Brianwarnock
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What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Fornatian
- Start date
Kinger43
racecar driver
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Little Johnny is sitting on the sidewalk smashing ants with his thumb. A priest walks by as Johnny says "Goddamn ants". The priest says "Johnny you shouldn't talk like that. God put everything on this planet for a reason, and everything he put here has a purpose. If you can come up with three things that God put on this planet that have no purpose then I will forgive you for what you are doing and what you just said."
The next day Johnny back out on the sidewalk smashing ants again, same story. "Goddamn ants" he says as the priest walks by. The priest asks him, "Did you come up with anything Johnny?" Johnny says, "I got ya covered reverend, tits on a nun, a **** on a priest, and these GODDAMN ANTS!"
The next day Johnny back out on the sidewalk smashing ants again, same story. "Goddamn ants" he says as the priest walks by. The priest asks him, "Did you come up with anything Johnny?" Johnny says, "I got ya covered reverend, tits on a nun, a **** on a priest, and these GODDAMN ANTS!"
Minkey
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Gary W. Graley
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Little Timmy comes home from school, walks past his parents bedroom and hears
something going on, he opens the door and there is his mom and dad going at it!
His dad see's him and gives him a wink and a little smile which made Timmy jump back!
Timmy closes the door quickly.
A bit later Timmy's dad gets dressed, walks down the hall way and hears a commotion
in Timmy's room, opens the door and sees Timmy with his grand mother bent over the
bed just a going at it!
His dad says, "what the heck are you doing!!!!""
Timmy says..." It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom is it dad!"
G2
something going on, he opens the door and there is his mom and dad going at it!
His dad see's him and gives him a wink and a little smile which made Timmy jump back!
Timmy closes the door quickly.
A bit later Timmy's dad gets dressed, walks down the hall way and hears a commotion
in Timmy's room, opens the door and sees Timmy with his grand mother bent over the
bed just a going at it!
His dad says, "what the heck are you doing!!!!""
Timmy says..." It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom is it dad!"
G2
RexesOperator
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EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her under- wear. Suddenly I noticed that
there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I
had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered,."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very
good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste"
the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a
foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the
surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry,
had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon
whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her under- wear. Suddenly I noticed that
there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I
had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered,."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very
good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste"
the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a
foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the
surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry,
had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon
whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
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- Sep 6, 2001
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Another Blonde joke
What is a 710?
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here on the link.
http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg
What is a 710?
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here on the link.
http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg
Oldsoftboss
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An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking at her over his glasses, he gazed into her eyes, asking optimistically, "Was that one word or two?"
Dave
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking at her over his glasses, he gazed into her eyes, asking optimistically, "Was that one word or two?"
Dave
R
Rich
Guest
Paddy had been drinking at his local
Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not
Be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my
way then.'
Paddy spins around on his stool and
steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls
himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and
falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to
himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll
be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and
Shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a
deep
Breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,'
he says.
He can see his house just a few doors
down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens
the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says
'No fockin' way'.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom
door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'
He takes a step into the room and falls
flat on his face.
He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes
into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did
you have a bit to drink last night?'.
Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin'
pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . You left your
wheelchair at the pub.'
Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not
Be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my
way then.'
Paddy spins around on his stool and
steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls
himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and
falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to
himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll
be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and
Shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a
deep
Breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,'
he says.
He can see his house just a few doors
down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens
the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says
'No fockin' way'.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom
door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'
He takes a step into the room and falls
flat on his face.
He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes
into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did
you have a bit to drink last night?'.
Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin'
pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . You left your
wheelchair at the pub.'
R
Rich
Guest
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a ******?'.
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a ******'.
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have a ******'.......
'Yes' she says......
The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a ******'.
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have a ******'.......
'Yes' she says......
The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'
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The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?'
Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?'
Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
R
Rich
Guest
A small zoo in sunderland acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bob, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bob, like many makem folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bob was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ? Bob showed some interest, but
said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. "First", Bob said, "Ah'm not ganna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannit never tell nenbody aboowt this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Bob said, "I want all the bairns raised as sunlun fans." Once again it was agreed.
4. "And last of all", Bob stated, "Ya ganna hev tu give me another week to come up with the £500"
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bob, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bob, like many makem folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bob was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ? Bob showed some interest, but
said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. "First", Bob said, "Ah'm not ganna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannit never tell nenbody aboowt this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Bob said, "I want all the bairns raised as sunlun fans." Once again it was agreed.
4. "And last of all", Bob stated, "Ya ganna hev tu give me another week to come up with the £500"
R
Rich
Guest
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o'the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago? She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'll be going to Rome next week and I'll light
a candle for ye and yer hoosband. She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have
ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and
4 singles, 10 in all!' The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving
hoosband doing?' She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin'candle.'
The Father said, 'Top o'the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago? She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'll be going to Rome next week and I'll light
a candle for ye and yer hoosband. She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have
ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and
4 singles, 10 in all!' The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving
hoosband doing?' She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin'candle.'
R
Rich
Guest
Doctor in Dublin
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take
care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
" So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she
tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and
her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and
shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I
have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take
care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
" So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she
tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and
her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and
shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I
have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
R
Rich
Guest
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
> seemed
> to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
>
> As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told
> us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
> big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your
> trays
> up, that would be super.'
>
> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
> Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
>
> 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you
> to
> raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
>
> She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
> Princess
> and I take orders from no one.'
>
>
> To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
> "'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
> Tray-up, Bitch!"
>
>
>
> seemed
> to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
>
> As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told
> us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
> big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your
> trays
> up, that would be super.'
>
> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
> Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
>
> 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you
> to
> raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
>
> She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
> Princess
> and I take orders from no one.'
>
>
> To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
> "'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
> Tray-up, Bitch!"
>
>
>
R
Rich
Guest
> > A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when
> > his
> > wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'
> >
> > 'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my
> > penis
> > with crushed aspirin.
> >
> > You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'
> > his
> > wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'
> >
> > 'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my
> > penis
> > with crushed aspirin.
> >
> > You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'
R
Rich
Guest
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got
home was take off my trousers,' he said.
'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that
she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in
this family and I always will''.
'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after
the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them
to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't
possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this
relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill.
'And if you don't change your f****ng attitude, you never
will !!!!
'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got
home was take off my trousers,' he said.
'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that
she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in
this family and I always will''.
'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after
the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them
to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't
possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this
relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill.
'And if you don't change your f****ng attitude, you never
will !!!!
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
"Shawn, said Pat, can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very old bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
"Shawn, said Pat, can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very old bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"
