One Liners; Tidbits; Wise Sayings

[Idjit]

And finally...

"It's colder than a witch's titty out here, isn't it?"

Those are some great ones, Kraj.

My version of the one above used to be "Colder than Rush Limbaugh's heart" but my coworker had the perfect comeback: "What heart?" These days I'd update it to Ann Coulter. (Jeez, just typing that name I hear the horses whinny like in Young Frankenstein. *shudder*)

 

[ShaneMan]

Sometimes, when I read some of these post then it reminds me of versions I heard.

"Sweating like a ***** in church" - meaning, 'nervous'.

"Sweating like a white man trying to vote twice, at an NAACP meeting."

"It's colder than a witch's titty out here, isn't it?"

"Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra"

"Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up first."?"

I wish I had a dollar for every time my Dad said this to me. Except he always said, "which one fills up the fastest."

 

[ShaneMan]

How about
Cold as a Penguin's chuff
L

"Colder than a well diggers arse in the Klondikes"

 

[ShaneMan]

Karma wrote:

Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?

"Does a blind man fart in the dark?"

 

[Oldsoftboss]

On the wall of the local funeral directors, I chuckled when I saw it, I was only fixing an A/C unit not in morning...

If you think the dead don't come back to life, you should be here at knock off time.

 

[Kraj]

These days I'd update it to Ann Coulter. (Jeez, just typing that name I hear the horses whinny like in Young Frankenstein. *shudder*)

ROFL!

"Good night...Herr Doctor."
"Good night...Anne Coulter."
*Riiieeeerrrr*

 

[Matt Greatorex]

I've just had my manager desribe to me the dangers of asking one of the other departments for too much help, using the expression

"Pigs get fat but hogs get slaughtered"

 

[ShaneMan]

Got another one to add to the list. I was talking to my dad yesterday and in the course of talking about his age he said, "At my age what don't hurt, won't work." Made me laugh so I thought I would add another one.

 

[Idjit]

Never try to teach a pig to dance. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Not sure who that's from - Twain or Heinlein, I think.

 

[Adeptus]

"A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose"

"It's better to be pissed off than pissed on"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

The only thing that will go away if you ignore it, are your teeth.

 

[Rich]

The only thing that will go away if you ignore it, are your teeth.

and your health, surely?

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Confusious say:
Man who goes through airport turnstyle sideways going to Bangkok

 

[Matt Greatorex]

Got sent these this morning. Some good ones amongst them.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

- Moses Hadas


"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."

- Abraham Lincoln


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend ... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill


"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in reply


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

- Stephen Bishop


"A modest little person, with much to be modest about..."

- Winston Churchill about Clement Atlee


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

- Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)


"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

- Samuel Johnson



"He had delusions of adequacy."

- Walter Kerr


"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed



"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

- Forrest Tucker



"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

- Mark Twain



"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

- Mae West



"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

- Oscar Wilde



"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

- Oscar Wilde

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

[Kraj]

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I like that one.

 

[Ron_dK]

Apres nous le deluge ( Louis XIV)

Honny soit qui mal y pense ( unknown)

 

[Jacob Mathai]

On a down day in the Stock Market, an Analyst commented:"The market looks like the South end of a horse going North."

 

[ShaneMan]

An old timer my dad worked with in the old patch told him, "The worst I ever had was wonderful."

 

[ShaneMan]

Once when I was staying at my Grandpa's he got up and said he was going to clean up before supper. About 30 min. later he came back in the room and sat in his chair. I was laying on the couch and had my back to him. I little after he sat down I heard him blow air out but didn't pay any attention to it. A few minutes later he did it again but said "whew" at the end of it. I turned around and asked him if everything was alright. He said "no, I like to have drowned in there." I asked him where? He said, "in the tub, while I was taking a bath." I asked him how he almost drowned in the bath tub? He said, "he laid down in the water and his balls floated to the top of the water, held his head under and he like to have never got back up." I fell off the couch laughing.