Diet and Medical Advice to women (1 Viewer)

[oumahexi]

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice wholemeal toast
1 cup skimmed milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 chocolate bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER :
'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'


Finally, here's some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started........

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before
leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

 

[Brianwarnock]

Its not going to work as you
a) Didn't pour cream on the cheescake
and most importantly
b The diet contains no water of life be it Talisker, Edradour, Glenlivet, Mac .. well whatever takes your fancy.

Brian

 

[Rabbie]

You have orgotten two important facts relevant to dieting.

1. Food eaten standing up does not put weight on.
2. Biscuits broken in the packet do not contain any calories because they leak ou.

 

[oumahexi]

Its not going to work as you
a) Didn't pour cream on the cheescake

there just wasn't time, it was eaten as a matter of urgency!

and most importantly
b The diet contains no water of life be it Talisker, Edradour, Glenlivet, Mac .. well whatever takes your fancy.

Brian

Just couldn't see the booze cabinet for the medicine cupboard

You have orgotten two important facts relevant to dieting.

1. Food eaten standing up does not put weight on.

Thanks, I'll try that

2. Biscuits broken in the packet do not contain any calories because they leak ou.

and that

Then there's the other very true fact. If nobody sees you eating it the calories don't count !

 

[Len Boorman]

Basically the advice for men to avoid stress during the day is

Avoid women

Simple eh

 

[oumahexi]

Basically the advice for men to avoid stress during the day is

Avoid women

Simple eh

Wouldn't that mean you'd have to learn to pick up after yourselves?

 

[Len Boorman]

Wouldn't that mean you'd have to learn to pick up after yourselves?

Okay some drawbacks maybe but on the other hand if you leave it where you dropped it at least you know where things are.



L

 

[oumahexi]

Okay some drawbacks maybe but on the other hand if you leave it where you dropped it at least you know where things are.



L

Good thinking, until you trip over the pile, break your frail old hip and find there's nobody there to dial 999

 

[Len Boorman]

Now let me explain about a little bit of modern technology.

Its called a Mobile Phone.

This little miracle can be carried around on your person, in a pocket, around your neck on a bit of string if you like.

When you get into bed or wherever you sleep at night just plug it into the charger next to you.

This does mean that you will have to make sure you have plugged the charger in of course. Do not take the phone from around you neck until you have done this in case you electrocute your silly self because you are sleeping in the bath and you forgot to take the bath plug out.

See simple isn't it

(Some people do try to make things difficult)

L (patience is his virtue)

 

[oumahexi]

Now let me explain about a little bit of modern technology.

Its called a Mobile Phone.

This little miracle can be carried around on your person, in a pocket, around your neck on a bit of string if you like.

When you get into bed or wherever you sleep at night just plug it into the charger next to you.

This does mean that you will have to make sure you have plugged the charger in of course. Do not take the phone from around you neck until you have done this in case you electrocute your silly self because you are sleeping in the bath and you forgot to take the bath plug out.

See simple isn't it

(Some people do try to make things difficult)

L (patience is his virtue)

Were you not listening Len? It's because you left your mobile phone plugged in next to the bed, under all that rubble that nobody has picked up for you that you tripped in the first place.

I'm sorry to tell you that you that when you stumbled you knocked the jigsaw off the bedside table (power tool, not a puzzle) where you had left if so you'd know where to find it when you need to use it again in three years. It landed smack on top of the mobile phone, smashing it and the saw into tiny little bits.

Even if it were repairable, you pulled the table lamp off it's perch when you tried to get up, the bulb has broken and you are completely in the dark!

I recommend sheltered accommodation. Most of their houses have panic strings strategically placed around each room to help their frail accident prone patrons.

 

[Len Boorman]

I recommend sheltered accommodation. Most of their houses have panic strings strategically placed around each room to help their frail accident prone patrons.

Yes My post is missing.... I forgotten what its called when you cannot remember things but did I forget or not... damn me this is confusing.

Maybe cos the broken light bulb electrodes were still in place and they got me in the end. does that affect memory.

Home for the bewildered here I come,

or did I post a reply on another thread... that will confuse the hell out of somebody.

OOps men in white coats arriving

L

 

[oumahexi]

Maybe cos the broken light bulb electrodes were still in place and they got me in the end. does that affect memory.

that depends on which end you're talking about

Home for the bewildered here I come,

Is that the home for the "permanently" bewildered? I need to know, just in case you want me to get the kettle on ...

 

[Len Boorman]

Have you got nothing to do up there in the outer British Colony north of Carlisle except chit chat idly on this forum.

Me well I have an excuse/reason. They (the Company wor wot i werk0 have announced that due to the economic situation they need to loose some costs. Therefore the NPI Analyst role is to be reduced by 1. Guess how many NPI Analysts there are. Correct with your 1 guess.

I was planning to retire in December anyway, these people are a crap company, only been here 10 months so no redundancy but really not a proble, I am being annoying by turning up each day and doing basically nothing. They can cure that.... called salary in lieu.

So I have a reason to be here idly chit chatting away. What's your excuse or are you just skiving

L

 

[Len Boorman]

Your just egging people on about Mrs Osprey.

Just watching birds out the window I suppose

L

 

[oumahexi]

Have you got nothing to do up there in the outer British Colony north of Carlisle except chit chat idly on this forum.

No

Me well I have an excuse/reason. They (the Company wor wot i werk0 have announced that due to the economic situation they need to loose some costs. Therefore the NPI Analyst role is to be reduced by 1. Guess how many NPI Analysts there are. Correct with your 1 guess.

I was planning to retire in December anyway, these people are a crap company, only been here 10 months so no redundancy but really not a proble, I am being annoying by turning up each day and doing basically nothing. They can cure that.... called salary in lieu.

That is cr4p Len, but you did come through it before, I know there's a recession on, but with luck, you'll find something, the best always do.

So I have a reason to be here idly chit chatting away. What's your excuse or are you just skiving

L

Not skiving at all. It' a "woman" thing, it's called multi-tasking. If you concentrate on one thing too long the brain becomes stale and it takes longer to complete the task

 

[Alc]

You have forgotten two important facts relevant to dieting.

1. Food eaten standing up does not put weight on.
2. Biscuits broken in the packet do not contain any calories because they leak ou.

Also

3. Calories have colour, the darker the food, the higher the calories (e.g. chocolate). Therefore, white food has no calories e.g. vanilla ice-cream, meringues, etc. Drinking transparent liquids (water, vodka, and the like) absorb colour, so cause you to lose weight. Adding ice to your drinks will also suck out all of the calories, as long as you don't eat the ice cubes.
4. Beer comes from hops, wine comes from grapes, both are from plants. Therefore, one glass of either counts as 'one serving of fruit or veg'.
5. Your heart only has so many beats in it. When you run, jog, row, or whatever, you use up those beats at a higher rate. Exercising to get healthy is like driving faster to make your car tyres last longer.

 

[oumahexi]

4. Beer comes from hops, wine comes from grapes, both are from plants. Therefore, one glass of either counts as 'one serving of fruit or veg'.

Lol, Vogue published a Steak and Wine diet back in the 80s. I was a vegetarian back then so couldn't eat the steak...

 

[Rich]

Lol, Vogue published a Steak and Wine diet back in the 80s. I was a vegetarian back then so couldn't eat the steak...

Just wine, what time's tea?

 

[oumahexi]

Just wine, what time's tea?

Don't ask me, I spent the week too p*ssed to know what planet I was on, only to find out it was a three day diet

 

[Len Boorman]

Damn me been away 5 minutes and the thread has gone to pot. Anyway was important. Agency confirmed on short list for job, Potential start before actual redundancy so may have to resign !!!!!.

Life is such pressure

Now let us get things clear about women multi tasking.

This is how I understand it

A processor can only do one thing at a time
So called multi tasking uses time slicing
Women timeslice in pico micro milli seconds
Therefore they concentrate on nothing for any appreciable time.

Men timeslice in larger slices thus giving them the ability to hold a coherent conversation and also maintain a line of thought.

QED

L
a bit chuffed at the moment