1. Did you hear about the polymorphic tractor, it was driving down the road and then turned into a field.

2. Man walks in a barbers, barber says, "how do want your hair", man says "some off the top, some of the sides", barber says "do you want it cutting round the back?", man says "if it's all the same to you, I'll have it cut round the front with everyone else".

I'll set the level... :D :p

Why did the Chinese man dowse himself in curry?
It was a chop-sueyside.


What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?
Surreal


Just didn't want the thread to die on its own - I'll delete these one day, leaving Fornation's "jokes". :rolleyes:

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doctor," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

This is actually one of my favorites - not worst.

A man goes to the doctor's to get the results of some tests done earlier that week (his wife accompanies him). Before they sit down, the doctor asks the husband if he could speak to his wife alone for a moment - the husband agrees and leaves the room.

"Well, what is it?", she frantically asks.
"The diagnosis is not good!" the doctor replies sadly, "he will most likely die in 6 months - unless...".
"Yes?!? What?!? I'll do anything I can!".
"Well", said the doctor "for one, we need to bring his stress and blood pressure down - this would easily be accomplished if he didn't have to worry about any of the house or yard work. Try bringing his meals to him in bed or on the couch. Make sure he's constantly relaxed - periodic massages would help and be sure to make yourself available to him in the bedroom whenever he feels like it. With your help, your husband should recover fully by next year!"

Later on the drive home, the husband asks:
"So, what did the doctor say to you?"

"You're gonna die in 6 months!".

------
I got that in an email a long time ago - I had to rewrite it though because I don't have it anymore (hope I did it justice!)

-Sean

A farmer walks into the Sears store in the middle of a cold January day and tells the man behind the counter, "I need me one of them thar new auto-matic milkin' machines for milkin' cows."

"That's absolutely no problem, sir", said the clerk. "First, I need to know how may cows you milk".

"Well, I got one milk, cow. Yessir, just the one."

"Pardon me, but why would you want to get an auto-matic milking machine for just one cow? Seems like an awful waste of money."

"Wellssir, let me tell you what happened last evening. I went out to the barn to milk that cow, and it was really cold. Well, I got down there and put the bucket in place, and when I grabbed the teats, the cow kicked me with her left leg, and knocked me clean over. Well, I just got me a piece of rope, and tied her left leg to the nearest post, and went back at it. This time she kicked me with her right leg, and knocked me clean over, again. So I got me another piece of rope, and tied her right leg to another post. Wellssir, the ropes was in my way, now, so I had to get behind her and milk her from back there. When I grabbed the teats, she smacked me across the face with her tail, which was covered with frozen mud, and it stung like heck! So I got me another piece of rope, and I tied it to the end of her tail, and slung it up over a rafter beam. Wellssir, when I did that, two things happened. First, my bib overalls came undone at the straps and fell down around my ankles, and second, my wife walked into the barn to see if I needed any help. And that's why I need one of them milkin' machines."

I'll probably regret this, but...

During WWII an American Colonel was hosted by the officers of a British regiment during a mess night. As with most British regiments this one had a storied past and numerous battle flags, weapons, plaques and the like adorned the wall of the mess. The American Colonel's rather pompous host went on with excruciating detail about each and every item. The poor Colonel was fairly well fed up when his host came upon another battle flag.

"And this one might interest you Colonel. We captured this from the American rebels at Breed's Hill which I believe you call the Battle of Bunker Hill. As you can see Colonel, we still have the flag."

To which the American replied, "Yes, but we still have the hill."

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light bulb?

The lowest I've sunk for a post:

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you". Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block". Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?" Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home".

Wayne

Man goes into the Doctors.
Doc says "You've only got 2 weeks to live"
Man says "Can you make it the last 2 weeks in August please?

____________

We had a quiet wedding, Vicar had laryngitis

____________

Man goes into doctor's surgery and, after an examination, the doctor says "I can only give you ten to live..."

"Ten what, Doc? Months? Days"

The doctor replies: "Nine!"

A sofa talking to a chair says - "what shall we do this weekend?"

Chair says - "I'm easy!"

___________________________

Sofa to chair - "shall we go to the football?"

Chair says - "we'll never get seats!"

___________________________

Boom Boom!

Glad we've set the level now.

Two tramps sitting on the wall of mansion in the dead of winter, shivering with cold and the wind biting at their faces. "I'm starving" says the older tramp. I know how we'll get some food and walks off. The younger tramp follows. Into a field they go and the old tramp feels around in the grass and picks up a cowpat and wanders back toward the mansion and knocks on the front door. An elegant, well to do lady opens the door, distressed to see the tramp holding a cowpat forward. "Can I have some salt for this please". The woman says "You can't eat that and drags him into the house". The younger tramp, still freezing to the touch, wanders round to the nearest window and watches as the older tramp feasts with the mansion family. The younger man follows the same routine as the older tramps and duly returns with a frozen cowpat. He knocks on the door and asks "Can I have some salt for this please?". The same lady replies "You can't eat that, go round to the stables and fetch a warm one!" (sorry :) )

Man to Woman: Would you sleep with me for a million pounds?
Woman to Man (after thought): Yes I would.
Man to Woman: Brilliant, now we've established the principle let's talk about the price!

Did you hear about the dyslexic, amnesiac, agnostic who sat up all night wondering if there was a dog.

Here's the "funniest joke in the world"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_depth/sci_tech/2001/glasgow_2001/1527602.stm

Wayne

Two blondes walked into a bar. You'd think the second would've seen it.
=====

2am. The phone rings and Marie answers and listens a moment. She then replies: "How should I know? That's 200 miles away from here! Try the weather service." Then she hangs up.

Her husband asks: "Who was that?"

Marie replies: "Wrong number. It was some woman wanting to know if the coast was clear!"
====

Marie comes home to find her husband in the arms of another woman. She reaches in her purse, removes a gun and puts it to her head.

Her husband pleads with her: "Marie, don't do it! This is not worth taking your life over!"

Marie replies: "Don't you worry, mister. You're next!"
====

Eli Whiteny, the inventor of cotton gin, told his friends: "Hi guys, will you please get your cotton picking hands off my gin?"

A science guy in his lab grabs a fly.

It took the fly's front legs off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly flies and the guy grab it again.

It took the fly's back legs off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly flies and the guy grab it again.

It took the fly's rear legs off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly flies and the guy grab it again.

It took the fly's wings off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly lies in his hand...

The guy takes his book and note:
"Fly's ears are on their wings"
========================
A guy to another.
-I don't know what is wrong, I am seeing large red flashing dots every nights.
-Have you seen a doctor?
-No! Just large red flashing dots.
========================
A blonde shows a 5$ bill to her boyfriend.
-I got this by climbing a tree.
-What?
-A guy told me he would give it to me if I climbed the tree.
-Come on! He did it to get a look at your underwear from underneath your skirt.

Next day...
She shows another 5$ bill to her boyfriend.
-I got this by climbing a tree again.
-I told you! He did it to get a look at your underwear.
-I know! But this time he couldn't have seen it.
-Why?
-I didn't wear any.

Mile's right shouldn't let this thread die so..............

Man walks into the doctor's.

Man:
" Doctor I think I'm a moth"

Doctor:
"You don't need me - you should've gone to a psychiatrist."

Man:
"I know but your light was on"

Here's an oldie

Man goes into Docs and says

"Doc, I think I'm a pair of curtains"

Doc says "Pull yourself together":rolleyes:

___________________________________

If thats the best I can do I reckon I'll go home now.;)

That's even worse than my joke, I bow to the master and please don't give up the day job.

How do you make a drummer play quieter?

Put music in front of him.

How do you make a drummer stop playing?

Ask him to read it.

__________________

Well it keeps my post count ahead of Hayley!:D

Originally posted by BarryMK
That's even worse than my joke, I bow to the master and please don't give up the day job.

Sorry Barry, that is bad I know. Its got to be the worst so far:D

Originally posted by ColinEssex
How do you make a drummer play quieter?

Put music in front of him.

How do you make a drummer stop playing?

Ask him to read it.
I don't play the the drums but I do know that there is music notation ( drum notation? ) for playing the drums.

Listen to Dream Theater's Mike Portnoy for a great drummer.

Chap goes into Docs and says

"Doc, I think I'm a pair of pliers"

Doc says, "Get a grip mate"

________________________

Oh blimey - they're getting worse:rolleyes: don't worry, I'm off home now

Originally posted by Cosmos75

I don't play the the drums but I do know that there is music notation ( drum notation? ) for playing the drums.

Listen to Dream Theater's Mike Portnoy for a great drummer.

I play drums in a rock n roll band, first heard that drummer joke about 100 years ago!!!

Check out Buddy Rich for a great drummer.
Col

There's Robin Hood with an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. They've all been really bad to Robin Hood, so he says to them, "Sorry guys, I'm going to have to shoot you. You've got a choice of one drink before you go and I have 3 arrows each."

The Englishman says, "I'll have a pinta lager please." He's given a pint of lager, knocks it back in one and stands where Robin tells him to. Robin lines up his bow and arrow, and shoots and the Englishman dies.

The Scotsman says "I'll have shot of whiskey please." So he knocks back his whiskey, Robin aims and fires and the Scotsman dies.

The Irishman says, "O'il hava bottla aftershave please." Robin Hood says, "What, aftershave. Are you sure?" "Ah yes, positive", replies the Irishman. Robin can't believe this and says again, "You really want to drink a bottle of aftershave?" "Absolutely shurrr thank you." So Robin finds him a bottle of aftershave, the Irishman swigs it back until it's finished, stands in the appropriate place and Robin Hood aims up his bow and arrow and fires. Whoosh - the arrow goes straight over the Irishman's head. "Wow - that's never happened before" said Robin. He lines up his next arrow and fires. Whoosh, around the Irishman it goes. Totally bemused Robin said to himself, "Golden arrow time", lines up extremely carefully and fires. "Whoosh" it goes round the Irishman the other way. "Well", said Robin, "You've had your 3 arrows. You're free to go ... but can you just tell me your secret." "Ahhh", says the Irishman, "Aramis!!!!." :D

I've played bass for the last %******!!! years. I always thought drummers were people who like to spend time with us musicians?

Yeah, heard that one too Barry:rolleyes: you'd be lost without a drummer:D

Agreed Colin. I guess us rythmn sectioners should stick together :cool: What good's a band without a motor?

One of my faves but it does test the profanity filter a bit. Look away all who may be offended ....

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.
'Where's the p*ssing, mother fu*kin manager, you c*cksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-fu*kin manager of this b*stard place?'
'Yes sir I am,' replies the manager,'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.
'Fu*k off' replies the bloke 'and where's the fu*kin piano?'
'Pardon?' say's the manager.
'Fu*kin deaf as well, are we? You sniveling little piece of sh*t, show me your b*stard piano' 'Ah,' replies the manager,'you've come about the pianists job' and shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'
'Of course I can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
'That's superb. What's it called?'
'I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my d*ck,' replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
'Magnificent.' Cries the manager. 'What's it called?'
'I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer.'
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard,
'And what's this called?' asks the manager.
'As I fu*k you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he does not introduce any of his songs or talks to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid eyes on. She is wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out of the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice. 'Where's that b*stard pianist?' He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear,' Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping semen on your shoes?'
The bloke replies. 'Know it? I fu*kin wrote it.'

Well I can't top that, But this is my favorite "Dirty Joke"

A Man fell in some mud

Should be hidden, spoils the suprise :(

Could you add a "Hidden" colour?

A woman calls the grocer and asks that he deliver 38 qts of milk. He asked; What do you want with so much milk? She tells him; I'm going to take a milk bath. He asks: Do you want it pasteurized? She says no, up to my neck will be fine...

A married couple were in bed one night when there was a knock on the door. The man went downstairs to find a man wanting a push. He said forget it and went to bed. When he went back upstairs his wife asked who was at the door. He told her some guy wanting a push and he went back to bed. His wife said, do you mean you didn't give him a push? After all the help strangers have given you over the years? How could you be so callous? You should be ashamed of yourself. Well he realized if he didn't get up and help the guy that he'd never hear the end of it. He went back downstairs and opened the door. It was pitch black outside and he couldn't see a thing. He called out, hey do you still need a push? A voice from the distance answered yes, yes I do. He asked where are you? I'm over here. Well, where's over here??? I'm on the swing.


grooooaaaaan. My 93 year old aunt has a million of these!!

Ole was on his death bed. He turned to Lena, his wife of many years, and said:

"Lena, when I'm gone I hope you will remarry".

"All right Ole, I will".

"And Lena, it's all right with me if your new husband lives in our house. And I guess it's all right if you and he sleep in our bed. But please, honor this one wish. Don't let any other man use by golf clubs."

"Don't worry Ole, he's left-handed".

RichM

Courtesy of a friend

John had a terrible accident which mangled his private parts, requiring they be removed. His spirit was broken.

His doctor told him: "John, all is not lost. I can make you better than before. It is possible for us to replace your lost member with a prostetic. However, the procedure is considered cosmetic and would not be paid by your insurance.

The hope of regaining his manly prowess lifted John's heart to ask: "How much would it cost?"

His doctor explained: "You can get the 4 inch model for $6,000.00 (John's frown quickly faded); or the 6 incher for $7,500.00 (John began to smile); or you may have the 9 inch version for $10,000.00." (John grinned as his eyes widened with anticipation)

"But normally I insist that the decision be made only after you've consulted with your wife"

John happily agreed, and set off for home.

Upon his next return, the doctor asked for his decision. John hung his head sadly, replying: "She said for that kind of money, she'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Here is another in my top 5.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day. "You know I know everyone there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone and I know them." Tired of his boasting his boss called his bluff. "Alright Dave how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to
Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts "Dave, what's happening? Great to
see you, come on in for a beer."
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he
thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else." Dave says. "President Bush"
his boss quickly retorts. "Yes." Dave says: "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over saying, "Dave, what
a surprise was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to
name anyone else. "The Pope!" his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave, "My folks are from Poland, and I've
known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses
in Vatican Square when Dave says. "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these
people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony
with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour
later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has
had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side,
Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, Who the f*ck is that on the balcony with Dave?"

Originally posted by BarryMK
I've played bass for the last %******!!! years.

I knock about on bass sometimes, not in the band though.

Here's a pic of mine

Col

A Ricky - nice! I play mainly a metallic red Fender P Bass Lyte through Peavey gear. Only pic I can find at work is this white one. Oh dear it's Monday again.

I also have a Fender Jazz. I use an Ampeg 100w amp and a Zoom bass 701 effects box (just to experiment with different sounds)

I have to say that although the Rick was expensive, its the 4003 model, it really does produce a gorgeous sound. (I got it as a present from me to me!)
I sometimes play bass in a little orchestra which is nice. Mostly I play it at home though. (keeps me off the streets:rolleyes: )

Col

About the only effect I use is a Marshall chorus pedal. I recently invested in radio mikes for my stage basses and they are wonderful, I'm on the streets at present - my last blues rock three piece just folded thanks to a bread head lead player, just as the gigs were starting to roll in. Ho hum a musician's life for me..........perhaps I should form a boy band or maybe an old boy band. Are we straying off topic?? perhaps we should start an Access muso thread.

Here's what I play ... beautiful sound. Bought it a couple of years ago after playing a much cheaper model for years. It's not a great picture, but the best I could find.

Yes we are off topic. Its my fault - :rolleyes:

I'll let you start a "What musical instruments do you play?" thread then.

Originally posted by ColinEssex
I also have a Fender Jazz. I use an Ampeg 100w amp and a Zoom bass 701 effects box (just to experiment with different sounds)
Col
Haven't you gone yet!:rolleyes: :p

Pearl of wisdom - when it comes to music gear always buy the best you deserve it.

Originally posted by Rich

Haven't you gone yet!:rolleyes: :p

Saturday Rich. Then its 2 weeks without me:p (unless I log on in an internet cafe somewhere)

Can you get a late booking?:D

Col

Here's another:

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessor, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for £600. The dog's owner went berserk. "£600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"


The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been £50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..........."

Seen this one recently:

What do clouds and women have in common?

After they f*ck off it turns into a beautiful day!

:rolleyes:

Originally posted by Mile-O-Phile
Seen this one recently:

What do clouds and women have in common?

Uh Oh - Prepare for the backlash (well from all those that can highlight anyway);)

One morning while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked
up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you
firmed this up we could get rid of your girdles." This was a bit over the
limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning
the man woke his wife! with a pinch on the breast.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit.She rolled over and grabbed him by
his manhood!
Maintaining a vice grip she whispered in ear,
"You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman,
the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

Subject: Yet more talented people from Liverpool..................


Subject: Ferrari

It has just been announced that the Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire Pit Crew yesterday. The action followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's 'Work For the Dole' Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Liverpool.

The decision was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Scousers were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds, without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high-tech gear.

A bold move by Ferrari management, as most F1 races are won and lost in the pits. However, Ferrari are seen to now have a massive advantage over every other F1 team.

Ferrari got more than they bargained for, however, during the Scouse
Crew's first practice session.
Not only were they able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had also resprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of Special Brew,a gram of Coke and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower.

Two kids were talking about their father's jobs.

First Kid : "My dad is a doctor."
Second kid : "My dad is a lawyer."
First kid : "Honest?"
Second kid : "No, just regular."

Along the lines of Lawyer jokes ...

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just
happened.
It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,
I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said
"I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh"........... So she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.
Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife,
"Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey."
But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'

Kidd #1: My father works as a Plumber
Kidd #2: My father works as a IT Specialist
Kidd #3: My father works as a Doctor
Kidd #4: My father works at MacDonalds !

Regards

Originally posted by namliam
Kidd #1: My father works as a Plumber
Kidd #2: My father works as a IT Specialist
Kidd #3: My father works as a Doctor
Kidd #4: My father works at MacDonalds !

Regards

I don't get it...:confused:

Nor me - (didn't like to admit it first though:rolleyes: )

Originally posted by namliam
Kidd #1: My father works as a Plumber
Kidd #2: My father works as a IT Specialist
Kidd #3: My father works as a Doctor
Kidd #4: My father works at MacDonalds !

Regards
The joke is supposed to be that each kidd is trying to better the other...

So... Working at macdonalds at minimum wage is better than beeing a doctor.... Its one off the worsest dont you think?

Its a commercial in Holland :( not of my own fabrication....

Regards

Originally posted by namliam

Its one off the worsest dont you think?

Lets just say its not the best;)

Which is the worst then, should we have one of them polling things set-up?

namliam's on this page is pretty bad as he had to explain it and its still not funny!

Mile-O's on page 1 and mine on the same page are pretty gross. I didn't have the energy to read any more:rolleyes:

Col

Colin, find the energy to read Fizzio's piano player with Tourette's on page 2. Now one of my all time favorites.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month" he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

To which the husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your out of here".

Being a very conservative parent, I never allowed my children to watch the Lawrence Welk show on TV.

Why?

Too much sax and violins!

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He says that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. Mystified, she asks: "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers: " Well, it's like this: yesterday, when she went by the store I asked her to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, on account of, she says, it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she...."

woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded,
”Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians.You’re crazy going Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”


“Don’t go any further.” I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s hysterical,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need plenty of it.”

A month later the woman visited the hairdresser again. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.


“It was wonderful,” exclaimed the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked in economy so they bumped us up to first class. “The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.Would you believe that they were overbooked too, apologised and gave us the owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the international visitors and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and kissed his hand and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get that shit hairdo?”

It's hard in sales

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

Can't resist this one:

A piece of string wearing a Tux walks in to a bar and asks for a beer. 'Certainly', replies the barman,' but, execuse me, are you a piece of string?'

'Yes', replied the string.

A few minutes later another piece of string wearing an Armani suit walks in to a bar and asks for a beer. 'Certainly', replies the barman,' but, execuse me, are you a piece of string?'

'Yes', replied the string, and goes to sit with the first piece of string.

A few minutes later a piece of desheveld, tatered, worn string walks in to a bar and asks for a beer. 'Certainly', replies the barman,' but, execuse me, are you a piece of string?'

'no, I'm afraid not'

This is one of my favourites... well we can't let this thread die now can we...

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

Realising that there are a few female programmers out there (none in my office - more the pity!)

Thought I'd post a joke dedicated to all the women on the forum...

Classes for men at your local adult learning center

Sign up now!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays.
(A step by step guide, with slide presentation.)

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders?
(Round table discussion.)

Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub?
(Group practice.)

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
(Pictures and explanatory graphics.)

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
(Examples on video.)

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
(Helpline support and support groups.)

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
(Open forum.)

Topic 8 - Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
(Graphics and audio tape.)

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost.
(Real life testimonials.)

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
(Driving simulation.)

Topic 11 - Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
(Online class and role playing.)

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion.
(Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.)

Topic 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
(Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.)

**Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

A man walks into a fishmongers with a haddock under his arm. "Do you sell fish fingers" he asks. "of course we do" says the fishmonger, we wouldn't be proper fishmongers if we didn't". The man grins with glee and says "Oh good it's his birthday"

A man walks into a fishmongers with a haddock under his arm. "Do you sell fish fingers" he asks. "of course we do" says the fishmonger, we wouldn't be proper fishmongers if we didn't". The man grins with glee and says "Oh good it's his birthday"

Fishcakes, not fish fingers. ;)

The CEO of a company was addressing their top salesmen/women at their annual recognition dinner. The CEO said : "Now we are making a sale every 3 minutes."
One guy in the back shouted : "That is not good enough."
The CEO ignored him and continued : "With our new Sales Promotion Program, we will be making a sale every 2 minutes."
The same guy in the back shouted : "That is not good enough."
The CEO was irritated. The CEO said : " Sir, will you please stand up and tell me why that is not good enough?"
One guy stood up and said : "There is a sucker born evry minute."

long time since i been on ere,,,, o well here goes
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Who?
no need to cry its only a joke..................
------------------------------------------------------------------------

doctor doctor i feel like a snooker ball
go to the end of the cue........

------------------------------------------------------------------------

doctor doctor everyone keeps ignoring me
next please.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

man walks into a psychiatrists office wraped in cling film with nothing underneath
psychiatrist says: i can clearly see your nuts
------------------------------------------------------------------------

what do vampires cross the sea in?
blood vessels!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok ok if i think of anymore ill add later.

Dal

apologies, just recovering from a bout of man-flu (10 x normal flu) :)

Q: What's the difference between a women and a freezer.
A: A freezer doesn't fart when you pull your meat out:D

These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews:

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neurone short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

Originally posted by Mile-O-Phile
Fishcakes, not fish fingers. ;)

Well, that made a bit more sense.

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.

Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up...Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics."

Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making aloud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Lisa is blonde.

Just realised exactly how many bad jokes I do have...

Must apologise to the forum!!

:p

Very funny ones Andy. Keep em coming.

Well if you insist... :p

Australian Tourist Board Web-Site

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.

1.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I wanton contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

This one is one of my favourites... :D

Qantas

After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the plane's next flight can review the form before taking off.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses with P = the problem logged by the pilot, S = the solution and action taken by engineers.

Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude -hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Opps!!

:p

Title: Cigar Insurance
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another example of why this country needs a few more good lawyers!

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ..."Get this" ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued... .. AND WON

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

BUT WHAT COMES AROUND...

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... On 24 counts of arson!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars. He was sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!!

I suppose there's justice in there somewhere...This is a true story from the "Legal Times".

Originally posted by andy_dyer
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Surely turning 90 degrees from south would have us facing either east or west. ;)

Surely turning 90 degrees from south would have us facing either east or west.

Hmmm....

Don't look at me that was I how I picked it up!!

And of all the people I have sent that to, you are the only one to see it (including me!!)

Mile, you win a cookie!! ;)

Read the line again. You get the other 90 degrees when you arrive.

Aussies, you gotta love them... but not always understand them!!

:p

Changing the subject b4 the Aussies wake up... :p

Paddy walks into a shop the other day and sees a Tartan patterned Thermos Flask. He turns around to the assistant and asks, "What's that?".

The assistant proceeds to tell him that it's "a Thermos Flask". "What's one of those for?" asks Paddy, to which the shop assistant tells him "well it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Paddy's so impressed he decides to buy one for his work at the local building site.

The next day, on the site, lunchtime arrives and they all down tools to have their sandwiches. With that Paddy takes out his Thermos. Shemus turns around to Paddy and says, "What's that there you got Paddy?".

Paddy explains, "A Thermos......it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold.". Shemus then asks "What have you got in yours?",
to which Paddy replies "Two cups of coffee and a Choc Ice".

Only in America

They lock up the jury and send the criminal home.

The Government dept in charge of everything outdoors is called the 'Dept of the Interior'

A place where food costs 3 times is called 'concession'

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE !

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. It's genetic.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No, NO you really do have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like
camping.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

This one has probably done the rounds especially on a forum like this one...

Top ten reasons why computers are better than boy/girlfriends:

10. You can turn them off when you're done with them.

9. They never say, "You can't login tonight, I have a headache."

8. You can tell them anything, and they will always listen.

7. You can program them to give you the answers you want to hear.

6. They are never too tired.

5. If you come home at 3am, they don't ask where you've been.

4. They don't hog the bed and steal all the covers.

3. They don't eat (unless you count disks).

2. They remember everything you want them to remember, and forget everything you want them to forget.

1. They never complain that you don't take them anywhere.

Top ten reasons why boyfriends/girlfriends are better than computers:

10. You don't need a password to get in.

9. They won't shut down if there's a power outage.

8. It's difficult to take a computer to bed.

7. The Aide Station never gets calls asking for advice on someone's lovelife.

6. A computer won't laugh at your jokes.

5. You might get a few strange looks if you bring a computer to a drive-in movie. (Do they still HAVE those?)

4. When you use bad grammar on a computer, you get all sorts of nasty messages (Note: this could also hold true for boy/girl-friends if one happens to be an English major, but not generally).

3. Computers don't give back-rubs.

2. You can't put your freezing feet on a computer's leg to warm them up.[Well, you could, but: 1) they wouldn't get very warm, and 2) you wouldn't have the pleasure of hearing the computer shriek].

1. You can't have sex with a computer. [Again, I suppose you could, but it might be dangerous...]

Originally posted by andy_dyer
6. A computer won't laugh at your jokes.

With jokes like these no-one on the forum will either... :p

Guess this is the quickest way to get people to ignore my pathetic pleas for help with my databases!! :D

Better stop posting jokes!! ;)

If you swim in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray

Originally posted by FoFa
If you swim in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray
Oh, I love that one! This is a version I saw posted on the door of a social psychologist's office (for obvious reasons):

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie,
that's amore.

When you're swimming with zeal and an eel bites your heel,
that's a moray.

If your culture eat dogs or carves idols from logs,
those are mores.

Originally posted by andy_dyer
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE !

1. Learn to work the toilet ........, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like
camping.

On duplication...

Read the same here... (http://www.access-programmers.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=42068&perpage=15&highlight=toilet&pagenumber=4)

Originally posted by Friday


On duplication...


Is the On thread backOn ?

:D

An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company.

One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims proudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo."

The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Originally posted by andy_dyer
"Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."


Knowledge is Power.

Chap working on the farm cut his finger. He went to the farmer and said I need this looked at. The farmer said, Best thing for that you’ is to go an stick it up a cows arse, brilliant disinfectant that! So off the lad went. Well it wasn’t long before he met the farmer’s daughter and she asked him what he was about, He told her what her father had said. No need to go all the way to the cowshed she said, you might as well stick it up my arse, well after a while she said hey, that’s not my arse, the lad said that’s not my finger!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least twenty times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things little bit more clear.

IN PRISON. . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON . . you get three meals a day.
AT WORK . . . you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON . . you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK . . . you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
AT WORK . you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON. . you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK. . . you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON. . you get your own toilet.
AT WORK. . . you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON. . they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK. . . you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON. . all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK. . . you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON. . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK. . . you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON . . . you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK . . . they are called managers.

So ....... why is it again that we work?

Three women went to hospital maternity room to deliver their babies. Their husbands were waiting outside the maternity room.
A little later, a nurse came and said to Mr. Jones: "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
Jones said : "It makes sense. I work for the Minnesota twins."
Then a nurse came and said to Mr. Brown : "Congratulations! your wife had triplets!". Brown said : " I see the connection. I work for the 3M company."
The third man passed out. Everybody helped him. When he was alright, they asked him why he passed out.
He said : "I work for the 7UP company."

A man sits at the counter of a tavern and says "Give me a beer while I read this menu." The bartender puts a glass of beer on the counter and says "That'l be a penny." "Are you kidding? 1 penny?" "Yep" "Wow" "OK, I'm ready to order. I'll have the large steak, salad, and baked potatoe, and cheese cake." Bartender says "That'l run you into some real money." Customer says "Just fix it; I'm starved."
The food is set on the counter along with the check. The customer idly looks at the check and exclaims "4 cents! Is this a joke?" "I warned you ." says the bartender. Thrilled the customer exclaims "This is incredible. Where's the owner of this place?"
The bartender replies "He's upstairs, in bed with my wife!"

The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors' orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he has been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a very real danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."

"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a nubile young nurse was giving patient a blow job.

"Oh my", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem - but he's with BUPA."

From an email I was sent yesteray:

Bobby Robson has come out and said that "I hope the critics will stop saying that my team has no penetration" and "The players have shown that they can come from behind". He also added, "My players are getting stuck in as a group and are pulling together. I must complement them on their positioning and in probing to find holes to score. All in all they displayed fantastic energy and showed no mercy. I just hope that next time, they can keep a clean sheet."

:rolleyes:

Just stumbled upon this from an old email...

One of my favourites and reduces me to tears of laughter everytime!!!

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The mystery man is revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt,Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt?Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announed the Schitt?Happens wedding. The Schitt?Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them!

Last one for now...

Apologies to the easily offended... :rolleyes:

THE TOP 10 TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN THE WORD F*CK WAS APPROPRIATE

"What the f*ck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the f*ck did all these Indians come from?"
- General Custer

"But, it's so f*cking simple!!"
- Albert Einstein

"It does SO f*cking look like her!"
- Pablo Picasso

"How the f*ck did you work that out?"
- Pythagorus

"You want me to paint the whole f*cking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo

"I suppose a little f*cking rain would be too much to ask?"
- Joan of Arc

"Who the f*ck is going to know? "
- Bill Clinton

"Scattered f*cking showers...my ass."
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a f*cking hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy

<<The Doctor replied, "Same problem - but he's with BUPA.">>

What is BUPA?

Sorry... they are one of the biggest Private Health Care companies in the UK!

I did actually think as soon as I posted that joke that anyone outside of the UK may not have a clue what I was talking about!!

:D

Well this is the only joke I know, apologies if I offend anyone :)



What is the smartest thing to ever have come out of a blonde's mouth?

Einstein's c*ck!

A train is passing through lush green farmland when suddenly, it leaves the tracks and starts running through the fields. After a while, the train returns to the tracks and continues on, to the utter amazement and shock of everyone on board.

At the next stop, all the passengers get out and confront the engineer. He tells them there was a guy standing on the tracks and he would not get off even though the horn was sounded several times. The passengers became really angry and asked the engineer why he was stupid enough to risk the lives of so many passengers to save one idiot's life.

The engineer immediately started defending himself. He said, "I am not that stupid! Once I realized he was not going to get off the tracks, I had decided that I had no choice but to run him over." The passengers were quite taken aback. "So you made the right decision. Then, how come the train left the tracks?" The engineer replied in all seriousness, "but at the last minute, the idiot leapt off the tracks and started running through the fields!"

A realtor was showing a house to a prospective buyer. The realtor said the house location is great.
On the north side, there is a fish market.
On the south side, there is the city dump.
On the east side, there is a chemical plant.
On the west side, there is a waste treatment plant.

The buyer was not pleased. The buyer asked,"What is good about the location?"
The realtor said, "You always know which way the wind is blowing."

A businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt
off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his
round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself
home and back to work and everything would be fine.
He went to the front of the casino where a cab was waiting. He got in and
explained his situation to the cabbie, promising to send the driver money
from home. He even offered the cabbie his credit card numbers, his drivers
license number, his address, etc.-all to no avail.
"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" the cabbie
yelled. So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was
barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later, the businessman returned to Las Vegas and this time he
won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of
the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Then he recalled the
cabbie who wouldn't help him a year before.
Looking at the line of cabs at the hotel, he spotted the same cabbie at
the end of the line. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and smiled broadly when it
came to him.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, and asked, "How much for a
ride to the airport?"
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me on the way?" asked the businessman.
"What?! Get Out out of my cab, you scum," said the cabbie.
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the line of taxis and
asked the same questions, with the same result-getting kicked out of each
taxi.
When he got to cabbie who had refused to help him a year ago, he got in
and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
"Fifteen bucks," the cabbie replied.
The businessman said, "O.K," and off they went. And, as they drove slowly
past the long line of cabs at the hotel entrance, the businessman gave a big
smile and thumbs up sign to each cab driver.

Last night I dreamt I had written 'Lord Of The Rings'. This morning I realised I'd just been Tolkein in my sleep.

:p

Running out of the long jokes, so now you get the short ones!!

I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?....

As soon as the currency changeover is complete the phrase "spending a penny" will be replaced by "Euronating"....

After the first design failed what did the man who invented the drawing board go back to ?....

what do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?? sistermatic....

wife looking at herself naked in front of mirror says i look big fat and ugly says to husband pay me a nice complment he says your eyesight is very good.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the screen. It said,'Parking Fine.'So that was nice."

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid,the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Why are hurricaines always named after women? Because when they arrive they're warm & torrid but when they leave they take your house & car!....

Why did the mexican throw his wife off the cliff.......
Tequela (think about it)

That'll keep you going!!

:D

A man(the same man in the previous jokes, what an unlucky b*****d), phone his doctors emergency line. The doctor answers, the man says "Doctor, you've got to visit me immediately, I think I've punctured my colostomy bag". The doctor, concerned by the man's predicament says "Where are you ringing from?"

"The waist down" the man replies.

Two guys are moving about in a huge supermarket when their carts collide.

One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was actually looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, the other guy responded, "I'm looking for my wife as >well, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well," said the first guy, "Maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with long red hair, long firm legs, huge tits and a very nice tight ass. What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind," said the other guy enthusiastically, "Let's look for yours!"

Picked up by the Police , these are some of the comments made by the drivers


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.


2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.


3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?


4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!


5. Are you Andy or Barney?


6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.


7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?


8. I pay your salary!


9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!


10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.


11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.


12. When the Officer says "Gee, Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee, Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

IMO

What do you get if you don't pay your exorcist promptly?
Repossessed

Hardy Har har

Nice one FoFa - I like that:D

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?

She was a dream!


There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of
her underwear.

It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car;)

This is a joke from our DOS days.

Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with a vampire?

A: Autoexec.bat

=====================
Doctor told this man he only has 6 weeks to live.

He told his friend that he is going to live with his mother-in-law.
The friend said : "I thought you did not like her that much !!"
The man said : "That is true, so it is going to be the longest 6 weeks of my life."

Another football scandal!...

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found lying dead in the house of a famous French Footballer.

Police confirm they are treating the case as "murder on Zidane's floor".


:rolleyes:

oK oK!!

It has been a week since the last joke... things r slowing down!!

Guess it's up to me to keep this thread alive!! :p

A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks should he cut it into six or twelve pieces. "six please" she replies "i could never eat twelve"....

Why do blondes take the pill ? so they know what day of the week it is....

A blonde was driving down a motorway when her boyfriend calls and says "Dear be carefull, I just heard on the news that there is a maniac on the road driving the wrong way" to which the blonde replys "There not just one maniac, there's hundreds of them!"

Why did the blonde tiptoe past the chemist ? because she didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills....

How does an Essex girl switch on a light?

She opens the car door

Uh oh...

Opened the door now for all the blonde and sexist jokes.....

Better hope that Hayley or any other female doesn't check this thread now...

:eek:

Originally posted by andy_dyer
Uh oh...

Opened the door now for all the blonde and sexist jokes.....

Better hope that Hayley or any other female doesn't check this thread now...

:eek:

Guess I'm ok then as I'm not blonde;)

Originally posted by Hayley Baxter
Guess I'm ok then as I'm not blonde;)

Or female! :D

Originally posted by Mile-O-Phile


Or female! :D

How do you know may I ask?

Originally posted by Hayley Baxter
How do you know may I ask?

No, you may not ask. :cool:

Ok Andy I know you wont take this personally and all the other blokes too, but in all honesty you did ask for it:p

Men are like... place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like... mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise just look silly.

Men are like... parking spots.
All the good ones are taken.

Men are like... copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like... lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like... high heels.
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... Chinese food.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like... toilets.
They're either engaged, dirty, or full of shit.

Men are like... stray dogs.
They like to run around.

:p :D

Originally posted by Hayley Baxter
Ok Andy I know you wont take this personally and all the other blokes too, but in all honesty you did ask for it:p

Men are like... place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

And why not, they worked hard enough to provide the food!


Men are like... mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Use an Oil based paint

Men are like... bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise just look silly.

Bikes don't have helmets

Men are like... parking spots.
All the good ones are taken.

Stands to reason


Men are like... copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

At about 100 copies per minute I'd say pretty good value too

Men are like... lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

You mean intriguing

Men are like... bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Most mens accounts have been drained by women

Men are like... high heels.
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men liked being walked on by women in high heels ? :eek:

Men are like... Chinese food.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

You're ordering the wrong dish!

Men are like... toilets.
They're either engaged, dirty, or full of shit.

Try the urinals instead


Men are like... stray dogs.
They like to run around.

Nothing to keep them at home

:p :D

See the thread had no interest for a whole week and all it took was some sexist jokes!!

Hayley those jokes were well received by the women that work in my office!! ;)

Think I better continue then...

what do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts ? change....

how do you get a blonde on the roof ? tell her the drinks are on the house....

what do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair a brunette colour? a female with artifical intellegence....

:D

Cramped on an airplane, high above the land a blonde notices a curtain swishing at the front of the cabin. Curious, she goes to investigate. She pulls back the curtain and is amazed by what she sees: spacious aisles, generous seating, meals served on golden plates, washed down with expensive wines.
Spotting an empty seat she passes through the curtains, sits down in comfort, and relaxes.

An airhostess notices the blonde and follows here through. "Miss," she says, "you are not permitted in first class."
The blonde replies: "So what? I'm blonde and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to London."

Undermined, the hostess gets the head hostess who informs the blonde that she will have to leave first class and return to her seat. "No! I'm blonde and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to London," she answers.

Sensing a problem on their hands, the head hostess informs the co-pilot who leaves the cockpit and whispers some words in the blonde's ear. "I'm so sorry," she says, returning to her seat in economy class.

"What did you say to her?" the two hostesses ask.
"Simple," replied the co-pilot, "I just told her that first class wasn't going to London."

Originally posted by ColinEssex
How does an Essex girl switch on a light?

She opens the car door

What is an Essex girl?

Originally posted by mitchem1
What is an Essex girl?

Believe it or not: a girl from Essex.


*The sort of sexually obliging girl who'd kneel down in six inches of piss to oblige.



e.g. What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?

Goes home!

A Typical Male

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had
ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the
plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their
feet screaming "Run, run!" This happened two more times, with a single
and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into
the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire
called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The
Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye
rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing so the
Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next
to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and
explained, "He can't run because he got four balls." The Scotsman
immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man! Walk with
pride!

A man in the uniform of a Scottish regiment walks into the local apothecary/drugstore. He walks up to the pharmacist and holds up the most disreputable looking condom ever seen. It has tire patches, duct tape, and several stitches in it.

The soldier asks the pharmacist, "How much to repair?" The pharmacist replies, "Twenty pence."

The soldier asks the pharmacist, "How much to replace?" The pharmacist replies, "Twenty-five pence."

The soldier walks out without a word. Fifteen minutes later he returns and confronts the pharmacist, saying "The regiment has voted to replace."

Now this is a story from South Louisiana, USA, which is my home. It is about the Cajun people, who are inherently storytellers supreme.

Boudreaux (Boo-drow) is sitting on a short pier, obviously sad. His friend Alcide (al-seed) sees him and says, "Boudreaux, what's wrong?"

Boudreaux says, "Life is just not fair. People forget the good t'ings you do and remember the bad t'ings."

Alcide said, "So wha's the problem today?"

Boudreaux says, "You see dem piers up and down the bayou here? I done built most o' dem. But do dey call me Boudreaux the pier builder? No."

After a minute, he continues. "You see dem boat houses all along dis bayou? I done built about two-t'irds of dem, too. But do dey call me Boudreaux the boat-house builder? No."

After another moment of silence, he says, "And you see dem pirogues (pee-rogue) up and down dis bayou? I done built way more dan half o' dem. But do dey call me Boudreaux the pirogue maker? No."

Alcide says, "Well Boudreaux, I know what you built and what you done up and down dis bayou, but I STILL don' know what you so sad about."

Boudreaux says, "Well, I done all dem t'ings and everyone forget about dem. But you let me get drunk ONE night and f*ck ONE goat..."

a husband and wife are in the bedroom.
The wife is in a state of undress, looks in the mirror and says i'm so fat and ugly, just look at me.

husband remains silent, and the wife indignant says,
well you could at least say something nice about me.

Husband replies,

well there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


cause it was dead

They say all sheep are alike - actually they have mutton in common.

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly
trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.
He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries
everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now
and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.

The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the
back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this
time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies
with sarcasm " Scouse eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He
opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks
what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched
and the f*ckers have managed to nick a motorbike already.

why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?




Because it was stapled to the first

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . . . whether you're here or not."

Dr. Watson got tired of being put down by Sherlock Holmes every day.
One day Dr. Watson decided to impress Holmes with his Medical Eduaction.
Dr. Watson asked Mr. Holmes : "Do you know what school I attended?"

Sherlock Holmes replied : " That's elementary Watson, that's elementary!"

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

It though it was a game.

The Internal Revenue Service (Income tax tax dept in US) was auditing Sherlock Holmes' tax return.

IRS man told Mr. Holmes, "Amazing deductions, Mr. Holmes! Can we see some detail backup data?"

Sexist Joke season?

Woman are like carpets

Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of their lives

Tig

PS. My girlfriend said I could tell that joke

Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of their lives.

PS. My girlfriend said I could tell that joke


Looks like ya did a good job :D

Mind you don't trip over when the edges start to fray though :rolleyes:

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.

See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only
say it to D, but I said it to G.

See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,Mommy," she
yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered,all the other girls had
flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair
of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, it's because you're 25."

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Francisco Pizarro?
There can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping in the forest.
They’d gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke
and shook his companion.
“Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions of stars,” Watson answered.
“And what does that tell you?”
“It tells me that there are countless galaxies and billions of planets.
I see God is all-powerful and I am happy to be a creation of God.
And you Holmes?”
Holmes paused. “What I see, Watson, is that someone has stolen
our tent!”

Why did the Buddhist refuse novocaine during his root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Two pieces of tarmac were sat in the pub having a pint when in walked a red piece of tarmac and went to the bar .

I'd keep away from him said one piece of tarmac to the other , he's a cyclepath.

Got this lot in an email today

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with ***dreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

Hayley,

I got sent that same batch of jokes in one email a few months back but deleted it b4 I remembered to post it on the forum...

Guess it has done the rounds now, and am glad that you had the good sense to post it!!

:D

I get tons of "joke emails" some people just play all day while I have to work:mad: There was actually more on the email, you may have noticed that I left a few out. I'll remember to posts all of them from now on shall I?

Equal Opportunity
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

Nerd Season

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"

A shipwrecked man gets washed up on a remote island. He
looks around and every thing is dark red, the trees, the beach, the sea, everything. he screams out "I've been marooned"

Originally posted by Hayley Baxter
I'll remember to posts all of them from now on shall I?

Yes Please!!!

:D

HALLOWEEN HORROR

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse on the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

The same man gets 'marooned' on a desert island with a rottweiler and a sheep. After many months of resisting his manly needs he starts looking at the sheep with a new found amorous desire. One day, he approaches the sheep and gets within ten feet, when the rottweiler starts growling at him angrily. After several attempts to get at the guarded sheep, he gives up and feels that his needs will never be satisfied.

As he is lying on the beach day-dreaming about fulfilling his desires he spots a box floating in the ocean somewhere on the horizon. He swims out to the box and drags it ashore and manages to open it. Inside he finds the most beautiful woman in the world but she has stopped breathing so he proceeds to give her mouth to mouth. After a few minutes of this she is revived and is eternally grateful for his efforts. "I'm so pleased you saved me, you look like you been here a while", she says noticing his unkempt state,"because you've been so good to me, is there anything at all I can do for you, just name it and I will do it, you did save my life after all".

"Well there is one thing, could you take that bloody dog for a walk!"

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie was. His mom had been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and his roommate, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, Brian's mom became more convinced that there was something Between Brian and Stephanie. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know
what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother Came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful Silver gravy
ladle.You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian."

Several days later, Brian received an e-mail from his mother that read: "Dear son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom"

Stuck On An Island
A rather inhibited programmer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean.

It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.

Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy.

Somehow the programmer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else.

He lost all hope and for hours on end and sat under the same palm tree.

One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I'm an Engineer. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man, amazed.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island.

I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools.

But, enough of that," she said.
"Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.

The programmer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice.

They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home", she said.

"Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied.

"I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean-shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp.

Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs.

He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada.

After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "We've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship.

You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...

Isn't there something that you really, really miss?

Something that all men and woman need?

Something that would be really nice to have right now...?"

"Yes there is," the man replied, shucking off his shyness.

"There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, anymore," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL?!!?!"

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because his #*&% was stuck in the chicken!

An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation ensued:
Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead...

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

Q. What has 12 heads but no brain?

A. A Texas jury

http://www.courttv.com/trials/durst/verdict_ctv.html

(No offense to the lone-star state members!)

Q: Whats black and white and red all over

Normal A: A newspaper

Sad A: A zebra/panda/penguin with nappt rash (blurg):(

Originally posted by nobody nowhere

Sad A: A zebra/panda/penguin with nappt rash (blurg):(
What's a nappt rash? :confused:

you obviously have NO imagination!!!!!!!!!!




(nappy rash)

Originally posted by nobody nowhere
you obviously have NO imagination!!!!!!!!!!

Yes I do, now see if you can imagine what I'm imagining now. :rolleyes:

sucking football socks???


and how am i supposed to know what goes on in your freeky little mind

Q: Who is the creator of Caesar salad?

A: Brutus (he chopped Caesar into a salad)

who what why where???

Originally posted by nobody nowhere
who what why where???
only in the realms of your fantasy world, Lushy.:rolleyes:

but i see you there, your the one in heels and a pink dress

Originally posted by nobody nowhere
who what why where???

But for you, the question is when?

Originally posted by nobody nowhere
but i see you there, your the one in heels and a pink dress
Dream on Lushy, you'll have to go down to the corner of your street to satisfy your fantasy.:rolleyes:

i own a street???


REELY!!!

One for our American friends:

While walking down the street one day, George Bush is shot and killed by a
disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter."Before you settle in, it seems there is
a problem: We seldom know what to do with a Republican in these parts, and
this goes double for you."

"No problem - just let me in. I'm a believer," says Gee Dubya.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He
says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven, then you can
choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that Peter escorts George to an
elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open
and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course, the sun is shining
in a cloudless sky, and the temperature is a perfect 72 degrees. In the
distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it is his dad, and
thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years... Karl
Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell.... the whole of the "Right" was there...
everyone laughing... happy...
casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and
reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the
"suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on
lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita
and relax, George!"

"Uh no, I can't drink no more, I took the pledge," says Junior dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it
just gets better from there!"

Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a
really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty
pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.

They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to
go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Georgie steps on the elevator
and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is
waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening
the gate.

So for 24 hours George Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other
than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat-boy
joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great,
it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see
anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special.

Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie
with his endless "peace" and "do unto others" jive.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me
for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in
Hell and a day in Heaven. Now you must choose where you want to live for
eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects
for a minute, then answers:"Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -
I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all, but I really think I belong in
Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all
the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched
earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like
Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and
chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They
are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil come over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we drank and ate caviar... I
drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were
campaigning; today you voted for us."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly

gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each

possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He

flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He

shook them and said, "They're bells" .

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and

finally

pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just

what

do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly

gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each

possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" .

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

saintsman- how many long BORING jokes do you know???

Is it your goal to be the last poster on every thread?

i would be 2 if certain people would STOP POSTING im talking to you richie!

Originally posted by nobody nowhere
i would be 2 if certain people would STOP POSTING im talking to you richie!

STOP THIS PASTICHE

Originally posted by nobody nowhere
i would be 2 if certain people would STOP POSTING im talking to you richie!
What's an im, Lushy ? :rolleyes:

moi you... um .... poster

Originally posted by nobody nowhere
moi you... um .... poster
What's a moi, some sort of dead fish? :rolleyes:

Originally posted by Rich

What's a moi, some sort of dead fish? :rolleyes:

me in french

Originally posted by nobody nowhere


me in french
You in any language Lushy is absurd:rolleyes:

Adam and Eve lived appley ever after.

Originally posted by Rich

You in any language Lushy is absurd:rolleyes:

i dont know what lushy is in french or german or portugeuse so neer

Originally posted by nobody nowhere


i dont know what lushy is in french or german or portugeuse so neer
You're a Prat in any language Lushy :rolleyes:

David Beckham at a management seminar says, "I like them because they make my breath fresh."

Stunned silence untill someone shouts "TACTICS you thick £$&*"

in votre rever!!!:cool:

In Dulce Jubilo

Snow White, Arnold Schwazennegger and Quasimodo are having a conversation. Snow White says "Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful,woman that any man has ever seen , but how do I know?" Arnie says "I know what you mean. Everybody tells me I am the most muscular man that has ever lived, but how do I know?" Quasimodo says "Yes. Everybody tells me I am the most disgusting, despicable, grotesque creature that has ever roamed the earth, but how do I know?" Snow White says "Let's go and see the wise man!". Snow White goes in first and five minutes later she comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most beautiful,woman that any man has ever seen ." Arnie goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most muscular man that has ever lived." Quasimodo goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "Who's this Martin Keown (Arsenal Defender) character then?"

This ones for Nobody.

Just heard Princes Charles doesn't use bookmarks.

Just bends the pages over.



Short enough for you?

A young blonde woman decided to earn some extra money by doing odd jobs around the neighborhood. She went to one house, a man answered the door, and she asked if he had any jobs for her. "Sure," he said, "how would you like to paint my porch for $25?" "Great, I'd be happy to do that," she said. "Okay, the paint cans and brushes are in the garage." Then he went back in his house and laughed to his wife, "What a dope. She has no idea that the porch wraps around the whole house. She will be out there painting all day. All for a lousy 25 bucks!!" One hour later she appears at the front door. "All done," she said. "May I have my money now?" The man stood there stunned and incredulous. "And by the way," the woman added, "that's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

Points 16, 17 & 18 are so true!!!

You know you're living in 2003 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.


AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE.....

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9

18. AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOUR OWN STUPIDNESS..

1st Christmas Joke of the Season

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were
met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honor of this most holy season," Saint Peter said,
"you must each produce something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets
and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out
a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You too, may pass through the Pearly
Gates."

The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's
panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised
eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "They're Carols?"

Originally posted by saintsman
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly

gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each

possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" .

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

Hmm, thought this one was familiar... :rolleyes:

What Carol's familar? Thought you didn't remember their names:confused:

It's cos Sainstman posted it recently - hence the originally posted bit.
Remember whose names?

oops sorry. The thread's getting a bit long winded now and I didn't see the original:o

Anyone got any idea what the record is for any thread for posts and viewings??

Must be getting close with this thread now....

:D

You'll need to beat this (http://www.access-programmers.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=46451&highlight=getting+switched+on) monster thread by Mile. Reckon that's the longest so far.

At the time of writing:

This thread: Posts - 217, Views - 4555

My thread: Posts - 2160, Views - 11979


Quite a bit to go, methinks. ;)

We just have to hope and pray that someone who shall remain nameless doesn't find this thread, as they appear to have done yours Mile!!

All I can say is:

I'm not sure whether it is the "lush" green grass that is eaten by the grazing cow or what is left from the other end that reminds me most about what this individual has to say in far too many threads...

I think we all know... :rolleyes:

Anyway... Back to the Jokes!!!

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the Juggler....

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
With Jammin', with Jammin', with Jammin'

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "how the hell do you drive this thing?"

what's pink and handy?
A hand

Whats black and white and eats like an horse?
A Zebra

The toilet was nicked from the local Police Station
They now have nothing to go on!

No offense but if you visualize, you'll be on the floor just as I was when I heard this...

"There's this blonde girl (BG). She's crying, very upset and calls her boyfriend (BF):

BG: <upset making frustrated and stressed out weeping sounds> "Honey, can you come over right now and help me?"

BF: "What wrong? You really sound upset. What is it?"

BG: "Well, I went to the store and bought this puzzle and I've been working on it all day. I've got all the pieces out on the table and even on the floor and I can't even get one piece to fit! Can you please come over and help me with this?"

BF: <relieved that's it's not something critical> "Ohh, okay sweetheart. Whew! I thought it was a big deal or something was really wrong...okay, I'll be right over. Tell you what, why don't you make us some of your famous coffee and we'll sit together and get this thing put together for your wall. What is the puzzle of anyway?"

BG: "Thanks baby. It's a Tiger, anyway, see you soon!"

<Boyfriend arrives at Blonde girl's place>...

<Boyfriend enters room where the puzzle is and blonde girl shows him her puzzle>...

BG: <she runs over to the table> "See honey, not one piece will fit."

BF: <looks up into the air and sighs> "...okay sweety. Tell you what. Let's have some coffee first and then I'll help you put all the Frosted Flakes back into the box"...

...I know, but it is funny!?#?$?$?!

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked backin our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable.

For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a Poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

David Beckham at a management seminar says, "I like them because they make my breath fresh."

Stunned silence until someone shouts "TACTICS you thick £$&*"

:D

Originally posted by andy_dyer
David Beckham at a management seminar says, "I like them because they make my breath fresh."

Stunned silence until someone shouts "TACTICS you thick £$&*"

:D
Somebody else posted this one earlier

We are now on the 15th page!!

I'm not going to trawl back just to check!! :p

It's funny enough to be posted twice tho!!

:D

A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a
gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.

A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually
examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a
white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same
examination.

When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, "These examinations
are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?"

He shrugs and says, "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here
to paint the halls."

Hi indesisiv!!

Haven't seen too many people from Yorkshire around here!!

Where abouts r u in Yorkshire??

I'm living in Doncaster!!

A few miles outside of Hull!!
It's a great place honest lol

You better be aware of Mile-O-Phile....

Originally posted by Mile-O-Phile


You've lost the translation. It's actually: "When in Hull start running."

http://www.access-programmers.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=57838&perpage=15&pagenumber=2


:p

HeHe it's one of the reasons i never go into Hull unless I can really help it.
I live outside of Hull in a different county "i think".

Well now that I've met a fellow forum member from yorkshire, back to the Jokes!!

I met a Dutch girl the other day with inflatable shoes, but when I rang to ask for a date, I heard she had popped her clogs!....

:eek:

Q. What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp-post in Wales?

A. A leisure center

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

A "Don't remind me again" button
Minimize button
Shutdown feature
An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
A Remote control for the these features would be a nice upgrade.
I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

******** Related Experiences *********

Last year a friend upgraded GirlFriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that it soon began spawning child-processes that are consuming valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself in such a way that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. My friend is finding that some applications such as Poker-Night 10.3 and BeerBash 2.5 are no longer able to run, crashing the system whenever selected (even though they always worked fine before).

As a result, I decided to avoid all the problems associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 4.0. Even here, however, I found many headaches. For example, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 4.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Even worse, all versions of GirlFriend constantly pop up little annoying messages -- about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Captains Red Shirt

Centuries ago when the Seas were ruled by pirates, there was a certain captain. One day this captain was relaxing when the lookout burst into his quarters. "Captain, pirate ship off the port bow!"

The captain then called for his first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The red shirt was brought to him, they went into battle and won.

The next day the lookout again burst into the room and said, "Captain, two pirate ships closing fast!" Once again the captain called for the first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The first mate brought him his red shirt and once again they won the battle.

During the celebration the first-mate asked, "Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we go into battle?"

"The answer is simple. That way, if I'm injured, the crew won't know and they won't lose hope."

Just then the lookout burst through the door, "Captain, ten ships closing fast!"

"First mate, bring me my brown pants!"

This one for Hayley and any other female out there!!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate


Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. Also, running Nagging 5.3 too often can sometimes cause Husband 1.0 to secretly install Mistress 1.0, which would then require you to run Private Investigator 7.5 utility and possibly even Attorney 9.0, which could lead to a system wide failure and the need to reboot Husband 1.0!

Everybody clear on this now? --Tech support

Originally posted by andy_dyer
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0...bla bla bla...

Andy, you have really got to get stuck into the archive...this one was covered way back when...at Upgrading to Wife 1.0 (http://www.access-programmers.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=44456) by Vassago.

Others of note (excluding the .gif slanging match between Rich and Vassago):

A True Story (http://www.access-programmers.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=44349)

A Funny Story (http://www.access-programmers.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=41742)

Beer = 0 (http://www.access-programmers.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=41473)

What's your stress reliever? (http://www.access-programmers.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=43021)

..here's a rugby joke just in time for saturday's crunch match (apologies if someone has already posted this - don't have time to look through 16-odd pages of postings!!

"The England rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Clive Woodward immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the TRY line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the England team was unlikely to encounter the substance again"


I must admit i will be supporting the ingerlish even though i'm reffered to down here as a 'sweaty'. reason being is that i've got a spread bet open on them to win!!

How to impress a woman:
compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to impress a man:
Show up naked. Bring beer.

Q: What is the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scot ?






A: Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud". A Scot says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe".

Originally posted by KKilfoil
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
stroke her,
tease her

And then:

spend money on her,

If a guy's spending money he EXPECTS vice versa and more. :rolleyes:

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would like to portray, as long as they were very famous. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano." said Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him." Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" So Arnold said, "I'll be Bach."

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

ive gotta funny one if you imagine it. there are two blondes in a open top car they're driving along when they stop for coffee and they get out and lock the car and when they get back they realise they've left the keys in the car so they pick the lock!! get it??:p

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment...and they hired him!

NAME:
Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you.

The Management
Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code Number Explanation
---------- -----------
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Bitching About Lousy Job
5601 Bitching About Low Pay
5602 Bitching About Long Hours
5603 Bitching About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Bitching About Boss
5605 Bitching About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls in Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Gal
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use

that is funny!!!! i liked the job application:D

A pastor of a church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she"; and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men.

Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 5 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1) They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless.
2) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time, they ARE the problem.
3) As soon as you commit to one, you realize if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5) A big power surge will knock them out for the rest of the night.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1) No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4) Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Christmas Angel



One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready

for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the

toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the

pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he

found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the

fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards

cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot

of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves

had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he

accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little

pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found

that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He

opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas

tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a

lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?

Where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the tradition of having an angel on top of the Christmas

tree.

another rugby related one....

An Australian family of rugby supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England rugby shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for Christmas".

His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother". Off goes the little lad with the white rugby shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father".

Off he goes with the rugby shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you Aussie W*nk*rs"