What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[Minty]

Two birds are sat on a perch.

One says "Can you smell Fish?"

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[The_Doc_Man]

{sigh} Looks all too familiar.

 

[NauticalGent]

View attachment 92434

Dude...you got issues.

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Good job it wasn't a picture of a one legged woman.

 

[Isaac]

I guess I broke Fauci's rules, b/c we actually took a number of trips (small ones) during the whole COVID times. Portland area to see my brother, Tulsa OK to preview daughter's new college, Wisconsin to see my parents (twice), Mexico to see my wife's parents (just her - twice) and at least one other weekend getaway, CA somewhere I think, that I can't remember details on. But we were stymied on any major vacations we might have otherwise taken. Oh - Yellowstone for 3 days, too....I was like well gee, I'm safer from COVID inside Yellowstone than I am my urban dwelling area, anyway.

 

[kevlray]

Yellowstone, bears, COVID. Why do I think there would be a Far Side cartoon that fits?

 

[NauticalGent]

Maybe someone should contact Gary Larson....?

 

[conception_native_0123]

Two birds are sat on a perch.

One says "Can you smell Fish?"

2 men walked into a bar. the 3rd one ducked.

 

[NauticalGent]

Why don’t oysters donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

 

[conception_native_0123]

i'm not surprised the football joke was deleted. let us not try that one again...

 

[AccessBlaster]

What do a lawyer a politician and a sperm cell have in common?

They all have a 1 in a million chance of becoming a human

 

[Steve R.]

Why don’t oysters donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

Which reminds me of Dana Perino's corny jokes. A sample below.

Dana tells corny jokes to her husband Peter | Fox News Video

Join Fox News' Dana Perino for storytime.

video.foxnews.com

 

[CJ_London]

An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (Strangeways). The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Dad



A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Dad,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.





At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances

Love,

Paul.

 

[conception_native_0123]

A man gets to Heaven and meets Peter who is at the gates. The man says do I just walk in? Peter says it depends. What does it depend on. It depends on how many points you have. The man says how many points do I need? Peter says 100. Well the man says I volunteered at a soup kitchen for 15 years at which point Peter says that’s worth 1 point. The man says I have been a minister for 35 years. I married buried and preached to people . Peter gives him a point and the guy is worried. Just then he spots a fellow from the same town who has a coffee shop who just walks in. Peter are you telling me that guy has a 100 points. Nah Peter says, he just doesn’t play that game.

 

[CJ_London]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then No. 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Actually, I heard another explanation having to do with the luminosity of Heaven and the darkness of Hell. According to the idea from physics that "dark" is "cold" and "bright" is "hot" then it follows that Heaven is hotter than Hell. Because of the supposed brilliance of the "saved souls" that enter there to join with the ever-expanding light of Heaven, Hell must be endothermic because despite any growth, it is a dark and gloomy place. Whereas Heaven must be exothermic because of the light that it shines on everyone. If it has enough energy to radiate light, it must be exothermic.

 

[conception_native_0123]

Whereas Heaven must be exothermic because of the light that it shines on everyone. If it has enough energy to radiate light, it must be exothermic.

very logical richard. =)

 

[conception_native_0123]

 

[Saphirah]

"2 men have a conversation"