What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

Aaadd

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age
Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide
my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the
house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke
is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor. So, I set the remote back down on the t able, get some towels
and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do.

At the end of the day:

----the car isn't washed,

----the bills aren't paid,

----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

----the flowers don't have enough water,

----there is still only 1 check in my check book,

----I can't find the remote,

----I can't find my glasses,

----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Send this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
PS I just remembered, I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING

The holidays…..Thanksgiving and Christmas…..are definitely my favorite time of year. They sort’a make me feel like a kid again, I reckon. I like the food, the lights and decorations, and especially I like the visitin’. One of the funny things about the holidays is that, with certain friends and relatives, you only see’em once a year…..and that’s during the holidays. Now, with some of’em that’s good…..but with some of’em it ain’t so good.

Now, you take my nephew for instance. He took a job a few years back with this big oil company and they moved him off all the way down to South America. Me and Ma Crabapple ain’t seen’im since. But he still thinks of us and we hear from him right often……..especially during the holidays. He always sends us a nice Christmas present and it just tickles us to death to get it.

This past Christmas, he sent us a real unusual present. It was a live bird! Yes sir. A real live bird…..all the way from South America. Now, it was a real nice lookin’ bird too. A big green bird…..about a foot tall, with a hooked beak and a red and yellow top-knot on his head. I’ll tell you somethin’……that bird was delicious. We had ’im for Christmas dinner…….with dressin’ and sweet potaters and cranberry sauce. Yes sir. We really enjoyed that bird.

Well……my nephew called about two weeks after Christmas and wanted to know if’n we had a good one and I told him we did. He wanted to know if’n we got the bird and I said, “We got’im all right”. He asked me how we liked’im, and I said, “He was dilicious!” Well, my nephew got mad as a hornet in a hailstorm. Yes sir. I mean he got fight’n mad. He said, “I can’t believe you ate that bird. I didn’t intend for you to eat the gol-dern thing. Why, that bird was worth a fortune. I spent a fortune on that bird! That thing could speak three different languages!”

I said, “Well……..He should’a said somethin’!”

I man walks into a bar. He needs 15 stitches!

*hilarity ensues*

old bull and young bull at the top of the hill
young bull see's a few young cow's at the bottom of the hill
young bull says to the old bull
come on! Lets run down and shag one of them cows!
old bull says to young bull
No! lets walk down and shag em all!!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age
Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide
my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the
house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke
is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor. So, I set the remote back down on the t able, get some towels
and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do.

At the end of the day:

----the car isn't washed,

----the bills aren't paid,

----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

----the flowers don't have enough water,

----there is still only 1 check in my check book,

----I can't find the remote,

----I can't find my glasses,

----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour, will you? Send this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

PS I just remembered, I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING

Programming

saw on a web site :

Programming is 1% coding, 50% error checking and 49% sweating as your application bombs out in front of the client.

Touring South America

Touring South America
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"

Cop wants an excuse

Cop wants an excuse
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

What does it take to be a successful politician? A vast fortune helps.
"People with high ideals don't necessarily make good politicians," Japanese politician Michio Watanabe said. "If clean politics is so important, we should leave the job ro scientists and the clergy."

Just found this on Comcast

latulence Forces Plane to Land
By Associated Press
5 hours ago

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.

The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened.

The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Lowrance said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said.

"It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well," she said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up."

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

Ann Landers the advice columnist, said women complain about sex much more than men. Their grips fall into two major categories:
1 - Not enough
2 - Too much

How do you pull a fat bird?

Piece of cake!

(Sorry if this is a bit rude). Why don't boxers have sex before a fight?

Because they don't like each other.

An Irishman walks into a library, and asks

"can i have 1 fish and chips please?"

The librarian Says

erm this is a library!

the irishman whispers

Oh sorry can i have 1 fish and chips please!

New Year Nerd Resolutions

New Year Nerd Resolutions
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T
BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

Secret of old age

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

two birds are sitting on a perch and one says to the other
i smell fish

oh, please someone... tell a joke. I need a laugh.

Why do ducks have flat feet?

This is really bad, be forwarned...



Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out burning ducks...



Incredibly bad, I know. But i've always enjoyed this thread and could not ignore the cry for humor...(and yes, I have actually read the entire thread....)

qailoh said:

This is really bad, be forwarned...

Incredibly bad, I know. But i've always enjoyed this thread and could not ignore the cry for humor...(and yes, I have actually read the entire thread....)

Click to expand...

Thank you, thank you, thank you, qailoh!
I didn't laugh at the first part, but got quite a chuckle out of the second.