Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex

[ColinEssex]

You were originally CollinEssex then DaveP or something, now it's back to CollinEssex. In any case it's been a long circle jerk for all of us.

I have never been "CollinEssex". I was DaveP because I was banned under my regular name. I have 4 usernames and 4 different IP addresses and email. It's useful because Americans like to ban me, so I can still log in. I use my other names periodically just to keep them active.

Anything else you want to know?

Col

 

[ColinEssex]

You may have been on the forums for 20 years, but you didn't always have such a dark and dismal view on the world to share with us. I remember a different Col.

Yes Vass, I remember those days, good times, before the forums went downhill. Time and events can make one very bitter. I know I'm a pain - I'm sorry.

Col

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Time and events can make one very bitter. I know I'm a pain - I'm sorry.

Actually, dropping all pretense in this case, I am sorry as well. I have lived through times that made me incredibly bitter. I understand how easy it is to allow yourself to become a bit of a pain in the toches. I also understand that it leaves you in a situation where it is hard to drag yourself out of that bitterness. I am no longer where you are but I remember times when I was neck-deep in self-hatred, self-pity, and a desire for the world to just go away. I wish you luck in dragging yourself out of the bottom of that well.

Glad your wife got into a better situation where she could get the care she needs by folks trained for that job. That was one of the worst parts about being a primary caregiver for someone who needed round-the-clock service availability. The stress is probably why right about that time I went on an eating binge and gained a lot of weight that has probably been a primary contributor to my liver issues.

 

[ColinEssex]

Thanks Doc, I'm sorry you went through such a hard time, but for what it's worth, I think I can empathise.
My biggest hurdle to overcome, is guilt. Could I have been a better carer? I gave 24hrs a day to caring for Mary, but I still analyse what I did as a carer, am I a failure? No I don't think so, I did my very best.
However, Mary is now well looked after and we go out three times a week. She seems much happier and is quite content where she is (7 miles from Colchester)

My eternal thanks go to Essex County Council who's social work department arranged the whole thing. I admit I had some sort of breakdown but they couldn't have been better. I dread to think what might have been if they had not stepped in.

Over the years as a carer, I became very bitter - not to Mary but to anything I could, the big question is why can such a super gentle person be struck down, yet the low life's that kill and maim people are perfectly healthy. God is a vile arrogant pig.
I'm afraid my inherent anger was manifested in these forums, and I apologise for that. I know I upset dozens of members and they have a right to hate me. I don't ask for forgiveness- I hate me too.
Anyway, I feel better saying all that, thanks for being a mate.

Col

 

[NauticalGent]

For what’s it worth Colin, I don’t think anyone hates you, I know I don’t. There are better days to come...

 

[ColinEssex]

For what’s it worth Colin, I don’t think anyone hates you, I know I don’t. There are better days to come...

Thanks John, let's hope so.

At the moment I am quite happy doing my garden and designing new flower beds ready for next season. I can buy plants and watch them grow into things of beauty. I find people are a pain, so I quite enjoy going all day not seeing or speaking to anyone.

I suppose hate is a strong word. Maybe I mean dislike at times. I know I give Yanks a hard time, but in reality there's nothing wrong with America, it's just culturally different, sometimes I get intolerant about it. In fact tomorrow, me and Mary are off to McDonald's for lunch, we just love a McChicken sandwich and medium fries!

Col

 

[The_Doc_Man]

My biggest hurdle to overcome, is guilt. Could I have been a better carer? I gave 24hrs a day to caring for Mary, but I still analyse what I did as a carer, am I a failure? No I don't think so, I did my very best.

Oh, my trans-Atlantic friend, I am there with you. Every day I faced that same self-doubt and felt that same guilt that I wasn't doing enough. But in hindsight (usually 20-20), I realized that I was not a trained gerontologist or health-care worker, I was a desk jockey who took care of computers. The trick for me was to first realize that it was a matter of training that I didn't have and further, didn't have the time to get. Follow that with the issue having only so many hours in the day and having these little creature needs like sleep and food and a working toilet and the occasional bath. Plus that pesky requirement of having a job to be able to obtain the other things.

Social life? Oh, I wanted one - but I was, let's face it, a "crap" date because I could not stop worrying about whether I was doing enough. No woman would date me twice because I couldn't keep my mind on my partner of the moment. Then I felt guilty for wanting a social life because having one took away time from Mom. The therapist helped me to unravel the "catch-22" (after the Joseph Heller novel of that name) that I was in.

The resolution came with recognition that I was human and had limitations, thus needing to forgive myself for being human. Once you realize that you could never in three full lifetimes have amassed the skills needed for that job, you CAN forgive yourself.

I can also say now that I eventually got Mom to where she needed to be, not as fast as I had hoped but nonetheless fast enough to prevent a catastrophe. And I visited her six days a week (the 7th being therapy day) until the final end to it all. I can look in the mirror without disgust or regret because I was there for my loved one when she needed me. That is not so bad a realization.

I don't know if that helps you, DaveP or ColinEssex or WHATEVER name we should use, but if it lets you realize that others understand you and appreciate your plight, then perhaps that will be enough comfort for now.

 

[ColinEssex]

Thanks Doc for your insight.

I won't drone on again because it's boring for people. But I am much better psychologically now because I know Mary is in safe hands, yes I know the MS is slowly getting worse but am content now that we / I have done the best thing.

On a lighter note, it's great living alone, I can do what I want when I want. You may have guessed I'm keen on the garden and have done well there this year.
I've had 6 French female visitors staying throughout the summer which earns me a few pennies. Mary has met some of them.

As I said, it's boring for people so I'll shut up now.

Oh, just call me Col, all other names are for emergency use only!

Col

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Col, it sounds like you are healing emotionally from the trauma. The gardening activity sounds like a good way to be involved with aspects of living. For me, it was hobbyist writing because it allowed me to revisit certain emotional situations (by analogy) in the novels and dump my emotions to paper. Might not make the best reading, but it was cathartic. I'm sure Mary appreciates the results of the gardening when she sees it.

 

[NauticalGent]

One last thing I would like to contribute if you all will indulge me...

One of the best things about this forum, IMHO, is the fact that we have colorful members who are allowed to be who they are. We have parameters that get tested, but most of us color within the lines for the most part.

YOU, Col, are up front and center when it comes to the colorful members. Although you have “set your hook” in me a few times, I rather enjoy your rhetoric. That “half-caste” bit is a little over the top, I don’t even particularly care for her either but when you make remarks like that, I feel compelled to defend her...

You have always been like Howard Stern to a lot us us. Like you or dislike you, I always read your posts just to see what kind of excrement you’re going to stir up.

Stated differently, you are part of what makes this forum the BEST Access forum available - if others do not want to read your “stuff”, they have the option to not read it or block you. So...don’t even THINK about developing a kinder-gentler version of yourself or I will personally Ryan Air to jolly old England and thump you good...

 

[ColinEssex]

So...don’t even THINK about developing a kinder-gentler version of yourself..

WHAT?????

I really had to read that twice. I've never seen anyone post something like that. I've been banned about 4 times, I've been told I am............well, let's just say the posters were angry and used language I wouldn't use. I'm sure I upset more people than like me - I upset you, AB, Doc, Frothy etc etc. Yet you say a comment like that. . . . .

At the moment I'm lost for words.

Col

 

[NauticalGent]

At the moment I'm lost for words.

Then I have done AWF a service then! Not to worry, it won’t last long, of that I am certain...

 

[isladogs]

NG
I laughed out loud when I read your comment.
I think it may be too late.
You've earned only the second set of thanks Col E has given in 20 odd years.

Col
Must be the healing powers of gardening methinks.
Personally I think a slightly kinder gentler version of you would be an acceptable middle ground

 

[NauticalGent]

You've earned only the second set of thanks Col E has given in 20 odd years.

It’s all about quality vs quantity...

 

[The_Doc_Man]

You know, John, I think I've heard many guys use variations on that line many times though not necessarily in the same context.

 

[ColinEssex]

"Golddigger" is entirely unjustified. Meghan was a successful, independent businesswoman and acquired her own fortune long before meeting the 'royals'. .

Look, we all know that she is American. We also know Americans worship money, second only to guns. Just look at the clown in the White House if you doubt me. It makes no difference to Yanks how much money they have, they always want more.
That's what the gold digger is doing mingling with our Royal Family before it turns sour and they get divorced, a bit like Fergie actually.

Col

 

[NauticalGent]

The bloom is off the rose.

Yes!! All is right in the world...

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Excuse me, Col, but love of money isn't exclusive to the USA. Did you honestly think that the British East India Company was altruistic?

 

[ColinEssex]

Excuse me, Col, but love of money isn't exclusive to the USA. Did you honestly think that the British East India Company was altruistic?

We were also doing very well transporting slaves 'till the do gooders kicked up a fuss and spoilt all the fun. Cities like Bristol and Liverpool were built on the back of slavery.

Col

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Better be careful admitting that. The next thing you know, your side of the pond will ALSO be target of calls for reparations for the slave trade.