What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

Fornatian

Dim Person
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Sep 1, 2000
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1. Did you hear about the polymorphic tractor, it was driving down the road and then turned into a field.

2. Man walks in a barbers, barber says, "how do want your hair", man says "some off the top, some of the sides", barber says "do you want it cutting round the back?", man says "if it's all the same to you, I'll have it cut round the front with everyone else".

I'll set the level... :D :p
 

Mile-O

Back once again...
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Dec 10, 2002
Messages
11,312
Why did the Chinese man dowse himself in curry?
It was a chop-sueyside.


What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?
Surreal


Just didn't want the thread to die on its own - I'll delete these one day, leaving Fornation's "jokes". :rolleyes:
 

Mile-O

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A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doctor," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
 

yippie_ky_yay

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Jul 30, 2002
Messages
338
This is actually one of my favorites - not worst.

A man goes to the doctor's to get the results of some tests done earlier that week (his wife accompanies him). Before they sit down, the doctor asks the husband if he could speak to his wife alone for a moment - the husband agrees and leaves the room.

"Well, what is it?", she frantically asks.
"The diagnosis is not good!" the doctor replies sadly, "he will most likely die in 6 months - unless...".
"Yes?!? What?!? I'll do anything I can!".
"Well", said the doctor "for one, we need to bring his stress and blood pressure down - this would easily be accomplished if he didn't have to worry about any of the house or yard work. Try bringing his meals to him in bed or on the couch. Make sure he's constantly relaxed - periodic massages would help and be sure to make yourself available to him in the bedroom whenever he feels like it. With your help, your husband should recover fully by next year!"

Later on the drive home, the husband asks:
"So, what did the doctor say to you?"

"You're gonna die in 6 months!".

------
I got that in an email a long time ago - I had to rewrite it though because I don't have it anymore (hope I did it justice!)

-Sean
 

Friday

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A farmer walks into the Sears store in the middle of a cold January day and tells the man behind the counter, "I need me one of them thar new auto-matic milkin' machines for milkin' cows."

"That's absolutely no problem, sir", said the clerk. "First, I need to know how may cows you milk".

"Well, I got one milk, cow. Yessir, just the one."

"Pardon me, but why would you want to get an auto-matic milking machine for just one cow? Seems like an awful waste of money."

"Wellssir, let me tell you what happened last evening. I went out to the barn to milk that cow, and it was really cold. Well, I got down there and put the bucket in place, and when I grabbed the teats, the cow kicked me with her left leg, and knocked me clean over. Well, I just got me a piece of rope, and tied her left leg to the nearest post, and went back at it. This time she kicked me with her right leg, and knocked me clean over, again. So I got me another piece of rope, and tied her right leg to another post. Wellssir, the ropes was in my way, now, so I had to get behind her and milk her from back there. When I grabbed the teats, she smacked me across the face with her tail, which was covered with frozen mud, and it stung like heck! So I got me another piece of rope, and I tied it to the end of her tail, and slung it up over a rafter beam. Wellssir, when I did that, two things happened. First, my bib overalls came undone at the straps and fell down around my ankles, and second, my wife walked into the barn to see if I needed any help. And that's why I need one of them milkin' machines."
 

Friday

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I'll probably regret this, but...

During WWII an American Colonel was hosted by the officers of a British regiment during a mess night. As with most British regiments this one had a storied past and numerous battle flags, weapons, plaques and the like adorned the wall of the mess. The American Colonel's rather pompous host went on with excruciating detail about each and every item. The poor Colonel was fairly well fed up when his host came upon another battle flag.

"And this one might interest you Colonel. We captured this from the American rebels at Breed's Hill which I believe you call the Battle of Bunker Hill. As you can see Colonel, we still have the flag."

To which the American replied, "Yes, but we still have the hill."
 

Friday

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How does it change many dyslexics to take a light bulb?
 

WayneRyan

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The lowest I've sunk for a post:

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you". Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block". Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?" Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home".

Wayne
 

ColinEssex

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Man goes into the Doctors.
Doc says "You've only got 2 weeks to live"
Man says "Can you make it the last 2 weeks in August please?

____________

We had a quiet wedding, Vicar had laryngitis

____________
 

Mile-O

Back once again...
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Man goes into doctor's surgery and, after an examination, the doctor says "I can only give you ten to live..."

"Ten what, Doc? Months? Days"

The doctor replies: "Nine!"
 

ColinEssex

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A sofa talking to a chair says - "what shall we do this weekend?"

Chair says - "I'm easy!"

___________________________

Sofa to chair - "shall we go to the football?"

Chair says - "we'll never get seats!"

___________________________

Boom Boom!
 

Fornatian

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Sep 1, 2000
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Glad we've set the level now.

Two tramps sitting on the wall of mansion in the dead of winter, shivering with cold and the wind biting at their faces. "I'm starving" says the older tramp. I know how we'll get some food and walks off. The younger tramp follows. Into a field they go and the old tramp feels around in the grass and picks up a cowpat and wanders back toward the mansion and knocks on the front door. An elegant, well to do lady opens the door, distressed to see the tramp holding a cowpat forward. "Can I have some salt for this please". The woman says "You can't eat that and drags him into the house". The younger tramp, still freezing to the touch, wanders round to the nearest window and watches as the older tramp feasts with the mansion family. The younger man follows the same routine as the older tramps and duly returns with a frozen cowpat. He knocks on the door and asks "Can I have some salt for this please?". The same lady replies "You can't eat that, go round to the stables and fetch a warm one!" (sorry :) )

Man to Woman: Would you sleep with me for a million pounds?
Woman to Man (after thought): Yes I would.
Man to Woman: Brilliant, now we've established the principle let's talk about the price!

Did you hear about the dyslexic, amnesiac, agnostic who sat up all night wondering if there was a dog.
 
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pcEars

qryNot_Quite_StoopID
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Jun 12, 2003
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87
Two blondes walked into a bar. You'd think the second would've seen it.
=====

2am. The phone rings and Marie answers and listens a moment. She then replies: "How should I know? That's 200 miles away from here! Try the weather service." Then she hangs up.

Her husband asks: "Who was that?"

Marie replies: "Wrong number. It was some woman wanting to know if the coast was clear!"
====

Marie comes home to find her husband in the arms of another woman. She reaches in her purse, removes a gun and puts it to her head.

Her husband pleads with her: "Marie, don't do it! This is not worth taking your life over!"

Marie replies: "Don't you worry, mister. You're next!"
====
 

Jacob Mathai

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Sep 6, 2001
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Eli Whiteny, the inventor of cotton gin, told his friends: "Hi guys, will you please get your cotton picking hands off my gin?"
 

Newman

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Aug 26, 2002
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766
A science guy in his lab grabs a fly.

It took the fly's front legs off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly flies and the guy grab it again.

It took the fly's back legs off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly flies and the guy grab it again.

It took the fly's rear legs off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly flies and the guy grab it again.

It took the fly's wings off, release the fly and ask it to fly.
The fly lies in his hand...

The guy takes his book and note:
"Fly's ears are on their wings"
========================
A guy to another.
-I don't know what is wrong, I am seeing large red flashing dots every nights.
-Have you seen a doctor?
-No! Just large red flashing dots.
========================
A blonde shows a 5$ bill to her boyfriend.
-I got this by climbing a tree.
-What?
-A guy told me he would give it to me if I climbed the tree.
-Come on! He did it to get a look at your underwear from underneath your skirt.

Next day...
She shows another 5$ bill to her boyfriend.
-I got this by climbing a tree again.
-I told you! He did it to get a look at your underwear.
-I know! But this time he couldn't have seen it.
-Why?
-I didn't wear any.
 

BarryMK

4 strings are enough
Joined
Oct 15, 2002
Messages
1,352
Mile's right shouldn't let this thread die so..............

Man walks into the doctor's.

Man:
" Doctor I think I'm a moth"

Doctor:
"You don't need me - you should've gone to a psychiatrist."

Man:
"I know but your light was on"
 

ColinEssex

Old registered user
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Feb 22, 2002
Messages
8,170
Here's an oldie

Man goes into Docs and says

"Doc, I think I'm a pair of curtains"

Doc says "Pull yourself together":rolleyes:

___________________________________

If thats the best I can do I reckon I'll go home now.;)
 

BarryMK

4 strings are enough
Joined
Oct 15, 2002
Messages
1,352
That's even worse than my joke, I bow to the master and please don't give up the day job.
 

ColinEssex

Old registered user
Joined
Feb 22, 2002
Messages
8,170
How do you make a drummer play quieter?

Put music in front of him.

How do you make a drummer stop playing?

Ask him to read it.

__________________

Well it keeps my post count ahead of Hayley!:D
 

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