complaint letter of the year (1 Viewer)

[Groundrush]

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
So that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes

-an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your Internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don’t care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
Therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were s**t, that they had attained the holy p**s-pot of god-
awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to


their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn’t anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom – w*****s though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very ambo
diment of my feelings to
wards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of t***s.

John

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

LOL...........................

>>>> telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? <<<<<

Reminds me, had a thunderstorm the other day. The electricity went off. So I rang southern electricity board and was on their switchboard waiting, listening to a prerecorded message telling me how good their website was. Everything I needed was on the website! Do you know how annoying that is when your PC won't work because there's no electric!

 

[lala]

i had to walk out of my cubicle and go outside, this is hysterical
even if it's not a real letter, who cares

 

[BeerSnob]

Glad to see I'm not the only one who alleviates boredom by playing with my testicles.

 

[Rich]

Glad to see I'm not the only one who alleviates boredom by playing with my testicles.

How do the women in the office alleviate their boredom?

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

How do the women in the office alleviate their boredom?

Playing with my Testicles.....

 

[Rich]

Playing with my Testicles.....

You wish

 

[oumahexi]

How do the women in the office alleviate their boredom?

Wondering how that ceiling would look painted another colour

 

[Rich]

Wondering how that ceiling would look painted another colour

Or decorated with mirrors

 

[oumahexi]

I once had a problem with a cable supplier. I moved to another comapany and the original one didn't come to uplift their equipment. Six months later I received a letter from them saying they were going to take me to court, this, after countless phone calls to them asking them to remove it from my home.

Furious, I phoned them up and asked them what they thought they were playing at sending me threatening letters, only to be told that their records reveal that I still had their equipment and I could either pay for the use of it or return it. So I gave THEM an ultimatum. Either they get someone round the following morning to remove it from my house or I would be sending THEM a bill for six months' storage. The equipment was uplifted the next morning before I left for work.

 

[Atomic Shrimp]

I had a horrible time with NTL (and Virgin Media, after NTL was taken over by them) - I only had an internet package with them, but kept on experiencing episodes where the cabnle modem would lose sync and I would have no internet connection for hours, often days.

Whenever I called them about it, I would be forced to plod through the same useless 'A Few Simple Diagnostic Steps' over and over again - power-cycle my cable modem, restart my computer, delete the network connection and let it create a new one, restart the computer again, power-cycle the modem again, try turning it off for half an hour, then calling back if it wasn't working (and when I called back, I got to speak to a different person, who wanted A Few Simple Diagnostic Steps started again from scratch).

Eventually, the person on the phone would concede that there must be something wrong and would book an engineer visit in the middle of a weekday, in a fortnight's time - I would take the day off and wait for the engineer, who would cursorily examine the (now momentarily working) cable modem, shrug and tell me he couldn't find anything wrong, and leave.

On a couple of occasions, as I watched his van recede into the distance, the modem would lose sync again - I would phone the support line in desparate hope that they might be able to get the same engineer back, only to find myself on hold for three quarters of an hour, then talking to a foreign call centre operator, who wanted me to perform A Few Simple Diagnostic Steps first...

Eventually, the connection got so flaky as to be almost completely useless, almost all of the time - I phoned the support line in confidence that the problem would be easily manifest to a visiting engineer. 40 minutes on hold, and A Few Simple Diagnostic Steps later, I was offered an engineer visit in the middle of a weekday, five weeks in the future. I asked if they had anything sooner, but there seemed to be no record of any historical problems with my connection, so I had to take my place in the normal queue.

I decided enough was enough, and asked them to transfer me to someone who could handle the termination of my account - the operator said OK and transferred me to a line where I just got a busy tone, then got cut off.

I phoned back, held for another loooong time (listening to recorded messages about A Few Simple Diagnostic Steps I might like to try, if I was having problems with my connection) - eventually, I got through to someone to talk about terminating the account - it took a while to persuade them that I really didn't want to talk to support any more, to try A Few Simple Diagnostic Steps, then they told me that it would take about 5 to 6 weeks to terminate the connection, during which time it happened that I would be billed two normal monthly payments.

I told them that there was no way I would pay anything else, as my reason for termination was that the damn thing just didn't work - and I was not going to pay for service that wasn't actually being served. They promised they would, as a special courtesy, credit my account, so that the direct debits wouldn't be drawn at all.

I went to my online banking page and cancelled the direct debit, just to help them keep their promises.

My connection was eventually terminated (marked by a letter asking me if I would reconsider, and the faltering lights on the modem going out for good). A month or so later, I received a letter saying I owed them money and they had been unable to debit my account.

I called up (more extended hold times) and explained the whole situation, the accounts operator I spoke to said no credits had been actioned, but that she could see my long and troubled support history, and would credit my account to zero.

A month later, a letter arrived from a debt collection agency, demanding payment of the money I supposedly owed Virgin Media, or they would have to send the boys round. I tried phoning them to explain that it should have been credited and perhaps there were some crossed wires or something, but they just treated me as if I was lying about everything.

I phoned Virgin Media (more extended holding) and got them to look at my account - no credit was there and I still owed money. "Are you SURE?", I asked - and told them the details of my last call where I was promised a credit (giving date, time, amount and the person I spoke to, as I was now writing everything down) - "Ah, there it is!", she exclaimed - apparently the credit had been entered, but for some reason had not been applied, and wasn't easy to find, but could now be actioned and my account balance was confirmed as zero.

I called the debt collectors back, thinking they would want to know about this resolution, but they just treated me as a liar again, even this time telling me things would be easier for me if I just paid the bill anyway! - I told them no, it was resolved and here was the name of the person at Virgin who had assured me so.

And that was just about an end to it. I will never favour Virgin Media with my custom ever again.

 

[scott-atkinson]

Yes Virgin Media are usless, along with these idiotic companies that I have had the misfortuune to use believeing that they could not be as bad as the fu*k Wits that I had previously been with, to my mistake, they are;

EDF
British Gas
British Telecom
Sky
Virgin Media
Anglian Water
Thames Water

If you can steer clear, quite oftem you can't as you have to have one or the other, witch is a bummer.

These companies have the monopoly on poor service and non existant customer relations...

 

[Atomic Shrimp]

I've had mixed service from Orange too - when I was on Pay Monthly, I got to speak to UK-based support staff who were genuinely helpful and seemed to have the necessary information to hand.

When I switched to PAYG (still with Orange), I found myself having to talk to people in foreign call centres, speaking broken English, who couldn't do anything to help and in some cases were just plain wrong - one time, the support guy was adamant that my Palm Treo was really a Blackberry - I told him that although it looks a bit like one, it's actually quite different, but he just kept on saying "Palm Treo is a Blackberry, and we are not supporting the Blackberry".

 

[Rabbie]

I have always had excellent customer service from Virgin Mobile - very polite and helpful. Hopefully some of their culture will spread to Virgin Media(formerly Ntl and telewest)