What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[statsman]

A man wakes up one morning to discover he's in a casket in his living room with candles burning all around.

He thinks for a moment, then says to himself...
If I'm alive what am I doing in a casket.
If I'm dead, how come I have to go to the bathroom.

 

[sandy6078]

A 5 year old boy was taking a bath when he reached down, grabbed his testicles and asked, "Mom, are these my brains?"

The mom replied, "Not yet".

 

[scott-atkinson]

Two cows in a field.

Cow One: I hear the cows in the next field have got Blue Tongue.

Cow Two: I didn't even know they had mobiles...

Boom Boom...

 

[ajetrumpet]

Here's a follow up to ReAn @ #679....

"Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducked..."

 

[saintsman]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a ******".

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman n "Do you have a ******". She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have ******".......

"Yes" she says......

The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?"

 

[scott-atkinson]

A man who just died is delivered to an Arkansas mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, "Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, Bubba presents
her with the blank check. "Dere's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," Bubba says, "it didn't cost me a ting. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."



"So, I just switched the heads."

 

[Kinger43]

Two Brits are walking through the woods when they come across some tracks. The first says to the second, "I say, I believe these are racoon tracks." The second disputes the first saying, "No old boy, these are most obviously deer tracks." The two begin to argue for some time when finally, they are hit by a train.

 

[Kinger43]

I'm surprised Bill did't do this years ago.

 

[Kinger43]

nevermind, file's too big

 

[Oldsoftboss]

A man arrives home one night and proudly announces that he has bought some Olympic Condoms.

"And tonight I am going to use the Gold!" he touted.

"Why not wear the silver and come second for a change?" his wife replied.

 

[Oldsoftboss]

And for our Biology experts:

What the the fatty tissue around a ****** called?
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A Wife

 

[Rich]

A Romanian arrives in Britain as a new immigrant to the country



He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,



"Thank you Mr. Britishman for letting me in this country, giving me housing,



Money for food, free medical care and free education!"



The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Jamaican."



The man goes on and encounters another passerby.



"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain !"



The person says, "I not British, I Asian."



The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,


Shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"



That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am
Not British!"



He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you British?"



She says, "No, I am from Africa !"



Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the British people?"



The African lady checks her watch and says….."Probably at work."

 

[KenHigg]

...

The African lady checks her watch and says….."Probably at work."

Or on the internet

 

[Brianwarnock]

Or on the internet

Trying to educate the Americans.

Brian

 

[KenHigg]

You're pretty fast today... I guess I need to back down...

ken

 

[Kinger43]

Trying to educate the Americans.

Brian

I think brainwash is a more appropriate word, at least in the case of some of you

 

[Rich]

I think brainwash is a more appropriate

Nah your state does enough of that

 

[Jacob Mathai]

English language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publikenthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

 

[Jacob Mathai]

airline humor

Only on an American airline...

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking thepassengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope you'll think of US Airways"

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
my lap You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

 

[ajetrumpet]

Trying to educate the Americans.

Brian

I don't know about that Brian, some of us are pretty d*** smart, as you have witnessed...

Although, as of late, the literacy rate in this country seems to be falling dramatically. Maybe I should move to Britain..??