I have daydreamed before about my spouse passing and I tend to feel like I would be in such a messy state that I wouldn't be able to do much of anything except rely on others to put a ceremony together, and speaking at it would be out of the question ... I already get choked up when talking about anything of extreme importance with anyone.
I went though that anguish about ten years ago of Christine having a lung cancer scare. It turned out that the shadow on the chest x-ray was not a cancer. In fact we never found out what it was. The specialist literally cried on her shoulder when he told her how rare it was for him to give someone good news.
It powerfully brought mortality into my focus so my mental preparation for what has happened goes back a long way. Such are the demands of how I have to deal with life because of my autism. I flounder socially when put on the spot and I don't have an understanding of how "normal" people behave to guide my reactions so I tend to overthink everything.
Perhaps it was a strength this time.
And Isaac, you never know what you can do until you do it.
Indeed. I had no idea that I could do what I have done. I feel that Christine is channeling herself though me in our time of great need as we try to move forward without the undisputed matriarch of our enormous extended family.
I read the eulogy so many times until I could do it without breaking down because I wanted to do my very best to honour her. The emotion came through but I kept it together. Similarly our daughter who doubted herself. Just when she thought she would break she remembered to think of the joy Christine had brought to her life.
The female singers and I all wondered if we could get though but healed so much in the rehearsal that we knew it was vitally important to the service.
Remembering the joy is the key to getting though it. For any of you who are not finding that joy with your living partner, I urge you to go back and rediscover why it was that you joined your lives in the first place, because one day it will be too late and regrets will hurt.
My biggest struggle right now is the feeling that I was probably not worthy of having been with such an incredible person, with so much of who she was brought into sharp focus though her passing. However the confidence of knowing I had left her with no doubt that I truly loved her and the beauty of the send off carries me on.
I understand the feeling of her manifesting within me as the unveiling of what she had instilled into me blossoming because I had never needed to before while she was such a larger than life presence in my life.
I'm going to be a better person and try to show everyone the side of me that she saw and loved.
