I thought I may try to lighten the cooler up a bit and introduce a light hearted subject. I love and collect, one liners; wise sayings, short stories/tales with a good punch line and etc. so I thought I would ask what are some good ones that you've always liked. I can add them to my collection.:D I especially like funny ones. Churchill was a master of those.

As an example.

I guess a man is as happy as he wants to be.--Will Rogers

A successful person does what they don't want to do when they don't want to do it.--a successful customer of mine told me this one.

Marriage doesn't change people; it unmasks them.

Sin takes more in the end than it gave you in the beginning.

If I tell you a cow is 12' tall you better look up.--my Grandpa on being honest.

We laugh at honor and are amazed there are traitors in our midst.--C.S. Lewis

Lie to me about a little thing; lie to me about anything.--My Dad

Ran into an old man, in Oklahoma, when I was younger. He was sitting in front of an old run down gas station in a small town. Above his head was a poster advertising an up coming rattlesnake derby. At the bottom it said that BBQ rattlesnake meat would be served. I asked if he had ever eaten any before? He waited a little bit and then said, "Nope, never been that hungry ."

Well, I guess this should be a good start, so what funny stories with a good punch line, wise sayings, quotes, and etc. do you have? Look forward to reading some of them.;)

I thought I may try to lighten the cooler up a bit and introduce a light hearted subject.

Good luck with this one. Let's see how long it lasts before the usual :rolleyes:

I used to work with a guy who used an expression whenever he was able to answer something you didn't know or to fix something you'd been stuck on:

Up here for thinking{points to head}, down there for dancing {points to feet}.

Over the years, I sort of adopted it.

Another guy used to have a reputation for mixing his expressions/metaphors up. A few of his included:

We're stuck between a chicken and the deep blue sea
and
There it was, frozen to a cinder

He who never makes a mistake never makes anything
He who makes the same mistake twice is a fool

Me

He who never makes a mistake never makes anything
He who makes the same mistake twice is a fool

Me

Sayings

Whoever told you life is fair was a liar = Headmaster to 1st year pupils Waterloo Grammar 1953

A little wit is worth a lot of sweat - Senior Maths master ditto 1958

There is knowledge but more importantly there is knowledge of the knowledge. - Same guy

Nothing is obvious to those who do not know - Uni tutor 1960

Ignorance is not a crime, not wanting to know is the sin - Me to the people I was teaching IT to at the Charity
Ok it’s a take off of the common
Better to appear a fool for 5 minutes than remain one for the rest of your life.

Imagination is more important than knowledge - Einstein

And most important of all is W H Davies's Leisure see 1st two lines in my signature.


Brian

He who never makes a mistake never makes anything
He who makes the same mistake twice is a fool

Me

He who never makes a mistake never makes anything
He who makes the same mistake twice is a fool

Me

Did you just make the same mistake twice? :D

LMAO @ Vass.

Actually, using female logic, of course, the mistake occurred only once. And that is when he pressed the submit button a second time... but your response was hilarious.

Bill Watterson - "There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do."

Did you just make the same mistake twice? :D

This is pretty funny either way. If Len did it on purpose or if it was just Vassago catching it.

Sayings

Whoever told you life is fair was a liar = Headmaster to 1st year pupils Waterloo Grammar 1953

A little wit is worth a lot of sweat - Senior Maths master ditto 1958

There is knowledge but more importantly there is knowledge of the knowledge. - Same guy

Nothing is obvious to those who do not know - Uni tutor 1960

Ignorance is not a crime, not wanting to know is the sin - Me to the people I was teaching IT to at the Charity
Ok it’s a take off of the common
Better to appear a fool for 5 minutes than remain one for the rest of your life.

Imagination is more important than knowledge - Einstein

And most important of all is W H Davies's Leisure see 1st two lines in my signature.


Brian

Thanks Brian....got a few I'm going to steal, I mean borrow from this list.:D

Good luck with this one. Let's see how long it lasts before the usual :rolleyes:

I used to work with a guy who used an expression whenever he was able to answer something you didn't know or to fix something you'd been stuck on:

Up here for thinking{points to head}, down there for dancing {points to feet}.

Over the years, I sort of adopted it.

Another guy used to have a reputation for mixing his expressions/metaphors up. A few of his included:

We're stuck between a chicken and the deep blue sea
and
There it was, frozen to a cinder

I use to work with an old welder in a machine shop. His station was across from the water fountain. When you would go to get a drink of water he would yell to ya, "don't drink the water fish spawn in it."

He kind of would do a little mixing of his own.

Did you just make the same mistake twice? :D

Nearly

Duplicationwas one mistake.

Double duplication would have been twice

I blame the internet line

Len
:D :D :D

Some quotes :

Jazz isn't dead, it just smells funny ( Zappa)

I shot an elephant in my pants. How he got there I'll never know. ( G.Marx)

A woman is like a teabag- only in hot water do you realize how strong she is (Elenor)

The fundamental objective of total quality methodology is the implementation of a measurement-based strategy that focuses on process improvement and variation reduction through the application of quality improvement projects.
(Blah, blah, my boss?)

The other day I lost my mobile phone. You might as well quit the job my boss
replied. ( Ron)

Wit is educated insolence - Aristotle.

a one-liner and an astute observation

"More and more of our imports come from overseas." George Bush —Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

Col

The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract. by Oliver Wendell Holmes.

a one-liner and an astute observationCol

C'mon Col, be a sport. Don't throw something that has been in the same line for more than a year now. Surely, you have something you have kept that one of your Grandparents said, or your Mom or Dad. Give me a good story, a one liner that you have kept all these years. Tell me your favorite Churchill story. Give me something to add to my collection.:D

Some quotes :

Jazz isn't dead, it just smells funny ( Zappa)

I shot an elephant in my pants. How he got there I'll never know. ( G.Marx)

A woman is like a teabag- only in hot water do you realize how strong she is (Elenor)

The fundamental objective of total quality methodology is the implementation of a measurement-based strategy that focuses on process improvement and variation reduction through the application of quality improvement projects.
(Blah, blah, my boss?)

The other day I lost my mobile phone. You might as well quit the job my boss
replied. ( Ron)

Thanks, rak. Got a couple I'm going to borrow from here as well. The Zappa quote was good for a laugh.

The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract. by Oliver Wendell Holmes.

thanks Karma, both of yours were good ones.

(Finding it hard to resist...mustn't...oh, well...)

Arguing with Rich and Col is like masturbating with a cheese grater...

...slightly amusing, but mostly...painful

(Finding it hard to resist...mustn't...oh, well...)

Arguing with Rich and Col is like masturbating with a cheese grater...

...slightly amusing, but mostly...painful

How would you know?:confused:

(Finding it hard to resist...mustn't...oh, well...)

Arguing with Rich and Col is like masturbating with a cheese grater...

...slightly amusing, but mostly...painful

Ok, stop right there! NO HIJACKING ALLOWED!!!:(

Now both of you guys are really intelligent guys, so I know you've got to have something for me, to add to my collection.;)

Rich, as much history that you have in that knoggin of yours, your bound to be able to give me some good lines from somewhere in history. C'mon, don't be greedy....share.:D

I'm ready to meet God, whether he is ready to meet me is a different matter

I'm ready to meet God, whether he is ready to meet me is a different matter

That is excellent. I love it. Do you know who's quote it is?

One i forgot from my list comes from a guy who has been retired longer than I

" Beware the rolling list"

For the younguns this refers to the wife's To Do list and warns you not to rush through the jobs thinking that you will soon be able to idle your days away.

Brian

Winston Churchill

Don't blame me for this, you did ask!;)
America is the most God fearing nation on earth with the least amount of soul

Sorry Shane...:o (Bodi hides in corner)
that is, by the way, one of my favorite one liners...modified for present company of course.

How's this:

I knew from the moment I met my wife she was "Ms. Right"...it never dawned on me that her first name was "Always":eek:

Winston Churchill

That would have been my guess but I had never heard it. Some day I'm going to read something on him cause I have heard quotes and story's of his through the years and my impression is his wit was incredible. One of his story's, that you may be able to help me with how it goes, is something about looking down from a loft in parliment and seeing some guy he didn't get along with and saying something like, "there for the grace of God, goes God" or something like that. Maybe you can fill in the details for me.

One i forgot from my list comes from a guy who has been retired longer than I

" Beware the rolling list"

For the younguns this refers to the wife's To Do list and warns you not to rush through the jobs thinking that you will soon be able to idle your days away.

Brian

See, I like this cause it has the UK flavor to it. It's not the way we would hear it here. Of course, my Grandpa, would say the honeydo list is like, "wiping your butt on a bicycle tire, there's no end to it."

Sorry Shane...:o (Bodi hides in corner)
that is, by the way, one of my favorite one liners...modified for present company of course.

How's this:

I knew from the moment I met my wife she was "Ms. Right"...it never dawned on me that her first name was "Always":eek:

Ok, got to have this one. I have already stole one of yours from a few weeks back when we were talking about temps, comparing Arizona to Texas and you said, "it was like baking compared to broiling." I used that one several times now and gotten good laughes from it.

Don't blame me for this, you did ask!;)
America is the most God fearing nation on earth with the least amount of soul

No, not blaming you, cause the truth hurts when it hits home. Who said this one?

No, not blaming you, cause the truth hurts when it hits home. Who said this one?
If memory serves me correctly (and it usually does because I remember everything I know and I'm not young enough to know everything)
G.B.S. ;)

If memory serves me correctly (and it usually does because I remember everything I know and I'm not young enough to know everything)
G.B.S. ;)

Used a one liner in the middle of answering on a thread about one liners. <thumbs up>

Ok, now I get to steal of Brian's already. "Better to appear a fool for 5 minutes than remain one for the rest of your life."

Who's G.B.S.?

George Bernard Shaw.

George Bernard Shaw.

Ok, thanks McAbney.

Who's G.B.S.?

George Bernard Shaw?

Three I liked:

One of they guys here refers to the complexities of trying to organize meetings with various people as 'Like trying to herd cats'.

'I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. What he was doing in my pyjamas I'll never know' - Groucho

'It is the role of a friend to stand by you when you're in the wrong. Most anyone will stand by you when you're in the right.' - Twain(?)

George Bernard Shaw?

Three I liked:

One of they guys here refers to the complexities of trying to organize meetings with various people as 'Like trying to herd cats'.

'I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. What he was doing in my pyjamas I'll never know' - Groucho

'It is the role of a friend to stand by you when you're in the wrong. Most anyone will stand by you when you're in the right.' - Twain(?)

I have heard a little different version of the Twain quote. "A best friend is someone who knows everything about you and likes you anyway."

I have heard a little different version of the Twain quote. "A best friend is someone who knows everything about you and likes you anyway."

Does make you wonder a bit about how nice a guy he was, since he spent so much time telling friends to like him in spite of all these faults? :D

Never be afraid to speak your mind and be who you are. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. - Dr. Seuss

oh yeah...let's not forget my signature.

translation: There is no medicine which cures stupidity

Never be afraid to speak your mind and be who you are. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. - Dr. Seuss

In a similar vein and perhaps a fore-runner to the above

They that approve a private opinion, call it opinion; but they that dislike it, heresy; and yet heresy signifies no more than private opinion, - Thomas Hobbes

C'mon Col, be a sport. Give me something to add to my collection.:D
Ok, I've posted this before but I like it.

"Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat - sometimes you get pissed off"

Col

Ok, I've posted this before but I like it.

"Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat - sometimes you get pissed off"

Col

Thanks. This did make me laugh.

I remembered one that my brother-in-laws Dad would say when you would say, "if" to him. Like when we would play golf and you might say, "if I would have hit it a little harder I would be on the green." His come back would be, "If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his butt when he jumps."

and as Scotty would reply, "Aye, an' if my Grandmother had wheels she'd be a wagon"

'I'd never join any club that would have me as a member' - Groucho

'America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up' - Oscar Wilde

'One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards' - Oscar Wilde

'Sex between two people can be beautiful, you just have to get between the right two people' - Woody Allen

'An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do' - Dylan Thomas

'I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from' - Eddie Izzard

'I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.' - Douglas Adams

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be

Col

'I'd never join any club that would have me as a member' - Groucho

'America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up' - Oscar Wilde

'One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards' - Oscar Wilde

'Sex between two people can be beautiful, you just have to get between the right two people' - Woody Allen

'An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do' - Dylan Thomas

'I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from' - Eddie Izzard

'I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.' - Douglas Adams

Your on a roll Matt, keep 'em comin'

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be

Col

This one had a delayed response. I read it, sat for a second and then cracked up.

"Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million."
Arnold Schwarzenegger


Col

and as Scotty would reply, "Aye, an' if my Grandmother had wheels she'd be a wagon"

Hey Bodi, your from yankee land, your not suppose to be full of one liners.:D

has this thread been hijacked yet?

Col

has this thread been hijacked yet?
Col

No sir and I'm as happy as a puppy with two peckers

A woman thinks it takes at least 2 people to keep a secret.

God gives you the food but doesn't tell you how to cook it

Col

No sir and I'm as happy as a puppy with two peckers

Working on my db, (instead of doing my real job) listening to The Bands "I ain't got no home" and collecting one liners. All making a good Friday.

Working on my db, (instead of doing my real job) listening to The Bands "I ain't got no home" and collecting one liners. All making a good Friday.
can you keep this thread on track please?:rolleyes: its so annoying when it loses topic

Col

can you keep this thread on track please?:rolleyes: its so annoying when it loses topic
Col

Your right, thanks for the heads up.

Ok, another one from Grandpa. If he saw a less than attractive woman he would ask me, "how would you like to get drunk and wake up next to that?"

In between self loathing and grandiose delusions is your average person

"how would you like to get drunk and wake up next to that?"agreed...that woman's got a face that'd make a train take a dirt road

Apologies for any paraphrasing, but my memory can be a bit hit-and-miss. ;)

'One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.' - Peter Kay

'I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it' - Groucho

'I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong' - Bertrand Russell

'You ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved?"' - Bill Hicks

'I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?' - Dylan Moran

'I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.' - Dylan Moran

'Guns don't kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do too (if they have a gun).' - Eddie Izzard

'I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me. ' - Noel Coward

'Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it infamy!' - Kenneth Williams

'There is absolutely no connection between having a gun and shooting someone and not having a gun and not shooting someone and you'd be a fool and a communist to make one' - Bill Hicks

In between self loathing and grandiose delusions is your average person

Gotta have this one, too. The ole Southern country way of putting this is, "I wish I could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thought he was worth."

agreed...that woman's got a face that'd make a train take a dirt road

or

She's got a face like a bulldog licking p*ss off a nettle.

or

Everyone has a right to be ugly but she's abusing the privilege.

etc.

or

She's got a face like a bulldog licking p*ss off a nettle..

Ok, gotta ask. Whats a nettle?

or

Everyone has a right to be ugly but she's abusing the privilege.
etc.

This one cracked me up.!:D

Gotta have this one, too. The ole Southern country way of putting this is, "I wish I could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thought he was worth."
Thanks Shane I came up with that, though like you said there are similar ones a long the same lines.

Another one I've got is

:o Embarrassment is half laughter half tears:o

not sure if that make sense to anyone

Ok, gotta ask. Whats a nettle?


http://www.humboldtredwoods.org/florafauna.htm

he has a face like a slapped arse

he has a face like he has been chasing parked cars

"Those are the kind of windows faces look in at." (Withnail & I - 1987)

Ok, gotta ask. Whats a nettle?

or

This one cracked me up.!:D
It is this plant with microscopic barbs that a can sting badly. It depends on the nettle how bad, usually the smaller leaves near the top of the plant are the worst. Woodsmen use the Dock leaf plant against nettle stings and also as a natural antiseptic and dressing for small wounds. Nettles are actually quite good for you and harmless when cooked. Many people used to eat nettle soup. Some nutters actually have nettle eating competitions. They try to eat as many raw nettle leaves as possible.

'He looks like someone came round to his house at Christmas and p*ssed on his kids.'

'She had a t-shirt on with "Guess" printed on it. I said "I don't know, thyroid problem?"'

'I said "It's dark, light a match". He said "I have". I said "Christ, that is dark"'

'So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it." '

'I saw a group of men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said "Are you going to help?" I said "No, Six should be enough".'

'My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.'

Tis better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved a tall.

http://www.humboldtredwoods.org/florafauna.htm

Ok, I got it now. Dang that would be ugly!

he has a face like a slapped arse

he has a face like he has been chasing parked cars

My best friends Dad is an old country boy. While we were visiting him, a few years back, we took him in town to buy some groceries. While in the store a really ugly guy came in and my friends Dad said, "Damn, that's an ugly SOB!" My friend said, "Dad, you should say that cause he can't help it." His Dad came back and said, "he could have stayed home where I wouldn't have to look at him!"

not only did she fall out of the ugly tree, she must've hit every branch on the way down

or

She's got a face like a bulldog licking p*ss off a nettle.

or

Everyone has a right to be ugly but she's abusing the privilege.

etc.

Face like a melted welly;
Face like a half-chewed toffee;
Face like a pitbull chewing a wasp,

etc. :D

Face like a melted welly;
Face like a half-chewed toffee;
Face like a pitbull chewing a wasp,
etc. :D

He looks like a half sucked Milk Dud

Used a one liner in the middle of answering on a thread about one liners. <thumbs up>


there were two actually :eek:

there were two actually :eek:

true, but only one was funny.:D

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it

Another keeper. I like this one.

Some more :

The only absolute knowledge attainable by man is that life is meaningless ( Unknown)

My advice to you is to get married if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher ( Socrates)

When you're in deep water, it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut!

Wagner's music is better than it sounds ( Twain)

Democratie zijn 3 wolven en een schaap die een voorgerecht kiezen.
(In english: democracy is three wolves and one sheep selecting an hors d’ouvre) :eek:

Some more :

The only absolute knowledge attainable by man is that life is meaningless ( Unknown)

My advice to you is to get married if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher ( Socrates)

When you're in deep water, it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut!

Wagner's music is better than it sounds ( Twain)

Democratie zijn 3 wolven en een schaap die een voorgerecht kiezen.
(In english: democracy is three wolves and one sheep selecting an hors d’ouvre) :eek:

good stuff, rak. Got several from this list. I love Twains sense of humor.

Tis better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved a tall.

Ok, this one is a crude one. Ladies, turn your eyes. My buddy, is vertically challenged, so when he sees a tall lady he'll usually say, "Man, Shane, nose to nose your toes would be in it and toes to toes your nose would be in it."

Ok, this one is a crude one. Ladies, turn your eyes. My buddy, is vertically challenged, so when he sees a tall lady he'll usually say, "Man, Shane, nose to nose your toes would be in it and toes to toes your nose would be in it."

Okay, if we're lowering the tone (at least temporarily) ;) .

For an ugly girl with a nice figure:

'You don't look at the mantlepiece while you're stoking the fire'

"See I told you I was ill" - Spike Millian's headstone :)

Winston Churchill in response to the comment "You Sir are drunk":

"I may be drunk but in the morning I will be sober, whereas you will still be ugly" I'm itching to use this one :D

(Finding it hard to resist...mustn't...oh, well...)

Arguing with Rich and Col is like masturbating with a cheese grater...

...slightly amusing, but mostly...painful


That brought a tear to the eye :D :D :D

Why do they have braile on drive-thru Atms???

In intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?

Only in America are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America can a pizza get you your house faster than an ambulance

Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

I can see that I have company, when it comes to collecting sayings.:)

"We do not strive for perfection, because perfection is the destination, imperfection is the journey." -Derek Smalls (Spinal Tap)

"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from." -Al Franken

"Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place." -Abigail Van Buren

Never tell a man everything you know, and don't trust them as far as you can throw them. ~Grandma

Don't look for a gifted child, look for the gift in each child.

Nothing else in nature behaves so consistently and rigidly as a human being in pursuit of hell.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from." -Al Franken

"Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place." -Abigail Van Buren

Two excellent ones. The first one makes you smile.

Never tell a man everything you know, and don't trust them as far as you can throw them. ~Grandma

Don't look for a gifted child, look for the gift in each child.

Nothing else in nature behaves so consistently and rigidly as a human being in pursuit of hell.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

Thanks Idjit. Really like the 3rd one. My Grandmother had one similar to your first one except she said, "Don't trust them as far as you can throw a bull by the tail."

Good stuff

One that my Grandpa taught that I still live by (a little too hard according to my wife) is:

"Nothing in life is for free and everything has a string attached to it."

This was his way of telling me don't let anyone do stuff for you cause they'll come back and ask something of you.

That thang's big enough to stand flat-footed and f*** a turkey! ~Appalachian coworker, in regard to a cockroach found in the ladies room.

That thang's big enough to stand flat-footed and f*** a turkey! ~Appalachian coworker, in regard to a cockroach found in the ladies room.

That's hilarious. :D

My husband in reference to Pamela Anderson: She's been drilled more than the Alaskan Coast. :D

Come back and we'll taunt you for a second time.

I fart in your general direction.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Khan!!!

Top 10 comedy one liners (UK online survey):

"Garlic bread.. it's the future, I've tasted it" - Brian Potter (aka Peter Kay)

"So, what first attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?" - Mrs Merton (aka Caroline Aherne) to Debbie MaGee

"If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, I probably wouldn't say Einstein, Newton... I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett, Sessions..." - David Brent (aka Ricky Gervais) from the office

"I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests... more drink?" - Father Ted (aka Dermot Morgan)

"He's mad! He's mad. He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of this year's Mr Madman competition." - Edmund Blackadder (aka Rowan Atkinson)

"If it's a girl they're gonna name it Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy they're gonna name him Rodney after Dave." - Trigger (aka Roger Lloyd-Pack)

"One more facelift on this one and she'll have a beard." - Patsy (aka Joanna Lumley)

(two guests are speaking to Basil in German) "Oh, German. I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you." - Basil Fawlty (aka John Cleese)

"I'm going nowhere, Lynn. Quite literally, I'm on the ring road." - Alan Partridge (aka Steve Googan)

"You were expecting a bloke with a beard, a Bible and bad breath. You've got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom." - Geraldine Granger (aak Dawn French)

That thang's big enough to stand flat-footed and f*** a turkey!

Would that be fart or flan or flip or ?:confused:

Its interesting to see the different type of sayings people quote, and as we've moved down market how about

It goes like shit off a hot shovel

He's like a fart in a trance

brian

Do others have the equivalent of

knee high to a grasshopper to descibe a young un

About as much use as a chocolate fireguard

Brian

About as much use as a chocolate fireguardThe equivalent in the Appalachians would be:
Worthless as tits on a boar-hog.:eek:

I get the impression , whether it is correct I'm not sure, that Americans are more inclined to use bodily references in their one liners.

Brian

Last month, I turned in my list of beneficiaries for my life insurance. In the event of my death, my husband and children were named of course... but in the event of my entire immediate families demise, the list of beneficiaries were quite long as it contained all of my nieces and nephews.

My HR representative took one look at the page long list and said, "My but aren't you generous!"

To which I replied, "I can afford to be generous... I'm DEAD!"

About as much use as a chocolate fireguard

Brian

.... ashtray on a motorbike.

Having said that, I remember a strange friend from my youth who would indeed smoke cigarettes while riding on his motorbike.

As useful as tits on a bull
As useful as a singlet with a hip pocket

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on

As handy as a wooden frypan

"Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy." - Ben Franklin

When talking about small diameters my dad's favorite.
Cut about a frog's hair off of that.

BTW Oldsoftboss you have a very hypnotic avatar :p

You know if I would have went to a "ALL MALE" school and college I would had a 4.0 GPA... Damm the Boobs

Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

"Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy." - Ben Franklin

Life is too short to drink cheap beer. ~Warsteiner's slogan

Last month, I turned in my list of beneficiaries for my life insurance. In the event of my death, my husband and children were named of course... but in the event of my entire immediate families demise, the list of beneficiaries were quite long as it contained all of my nieces and nephews.

My HR representative took one look at the page long list and said, "My but aren't you generous!"

To which I replied, "I can afford to be generous... I'm DEAD!"

I like this one Ms. Tess. Quick wit that fit into real life stories, are always the funniest, to me.

"I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was".--old man I use to work with.

"Once a king, always a king, but once a (k)night is enough."--same old man.

"Boys I better get home. My wife said there was going to be some lovin' goin' on tonight and if I want any part of it, I better be there!"--a different old man I worked with.

I was going into a gas station one night, and a lady, with no bra on, came out just a little before me. As I came through the door an older man was standing and gawking at her. When he saw me looking at him he said, "she had two puppies under her shirt. I saw their noses!"

Life is too short to drink cheap beer. ~Warsteiner's slogan

I think that is a crib from Shakespeare's 'Life is too short to drink small beer'. Small beer being a watered down Elizabethan 'lite' beer used for drinking when inebriation wasn't the object. That is, when water was always suspect, beer was safe to drink so they had a week beer for drinking during the day.

Describing somebody who is simultaneously flashy, seedy and cheep (think Huggy Bear from Starsky & Hutch):

'Done up like a pox doctors clerk'

'Like a rat with a gold tooth'

Describing somebody who has just got way too excited about something:

'Like a dog with 2 dicks'

Some contractor's rules (that aren't always adhered to - I need to say that because I will be looking for a contract job soonish!!!):
* Time allowed is time taken
* No gain, no pain
* If a job's worth doing, it is worth doing twice - especially tru in the oil & gas game

There are another half dozen or so of these if I can remember them

In an office I used to work in, there was a rather stern manager called Eric. We worked on an honour based flexitime so it would be common to hear somebody asking what time a colleage is leaving that day.
The usual answer was "5 past Eric." Most of the time this would be ok, but occasionally Eric would return to the office unnexpectedly causing a flurry of panic amongst those preparing for an early departure.

In another office, the boss announced to the masses that he was heading out to a meeting and would not be back that day. Once he had left a wag popped up and called out "The boss is away. Quick, let's fuck-about!" Had us all in stiches for hours.

From a former work colleage also:

I might be slow, but by God I'm rough.

When given something useless:
That'll come in handy, even if I don't use it.

When asked an obvious question:
Does a one legged duck swim roung in circles?

When asked an obvious question:
Does a one legged duck swim roung in circles?
Does a Hobby-Horse have a wooden dick?

Some contractor's rules (that aren't always adhered to - I need to say that because I will be looking for a contract job soonish!!!):
* Time allowed is time taken
* No gain, no pain
* If a job's worth doing, it is worth doing twice - especially tru in the oil & gas game


Work will always expand to fit the time available.

An easily understandable, repeatable falsehood is very often of more practical use than the truth.

I thought there was more than one Parkinson's Law but the Google search only turned up the original version that Matt and I posted later versions of:

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Parkinson's Law states that "work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion."

It was first articulated by C. Northcote Parkinson in the book Parkinson's Law: The Pursuit of Progress, (London, John Murray, 1958) based on extensive experience in the British Civil Service. The scientific observations which contributed to the law's development included noting that as Britain's overseas empire declined in importance, the number of employees at the Colonial Office increased.


"I will make it felony to drink small beer" - William Shakespeare, Henry IV

Other one liners that really made me laugh the first time I heard them, but not always when they were familiar:)

'Being in love means never having to say you are sorry' (Love Story 1970 something)
used in the context of normal office interactions between colleagues who aren't in a romantic relationship.

'I'm as full as a fat girl's socks'
Spoken when you are having the 'Mister Creosote' moment after a big meal

'Stop f*****g the cat'
told to me when I wasn't quite as focused as my colleague on the task in hand.

Happy as a pig in shit, which roughly translates to a Republican president after declaring a regime change on a sovereign country:rolleyes:

"My worst day of fishin' is better than my best day at work"

Halla-freakin'-lula !!!

Happy as a pig in shit, which roughly translates to a Republican president after declaring a regime change on a sovereign country:rolleyes:

This is a no hijacking zone!! :p :D :o

Happy as a pig in shit, which roughly translates to a Republican president after declaring a regime change on a sovereign country:rolleyes:

Or Rich, after he hijacks a thread to make slanderous accusations. :cool: :D

I'm trying to think of the most Australian sayings I can...

May all your chickens turn into emu's and kick your dunny down

He has some kangaroos loose in the top paddock

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it

This is a no hijacking zone!! :p :D :o
Moral indignation is just jealousy with a halo. :cool: :p

May all your chickens turn into emu's and kick your dunny down.

May your chooks turn into emu's and kick you all to death :D

Happy as Elle McPhersons undies

May your chooks turn into emu's and kick you all to death :D
May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your armpits.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it

You posted this one last Friday. :confused:

Long may your big jib draw.

Newfie saying I got from the wife's side of the family. Loosely translates as a wish for someone to stay in good health for a long time.

Cynical - is what an idealist calls a realist

Col

Debtors - bloodsucking leeches who ruin your business by refusing to pay you what they owe you.

Creditors - bloodsucking leeches who ruin your busines by insisting you pay them what you owe them.

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble.
It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Cynical - is what an idealist calls a realist
Col

Got to remember this one, because my Mom calls me cynical. Now I'll have a good come back. Thanks Col.

Long may your big jib draw.

Newfie saying I got from the wife's side of the family. Loosely translates as a wish for someone to stay in good health for a long time.

In a similar vein:

Lang may yer lum reek.

Possibly Robbie Burns. Lum is an old work for chimney and reek is a lowland Scottish work for smoke. A reekin' lum meant that you had fuel to keep warm.

When you have all the responsability for something but none of the authority to make it happen, and others are either disinterested or obstructive you can tell people that :

"I feel like a one legged man in an arse kicking contest"

I'm sure many of the professionals on this site who's work is project based will be familiar with that sort of situation.

Or Running fast like a "raped ape"

It's so hot I'm sweating like a french whore in heat. What makes french whores so special?

talking about someone you dislike
"I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire."

"A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part"--a sign I use to have hanging in my office.

"The tyranny of the urgent will always over take the sanctity of the important"--good time management quote.

When I would start jacking with my Grandpa he would tell me, "Boy, you better leave me alone, cause by the time I get done with you the doctor ain't gonna ask what happened, he's just going to ask how you got loose."

Or Running fast like a "raped ape".

"he took off like a turpentined cat"

It's so hot I'm sweating like a french whore in heat. What makes french whores so special?."

"hotter than a french whore on nickel night."

"he took off like a turpentined cat"That only works if the person you're talking to knows exactly where the turpentine must be applied in order to accelerate the feline:eek:


ahhh...the knowledge gained from a mis-spent youth:)

When you have all the responsability for something but none of the authority to make it happen, and others are either disinterested or obstructive you can tell people that :

"I feel like a one legged man in an arse kicking contest"

I'm sure many of the professionals on this site who's work is project based will be familiar with that sort of situation.

"I have a real responsible job. Anything goes wrong and I'm responsible."

"I feel line a one armed paper hanger."

What makes french whores so special?

They think they're better than all the other whores. :cool: :eek:

That only works if the person you're talking to knows exactly where the turpentine must be applied in order to accelerate the feline:eek:


ahhh...the knowledge gained from a mis-spent youth:)

absolutely!:D

They think they're better than all the other whores. :cool: :eek:

Ok, now that I'm back in my chair from falling out laughing. That was good Ms. G.

You posted this one last Friday. :confused:
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

"If god made it that way, We all be pissing in our faces!" (Goonies)

Love that movie.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

A good one-liner in its own right. ;)

Happiness is a warm gun, and for the benefit of the Americans, they weren't referring to a submachine gun:eek: :p

Responses to obvious questions.

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Is the Pope a catholic?

I like; Does the Pope shit in the woods :D

also

As rare as rocking horse shit.

Once I did not pay my rent on time, it turned out to be a moving experience.

One I worked for Midas Muffler Company. There was only one problem: At the end of the day I was exhausted.

Once I worked as an auto hydro mechanic. In other words, car wash.

Once I worked as a salesman. One day I got three orders: Get out, Stay out and never come back again.

The first job I got, I had 500 people under me. Cutting grass in a cemetery.

My wife and I treat other like Royalty.

On my birthday, she takes me to Burger King.
On her birthday, I take her to Dairy Queen.

Was (half) watching Monarch of the Glen the other night, & it had a good one...
"Go and raffle yer donut"
I can only imagine what that means :eek:

Karma wrote: Responses to obvious questions.

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Is the Pope a catholic?

I like; Does the Pope shit in the woods

also

As rare as rocking horse shit

Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?

"Sweating like a whore in church" - meaning, 'nervous'.

"Optimism is a choice. Cynicism isn't smarter, it's just safer." - Jewel

"Life is a stage but the play is badly cast." - Oscar Wilde

"Women always ruin great romances by trying to make them last forever." - Oscar Wilde

"In the long run, men hit only what they aim at. Therefore, though they should fail immediately, they had better aim at something high." - Henry David Thoreau, Walden

"All we are is how we're remembered when we're gone." - Sandy Dennis as Sara in Sweet November (1968)

"Short people have long faces and long people have short faces. Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all." - Donald O'Connor as Cosmo Brown in Singing in the Rain

"Safe upon the solid rock
the ugly houses stand.
Come see my shining palace
built upon the sand."
- Edna St. Vincent Milay
(OK, so that one was poetry but it has a great piece of wisdom)

And finally...

"It's colder than a witch's titty out here, isn't it?"

and

"Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up first."

- Burgess Meredith as the father in Grumpy Old Men

Six of one, half dozen of another
either or

Did we have the "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey" yet?
one of my favorites - Hot enough for ya

How about
Cold as a Penguin's chuff
L

Did we have the "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey" yet?
one of my favorites - Hot enough for ya


'Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum, your majesty'

Monty Python pretending be Australians.

And finally...

"It's colder than a witch's titty out here, isn't it?"


Those are some great ones, Kraj. :)

My version of the one above used to be "Colder than Rush Limbaugh's heart" but my coworker had the perfect comeback: "What heart?" These days I'd update it to Ann Coulter. (Jeez, just typing that name I hear the horses whinny like in Young Frankenstein. *shudder*)

Sometimes, when I read some of these post then it reminds me of versions I heard.

"Sweating like a whore in church" - meaning, 'nervous'.

"Sweating like a white man trying to vote twice, at an NAACP meeting."


"It's colder than a witch's titty out here, isn't it?"

"Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra"


"Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up first."?"

I wish I had a dollar for every time my Dad said this to me.:D Except he always said, "which one fills up the fastest."

How about
Cold as a Penguin's chuff
L

"Colder than a well diggers arse in the Klondikes"

Karma wrote:

Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?

"Does a blind man fart in the dark?"

On the wall of the local funeral directors, I chuckled when I saw it, I was only fixing an A/C unit not in morning...

If you think the dead don't come back to life, you should be here at knock off time.

These days I'd update it to Ann Coulter. (Jeez, just typing that name I hear the horses whinny like in Young Frankenstein. *shudder*)
ROFL!

"Good night...Herr Doctor."
"Good night...Anne Coulter."
*Riiieeeerrrr*

I've just had my manager desribe to me the dangers of asking one of the other departments for too much help, using the expression

"Pigs get fat but hogs get slaughtered"

Got another one to add to the list. I was talking to my dad yesterday and in the course of talking about his age he said, "At my age what don't hurt, won't work." Made me laugh so I thought I would add another one.

Never try to teach a pig to dance. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Not sure who that's from - Twain or Heinlein, I think.

"A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose"

"It's better to be pissed off than pissed on"

The only thing that will go away if you ignore it, are your teeth.

The only thing that will go away if you ignore it, are your teeth.
and your health, surely?:confused:

Confusious say:
Man who goes through airport turnstyle sideways going to Bangkok

Got sent these this morning. Some good ones amongst them.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

- Moses Hadas


"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."

- Abraham Lincoln


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend ... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill


"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in reply


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

- Stephen Bishop


"A modest little person, with much to be modest about..."

- Winston Churchill about Clement Atlee


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

- Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)


"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

- Samuel Johnson



"He had delusions of adequacy."

- Walter Kerr


"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed



"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

- Forrest Tucker



"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

- Mark Twain



"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

- Mae West



"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

- Oscar Wilde



"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

- Oscar Wilde

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I like that one. :)

Apres nous le deluge ( Louis XIV)

Honny soit qui mal y pense ( unknown)

;)

On a down day in the Stock Market, an Analyst commented:"The market looks like the South end of a horse going North."

An old timer my dad worked with in the old patch told him, "The worst I ever had was wonderful."

Once when I was staying at my Grandpa's he got up and said he was going to clean up before supper. About 30 min. later he came back in the room and sat in his chair. I was laying on the couch and had my back to him. I little after he sat down I heard him blow air out but didn't pay any attention to it. A few minutes later he did it again but said "whew" at the end of it. I turned around and asked him if everything was alright. He said "no, I like to have drowned in there." I asked him where? He said, "in the tub, while I was taking a bath." I asked him how he almost drowned in the bath tub? He said, "he laid down in the water and his balls floated to the top of the water, held his head under and he like to have never got back up." I fell off the couch laughing.

Apres nous le deluge ( Louis XIV)

Honny soit qui mal y pense ( unknown)

;)

For others who still have nightmares about French homework:
French term or phrase:
honi soit qui mal y pense
English translation:
shame to him who thinks ill of it
Entered by: Antoinette Verburg


KudoZ(tm) term questions
The KudoZ network provides a framework for translators and others to assist each other with translations or explanations of terms and short phrases.
http://www.proz.com/kudoz?&pairs=&level=&float=

A subtle one liner from 'There's something about Mary' by the best freind of the Ben Stiller character who was a bit of a sad sack:

When asked how he was doing he said, with a chearful face, something like

'Oh you know, each day is better than the next'.

I missed this the first time I saw the picture but howled the second.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee.

I refuse to answer that question, on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas Adams

The impossible I can do today, miracles take a little longer...

The only place where success comes before work is the dictionary. (anon)

The last time I spoke here in Bristol I was in disgrace...but I don't remember which time that was. Winston Churchill.

She's been kissed more often than a Police Court bible.
And by much the same class of person. Robertson Davies

I am a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it. Stephen Leacock

If you see a man who shouts too loud on Saturday night and prays too loud on Sunday morning, go home and lock your smokehouse immediately. Harry Turman

Always remember this about Clement Atlee, there's a lot less there than meets the eye. Winston Churchill

Another 1 liner :

I feel at best between a tear and a smile ( Toots Tielemans ;) )

Savings is something for people who can't manage a lot of money.... Loesje

America still things that god means airforce.... loesje

Sorry for the non-dutch people: loesje is a producer of posters with critical texts on em

Sorry for the non-dutch people...


Men wordt eerder door een strontkar overreden dan door een koets
( unknown ca 1680)

{actually said in court}

Your Honour, I withdraw my next question.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

"I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents."
Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

"One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half."
Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last."
Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

He who knows not and knows he knows not is a child, teach him. He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool, shun him. He who knows and knows not that he knows is blind, show him. He who knows and knows that he knows is wise, FOLLOW ME!

There are 3 kinds of people in this world; those who are good in math and those who aren't.

"There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and" ...... Brad Ramsey


"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual." ...... Terry Pratchett


"You don't really understand something, unless you can explain it to your grandmother." ...... Anonymous


"Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." ...... Terry Pratchett


"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.....'til you can find a rock" ...... Anonymous

Confusious say, he who stand on toilet, high on pot.

Can you define the word "is"? --Bill Clinton on the witness stand

There are 3 kinds of people in this world; those who are good in math and those who aren't.


There are 10 kinds of people in this world; Those who understand binary code, and those who don't.


.

Confusious say, he who stand on toilet, high on pot.

Confusious say, man who go through airport turnstyle sideways going to Bangkok

Gertrude Stein on Oakland:

"There's no there there"

Sheriff Brody from Jaws:

"You're gonna need a bigger boat"

Less than 24 hours ago my husband had his penis in another woman's mouth.

Michael Douglas' wife in "Disclosure".

Sheriff Brody from Jaws:
"You're gonna need a bigger boat"

That brings back memories.

Two men selling watermelons. Buying for $1.00, seling them for $1.00

The first man says "We dont seem to be making much money!"
"Yeah," the second man says, "Think we better get a bigger truck"

There are 10 kinds of people in this world; Those who understand binary code, and those who don't.


.

That's a good one, never looked at it like that.:D

Never argue with an idiot, because onlookers will have trouble telling you apart.

Never send an idiot to do a moron's job.

Never put off til tomorrow, what you can avoid doing all together.

Artificial intelligence will never win against natural stupidity.

It's better to remain silent, and be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

It's five o'clock somewhere.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.


Im sorry to ruin the mood i just read that and thought it was hilarious.. havent herd the norris jokes in awhile!

Brilliant! I loved the books one. :D

oh man... the Norris jokes are always good

When Chuck Nnorris goes in water, he doesn't get wet; the water gets chuck norrised.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked so fast, that he went back in time and kicked Amelia Earheart out of the space and time.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer... it's too bad he never cries.

Lots of kids wear Superman pajamas... Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

"Two men are driving through the country and get lost. They stop at a farm house to ask if they can stay the night, and the man says "Well, sure. I must warn you though, my daughter is staying with me and I am very protective of her, so behave yourselves." The two men agreed, but when the countryman's daughter came home, they ended up breaking the rules that had been set forth. The next day the countryman heard about their evil doings and told them that they will have to punished. He told each of them to go out into his field and pick 50 of the crop of their choice. The first man came back with 50 grapes and the countryman held a gun up to him and told him to put them up his a**. He said the guy couldn't leave until the job was finished. During the process the guy just couldn't seem to stop laughing. Finally, the countryman said, "What the he** is so funny!?". The man replied, "My friend is picking watermelons.""

Here are a few from my family - including my distant cousin Mark Twain. (No foolin' - he was my great-great grandfather's cousin - by marriage if I got it right.)

Paraphrasing:

I'm an expert at quitting smoking, I've done it so often.

My goal is to be absent when my time comes.

Ambrose Bierce:

Experience is that which lets us recognize our mistakes when we make them again.

My uncle, when looking at something confusing:

This is so complex it makes me want to ask you, is it as cold in the winter as it is in the country?

Spoken of someone whose intelligence leaves something to be desired:

Dumb as a box of rocks
Dumb as a box of garden tools
23 cents short of a quarter
Elevator doesn't reach the penthouse
So dumb, if he left here and joined the {badly maligned political opposition party}, he'd increase the average IQ of both groups.
Hey, bud, there was a message for you. Your village wants its idiot back.
So dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the directions written on the heel.

Spoken of a really tall woman:

Why, that girl's so tall she could stand flat-footed and piss in the radiator of a Chevy pick-up truck

Spoken of a person whose presence is not welcomed:

Heck, for ten cents I'd trade him for a dog and shoot the dog.

From my country cousin: Man who farts in church sits in own pew!

From my great-uncle Johnnie, long deceased - but he was born right at the end of the Civil War: I'm NOT older than dirt. But we're on a first-name basis.

Possibly apochryphal tale of Mozart when his sponsor said, "Your music has too many notes. You must take them out." - to which Wolfie replied, "Certainly, milord. Which ones?"

My aunt, in response to a friend's exasperated comment at the end of a very hard day in a classroom full of screaming kids... Friend: I had a choice once to become a teacher or a whore! My aunt: Which did you choose?

My aunt, seeing a "woman of the evening" with extreme lipstick: Well, she's got her lips redder than a fox's ass in gooseberry season.

Cajun greeting: I'm so glad for you to see me, mon cher! (Implication: I'm not dead yet, which is a good thing!)

Some guys can read between the lines. Others, only between the sheets.

Spoken of someone who likes to tell tricky brainteasers:

A man lives on the 25th floor of an apartment building. He rides the elevator to the ground floor and goes to work. When he returns from work, he rides the elevator to the 20th floor, and walks the last 5 floors to his apartment. He does this every day of the week. Why does he do this?

A man lives on the 25th floor of an apartment building. He rides the elevator to the ground floor and goes to work. When he returns from work, he rides the elevator to the 20th floor, and walks the last 5 floors to his apartment. He does this every day of the week. Why does he do this?

'cos the landlord said that if he broke another button in the elevator with his umbrella, he'd evict him. :p

Spoken of someone who likes to tell tricky brainteasers:

A man lives on the 25th floor of an apartment building. He rides the elevator to the ground floor and goes to work. When he returns from work, he rides the elevator to the 20th floor, and walks the last 5 floors to his apartment. He does this every day of the week. Why does he do this?

He is a midget. He cannot reach up to button 25 on the elevator.

He is a midget. He cannot each up to button 25 on the elevator.

Or the tower block he lives in was designed by the same guy who built the Db I'm working on, and there are no buttons above 20. :p

I think Jacob and Alc get the gold for this one....

1) He is a midget.

2) A recent "letter to the editor" revealed that there were no buttons for floors above 20 for that particular building. Strange though, noone else had reported this problem in the 10 years the building had been in existence.... :)

lol i took the midget one as the truth.. had me fooled ;) doh!

A night watchman had a dream. In his dream, he saw his company CEO flying to a particular city on Thursday of the week and the plane crashes. He told the CEO about it. The CEO had booked a flight going to that city on Thursday. The CEO got scared. He canceled the fight and took the train. On Friday, he found out that the plane had crashed and there were no survivors.

The CEO returned. He gave the night watchman $30,000 as a gift and dismissed him. Why was he dismissed?

Sleeping on duty.

Boy, what a dumba**

Actually, I couldn't figure that out Jacob. Congrats to statsman on his accomplishment. :)

Sleeping on duty.

That is correct.
When do you have dreams? When you sleep.

Actually I sent that in as a joke.
I'm probably the most suprized person on the forum that it was right.

Where does it say he was sleeping on the job? It just says he was sleeping. For all we know, he could have had that dream at home. :)

Where does it say he was sleeping on the job? It just says he was sleeping. For all we know, he could have had that dream at home. :)

Typical nit picking woman. ;)

Brian

She's right of course. :mad:

Cheeseburger walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey buddy, we don't serve food here!"

Cheeseburger walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey buddy, we don't serve food here!"

Three sheep walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry my boss said i'm not allowed to serve ewes"

Three sheep walk into a bar.
Shouldn't that read "Three sheep walk into a baa." ?

Ok, stop throwing things. You've no idea how my day has been ;)

Two guys walk out of a bar (for a change).
The first one asks "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The second one replies "I don't know, I don't live around here".

Two guys walk out of a bar (for a change).
The first one asks "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The second one replies "I don't know, I don't live around here".Are they blonde??

A friend told me this one:

I give way on the street to no one except:
Looking in the rear-view mirror I see
Blonde
SUV
Cellphone.

I pull over at once and let her pass.

It is a body part.
First 2 times, it is free. Third time, you have to pay for it.
What is it?

It is a body part.
First 2 times, it is free. Third time, you have to pay for it.
What is it?
Your left ear.

It is a body part.
First 2 times, it is free. Third time, you have to pay for it.
What is it?

Answer: Your teeth

Damn, so close.

Answer: Your teethIs this related to Christmas, and the "two front teeth" you get???

Is this related to Christmas, and the "two front teeth" you get???
I think it means your 'baby' and adult sets of teeth are free, but when you get false ones, they cost you.

boy, I'm naive. :rolleyes:

I got a falsey - free from the NHS...
does this count

I got a falsey - free from the NHS...
does this count

Are we still talking teeth here?

Brian

Are we still talking teeth here?

Brian

What else might it be? :eek:

Here's one lifted from the STAR: A good friend is one who'll come out, even late at night, bail you out of jail, a real friend is one who'll sit beside you there and says "Damn that was fun!"

Cheers!
Goh

I got a falsey - free from the NHS...
does this count

Only if you pulled the originals with a pair of pliers.

OPPS, wrong forum

What else might it be? :eek:

Lets keep it clean - Teeth
although i suppose if i lost that they might give me a false - but tthe mind boggles at that..

Two guys walk out of a bar (for a change).
The first one asks "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The second one replies "I don't know, I don't live around here".

theres a road in East/west sussex and in one of the villages their the moon pub and at the other end the sun pub

now that has to be the longest road to walk between the moon and the sun...

heres one for you ...

What we caught we throw away, what we couldn't catch we kept...


gary

Q: "What time does the sun come out?"

A: "The sun is out, we're just not facing it."

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

What would they have called William the Conquerer if he had lost?

If a vicar is rehearsing his sermon for the next day's service is he actually practicing what he preaches?

If Darwins theory of evolusion is to be beleived and also that God created man in his own image... Was God a large silverback Gorilla?

heres one for you ...

What we caught we throw away, what we couldn't catch we kept...


gary

A Flea........

'evolusion' :eek::confused:

If Emmanuel Kant would William Tell?

The best math teacher I ever had was named Mr. Johnson. He wasn't certified, but he could actually TEACH. He would start to explain a concept, give several different examples very slowly, writing everything down and saying it. Then he would pause and say 'Let me park here for a minute. Put a nickel in the meter. Questions or comments?' and then if no one said anything, or if they did after he finished asnwering them and had checked for more questions or comments he would say 'silence is golden, it means you understand' and he would proceed. He would say this 10-20 times during our lessons...and I guess its a bit longer than a one liner, but it has a lot of wisdom.

If you cant do... Teach! If you cant Teach... teach gym!