Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser. When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not
paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to
interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.


"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.


"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week,
and he has a free cottage.


Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free
board and lodging.


There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the
work, receives about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week,
and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."


"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.

Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not
paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to
interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.


"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.


"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week,
and he has a free cottage.


Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free
board and lodging.


There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the
work, receives about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week,
and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."


"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.

:D:) Good one! Thanks for the laugh!

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing Mick" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me" says an obviously embarrassed. Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.

A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.

The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says

"In Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims;

"Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we too never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says;

"In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice.

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a
City fan." The reporter starts again: "Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a United fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Liverpool," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Scouse b*****d kills family pet"

I turned on the news yesterday to see a picture of Margaret Thatcher, which quickly moved images of miners celebrating, and then that quickly changed to scousers celebrating.

Has she died?

Not sure where your loyalties lie (you posted here and not the Politics Forum), but I did find this?

http://www.businessweek.com/news/2010-10-14/margaret-thatcher-too-ill-to-attend-85th-birthday-party.html

Frappé - the sound a frenchman's butt makes when he farts

Frappé Mocha - same sound, but an added bit of "chocolate"

A man walks into a library and asks the lady behind the counter "have you got that book on small cocks"?
i don't think its in yet, she says "yep, thats the one" he replies

Where does a fish keep all of its money?
.
.
At the riverbank!
--------------------------------------
What kind of fish does a parrot sit on?
.
.
A Perch!
---------------------------------------
A man is sitting in his recliner looking at his wedding certificate for over an hour
His wife comes in and says "honey what are you doing, you've been looking at that for over an hour."
He says "I can't find the expiration date."

Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition!

Just wanted to let you all know that this is the thread I look forward to reading the most. Please don't stop posting jokes. They make my day.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to share laughter.

A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Paul and Tammy get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mum if Paul and Tammy are up yet.
She replies - No.
Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mum replies - I don't want to hear what you think ! Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum -
Are Paul and Tammy up yet ?
She replies - No.
Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?
His mum replies - Never mind what you think !
Eat your lunch and go back to school ...
After school - Johnny comes home and asks again -
Are Paul and Tammy up yet ?
His mum says - No.
He asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mum replies - Ok - now tell me what you think
He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'. :)

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, 'I'll just have the eggs Benedict.' His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge, fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, 'What's with the fancy plate?' The waiter replies,

'There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.'

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, and eating prawns, oysters and BBQ.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool!

Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! He was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in awe. Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Geoffrey. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche? A Rolex? Some stock options?" Again Geoffrey said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?" Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the bastard that pushed me in the pool.

Funny one liners

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. " - Albert Einstein

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first. - Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens]

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. - Groucho Marx

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen

A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner

There are three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies and statistics. - Benjamin Disraeli
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens]

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - F. P. Jones

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, eh" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion eh!".

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu bro, you huv Prostate suckness eh". "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi'regonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bustards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not
paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to
interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.


"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.

"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week,
and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free
board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the
work, receives about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week,
and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."


"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.

COMPLAINTS TO COUNCILS IN BRITAIN
For some, the art of letter writing is a skill never mastered. The following are extracts from various complaints and requests made by tenants who fall into that category...

- It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
- I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
- I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
- Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
- I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
- My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
- Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
- I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
- 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
- I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
- Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
- I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
- The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
- Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
- I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
- Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
- I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
- This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
- My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
- He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

This is my father...


The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father!"

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)


I actually remember reading that and thinking about how clever it was. :D

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She answered, "If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

------

A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.

After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.

Suprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?

The blonde girlfriend replied, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

Jacob:

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)


You realize, of course, that the person who wrote those instructions permanently disqualified himself from government service... Instructions short and to the point? That simply cannot be allowed. Talk about a career-shortening move!

Jacob: Instructions short and to the point? That simply cannot be allowed.

Proper Instructions:

1. Rotate bag until the "Top" symbol is upright.
2. Locate "Tear Here" indicator.
3. Grasp either side of indicator between fingers on each hand.
4. Check Top symbol is still upright.
5. Move hands in opposite direction until packet tears.
6. Release small part of packet ensuring it is thoughtfull disposed.
7. Open free hand and place below packet.
8. Rotate packet until some nuts are released into hand.
9. Open mouth.
10. Move hand to mouth and insert nuts.
11. Close mouth.
12. Move lower jaw up.
13. Move lower jaw down.
14. Repeat steps 12 and 13 until nuts fully mascerated.
15. Swallow.
16. Repeat steps 8 to 15 until all nuts are consumed.
17. Dispose of packet thoughtfully.

But of course it fails too because it didn't warn the consumer to first seek medical assessment to ensure they were not allergic to nuts.

It should have also included instructions on how to deal with anaphalaxis in case of allergy, treatment of choking and advice about the nutrition.

By this time the packet is about a foot square with text covering both sides even though it only contains twenty nuts. Consequently it now must warn about the packet being an asphyxiation hazard to children.

By this time the packet is about a foot square with text covering both sides even though it only contains twenty nuts.

Is there some law in Australia that says the words must be large enough to read? In America, they wouldn't necessarily make the bag any bigger at all.

Goes Fishing

A woman wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the
right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After
getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in
the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO
FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the woman moved further down the
ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet
another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the woman moved to the
far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again
the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared lady raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''
The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

Only on an American airline...

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope you'll think of US Airways"

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
my lap You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

Proper Instructions:

14. Repeat steps 12 and 13 until nuts fully mascerated.


Also, the person needing to read these instructions wouldn't understand the word "mascerated." They'd be wondering how the nuts were going to put on costumes in their mouth.

Two old friends are out hunting. One of them received a new telescopic scope for his rifle for Christmas.

As they are sitting in their deer blind, the owner of the new sight is looking through it at various things. Suddenly he turns to his friend and says I can see your house from here. No way his buddy replies. Yes says the sightman and I can also see that your wife is cheating on you. That lousy woman...do me a favour, shoot her in the head and shoot the man in the genitals.

Hell, I can do that with one shot.

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .



>Paddy looks in a shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.



>



>The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50
per pair

>"



>



>Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose,
and

>when we get back to Ireland we could make a fookin' fortune. Now when
we go

>into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking,
cause if

>they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my
best

>English accent."



>



>"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," replies
Mick.



>



>They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100
shirts at

>£2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van
and..

>"



>



>The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"



>



>"Well... Yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"



>



>The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners.

Delta Airlines

At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address
system saying,

"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.

Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our
carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank
You for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

Life Insurance

Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked. "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

Answering machine messages:

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

Answering machine messages:

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

My answering machine message: "Whadda YOU want?!?"

A Cajun joke

Quibodeaux, Thibodeaux and Boudreaux were sitting in a boat on a very cloudy day fishing. They had been fishing a good while when the sky suddenly opened up just above them and a ray of light shined down directly on the front of the boat. It spooked them and they started to get nervous. All of a sudden, they heard a voice from up above. "This is the Lord." They all looked at one another and begin saying, "I didn't do nothing, I didn't do nothing, I didn't do nothing." The Lord said, "Don't get nervous. I'm not here to pass judgment on you, I only want to grant each of you one healing wish." They all calmed down and Quibodeaux stood up in the boat. "As you already know Lord, I've been having this crick in the back of my neck for the past ten years and if you were to grant me a healing wish, that would be it." The Lord waved his hand and Quibodeaux started moving his neck freely. "Mais, that feels good. Thank you Lord, thank you," and he sat down. Thibodeaux stood up next. "You know Lord, that bum leg I've been having for the past fifteen years, you know how bad I limp, if you were to grant me one wish, that would be it." The Lord waved his hand and Thibodeaux immediately felt the limp leave his leg. "Oh thank you Lord, oh thank you, thank you." Before Thibodeaux could sit down, there was a big splash behind the boat. Both Quibodeaux and Thibodeaux looked behind themselves and see Boudreaux swimming away from the boat as fast as he could. Thibodeaux shouted, "Boudreaux, where you going? The Lord is not here to pass judgment on you, he's here to grant you a healing wish. You know that bad back of yours, he can heal it for you right here and now." Boudreaux hollered back, not missing a swim stride, "No, no, I don't want the Lord to heal me, I'll lose my disability check.

So Clearance and John live on either side of the river from each other and they fight constantly. Clearance is always throwing rocks or wood or just anything he can lift and throw over the river to hit John with. These two hav been bickering for years.
DOT comes along and puts up a sign that they were going to construct a bridge for this river. John says to his wife, "As soon as that bridge is built, I'm a go over there and kick CLearance's $%#%%#@*&* hillbilly butt!"
Finally the bridge gets constructed so John tells his wife, "OK Betty Sue. Keep supper warm. I'll be right back. This won't take but a half hour or so."
A few minutes later, John is back and Betty Sue asks, "That was no half hour. What happened? Didn't you kick Clearance's butt?"
John says, "No Betty Sue. From across the river Clearance looks like an average man. As soon as I got to the bridge, it said 'Clearance 8 feet 6 inches.' Dogonnit!"

I can tell Cajun jokes because my wife IS Cajun, from Chac Bay just outside Thibadaux, Louisiana.

Boudreaux has been going to South Cajun U. just outside of Lafayette, Louisiana, for over 10 years. Everyone loves him because he is so honest, kind, and helpful. His problem is focus. He has been passing lots of courses but changes majors so often that he doesn't have enough credits in any one subject to earn a degree in it. The Dean of Student Affairs finally calls Boudreaux into the office to discuss the matter.

The Dean advises Boudreaux that if he can pass a test, the university will give him a general degree so he can leave. If he fails the test, he has to leave without a degree. Boudreaux reluctantly agrees.

Boudreaux studies in the library for weeks. Near the end of the term, the Dean calls Boudreaux to the athletic stadium. He says, "We are going to give you your test in public so your friends can cheer you on." Boudreaux thinks of the pressure in publicly failing, but what can he do? So he says, "OK."

The crowd starts cheering for their friend, because after 10 years, everybody knows Boudreaux. They all look up to him as a personal inspiration. The noise swells to a great crescendo of "You geaux, Bou-dreaux, you geaux, Bou-dreaux, you geaux, Bou-dreaux."

The Dean signals the crowd of students to be quiet. They settle down. In the sudden silence, he says, "Boudreaux, are you ready for the test?" Boudreaux nods. The Dean says, "Tell me, Boudreaux, how much is 1 + 1?"

Boudreaux looks up to the sky for inspiration, thinks for a long moment, and then says, "2."

The students in the stands start chanting immediately. "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

Donkey raffle

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.""Well then, just give me my money back.""Cain't do that. I went and spent it already.""OK then, just unload the donkey.""What ya gonna do with em.""I'm gonna raffle him off.""Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!""Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?""I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00.""Didn't no one complain?""Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

>

>

>

> Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and
shivelling shot.

> At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.The sugly isters
were right bugly astards. One wascalled Mary Hinge, and the other was
called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had
fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to
the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

>

>

> Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with
six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy
fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there
would be a cucking falamity.

> At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks,so dropping
her slass glipper.

>

>

> The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door
and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her
leg and let off a fig bart.. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome
hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

> When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper
on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking
funk.

> Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
halls and

> a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it
fitted pucking ferfectly.

> Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
follen swanny

none of these is PC- but funny (no offensive menat)


I took a dyslexic bird home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!


......

I believe its not so bad having dyslexia which is of course an anagram for daily sex!


....
oh yeah....but a also got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke - all I said was "golly you're tall"

oh yeah....but a also got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke - all I said was "golly you're tall"

I didn't get this one! Someone pm me and explain... lol

I didn't get this one! Someone pm me and explain... lol
It's a play on the word Golly which can just mean Gosh or Goodness but is also a short form of Golliwog which was a Black Ministrel doll.

I didn't get this one! Someone pm me and explain... lol

I realise you suggested A “pm” but I think this deserves a public airing.
The “humour” (no humour there now) is supposed to come from the use of the term “golly”

A “Gollywog” was a harmless child’s toy, however because it was black, the term came to be used to describe a black person in a negative way, an insult, possibly something worse if there is such a thing.

You may also have heard of the term “Wog” which I suspect derives from the same toys name.


From Wikipedia “Gollywog”: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golliwogg)
it has been described as the least known of the major anti-black caricatures in the United States.[1]

The reason I thought this deserved a public airing is because of the fact that you did not get the joke, I am very pleased that you did not get it, it is direct confirmation of the fact that society is changing for the better.

My assumption is that you are of the younger generation, and the thought that you are in any way different from a “black person” would never even have crossed your mind.

A “Gollywog” was a harmless child’s toy, however because it was black, the term came to be used to describe a black person in a negative way, an insult, possibly something worse if there is such a thing.

Until the 1960s children often had a "gollywog" among their toys and thought little of it.

I recall the Noddy stories by Enid Blyton. The original versions included Mr Golly. He owned a garage where Noddy had his car repaired. That was tame compared to "The Gollies" who were the villians of ToyLand.

The books ultimately encountered many problems with what some would describe as political correctness up to downright racism with "The Gollies".

Noddy was described in places as "a queer little man". He regularly shared a bed with his best friend "Big Ears" who sometimes "woke up feeling a little queer".

Noddy didn't get along wery well with Mr Plod the policemean and actually drove over him at least one but never seemed to get charged.

Sadly, the whole golliwog phenomenon has led to black dolls in the posession of a white child often being taken as politically incorrect.

My granddaughter has one. It was made specially for her by a frizzy haired Pacific Islander who said that anyone who had a problem with it was a racist.

I realise you suggested A “pm” but I think this deserves a public airing.
The “humour” (no humour there now) is supposed to come from the use of the term “golly”

A “Gollywog” was a harmless child’s toy, however because it was black, the term came to be used to describe a black person in a negative way, an insult, possibly something worse if there is such a thing.

You may also have heard of the term “Wog” which I suspect derives from the same toys name.


From Wikipedia “Gollywog”: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golliwogg)
it has been described as the least known of the major anti-black caricatures in the United States.[1]

The reason I thought this deserved a public airing is because of the fact that you did not get the joke, I am very pleased that you did not get it, it is direct confirmation of the fact that society is changing for the better.

My assumption is that you are of the younger generation, and the thought that you are in any way different from a “black person” would never even have crossed your mind.

Actually, I am not from the "younger generation". It's quite possible that people in your neck of the woods have long held a belief that Americans are racist. Not to say there is no such thing over here. Not to say that at all. It's just not the way I was raised.

I do have a follow up question now. You put "black person" in quotes. In the U.S. I have lived through many changes in lables. The first I remember was "Negro" although I was apparently born in a changing era as that term was deemed offensive and in my early early youth, the term "colored" was introduced.
When I was about 4 or 5, we were travelling through the South from Massachusetts on our way to Florida where my father had procured a job. We pulled over at a little motel so my father could sleep after a very arduous drive. My mother and sisters and I played in the pool while my father slept. I remember going to the ladies room in the pool area and coming out to get a drink at the fountain outside. There was a sign that said "Colored only". I did not know what that meant and asked my mother. It was the first time I had ever heard that people were thought of as different classes according to skin color. (my mother seemed reluctant to tell me this, btw)

The term "colored" was short lived, I think. Then there was "black" and that stuck around for a very long time, well into my adult years. Then someone came up with "African American"

I'm not at all uncomfortable with the term "black", because I don't find anything derogatory at all. I guess since I was not taught that skin color necessarily was a determination of class. I have asked my "black" friends if they were offended by the term black or if they preferred "African American". Their response is, "Call me anything except N*****" And they didn't mean Negro.

The term "African American" upsets me, possibly out of ignorance on my part. But..... are all "black" people from Africa? One of my "white" friends is younger than I and is offended by the word "black" and asked me.... do you want to be called "pink"? I am a bit rosy, but that is just not normal in my mind, so no... I don't wish to be called pink..... that's just humiliating to point out something I am ashamed of. But there is no shame in black so I didn't quite get his point.
MY point is.... if my friend is "African American" what the hell am I? Where do I even start? Do I list Norway or England or Scotland first in my heritage with an "American" as the last?

Anyway, I digress. My question is, what is the PC term in the UK? I can't believe it would be "African Europeans" or "African British"

Again, I apologize if my questions seem ignorant. I really do wish to understand though.

I realise you suggested A “pm” but I think this deserves a public airing.
The “humour” (no humour there now) is supposed to come from the use of the term “golly”

A “Gollywog” was a harmless child’s toy, however because it was black, the term came to be used to describe a black person in a negative way, an insult, possibly something worse if there is such a thing.

You may also have heard of the term “Wog” which I suspect derives from the same toys name.


From Wikipedia “Gollywog”: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golliwogg)
it has been described as the least known of the major anti-black caricatures in the United States.[1]

The reason I thought this deserved a public airing is because of the fact that you did not get the joke, I am very pleased that you did not get it, it is direct confirmation of the fact that society is changing for the better.

My assumption is that you are of the younger generation, and the thought that you are in any way different from a “black person” would never even have crossed your mind.

I am definitely NOT of the younger generation. In addition, I grew up in the Deep South before and during the Civil Rights years... and I didn't get it either. Thanks for explaining publicly. Still not funny though.

Have you ever watched Captain Pugwash?

There was "Roger the cabin boy" and "Seaman Staines"

to name but two of the characters.

Have you ever watched Captain Pugwash?

There was "Roger the cabin boy" and "Seaman Staines"

to name but two of the characters.

A bit of a popular , mishearing myth.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_Pugwash

You may also have heard of the term “Wog” which I suspect derives from the same toys name.
.

I first heard this term back in the '50s and was told that it was short for "Wily Oriental Gentleman" and was aimed at the Arabs in the Bazaars, but since then I have seen other versions of this the most common replaces Wily with Worthy.

I suspect that it is usually useed in a derogatory sense.

Brian

My question is, what is the PC term in the UK? I can't believe it would be "African Europeans" or "African British"



British ... (or Scottish/Welsh0

its not the colour of your skin - but your view on life


There are a few who proud of their hertitage -( where every there forfathers came from ) thats fine - but the vast majority (and I mean the vast majority) would say British


Re the joke - i did say it was un PC

Golly -was a dutch doll - who would tell her owner off for being naughty - it then was a negative terms for anyone black - however you can still get golly dolls here - they are rare - and are ok by the PC Gestapo- but only if used inth e right context ....

i did say thejokes were un PC -

big ho-ha over the colour joke - nothing over the dyslexia one ... or the sexual one ... (what does that say)

i did say thejokes were un PC -

big ho-ha over the colour joke - nothing over the dyslexia one ... or the sexual one ... (what does that say)
I'd say it meant we didn't understand the racial one. Never heard of a "golly" or "gollywog" here.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH, POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS
NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND
FOR THE SAME REASON!

My assumption is that you are of the younger generation, and the thought that you are in any way different from a “black person” would never even have crossed your mind.

I am of the "younger generation" I have heard the term Gollywog and know what it is though I've never really heard anybody use it. My father grew up in the south, they were very poor and certainly didn't put themselves above another person because of the color of their skin. Racism was a non-issue to them. I was raised to not have prejudice because of a person's color. The problem is that too many times the "race card" gets pulled and people expect me to look the other way or put up with something that I normally wouldn't because of the color of their skin. It IS a 2-way street. There is, in my mind at least, a very LARGE difference between a black person and a n*****. Your skin doesn't have to be black to be a n*****. This term falls into the same category as the term cu**; it has it's place but should be extremely reserved.

I am of the "younger generation" I have heard the term Gollywog and know what it is though I've never really heard anybody use it. My father grew up in the south, they were very poor and certainly didn't put themselves above another person because of the color of their skin. Racism was a non-issue to them. I was raised to not have prejudice because of a person's color. The problem is that too many times the "race card" gets pulled and people expect me to look the other way or put up with something that I normally wouldn't because of the color of their skin. It IS a 2-way street. There is, in my mind at least, a very LARGE difference between a black person and a n*****. Your skin doesn't have to be black to be a n*****. This term falls into the same category as the term cu**; it has it's place but should be extremely reserved.

Well said ...

Here is a small collection of jokes that were sent to me.


The Garage Door

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" The boss told her he knew he'd closed his garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door."

When he headed out for a cup of coffee, he paused by her desk. "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?" He asked.

She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.

Two elderly gentlemen

from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: "I'm 83 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Te other said: "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really, you feel like a newborn baby?", the first replied.

"Yes I do. I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Hospital regulations

require a wheelchair for patients that are being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted hedidn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

A couple in their nineties

were both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, their doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" His wife asked.

"Sure thing," he replied.

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it, like the doctor told us to?" she asked.

"No, I can remember it." He assured her.

"I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, sonot to forget it?" she asked.

"I can remember that," he said. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so please write it down." she said.

Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I've got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he went off to the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returned from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and finally said "Where's my toast?"

A senior citizen

said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"I hear you're getting married?"

"Yes I am!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"Is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Nope, she can't cook very well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Is she good in bed?"

"I don't know, we haven't done it yet."

"Then why in the world do you want to marry her?"

"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys

were out walking, and the first one said, "Windy, isn't it?" "I believe that it's Thursday!" The second one said. The third one replied, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

An 82 year-old man

named Morris went to the doctor to get a physical.
Not too long after that, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

At his next visit, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said," Morris replied, "you told me to get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't exactly say that, Morris. What I said was that you've got a heart murmur and be careful."

A little old man

shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Just a bad case of arthritis."

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!


An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" She began, as her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F#$% you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

"A son asks his dad the difference between theoretically & realistically. The dad says that's hard, but I've got an idea. Ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for 1m GBP. The mum says yes.

Now go and ask your sister if she would sleep with the newspaper man for 2m GBP. Sister says yes.

Well there you go son, theoretically we would be sitting on 3m GBP, realistically we're living with 2 sluts!

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this![COLOR=#006000][COLOR=#006000]



Her twin sister works in O'Hare.

Brian

"A son asks his dad the difference between theoretically & realistically. The dad says that's hard, but I've got an idea. Ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for 1m GBP. The mum says yes.

Now go and ask your sister if she would sleep with the newspaper man for 2m GBP. Sister says yes.

Well there you go son, theoretically we would be sitting on 3m GBP, realistically we're living with 2 sluts!
Strictly speaking, sluts don't charge. They're living with two potential prostitutes. ;)

Can't we just get back to the jokes instead of analysing them to death. Very few joes are so funny as to survive dissection

@Rabbie

I agree with your sentiment, which is why I posted the last few entries that I have.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson into his bedroom. "Listen to me," he said to his grandson. "I want you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so that you will always remember me." "But grandpa," the young man complained, "I really don't like guns. Why don't you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "Shut up an listen," the Don replied. "Some day you are going to run the business. You are going to have a beautiful wife, lots of money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos." And then one day when you come home you might find your wife in bed with another man. What are you going to do then, point to your watch and say Times up?

Subject: GOLF FENCE



A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.


Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."


"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them..

Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply �an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad



On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
'The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time.'
He continued, 'Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?'
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
'How much for a season pass?'



Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. So, when they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tyre and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the first question. 'For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.' At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.
Then, the test continued... 'For 95 points, tell me which tyre it was.'



A Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.
'Nobody in school likes me,' he complained.
'The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to school.'
'But, John, you have to go to school,' said her mother sternly. 'You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you're 40 years old and YOU'RE THE PRINCIPAL.'



Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.

Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

My best joke:

Why did the bubblegum cross the road?


...
....

...

It was stuck to the chickens foot :)

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down again and again.
They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters Restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation. All of a sudden, the lights turned off, and the entire place erupted into cheers.

When the revelers noticed the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

"OK," the bartender replied, "but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"In that case," said the nun, "I'll just have to look the other way."

So with that, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"It's because they now know that you're one of us," said the bartender. "By the way, would you like a drink on the house?"

"No thank you," said the puzzled nun, "but I still don't understand."

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "Whatever possessed you to study Japanese?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him"

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big

bunch of flowers.




She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him

in.




She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips

her knickers off and says,







'This is for the flowers!'



'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase

somewhere !'

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a bottle of champagne.




She opens the door, sees the bubbly, and drags him

in.




She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips

her knickers off and says,







'This is for the champagne!'



Paddy says, 'I knew you'd have a bucket!'

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.



One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.



At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from

school two hours late.



"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?"

asked John..



"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit

project," said Tommy.



The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him

completely out of his chair.



"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you

really were after school."



"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did

you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.



"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.



The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking

him off his chair.



With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."



"I am ashamed of you son," said John.

When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."



The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him

out of his chair.



Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did

you ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy, after all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."

The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll
replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."

They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.

The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.

"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.

"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."





Q. How is golf like taxes?
A. Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole



The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."

http://www.completefrance.com/cs/Themes/default/images/spacer.gif After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians".


One week later a Council in Essex reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While she was on the operating table she had a near death experience, and had a vision where she was talking to God.

"Is my time up?" She asked God.

"No," God said to her, "you still have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have some procedures done. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. She had a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change the color of her hair and brighten her teeth!

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"

"To tell you the truth," God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

A famous American singer was flying out of LA. While going through security at the airport, a TSA officer touched her breast. She stated singing:

"Ooh booby love, my booby love
I need you, oh how I need you"

not sure if I have sent this one..

Winter Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, February 29th, 2011

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past Marks & Spencer Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Tongs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -They Make Medicine for PMT - and How To Use It!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windscreen.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Can you see Homer Simpson?

For the faint hearted or vunerable people I suggest you open it from home.

DUDE!!! You need to put a warning on that!!!

7 Degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.


The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE:

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."


The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde handed her the compact. The second one looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE:

A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head.


The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replied, "Shut up ... you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE:

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE:

What did Jane ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE:

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "

SEVENTH DEGREE:

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

The Economy:

The economy is so bad that...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Stree "Wal-Mart Street"

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and, when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

Times have changed:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.


In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

What did the Buddhist say to the hot-dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased;



He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will
eat anything.



Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,

He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,

Because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.



He moved on to the last job, Which is to collect honey from the South African bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.



By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage -
because lions eat anything.



Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to the other lions and says

'What's the food like here?'

The lions say:

'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'

A homeless man asks a passer by for £2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The guy said, "No."






The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The guy said, "No."




Then the man asked,

"Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last..

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Good one :D

JR

After a lengthy study, a South American scientist from Argentina has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity tend to read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.



(Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late).

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home to clean and serve for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is. So he doesn't tell them. Jimmy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they
are eating.
"OK", says her dad, "Here's a hint. YOur mother sometimes calls me this."
"Don't eat it Jimmy!" warns his sister. "It's an asshole."

Sid was traveling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a crowd of people gathering outside a farmhouse.

It was a cold November afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Ellis why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.

The farmer replied, 'Jo's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'

'Well,' replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'

'Nope,' said Farmer Ellis.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and
discovered a dead donkey in the church yard. He called the
police.

Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police
...referred the Preacher to the health department.

The health department said since there was no health threat
that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule
without authorization from the mayor.

Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call
him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to
deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and
rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any
way? Isn`t it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to
direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my
job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of
kin first!"

A businessman... checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab."

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Cheryl, a lovely looking girl, bending over in the photo. He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell I'll give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. Hang on, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?"
She says...





"That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

A journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
-------------------------------------------------------------------


A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

The Penis Poem!


My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out,

What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout !

Time was when, on its own, from my trousers it would spring,

But now its just a full time job to find the fuckin thing!

It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave,

For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave!

Now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!

Those that can read binary....

....and those that can't!

A variant:

There are 11 kinds of people

Those that can count to two in binary, and those that can't!

A variant:

There are 11 kinds of people

Those that can count to two in binary, and those that can't!

wouldn't 11 be 3???
hmmm.... maybe thats the joke... ? lol but then the "writer" of the joke looks silly... oh man, explaining jokes really doesn't help it much does it? hahaha
ok well my vote is for the "10" variant

wouldn't 11 be 3???
hmmm.... maybe thats the joke... ? lol but then the "writer" of the joke looks silly... oh man, explaining jokes really doesn't help it much does it? hahaha
ok well my vote is for the "10" variant

I think the real joke here is that we all understand and discuss jokes about binary.

I think the real joke here is that we all understand and discuss jokes about binary.

Too true... I might as well embrace it... I'm going to get a Binary clock for my desk... i'm sure the office people will appreciate that i'm as nerdy as they all think. Has anyone seen these things????

For the nerds: http://crazy-frankenstein.com/the-most-unnessery-gadgets-to-buy.html

This woman decides to buy a self-assembly cupboard. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Not daunted by this she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again. Thinking that she must have done *something* wrong she re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again. Now, she's finally fed up with this and calls the customer service deparment. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it. Says the technician: "You won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train".

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

I went to a zoo, but it wasn't very good. Every cage had dogs in, and all the same breed,

It was a Shitzhu

I went into a Chinese restaurant, and ordered Chicken Surprise.

It came in one of those bamboo steamer baskets - but as I watched the lid raised slightly, and I could see 2 eyes looking at me

I called the waiter over, and he apologised.

He said - sorry, you ordered Chicken Surprise, but we brought you Peeking Duck.

"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno


"Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's." –Conan O'Brien


"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman


"Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals." –Jay Leno

"After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'" –Jay Leno

"What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad! Abottabad sounds like name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden." –Jon Stewart

The game is over.
Final score:

US Navy SEALs - 1, Bin Laden - 0

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a 20-year life span.” The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for 20 years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?”
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.” The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said,
“Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you 20 years.”
But man said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back; that makes 80, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

The game is over.
Final score:

US Navy SEALs - 1, Bin Laden - 0

... Osama Bin Laden, Hide-and-Seek Champion (2001 - 2011)

A woman goes to the Doctor with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does nothing …it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

A woman goes to the Doctor with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does nothing …it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

Oh that is bad... lol good... but bad..:D

Title: A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

Oh that is bad... lol good... but bad..:D

Its neither bad nor good, its brilliant

Brian

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Five cannibals get hired as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team
now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen
for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals
promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has
disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The
cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:
"Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders,
managers, and project managers and no one has noticed anything, and now
YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working.

For four weeks we've been eating team leaders,
managers, and project managers and no one has noticed anything, and now
YOU ate one developer and it got noticed.

I don't know about IT companies, but if this had happened in the U.S. Government, it would have taken at least a year for the absences to be officially noticed... because most contracts are set up for yearly renewals. We would have run on momentum until it was time to renew the next option year in the contract.

Of course, the moment your cannibal eats a contractor, that would tip off everyone because the contractor's boss would notice that the department's billable hours had dropped off by one person. The accountants would go nuts in a heartbeat to try to recapture the hourly rate lost by that absence.

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

An Irishman proposed to his girl friend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness. He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham rock.

After a visit to the whore house,

a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctor.
“That’s serious” says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes” says the man seriously.


“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:-"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

alittle three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.
his mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.
the little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.
but about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
his mother says: "billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while".
billy says: "i'm fine, mummy... I just haven't done it yet. "
mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes.
but, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
billy says: "it works on the tomato sauce bottle!"

A 3-legged dog walks into an Old West saloon. He slides up to the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

What do you call a paraplegic in the water?
Bob.

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-best-of-chemistry-cat

So is the joke something to do with the site opening multiple tabs in your browser. Don't know what they were because I killed them before they loaded.

Recommend staying away from that link.

So is the joke something to do with the site opening multiple tabs in your browser. Don't know what they were because I killed them before they loaded.

Recommend staying away from that link.
Sorry, it didn't do that on my PC.

Edit: Just went back and still no pop-ups. Took a while to load, but that was all. What I thought was funny were jokes along the following lines:

http://s-ak.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/terminal01/2011/7/26/11/enhanced-buzz-14295-1311694196-6.jpg

http://s-ak.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/terminal01/2011/7/26/11/enhanced-buzz-14293-1311694239-12.jpg

http://s-ak.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/terminal01/2011/7/26/11/enhanced-buzz-14287-1311694120-8.jpg

http://s-ak.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/terminal01/2011/7/26/12/enhanced-buzz-14288-1311698339-13.jpg

Now those are funny!!

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-reasons-guy-whos-fixing-your-computer-hates-you/

A church committee proposes to buy a chandelier to brighten up its worship area. At voting time, an influential committee member puts his foot down firmly and opposes the plan. He says, "I strongly object to this, and I have three good reasons for my objection. First, no one here knows how to spell the word correctly so how are we going to order it? Second, even if we fix the spelling issue and place the order, when it arrives there is no one in this church who knows how to play it. And thirdly, folks, if you would open your eyes and look around, the real need in this church right now is for some more lighting."

Why was the stationmaster's son having a cake on a train seat?

It was his berth-day.

On the Vagueness of English

The Boss was in a quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision; they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like $#!+."

.

Surely I'm not the only person that thinks this kind of joke is in poor taste?

Brian

Edit by Rabbie (Moderator). This joke was judged to be in poor taste and has been deleted.

Surely I'm not the only person that thinks this kind of joke is in poor taste?

Brian




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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Improve your memory power

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it has made a big difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Heart Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running."

Playing violin

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

He called a plumber

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

Pecans at the cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

Whats brown and sticky....

A stick!

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9 (Seven Ate Nine, get it?)

Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?
A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!
Sorry guys thats all of my repertoire.

Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?
A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!
Sorry guys thats all of my repertoire.




Thank Goodness.http://accessworld.accessworld.netdna-cdn.com/forums/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9 (Seven Ate Nine, get it?)


Just told this one to my 6 yr old daughter last night. Her response? :rolleyes:

Just told this one to my 6 yr old daughter last night. Her response? :rolleyes:

My 4 yr old thinks it's funny. :)

It's a Matter of Perspective
The Colorado Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards, claimed a small Software Programmer company was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate.
GOV'T AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

SOFTWARE PROGRAMMER: "Well, there's my tax consultant who's been with me for three years. I pay him $2000 a week plus expenses and four college graduates that get about $2,500 a week as consultants. Then there's the old mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, has no time to go anywhere or do anything else, and I buy him a big bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
"Oh, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally like one a year when she gets too drunk on New Year’s Eve."

GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

SOFTWARE PROGRAMMER: "That would be me."

Whats a mexican favourite sport?

Cross-Country

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

---------------------

President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.'' —Jay Leno

Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Because there were no cars

7 didnt 8 9, 9 8 7

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Canadian Farm

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

1.)A Greek, an Irishman and a Portuguese go into a bar and order a drink. Who picks up the bill?
A German.

2.) The Eurozone credit ratings are like a frying pan.
Greece at the bottom...

3.) Oh dear. The eurozone's Facebook page has changed its currency status from ‘single’ to ‘it's complicated’.

4.) NEWS FLASH: Greece has approached the IMF for a €60bn loan after they were turned down by Wonga

5.) The eurozone leaders are looking for a stimulus package. Silvio Berlusconi suggests two Viagra and a Red Bull.

6.) My wife misunderstood my son when he asked for some Play-Doh for Christmas. She got him a load of euros.

7.) Q: How do you know it's going to be a double-dip recession?
A: Greek exports of taramosalata and tzatziki have plunged.

8.) Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.

When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’

The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’

10.) Breaking news: The eurozone financial crisis will soon be over as Greece has received an unconditional €100bn bailout offer.

All they have to do is email their account details to the anonymous daughter of wealthy, but deceased African general...

7.) Q: How do you know it's going to be a double-dip recession?
A: Greek exports of taramosalata and tzatziki have plunged.


Thanks... now I'm craving Greek food... tzatziki = delicious! :p

New Year resolution joke on family priority:

“Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother's mother-in-law. "Now I can't make up my mind whether he's my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother, "or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece.”

The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up one of the clerks on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent,
the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the big delay.

The clerk replies, "Boss when I went to the elevator it said 'During an emergency please use the staircase'".

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
-Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________ _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Below is proof that William Shakespeare was really born and bred in the Black Country in the West Midlands and not in Stratford-Upon-Avon as is the popular belief.. His plays were converted into old english so the entire world could benefit, but recently a very old original verse from Henry viii has surfaced providing proof of Williams true heritage...

Below is a verse from Henry viii in it's converted Old English form...

Love thyself last; cherish those hearts that hate thee; Corruption wins not more than honesty.
Still in thy right hand carry gentle peace
To silence envious tongues. Be just, and fear not;
Let all the ends thou aim'st at be thy country's,
Thy God's, and truth's; then, if thou fall'st, O Cromwell, Thou fall'st a blessed martyr!
Serve the King, and-prithee lead me in.
There take an inventory of all I have
To the last penny; 'tis the King's. My robe,
And my integrity to heaven, is all
I dare now call mine own. O Cromwell, Cromwell!
Had I but serv'd my God with half the zeal
I serv'd my King, he would not in mine age
Have left me naked to mine enemies.

And now it's original Black Country form...

Love mae last, cherish thowm hearts that cor stand me; corruption is a winner nowt more than the truth.
in my right mitt i'll carry alreet peace
To sharrap down right orrible gobs, be yowaself and bugger em
Let all the ends yow'm aiming at by yowars
Im upstairs and the the honesty, then if yow trip up on Cromwell, yow'll fall a bleeding hypocondriac
Listen to the main un's and pretend to follow em
Then mek a list of all yowa belongings
Daaan to the last penny, it ay the king's it's bleeding mine
And my god's honest truth will get me in the pearly gates
What's mine's mine and what's yowa's is mine an all, bleeding Cromwell, Cromwell
I've fought like a tiger for im upstairs
I've done what I could and i'm naa showing me age
Naa I'm neked and all me enemies can see me bits

Feeling anxious, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, in pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you're lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long, hot bath?"

Unruly children on aircraft...
http://www.youtube.com/embed/M4SkoJy3D0M

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began admiring and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

------------------------------------------------------

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

We could have been here sooner..

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Placing your order..

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

Sometimes.... OK, daily
I have a single code issue that causes me to pull out my hair.

Perhaps somone can help me finish this code to reverse the problem:

Dim MyHead As Object
Dim LostHair As Lost Object
Do Until MyHead.NoLongerBald
Me!LostHair.Replace
Loop
MsgBox "Looking Good!"

WOW .... super nerd joke!

but funny..

Angela Merkell arrives at Athens Airport and goes to Passport Control

SHe is asked her Nationality

"German" she replies

Next question is "Occupation?"

"No" She replies "I am only here for the Euro meeting"

Have to admit I haven't read all 145 pages of jokes on here but this is my favourite - sorry if its been repeated.

A mother was getting onto a bus holding her child, as she climbed aboard the driver looked down at her baby.
"Wow" he exclaimed "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
The woman was so shocked she didn't reply but took her ticket and walked down the bus, as she sat down the man next to her asked why she looked so angry.
"The bus driver just insulted me and I was so shocked I didn't say anything." she said.
"Well you should complain." Said the man.
"You're right, I will go and give him a piece of my mind." she replied.
"Good on you, If you want, whilst you're telling him off I'll hold your pet monkey"

This ventriloquist is be for an audience and he and his dummy were telling dumb blonde jokes (DBJ). He was telling DBJ’s one after another.
After a few minutes this woman in the audience who happened to be a blonde stood up and said, “Do you have any idea how degrading those jokes are? Every day at work I have to put up with them. The make me feel so terrible!
The ventriloquist said, “I’m really sorry! I meant to offend nobody.”
The woman said, I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to that little guy!