1. Did you hear about the polymorphic tractor, it was driving down the road and then turned into a field.

2. Man walks in a barbers, barber says, "how do want your hair", man says "some off the top, some of the sides", barber says "do you want it cutting round the back?", man says "if it's all the same to you, I'll have it cut round the front with everyone else".

I'll set the level... :D :p

Why did the Chinese man dowse himself in curry?
It was a chop-sueyside.


What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?
Surreal


Just didn't want the thread to die on its own - I'll delete these one day, leaving Fornation's "jokes". :rolleyes:

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doctor," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

This is actually one of my favorites - not worst.

A man goes to the doctor's to get the results of some tests done earlier that week (his wife accompanies him). Before they sit down, the doctor asks the husband if he could speak to his wife alone for a moment - the husband agrees and leaves the room.

"Well, what is it?", she frantically asks.
"The diagnosis is not good!" the doctor replies sadly, "he will most likely die in 6 months - unless...".
"Yes?!? What?!? I'll do anything I can!".
"Well", said the doctor "for one, we need to bring his stress and blood pressure down - this would easily be accomplished if he didn't have to worry about any of the house or yard work. Try bringing his meals to him in bed or on the couch. Make sure he's constantly relaxed - periodic massages would help and be sure to make yourself available to him in the bedroom whenever he feels like it. With your help, your husband should recover fully by next year!"

Later on the drive home, the husband asks:
"So, what did the doctor say to you?"

"You're gonna die in 6 months!".

------
I got that in an email a long time ago - I had to rewrite it though because I don't have it anymore (hope I did it justice!)

-Sean

A farmer walks into the Sears store in the middle of a cold January day and tells the man behind the counter, "I need me one of them thar new auto-matic milkin' machines for milkin' cows."

"That's absolutely no problem, sir", said the clerk. "First, I need to know how may cows you milk".

"Well, I got one milk, cow. Yessir, just the one."

"Pardon me, but why would you want to get an auto-matic milking machine for just one cow? Seems like an awful waste of money."

"Wellssir, let me tell you what happened last evening. I went out to the barn to milk that cow, and it was really cold. Well, I got down there and put the bucket in place, and when I grabbed the teats, the cow kicked me with her left leg, and knocked me clean over. Well, I just got me a piece of rope, and tied her left leg to the nearest post, and went back at it. This time she kicked me with her right leg, and knocked me clean over, again. So I got me another piece of rope, and tied her right leg to another post. Wellssir, the ropes was in my way, now, so I had to get behind her and milk her from back there. When I grabbed the teats, she smacked me across the face with her tail, which was covered with frozen mud, and it stung like heck! So I got me another piece of rope, and I tied it to the end of her tail, and slung it up over a rafter beam. Wellssir, when I did that, two things happened. First, my bib overalls came undone at the straps and fell down around my ankles, and second, my wife walked into the barn to see if I needed any help. And that's why I need one of them milkin' machines."

I'll probably regret this, but...

During WWII an American Colonel was hosted by the officers of a British regiment during a mess night. As with most British regiments this one had a storied past and numerous battle flags, weapons, plaques and the like adorned the wall of the mess. The American Colonel's rather pompous host went on with excruciating detail about each and every item. The poor Colonel was fairly well fed up when his host came upon another battle flag.

"And this one might interest you Colonel. We captured this from the American rebels at Breed's Hill which I believe you call the Battle of Bunker Hill. As you can see Colonel, we still have the flag."

To which the American replied, "Yes, but we still have the hill."

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light bulb?

The lowest I've sunk for a post:

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you". Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block". Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?" Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home".

Wayne

Man goes into the Doctors.
Doc says "You've only got 2 weeks to live"
Man says "Can you make it the last 2 weeks in August please?

____________

We had a quiet wedding, Vicar had laryngitis

____________

Man goes into doctor's surgery and, after an examination, the doctor says "I can only give you ten to live..."

"Ten what, Doc? Months? Days"

The doctor replies: "Nine!"

A sofa talking to a chair says - "what shall we do this weekend?"

Chair says - "I'm easy!"

___________________________

Sofa to chair - "shall we go to the football?"

Chair says - "we'll never get seats!"

___________________________

Boom Boom!

Glad we've set the level now.

Two tramps sitting on the wall of mansion in the dead of winter, shivering with cold and the wind biting at their faces. "I'm starving" says the older tramp. I know how we'll get some food and walks off. The younger tramp follows. Into a field they go and the old tramp feels around in the grass and picks up a cowpat and wanders back toward the mansion and knocks on the front door. An elegant, well to do lady opens the door, distressed to see the tramp holding a cowpat forward. "Can I have some salt for this please". The woman says "You can't eat that and drags him into the house". The younger tramp, still freezing to the touch, wanders round to the nearest window and watches as the older tramp feasts with the mansion family. The younger man follows the same routine as the older tramps and duly returns with a frozen cowpat. He knocks on the door and asks "Can I have some salt for this please?". The same lady replies "You can't eat that, go round to the stables and fetch a warm one!" (sorry :) )

Man to Woman: Would you sleep with me for a million pounds?
Woman to Man (after thought): Yes I would.
Man to Woman: Brilliant, now we've established the principle let's talk about the price!

Did you hear about the dyslexic, amnesiac, agnostic who sat up all night wondering if there was a dog.

Here's the "funniest joke in the world"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_depth/sci_tech/2001/glasgow_2001/1527602.stm

Wayne

Two blondes walked into a bar. You'd think the second would've seen it.
=====

2am. The phone rings and Marie answers and listens a moment. She then replies: "How should I know? That's 200 miles away from here! Try the weather service." Then she hangs up.

Her husband asks: "Who was that?"

Marie replies: "Wrong number. It was some woman wanting to know if the coast was clear!"
====

Marie comes home to find her husband in the arms of another woman. She reaches in her purse, removes a gun and puts it to her head.

Her husband pleads with her: "Marie, don't do it! This is not worth taking your life over!"

Marie replies: "Don't you worry, mister. You're next!"
====

Eli Whiteny, the inventor of cotton gin, told his friends: "Hi guys, will you please get your cotton picking hands off my gin?"

A science guy in his lab grabs a fly.

It took the fly's front legs off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly flies and the guy grab it again.

It took the fly's back legs off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly flies and the guy grab it again.

It took the fly's rear legs off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly flies and the guy grab it again.

It took the fly's wings off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly lies in his hand...

The guy takes his book and note:
"Fly's ears are on their wings"
========================
A guy to another.
-I don't know what is wrong, I am seeing large red flashing dots every nights.
-Have you seen a doctor?
-No! Just large red flashing dots.
========================
A blonde shows a 5$ bill to her boyfriend.
-I got this by climbing a tree.
-What?
-A guy told me he would give it to me if I climbed the tree.
-Come on! He did it to get a look at your underwear from underneath your skirt.

Next day...
She shows another 5$ bill to her boyfriend.
-I got this by climbing a tree again.
-I told you! He did it to get a look at your underwear.
-I know! But this time he couldn't have seen it.
-Why?
-I didn't wear any.

Mile's right shouldn't let this thread die so..............

Man walks into the doctor's.

Man:
" Doctor I think I'm a moth"

Doctor:
"You don't need me - you should've gone to a psychiatrist."

Man:
"I know but your light was on"

Here's an oldie

Man goes into Docs and says

"Doc, I think I'm a pair of curtains"

Doc says "Pull yourself together":rolleyes:

___________________________________

If thats the best I can do I reckon I'll go home now.;)

That's even worse than my joke, I bow to the master and please don't give up the day job.

How do you make a drummer play quieter?

Put music in front of him.

How do you make a drummer stop playing?

Ask him to read it.

__________________

Well it keeps my post count ahead of Hayley!:D

Originally posted by BarryMK
That's even worse than my joke, I bow to the master and please don't give up the day job.

Sorry Barry, that is bad I know. Its got to be the worst so far:D

Originally posted by ColinEssex
How do you make a drummer play quieter?

Put music in front of him.

How do you make a drummer stop playing?

Ask him to read it.
I don't play the the drums but I do know that there is music notation ( drum notation? ) for playing the drums.

Listen to Dream Theater's Mike Portnoy for a great drummer.

Chap goes into Docs and says

"Doc, I think I'm a pair of pliers"

Doc says, "Get a grip mate"

________________________

Oh blimey - they're getting worse:rolleyes: don't worry, I'm off home now

Originally posted by Cosmos75

I don't play the the drums but I do know that there is music notation ( drum notation? ) for playing the drums.

Listen to Dream Theater's Mike Portnoy for a great drummer.

I play drums in a rock n roll band, first heard that drummer joke about 100 years ago!!!

Check out Buddy Rich for a great drummer.
Col

There's Robin Hood with an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. They've all been really bad to Robin Hood, so he says to them, "Sorry guys, I'm going to have to shoot you. You've got a choice of one drink before you go and I have 3 arrows each."

The Englishman says, "I'll have a pinta lager please." He's given a pint of lager, knocks it back in one and stands where Robin tells him to. Robin lines up his bow and arrow, and shoots and the Englishman dies.

The Scotsman says "I'll have shot of whiskey please." So he knocks back his whiskey, Robin aims and fires and the Scotsman dies.

The Irishman says, "O'il hava bottla aftershave please." Robin Hood says, "What, aftershave. Are you sure?" "Ah yes, positive", replies the Irishman. Robin can't believe this and says again, "You really want to drink a bottle of aftershave?" "Absolutely shurrr thank you." So Robin finds him a bottle of aftershave, the Irishman swigs it back until it's finished, stands in the appropriate place and Robin Hood aims up his bow and arrow and fires. Whoosh - the arrow goes straight over the Irishman's head. "Wow - that's never happened before" said Robin. He lines up his next arrow and fires. Whoosh, around the Irishman it goes. Totally bemused Robin said to himself, "Golden arrow time", lines up extremely carefully and fires. "Whoosh" it goes round the Irishman the other way. "Well", said Robin, "You've had your 3 arrows. You're free to go ... but can you just tell me your secret." "Ahhh", says the Irishman, "Aramis!!!!." :D

I've played bass for the last %******!!! years. I always thought drummers were people who like to spend time with us musicians?

Yeah, heard that one too Barry:rolleyes: you'd be lost without a drummer:D

Agreed Colin. I guess us rythmn sectioners should stick together :cool: What good's a band without a motor?

One of my faves but it does test the profanity filter a bit. Look away all who may be offended ....

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.
'Where's the p*ssing, mother fu*kin manager, you c*cksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-fu*kin manager of this b*stard place?'
'Yes sir I am,' replies the manager,'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.
'Fu*k off' replies the bloke 'and where's the fu*kin piano?'
'Pardon?' say's the manager.
'Fu*kin deaf as well, are we? You sniveling little piece of sh*t, show me your b*stard piano' 'Ah,' replies the manager,'you've come about the pianists job' and shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'
'Of course I can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
'That's superb. What's it called?'
'I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my d*ck,' replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
'Magnificent.' Cries the manager. 'What's it called?'
'I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer.'
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard,
'And what's this called?' asks the manager.
'As I fu*k you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he does not introduce any of his songs or talks to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid eyes on. She is wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out of the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice. 'Where's that b*stard pianist?' He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear,' Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping semen on your shoes?'
The bloke replies. 'Know it? I fu*kin wrote it.'

Well I can't top that, But this is my favorite "Dirty Joke"

A Man fell in some mud

Should be hidden, spoils the suprise :(

Could you add a "Hidden" colour?

A woman calls the grocer and asks that he deliver 38 qts of milk. He asked; What do you want with so much milk? She tells him; I'm going to take a milk bath. He asks: Do you want it pasteurized? She says no, up to my neck will be fine...

A married couple were in bed one night when there was a knock on the door. The man went downstairs to find a man wanting a push. He said forget it and went to bed. When he went back upstairs his wife asked who was at the door. He told her some guy wanting a push and he went back to bed. His wife said, do you mean you didn't give him a push? After all the help strangers have given you over the years? How could you be so callous? You should be ashamed of yourself. Well he realized if he didn't get up and help the guy that he'd never hear the end of it. He went back downstairs and opened the door. It was pitch black outside and he couldn't see a thing. He called out, hey do you still need a push? A voice from the distance answered yes, yes I do. He asked where are you? I'm over here. Well, where's over here??? I'm on the swing.


grooooaaaaan. My 93 year old aunt has a million of these!!

Ole was on his death bed. He turned to Lena, his wife of many years, and said:

"Lena, when I'm gone I hope you will remarry".

"All right Ole, I will".

"And Lena, it's all right with me if your new husband lives in our house. And I guess it's all right if you and he sleep in our bed. But please, honor this one wish. Don't let any other man use by golf clubs."

"Don't worry Ole, he's left-handed".

RichM

Courtesy of a friend

John had a terrible accident which mangled his private parts, requiring they be removed. His spirit was broken.

His doctor told him: "John, all is not lost. I can make you better than before. It is possible for us to replace your lost member with a prostetic. However, the procedure is considered cosmetic and would not be paid by your insurance.

The hope of regaining his manly prowess lifted John's heart to ask: "How much would it cost?"

His doctor explained: "You can get the 4 inch model for $6,000.00 (John's frown quickly faded); or the 6 incher for $7,500.00 (John began to smile); or you may have the 9 inch version for $10,000.00." (John grinned as his eyes widened with anticipation)

"But normally I insist that the decision be made only after you've consulted with your wife"

John happily agreed, and set off for home.

Upon his next return, the doctor asked for his decision. John hung his head sadly, replying: "She said for that kind of money, she'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Here is another in my top 5.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day. "You know I know everyone there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone and I know them." Tired of his boasting his boss called his bluff. "Alright Dave how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to
Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts "Dave, what's happening? Great to
see you, come on in for a beer."
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he
thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else." Dave says. "President Bush"
his boss quickly retorts. "Yes." Dave says: "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over saying, "Dave, what
a surprise was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to
name anyone else. "The Pope!" his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave, "My folks are from Poland, and I've
known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses
in Vatican Square when Dave says. "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these
people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony
with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour
later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has
had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side,
Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, Who the f*ck is that on the balcony with Dave?"

Originally posted by BarryMK
I've played bass for the last %******!!! years.

I knock about on bass sometimes, not in the band though.

Here's a pic of mine

Col

A Ricky - nice! I play mainly a metallic red Fender P Bass Lyte through Peavey gear. Only pic I can find at work is this white one. Oh dear it's Monday again.

I also have a Fender Jazz. I use an Ampeg 100w amp and a Zoom bass 701 effects box (just to experiment with different sounds)

I have to say that although the Rick was expensive, its the 4003 model, it really does produce a gorgeous sound. (I got it as a present from me to me!)
I sometimes play bass in a little orchestra which is nice. Mostly I play it at home though. (keeps me off the streets:rolleyes: )

Col

About the only effect I use is a Marshall chorus pedal. I recently invested in radio mikes for my stage basses and they are wonderful, I'm on the streets at present - my last blues rock three piece just folded thanks to a bread head lead player, just as the gigs were starting to roll in. Ho hum a musician's life for me..........perhaps I should form a boy band or maybe an old boy band. Are we straying off topic?? perhaps we should start an Access muso thread.

Here's what I play ... beautiful sound. Bought it a couple of years ago after playing a much cheaper model for years. It's not a great picture, but the best I could find.

Yes we are off topic. Its my fault - :rolleyes:

I'll let you start a "What musical instruments do you play?" thread then.

Originally posted by ColinEssex
I also have a Fender Jazz. I use an Ampeg 100w amp and a Zoom bass 701 effects box (just to experiment with different sounds)
Col
Haven't you gone yet!:rolleyes: :p

Pearl of wisdom - when it comes to music gear always buy the best you deserve it.

Originally posted by Rich

Haven't you gone yet!:rolleyes: :p

Saturday Rich. Then its 2 weeks without me:p (unless I log on in an internet cafe somewhere)

Can you get a late booking?:D

Col

Here's another:

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessor, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for £600. The dog's owner went berserk. "£600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"


The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been £50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..........."

Seen this one recently:

What do clouds and women have in common?

After they f*ck off it turns into a beautiful day!

:rolleyes:

Originally posted by Mile-O-Phile
Seen this one recently:

What do clouds and women have in common?

Uh Oh - Prepare for the backlash (well from all those that can highlight anyway);)

One morning while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked
up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you
firmed this up we could get rid of your girdles." This was a bit over the
limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning
the man woke his wife! with a pinch on the breast.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit.She rolled over and grabbed him by
his manhood!
Maintaining a vice grip she whispered in ear,
"You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman,
the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

Subject: Yet more talented people from Liverpool..................


Subject: Ferrari

It has just been announced that the Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire Pit Crew yesterday. The action followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's 'Work For the Dole' Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Liverpool.

The decision was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Scousers were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds, without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high-tech gear.

A bold move by Ferrari management, as most F1 races are won and lost in the pits. However, Ferrari are seen to now have a massive advantage over every other F1 team.

Ferrari got more than they bargained for, however, during the Scouse
Crew's first practice session.
Not only were they able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had also resprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of Special Brew,a gram of Coke and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower.

Two kids were talking about their father's jobs.

First Kid : "My dad is a doctor."
Second kid : "My dad is a lawyer."
First kid : "Honest?"
Second kid : "No, just regular."

Along the lines of Lawyer jokes ...

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just
happened.
It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,
I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said
"I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh"........... So she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.
Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife,
"Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey."
But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'

Kidd #1: My father works as a Plumber
Kidd #2: My father works as a IT Specialist
Kidd #3: My father works as a Doctor
Kidd #4: My father works at MacDonalds !

Regards

Originally posted by namliam
Kidd #1: My father works as a Plumber
Kidd #2: My father works as a IT Specialist
Kidd #3: My father works as a Doctor
Kidd #4: My father works at MacDonalds !

Regards

I don't get it...:confused:

Nor me - (didn't like to admit it first though:rolleyes: )

Originally posted by namliam
Kidd #1: My father works as a Plumber
Kidd #2: My father works as a IT Specialist
Kidd #3: My father works as a Doctor
Kidd #4: My father works at MacDonalds !

Regards
The joke is supposed to be that each kidd is trying to better the other...

So... Working at macdonalds at minimum wage is better than beeing a doctor.... Its one off the worsest dont you think?

Its a commercial in Holland :( not of my own fabrication....

Regards

Originally posted by namliam

Its one off the worsest dont you think?

Lets just say its not the best;)

Which is the worst then, should we have one of them polling things set-up?

namliam's on this page is pretty bad as he had to explain it and its still not funny!

Mile-O's on page 1 and mine on the same page are pretty gross. I didn't have the energy to read any more:rolleyes:

Col

Colin, find the energy to read Fizzio's piano player with Tourette's on page 2. Now one of my all time favorites.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month" he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

To which the husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your out of here".

Being a very conservative parent, I never allowed my children to watch the Lawrence Welk show on TV.

Why?

Too much sax and violins!

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He says that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. Mystified, she asks: "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers: " Well, it's like this: yesterday, when she went by the store I asked her to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, on account of, she says, it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she...."

woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded,
”Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians.You’re crazy going Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”


“Don’t go any further.” I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s hysterical,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need plenty of it.”

A month later the woman visited the hairdresser again. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.


“It was wonderful,” exclaimed the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked in economy so they bumped us up to first class. “The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.Would you believe that they were overbooked too, apologised and gave us the owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the international visitors and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and kissed his hand and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get that shit hairdo?”

It's hard in sales

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

Can't resist this one:

A piece of string wearing a Tux walks in to a bar and asks for a beer. 'Certainly', replies the barman,' but, execuse me, are you a piece of string?'

'Yes', replied the string.

A few minutes later another piece of string wearing an Armani suit walks in to a bar and asks for a beer. 'Certainly', replies the barman,' but, execuse me, are you a piece of string?'

'Yes', replied the string, and goes to sit with the first piece of string.

A few minutes later a piece of desheveld, tatered, worn string walks in to a bar and asks for a beer. 'Certainly', replies the barman,' but, execuse me, are you a piece of string?'

'no, I'm afraid not'

This is one of my favourites... well we can't let this thread die now can we...

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

Realising that there are a few female programmers out there (none in my office - more the pity!)

Thought I'd post a joke dedicated to all the women on the forum...

Classes for men at your local adult learning center

Sign up now!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays.
(A step by step guide, with slide presentation.)

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders?
(Round table discussion.)

Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub?
(Group practice.)

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
(Pictures and explanatory graphics.)

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
(Examples on video.)

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
(Helpline support and support groups.)

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
(Open forum.)

Topic 8 - Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
(Graphics and audio tape.)

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost.
(Real life testimonials.)

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
(Driving simulation.)

Topic 11 - Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
(Online class and role playing.)

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion.
(Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.)

Topic 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
(Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.)

**Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

A man walks into a fishmongers with a haddock under his arm. "Do you sell fish fingers" he asks. "of course we do" says the fishmonger, we wouldn't be proper fishmongers if we didn't". The man grins with glee and says "Oh good it's his birthday"

A man walks into a fishmongers with a haddock under his arm. "Do you sell fish fingers" he asks. "of course we do" says the fishmonger, we wouldn't be proper fishmongers if we didn't". The man grins with glee and says "Oh good it's his birthday"

Fishcakes, not fish fingers. ;)

The CEO of a company was addressing their top salesmen/women at their annual recognition dinner. The CEO said : "Now we are making a sale every 3 minutes."
One guy in the back shouted : "That is not good enough."
The CEO ignored him and continued : "With our new Sales Promotion Program, we will be making a sale every 2 minutes."
The same guy in the back shouted : "That is not good enough."
The CEO was irritated. The CEO said : " Sir, will you please stand up and tell me why that is not good enough?"
One guy stood up and said : "There is a sucker born evry minute."

long time since i been on ere,,,, o well here goes
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Who?
no need to cry its only a joke..................
------------------------------------------------------------------------

doctor doctor i feel like a snooker ball
go to the end of the cue........

------------------------------------------------------------------------

doctor doctor everyone keeps ignoring me
next please.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

man walks into a psychiatrists office wraped in cling film with nothing underneath
psychiatrist says: i can clearly see your nuts
------------------------------------------------------------------------

what do vampires cross the sea in?
blood vessels!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok ok if i think of anymore ill add later.

Dal

apologies, just recovering from a bout of man-flu (10 x normal flu) :)

Q: What's the difference between a women and a freezer.
A: A freezer doesn't fart when you pull your meat out:D

These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews:

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neurone short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

Originally posted by Mile-O-Phile
Fishcakes, not fish fingers. ;)

Well, that made a bit more sense.

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.

Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up...Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics."

Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making aloud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Lisa is blonde.

Just realised exactly how many bad jokes I do have...

Must apologise to the forum!!

:p

Very funny ones Andy. Keep em coming.

Well if you insist... :p

Australian Tourist Board Web-Site

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.

1.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I wanton contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

This one is one of my favourites... :D

Qantas

After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the plane's next flight can review the form before taking off.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses with P = the problem logged by the pilot, S = the solution and action taken by engineers.

Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude -hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Opps!!

:p

Title: Cigar Insurance
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another example of why this country needs a few more good lawyers!

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ..."Get this" ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued... .. AND WON

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

BUT WHAT COMES AROUND...

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... On 24 counts of arson!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars. He was sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!!

I suppose there's justice in there somewhere...This is a true story from the "Legal Times".

Originally posted by andy_dyer
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Surely turning 90 degrees from south would have us facing either east or west. ;)

Surely turning 90 degrees from south would have us facing either east or west.

Hmmm....

Don't look at me that was I how I picked it up!!

And of all the people I have sent that to, you are the only one to see it (including me!!)

Mile, you win a cookie!! ;)

Read the line again. You get the other 90 degrees when you arrive.

Aussies, you gotta love them... but not always understand them!!

:p

Changing the subject b4 the Aussies wake up... :p

Paddy walks into a shop the other day and sees a Tartan patterned Thermos Flask. He turns around to the assistant and asks, "What's that?".

The assistant proceeds to tell him that it's "a Thermos Flask". "What's one of those for?" asks Paddy, to which the shop assistant tells him "well it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Paddy's so impressed he decides to buy one for his work at the local building site.

The next day, on the site, lunchtime arrives and they all down tools to have their sandwiches. With that Paddy takes out his Thermos. Shemus turns around to Paddy and says, "What's that there you got Paddy?".

Paddy explains, "A Thermos......it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold.". Shemus then asks "What have you got in yours?",
to which Paddy replies "Two cups of coffee and a Choc Ice".

Only in America

They lock up the jury and send the criminal home.

The Government dept in charge of everything outdoors is called the 'Dept of the Interior'

A place where food costs 3 times is called 'concession'

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE !

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. It's genetic.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No, NO you really do have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like
camping.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

This one has probably done the rounds especially on a forum like this one...

Top ten reasons why computers are better than boy/girlfriends:

10. You can turn them off when you're done with them.

9. They never say, "You can't login tonight, I have a headache."

8. You can tell them anything, and they will always listen.

7. You can program them to give you the answers you want to hear.

6. They are never too tired.

5. If you come home at 3am, they don't ask where you've been.

4. They don't hog the bed and steal all the covers.

3. They don't eat (unless you count disks).

2. They remember everything you want them to remember, and forget everything you want them to forget.

1. They never complain that you don't take them anywhere.

Top ten reasons why boyfriends/girlfriends are better than computers:

10. You don't need a password to get in.

9. They won't shut down if there's a power outage.

8. It's difficult to take a computer to bed.

7. The Aide Station never gets calls asking for advice on someone's lovelife.

6. A computer won't laugh at your jokes.

5. You might get a few strange looks if you bring a computer to a drive-in movie. (Do they still HAVE those?)

4. When you use bad grammar on a computer, you get all sorts of nasty messages (Note: this could also hold true for boy/girl-friends if one happens to be an English major, but not generally).

3. Computers don't give back-rubs.

2. You can't put your freezing feet on a computer's leg to warm them up.[Well, you could, but: 1) they wouldn't get very warm, and 2) you wouldn't have the pleasure of hearing the computer shriek].

1. You can't have sex with a computer. [Again, I suppose you could, but it might be dangerous...]

Originally posted by andy_dyer
6. A computer won't laugh at your jokes.

With jokes like these no-one on the forum will either... :p

Guess this is the quickest way to get people to ignore my pathetic pleas for help with my databases!! :D

Better stop posting jokes!! ;)

If you swim in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray

Originally posted by FoFa
If you swim in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray
Oh, I love that one! This is a version I saw posted on the door of a social psychologist's office (for obvious reasons):

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie,
that's amore.

When you're swimming with zeal and an eel bites your heel,
that's a moray.

If your culture eat dogs or carves idols from logs,
those are mores.

Originally posted by andy_dyer
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE !

1. Learn to work the toilet ........, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like
camping.

On duplication...

Read the same here... (http://www.access-programmers.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=42068&perpage=15&highlight=toilet&pagenumber=4)

Originally posted by Friday


On duplication...


Is the On thread backOn ?

:D

An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company.

One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims proudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo."

The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Originally posted by andy_dyer
"Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."


Knowledge is Power.

Chap working on the farm cut his finger. He went to the farmer and said I need this looked at. The farmer said, Best thing for that you’ is to go an stick it up a cows arse, brilliant disinfectant that! So off the lad went. Well it wasn’t long before he met the farmer’s daughter and she asked him what he was about, He told her what her father had said. No need to go all the way to the cowshed she said, you might as well stick it up my arse, well after a while she said hey, that’s not my arse, the lad said that’s not my finger!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least twenty times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things little bit more clear.

IN PRISON. . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON . . you get three meals a day.
AT WORK . . . you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON . . you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK . . . you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
AT WORK . you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON. . you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK. . . you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON. . you get your own toilet.
AT WORK. . . you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON. . they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK. . . you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON. . all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK. . . you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON. . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK. . . you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON . . . you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK . . . they are called managers.

So ....... why is it again that we work?

Three women went to hospital maternity room to deliver their babies. Their husbands were waiting outside the maternity room.
A little later, a nurse came and said to Mr. Jones: "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
Jones said : "It makes sense. I work for the Minnesota twins."
Then a nurse came and said to Mr. Brown : "Congratulations! your wife had triplets!". Brown said : " I see the connection. I work for the 3M company."
The third man passed out. Everybody helped him. When he was alright, they asked him why he passed out.
He said : "I work for the 7UP company."

A man sits at the counter of a tavern and says "Give me a beer while I read this menu." The bartender puts a glass of beer on the counter and says "That'l be a penny." "Are you kidding? 1 penny?" "Yep" "Wow" "OK, I'm ready to order. I'll have the large steak, salad, and baked potatoe, and cheese cake." Bartender says "That'l run you into some real money." Customer says "Just fix it; I'm starved."
The food is set on the counter along with the check. The customer idly looks at the check and exclaims "4 cents! Is this a joke?" "I warned you ." says the bartender. Thrilled the customer exclaims "This is incredible. Where's the owner of this place?"
The bartender replies "He's upstairs, in bed with my wife!"

The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors' orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he has been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a very real danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."

"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a nubile young nurse was giving patient a blow job.

"Oh my", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem - but he's with BUPA."

From an email I was sent yesteray:

Bobby Robson has come out and said that "I hope the critics will stop saying that my team has no penetration" and "The players have shown that they can come from behind". He also added, "My players are getting stuck in as a group and are pulling together. I must complement them on their positioning and in probing to find holes to score. All in all they displayed fantastic energy and showed no mercy. I just hope that next time, they can keep a clean sheet."

:rolleyes:

Just stumbled upon this from an old email...

One of my favourites and reduces me to tears of laughter everytime!!!

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The mystery man is revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt,Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt?Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announed the Schitt?Happens wedding. The Schitt?Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them!

Last one for now...

Apologies to the easily offended... :rolleyes:

THE TOP 10 TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN THE WORD F*CK WAS APPROPRIATE

"What the f*ck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the f*ck did all these Indians come from?"
- General Custer

"But, it's so f*cking simple!!"
- Albert Einstein

"It does SO f*cking look like her!"
- Pablo Picasso

"How the f*ck did you work that out?"
- Pythagorus

"You want me to paint the whole f*cking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo

"I suppose a little f*cking rain would be too much to ask?"
- Joan of Arc

"Who the f*ck is going to know? "
- Bill Clinton

"Scattered f*cking showers...my ass."
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a f*cking hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy

<<The Doctor replied, "Same problem - but he's with BUPA.">>

What is BUPA?

Sorry... they are one of the biggest Private Health Care companies in the UK!

I did actually think as soon as I posted that joke that anyone outside of the UK may not have a clue what I was talking about!!

:D

Well this is the only joke I know, apologies if I offend anyone :)



What is the smartest thing to ever have come out of a blonde's mouth?

Einstein's c*ck!

A train is passing through lush green farmland when suddenly, it leaves the tracks and starts running through the fields. After a while, the train returns to the tracks and continues on, to the utter amazement and shock of everyone on board.

At the next stop, all the passengers get out and confront the engineer. He tells them there was a guy standing on the tracks and he would not get off even though the horn was sounded several times. The passengers became really angry and asked the engineer why he was stupid enough to risk the lives of so many passengers to save one idiot's life.

The engineer immediately started defending himself. He said, "I am not that stupid! Once I realized he was not going to get off the tracks, I had decided that I had no choice but to run him over." The passengers were quite taken aback. "So you made the right decision. Then, how come the train left the tracks?" The engineer replied in all seriousness, "but at the last minute, the idiot leapt off the tracks and started running through the fields!"

A realtor was showing a house to a prospective buyer. The realtor said the house location is great.
On the north side, there is a fish market.
On the south side, there is the city dump.
On the east side, there is a chemical plant.
On the west side, there is a waste treatment plant.

The buyer was not pleased. The buyer asked,"What is good about the location?"
The realtor said, "You always know which way the wind is blowing."

A businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt
off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his
round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself
home and back to work and everything would be fine.
He went to the front of the casino where a cab was waiting. He got in and
explained his situation to the cabbie, promising to send the driver money
from home. He even offered the cabbie his credit card numbers, his drivers
license number, his address, etc.-all to no avail.
"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" the cabbie
yelled. So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was
barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later, the businessman returned to Las Vegas and this time he
won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of
the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Then he recalled the
cabbie who wouldn't help him a year before.
Looking at the line of cabs at the hotel, he spotted the same cabbie at
the end of the line. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and smiled broadly when it
came to him.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, and asked, "How much for a
ride to the airport?"
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me on the way?" asked the businessman.
"What?! Get Out out of my cab, you scum," said the cabbie.
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the line of taxis and
asked the same questions, with the same result-getting kicked out of each
taxi.
When he got to cabbie who had refused to help him a year ago, he got in
and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
"Fifteen bucks," the cabbie replied.
The businessman said, "O.K," and off they went. And, as they drove slowly
past the long line of cabs at the hotel entrance, the businessman gave a big
smile and thumbs up sign to each cab driver.

Last night I dreamt I had written 'Lord Of The Rings'. This morning I realised I'd just been Tolkein in my sleep.

:p

Running out of the long jokes, so now you get the short ones!!

I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?....

As soon as the currency changeover is complete the phrase "spending a penny" will be replaced by "Euronating"....

After the first design failed what did the man who invented the drawing board go back to ?....

what do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?? sistermatic....

wife looking at herself naked in front of mirror says i look big fat and ugly says to husband pay me a nice complment he says your eyesight is very good.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the screen. It said,'Parking Fine.'So that was nice."

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid,the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Why are hurricaines always named after women? Because when they arrive they're warm & torrid but when they leave they take your house & car!....

Why did the mexican throw his wife off the cliff.......
Tequela (think about it)

That'll keep you going!!

:D

A man(the same man in the previous jokes, what an unlucky b*****d), phone his doctors emergency line. The doctor answers, the man says "Doctor, you've got to visit me immediately, I think I've punctured my colostomy bag". The doctor, concerned by the man's predicament says "Where are you ringing from?"

"The waist down" the man replies.

Two guys are moving about in a huge supermarket when their carts collide.

One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was actually looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, the other guy responded, "I'm looking for my wife as >well, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well," said the first guy, "Maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with long red hair, long firm legs, huge tits and a very nice tight ass. What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind," said the other guy enthusiastically, "Let's look for yours!"

Picked up by the Police , these are some of the comments made by the drivers


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.


2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.


3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?


4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!


5. Are you Andy or Barney?


6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.


7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?


8. I pay your salary!


9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!


10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.


11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.


12. When the Officer says "Gee, Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee, Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

IMO

What do you get if you don't pay your exorcist promptly?
Repossessed

Hardy Har har

Nice one FoFa - I like that:D

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?

She was a dream!


There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of
her underwear.

It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car;)

This is a joke from our DOS days.

Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with a vampire?

A: Autoexec.bat

=====================
Doctor told this man he only has 6 weeks to live.

He told his friend that he is going to live with his mother-in-law.
The friend said : "I thought you did not like her that much !!"
The man said : "That is true, so it is going to be the longest 6 weeks of my life."

Another football scandal!...

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found lying dead in the house of a famous French Footballer.

Police confirm they are treating the case as "murder on Zidane's floor".


:rolleyes:

oK oK!!

It has been a week since the last joke... things r slowing down!!

Guess it's up to me to keep this thread alive!! :p

A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks should he cut it into six or twelve pieces. "six please" she replies "i could never eat twelve"....

Why do blondes take the pill ? so they know what day of the week it is....

A blonde was driving down a motorway when her boyfriend calls and says "Dear be carefull, I just heard on the news that there is a maniac on the road driving the wrong way" to which the blonde replys "There not just one maniac, there's hundreds of them!"

Why did the blonde tiptoe past the chemist ? because she didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills....

How does an Essex girl switch on a light?

She opens the car door

Uh oh...

Opened the door now for all the blonde and sexist jokes.....

Better hope that Hayley or any other female doesn't check this thread now...

:eek:

Originally posted by andy_dyer
Uh oh...

Opened the door now for all the blonde and sexist jokes.....

Better hope that Hayley or any other female doesn't check this thread now...

:eek:

Guess I'm ok then as I'm not blonde;)

Originally posted by Hayley Baxter
Guess I'm ok then as I'm not blonde;)

Or female! :D

Originally posted by Mile-O-Phile


Or female! :D

How do you know may I ask?

Originally posted by Hayley Baxter
How do you know may I ask?

No, you may not ask. :cool:

Ok Andy I know you wont take this personally and all the other blokes too, but in all honesty you did ask for it:p

Men are like... place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like... mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise just look silly.

Men are like... parking spots.
All the good ones are taken.

Men are like... copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like... lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like... high heels.
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... Chinese food.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like... toilets.
They're either engaged, dirty, or full of shit.

Men are like... stray dogs.
They like to run around.

:p :D

Originally posted by Hayley Baxter
Ok Andy I know you wont take this personally and all the other blokes too, but in all honesty you did ask for it:p

Men are like... place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

And why not, they worked hard enough to provide the food!


Men are like... mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Use an Oil based paint

Men are like... bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise just look silly.

Bikes don't have helmets

Men are like... parking spots.
All the good ones are taken.

Stands to reason


Men are like... copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

At about 100 copies per minute I'd say pretty good value too

Men are like... lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

You mean intriguing

Men are like... bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Most mens accounts have been drained by women

Men are like... high heels.
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men liked being walked on by women in high heels ? :eek:

Men are like... Chinese food.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

You're ordering the wrong dish!

Men are like... toilets.
They're either engaged, dirty, or full of shit.

Try the urinals instead


Men are like... stray dogs.
They like to run around.

Nothing to keep them at home

:p :D

See the thread had no interest for a whole week and all it took was some sexist jokes!!

Hayley those jokes were well received by the women that work in my office!! ;)

Think I better continue then...

what do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts ? change....

how do you get a blonde on the roof ? tell her the drinks are on the house....

what do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair a brunette colour? a female with artifical intellegence....

:D

Cramped on an airplane, high above the land a blonde notices a curtain swishing at the front of the cabin. Curious, she goes to investigate. She pulls back the curtain and is amazed by what she sees: spacious aisles, generous seating, meals served on golden plates, washed down with expensive wines.
Spotting an empty seat she passes through the curtains, sits down in comfort, and relaxes.

An airhostess notices the blonde and follows here through. "Miss," she says, "you are not permitted in first class."
The blonde replies: "So what? I'm blonde and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to London."

Undermined, the hostess gets the head hostess who informs the blonde that she will have to leave first class and return to her seat. "No! I'm blonde and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to London," she answers.

Sensing a problem on their hands, the head hostess informs the co-pilot who leaves the cockpit and whispers some words in the blonde's ear. "I'm so sorry," she says, returning to her seat in economy class.

"What did you say to her?" the two hostesses ask.
"Simple," replied the co-pilot, "I just told her that first class wasn't going to London."

Originally posted by ColinEssex
How does an Essex girl switch on a light?

She opens the car door

What is an Essex girl?

Originally posted by mitchem1
What is an Essex girl?

Believe it or not: a girl from Essex.


*The sort of sexually obliging girl who'd kneel down in six inches of piss to oblige.



e.g. What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?

Goes home!

A Typical Male

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy th