One Liners; Tidbits; Wise Sayings

[Matt Greatorex]

Apologies for any paraphrasing, but my memory can be a bit hit-and-miss.

'One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.' - Peter Kay

'I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it' - Groucho

'I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong' - Bertrand Russell

'You ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved?"' - Bill Hicks

'I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?' - Dylan Moran

'I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.' - Dylan Moran

'Guns don't kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do too (if they have a gun).' - Eddie Izzard

'I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me. ' - Noel Coward

'Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it infamy!' - Kenneth Williams

'There is absolutely no connection between having a gun and shooting someone and not having a gun and not shooting someone and you'd be a fool and a communist to make one' - Bill Hicks

 

[ShaneMan]

In between self loathing and grandiose delusions is your average person

Gotta have this one, too. The ole Southern country way of putting this is, "I wish I could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thought he was worth."

 

[Matt Greatorex]

agreed...that woman's got a face that'd make a train take a dirt road

or

She's got a face like a bulldog licking p*ss off a nettle.

or

Everyone has a right to be ugly but she's abusing the privilege.

etc.

 

[ShaneMan]

or

She's got a face like a bulldog licking p*ss off a nettle..

Ok, gotta ask. Whats a nettle?

or

Everyone has a right to be ugly but she's abusing the privilege.
etc.

This one cracked me up.!

 

[dt01pqt]

Gotta have this one, too. The ole Southern country way of putting this is, "I wish I could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thought he was worth."

Thanks Shane I came up with that, though like you said there are similar ones a long the same lines.

Another one I've got is

Embarrassment is half laughter half tears

not sure if that make sense to anyone

 

[Matt Greatorex]

Ok, gotta ask. Whats a nettle?

http://www.humboldtredwoods.org/florafauna.htm

 

[dt01pqt]

he has a face like a slapped arse

he has a face like he has been chasing parked cars

 

[dan-cat]

"Those are the kind of windows faces look in at." (Withnail & I - 1987)

 

[dt01pqt]

Ok, gotta ask. Whats a nettle?

or

This one cracked me up.!

It is this plant with microscopic barbs that a can sting badly. It depends on the nettle how bad, usually the smaller leaves near the top of the plant are the worst. Woodsmen use the Dock leaf plant against nettle stings and also as a natural antiseptic and dressing for small wounds. Nettles are actually quite good for you and harmless when cooked. Many people used to eat nettle soup. Some nutters actually have nettle eating competitions. They try to eat as many raw nettle leaves as possible.

 

[Matt Greatorex]

'He looks like someone came round to his house at Christmas and p*ssed on his kids.'

'She had a t-shirt on with "Guess" printed on it. I said "I don't know, thyroid problem?"'

'I said "It's dark, light a match". He said "I have". I said "Christ, that is dark"'

'So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it." '

'I saw a group of men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said "Are you going to help?" I said "No, Six should be enough".'

'My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.'

Tis better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved a tall.

 

[ShaneMan]

http://www.humboldtredwoods.org/florafauna.htm

Ok, I got it now. Dang that would be ugly!

 

[ShaneMan]

he has a face like a slapped arse

he has a face like he has been chasing parked cars

My best friends Dad is an old country boy. While we were visiting him, a few years back, we took him in town to buy some groceries. While in the store a really ugly guy came in and my friends Dad said, "Damn, that's an ugly SOB!" My friend said, "Dad, you should say that cause he can't help it." His Dad came back and said, "he could have stayed home where I wouldn't have to look at him!"

 

[Bodisathva]

not only did she fall out of the ugly tree, she must've hit every branch on the way down

 

[Mile-O]

or

She's got a face like a bulldog licking p*ss off a nettle.

or

Everyone has a right to be ugly but she's abusing the privilege.

etc.

Face like a melted welly;
Face like a half-chewed toffee;
Face like a pitbull chewing a wasp,

etc.

 

[ShaneMan]

Face like a melted welly;
Face like a half-chewed toffee;
Face like a pitbull chewing a wasp,
etc.

He looks like a half sucked Milk Dud

 

[Rich]

Used a one liner in the middle of answering on a thread about one liners. <thumbs up>

there were two actually

 

[ShaneMan]

there were two actually

true, but only one was funny.

 

[Rich]

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it

 

[ShaneMan]

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it

Another keeper. I like this one.

 

[Ron_dK]

Some more :

The only absolute knowledge attainable by man is that life is meaningless ( Unknown)

My advice to you is to get married if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher ( Socrates)

When you're in deep water, it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut!

Wagner's music is better than it sounds ( Twain)

Democratie zijn 3 wolven en een schaap die een voorgerecht kiezen.
(In english: democracy is three wolves and one sheep selecting an hors d’ouvre)