One Liners; Tidbits; Wise Sayings (2 Viewers)

[Brianwarnock]

Its interesting to see the different type of sayings people quote, and as we've moved down market how about

It goes like shit off a hot shovel

He's like a fart in a trance

brian

 

[Brianwarnock]

Do others have the equivalent of

knee high to a grasshopper to descibe a young un

About as much use as a chocolate fireguard

Brian

 

[Bodisathva]

About as much use as a chocolate fireguard

The equivalent in the Appalachians would be:
Worthless as tits on a boar-hog.

 

[Brianwarnock]

I get the impression , whether it is correct I'm not sure, that Americans are more inclined to use bodily references in their one liners.

Brian

 

[TessB]

Last month, I turned in my list of beneficiaries for my life insurance. In the event of my death, my husband and children were named of course... but in the event of my entire immediate families demise, the list of beneficiaries were quite long as it contained all of my nieces and nephews.

My HR representative took one look at the page long list and said, "My but aren't you generous!"

To which I replied, "I can afford to be generous... I'm DEAD!"

 

[Keith Nichols]

About as much use as a chocolate fireguard

Brian

.... ashtray on a motorbike.

Having said that, I remember a strange friend from my youth who would indeed smoke cigarettes while riding on his motorbike.

 

[Adeptus]

As useful as tits on a bull
As useful as a singlet with a hip pocket

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on

 

[Oldsoftboss]

As handy as a wooden frypan

 

[Bodisathva]

"Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy." - Ben Franklin

 

[bwrobel]

When talking about small diameters my dad's favorite.
Cut about a frog's hair off of that.

BTW Oldsoftboss you have a very hypnotic avatar

You know if I would have went to a "ALL MALE" school and college I would had a 4.0 GPA... Damm the Boobs

 

[bwrobel]

Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

[bwrobel]

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 

[Idjit]

"Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy." - Ben Franklin

Life is too short to drink cheap beer. ~Warsteiner's slogan

 

[ShaneMan]

Last month, I turned in my list of beneficiaries for my life insurance. In the event of my death, my husband and children were named of course... but in the event of my entire immediate families demise, the list of beneficiaries were quite long as it contained all of my nieces and nephews.

My HR representative took one look at the page long list and said, "My but aren't you generous!"

To which I replied, "I can afford to be generous... I'm DEAD!"

I like this one Ms. Tess. Quick wit that fit into real life stories, are always the funniest, to me.

 

[ShaneMan]

"I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was".--old man I use to work with.

"Once a king, always a king, but once a (k)night is enough."--same old man.

"Boys I better get home. My wife said there was going to be some lovin' goin' on tonight and if I want any part of it, I better be there!"--a different old man I worked with.

I was going into a gas station one night, and a lady, with no bra on, came out just a little before me. As I came through the door an older man was standing and gawking at her. When he saw me looking at him he said, "she had two puppies under her shirt. I saw their noses!"

 

[Keith Nichols]

Life is too short to drink cheap beer. ~Warsteiner's slogan

I think that is a crib from Shakespeare's 'Life is too short to drink small beer'. Small beer being a watered down Elizabethan 'lite' beer used for drinking when inebriation wasn't the object. That is, when water was always suspect, beer was safe to drink so they had a week beer for drinking during the day.

 

[Keith Nichols]

Describing somebody who is simultaneously flashy, seedy and cheep (think Huggy Bear from Starsky & Hutch):

'Done up like a pox doctors clerk'

'Like a rat with a gold tooth'

Describing somebody who has just got way too excited about something:

'Like a dog with 2 dicks'

Some contractor's rules (that aren't always adhered to - I need to say that because I will be looking for a contract job soonish!!!):
* Time allowed is time taken
* No gain, no pain
* If a job's worth doing, it is worth doing twice - especially tru in the oil & gas game

There are another half dozen or so of these if I can remember them

In an office I used to work in, there was a rather stern manager called Eric. We worked on an honour based flexitime so it would be common to hear somebody asking what time a colleage is leaving that day.
The usual answer was "5 past Eric." Most of the time this would be ok, but occasionally Eric would return to the office unnexpectedly causing a flurry of panic amongst those preparing for an early departure.

In another office, the boss announced to the masses that he was heading out to a meeting and would not be back that day. Once he had left a wag popped up and called out "The boss is away. Quick, let's fuck-about!" Had us all in stiches for hours.

 

[Oldsoftboss]

From a former work colleage also:

I might be slow, but by God I'm rough.

When given something useless:
That'll come in handy, even if I don't use it.

When asked an obvious question:
Does a one legged duck swim roung in circles?

 

[Bodisathva]

When asked an obvious question:
Does a one legged duck swim roung in circles?

Does a Hobby-Horse have a wooden dick?

 

[Matt Greatorex]

Some contractor's rules (that aren't always adhered to - I need to say that because I will be looking for a contract job soonish!!!):
* Time allowed is time taken
* No gain, no pain
* If a job's worth doing, it is worth doing twice - especially tru in the oil & gas game

Work will always expand to fit the time available.

An easily understandable, repeatable falsehood is very often of more practical use than the truth.