The World of Steven Wright (1 Viewer)

mitchem1

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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the
famously erudite scientist and comic who once said:

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

28 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

29 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

30 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

31 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

32 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

33 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
 

boblarson

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I LOVE Steven Wright's deadpan humor. It's just so great.
 

CraigDolphin

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Not to offend, but he's definitely not my scene.

I once went to one of his Chicago shows and laughed for the first couple of minutes. After about 5 minutes the smile was fading. After ten I was wondering if he could do anything beside recite one-liners. After 15 I was wishing the show were over. Only stayed so as not be rude for the sake of the girl I was with.

Give me the likes of Billy Connelly (Scotland) for a truly funny standup IMO. :)
 

boblarson

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Steven Wright is definitely not for everyone.
 

mitchem1

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Steven Wright is definitely not for everyone.

I agree. Some people thought Bob Hope was a genious. He put me to sleep. Others love the Blue Collar guys. To each his own I guess.
 

wazz

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comic genius. his delivery makes it happen. i've only seen him on talk shows, though, a few minutes at a time. it can be best to only read a few at a time; reading them is not quite the same. i can imagine how a whole routine could be too much. thanks for the quotes.

more:

What’s the youngest you can die of old age?

I bought myself a cordless extension cord...

I recently got fax waiting...

I pulled into a gas station the other day and there were two signs in the window: Help Wanted, and Self-Serve; so I went in and hired myself.

I had to go to court the other day. I got up on the stand and the guy says to me, “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” I said, “Yeah. You’re ugly and I want to sleep with that woman over there.”

I went on a trip with a friend of mine a while ago. I’d been driving for a while and I said to my friend, “If I get tired will you drive?” He said, “No, I can’t drive an automatic.”

I have a light that goes on in my car every now and then to test the bulb.

We were driving along and we passed a sign on the side of the highway that read, “Next Sign – 1 Mile.” A mile later there was a sign that said: “Next Sign – 20 Miles.” I thought, “Wow that’s big.”

My Grandpa built a rocking chair that rocks forward instead of backward so he can feign interest in any conversation.

One day my Grandpa said, “Come here. Here’s five dollars, but don’t tell your mother I gave it to you.” I said, “It’ll cost you 10.”

I know this photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close-up of the horizon.

I used to work for a fire hydrant company. I remember going to work...and trying to park my car...
 

ColinEssex

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Is this geezer known in the UK? I've never heard of him:confused:

Is that all he does is say that stuff? He seems pretty boring - but he's obviously big in the USA

Col
 

Pauldohert

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Eddie Izzard is the best I've seen by a country mile.
 

Minkey

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Is this geezer known in the UK? I've never heard of him:confused:

Is that all he does is say that stuff? He seems pretty boring - but he's obviously big in the USA

Col

I've heard of him years ago, don't think he's been on TV very much over here so much less known.

I do like his stuff very deadpan but have to agree with Pauldohert Eddie Izzard is hillarious - I find it very hard not to laugh out loud on the bus/ train when I listen to his stuff.

"I was raised by wolves, they called me ggggrrrrrr" :D

Billy Connelly is also very funny but being a Scot I found his earlier stuff better.
 

wazz

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i haven't seen him in years (but probably wouldn't here)...in the where are they now file? maybe making bucks as a writer. we could still be laughing at his jokes and not even know it.
 

tehNellie

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I love Steven Wright. Not sure I could sit through an entire show that basically boils down to one liners, but his delivery is superb.
 

Big Pat

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Yeah..I love Steven Wright too. My favourite of his is:

You can't have everything, I mean where would you put it?
 

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