USA Holiday - Father's Day

[The_Doc_Man]

To all of you out there who are fathers, grandfathers, or even higher generations, I salute you. Sunday, June 16, 2019 is the USA Holiday celebrating fathers. (3rd Sunday in June.)

It takes a certain amount of courage, patience, and love to bring a child into the world (and let's not discount Mother's Day, which was last month but I didn't happen to post that one, because you DO need to have a mother involved to make that baby...)

I never knew my grandfathers. Both died before I was born, and my father suffered difficulties from not having a stable, adult male in his life because his father died young in a construction accident. My dad stayed with me even though there were rocky moments in my parents' marriage.

I married so late in life that I have no blood heirs - but I became a stepfather and found out soon enough what parenting was like because within a year of marriage, I became a grandfather. Watching little ones grow into big folks is a huge trip, and you just hope you didn't make too many mistakes along the way. So far, based on my two local grandsons, I think I did OK, though only time will tell.

I also give credit to my stepson for raising two boys with love, discipline, and a sense of right & wrong, even in the midst of a nasty divorce. He managed to assure the boys that they were loved and that they would not be abandoned despite some difficult times. They seem to have gotten the message because they are good kids.

Dads out there... you've made many sacrifices, but the generation that follows you will hopefully know they were loved. Wherever you are, even if not in the USA, Happy Father's Day.

 

[Deleted member 147267]

Thank you for that wonderful message.
As the father of 4 boys and grandfather to 6, I see Fathers Day as the one day set aside to honor those who tried their best, regardless of how poor of a job they did. While mine seem to think the world of me, and all are law-abiding citizens who love and take care of their own and don't seem to have a mean or prejudicial bone in their body, I never feel as though I did enough or deserve so much of their admiration. The most satisfaction seems to come from watching them carry on the traditions that my wife and I instituted when they were growing up.

 

[deletedT]

and you just hope you didn't make too many mistakes along the way.

God knows I wasn't like one of those great fathers in the movies for my two sons. And no matter how hard I tried and am trying to be, but am far from it. I made too many big mistakes that I'm not proud of them, too many wrong decisions. Spending 20 hours a day on two jobs (day & night) to be able to pay for their educational expenses was the whole thing I could do as a father.

Now sitting in the sofa watching them, 2 PHD graduated grown men discussing something that I can't even understand what they're talking about, I try to make myself believe I did the right thing. But God knows I wasn't there when they needed me.
I was sitting in my office and doing my job when they needed someone to talk to. And this pain is killing me.

 

[NauticalGent]

Tera,

Without knowing anymore than you have shared, I feel that because they are even talking to you means if they felt at any time you needed to be forgiven, they have already done so.

Maybe it is time you forgive yourself...?

Doc, as usual, great message...

 

[Deleted member 147267]

@Tera - I know what you're talking about.

Don't mistake that for "I know what you're feeling" because no one can when they say that.

I think many of the best fathers feel inadequate in one way or another, which is what makes them so great. But I would bet that our kids do not look back on their life with our eyes, even if what we think or say is 100% accurate. They probably would have no idea of what you're on about or what you're putting yourself through. I hesitate to give you advice, but if you come clean with them about how you feel about the situation and how you feel about how you measure up in your own eyes, I think there can be only 2 outcomes. Either

- they will agree with you and remove any doubt about how they might look back on their life. In that case you won't have to wonder anymore and at the same time, gain a mutual understanding, acceptance and forgiveness, OR

- they will say "what the hell are you talking about?" and proceed to tell you how great you were (especially for the sacrifice you made) and how much of a positive effect it had on their life.

I think the best thing you can do is get it off your chest. The worst thing you can do is leave it to your last moments - assuming you would even have that chance.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

I think many of the best fathers feel inadequate in one way or another, which is what makes them so great.

I agree. It is exactly that attitude of uncertainty that makes you continue to strive for the good result. By never believing you've done quite enough, you don't stop. And there is where the difference comes in between a great dad and a not-so-great dad. It is that difference exemplified in the song "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUwjNBjqR-c

For some reason this song always gets to me.

But I would bet that our kids do not look back on their life with our eyes

I am reminded of the poem by Robert Burns, "to a Louse," that includes a line that says,

"O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!"

(Oh, would some power, the gift to give us
to see ourselves as other see us.)

Sometimes, if you look closely enough, you see yourself through those other eyes. Like when you are watching TV and suddenly one of the grandsons comes up and snuggles next to you, reading a book but suddenly comfortable with his head on your lap.

One of my favorite movies is Wreck-It Ralph - an animated film about a game character who is always tired of being the villain in his game, so tries to be a hero by going into another game to win a medal. In the close of the movie, Ralph resolves his personal issues at his Bad-Anon chapter (attended by all of the game villains in the arcade.) To paraphrase his closing quote, "If (a) little kid likes me, I can't be all bad."

 

[Wayne]

Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin strikes terror in the hearts of fathers everywhere!

Happy Father's Day all.

Wayne

 

[Steve R.]

Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin strikes terror in the hearts of fathers everywhere!

Quite True. Had a very good Father's Day.

 

[AccessBlaster]

Happy Father's day 2020!

Cheers

 

[Steve R.]

All 4 kids (though the youngest is 29) dutifully checked-in by phone. One of our favorite restaurants reopened in the near past, so my wife and I had a really good lunch. Happy Father's day to all.

 

[Deleted member 147267]

I tried twice to start a thread today. but nothing I started seemed worthy of my sentiments. Steve, then your post shows up and I opened this thread and it opened to Doc Man's post and I thought, ''boy, am I glad I didn't because Doc said it so eloquently". Surprise, because I soon saw that this is a year old now and it was great to revisit what was written. Have to wonder though if @Tera ever got that load off of his chest. I hope so.

Steve - me too. Four boys and every one of them honoured Dad today. I don't need a tangible gift - all I long for is their words of best wishes for the day.

 

[NauticalGent]

No boys, but two wonderful daughters who spent the day with me...life is good!

 

[deletedT]

Have to wonder though if @Tera ever got that load off of his chest.

During this past year, I learnt to be softer on myself. The more I thought about it, the more I was sure I couldn't change what's done. I learnt how to think less about my mistakes, and be better now.
Looking into their eyes, thinking about the way they talk to me or the way they hug me in my birthday and other occasions, made me think either I've been forgiven or they never felt the way I thought they would.

Now, all I think about and what worries me more is how to be better. Instead of being trapped on how I was.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

@Tera - I see that you somehow felt that you had erred during parenting. I learned a tough lesson a long time ago. The first thing you have to do as a parent is to forgive yourself for any mistakes you might have made. You are, after all, human. (OK, I'm guessing since I can't actually see you... )

I had to learn to forgive my father for a whole boat-load of harsh treatment. Not brutal corporal punishment, but incessant pressure to continue with my studies. Incessant pressure to make me feel that I wasn't good enough. I could never please him. I was in an honors society at school. I won a partial college scholarship through the National Merit Scholarship program. It was rough. However, two things happened to change our relationship for the better. First, I earned my Ph.D. in 1975. When that happened, dad rolled back the pressure. Second, about five years after that, I went on a business trip to Lake Charles, Louisiana, where I had some cousins and an uncle. We had dinner together one night and he told me the truth about my grandmother and the things my dad had to do to take care of her.

My dad had been forced out of school after the 8th grade because my grandfather passed away and my two uncles had long ago moved out to start their own lives - but dear old dad was still at home. Granddad had left New Orleans to find work as a civil engineer and sent Granny money once per month. He died in a construction accident in Seattle, and suddenly Granny had no income so it was up to my father to be the breadwinner in the family. My uncle made it plain that my grandmother was very close to useless. In modern terms, we would call her a "flake" or worse. But my dad took care of his mother. He did so as a person with incredibly limited education. Too many doors slammed shut in his face when they saw his transcript. He didn't even get a G.E.D. until he was in his fifties. He was pushing me to get an education so that I would not have to meet the challenges he had faced as a young man.

My uncle explained it all to me. And with that knowledge came understanding. I could forgive dad for all of the conflicts. I could recognize how hard he had to work and how much of a back-breaking struggle it was. I realized that he was doing it out of love even though he could easily have just walked away. But he didn't grow up with that particular ethical profile. He wasn't a quitter.

The lesson I learned was simple, and I helped him come to grips with it before he died. When you do what seems (at the time) to be the right thing to do, you cannot go back and torture yourself. You do what you must do when you must do it for reasons that are visible when you do that something. Remember, hindsight is always both more accurate - and more deadly. You torture yourself today for what you did a long time ago - because you have information now that you did not have before. If you are going to torture yourself, remember to consider what you KNEW, not what you KNOW.

The secret to forgiving yourself is to contemplate your past actions in a past context. One of mankind's worst failings is unwarrented self-criticism. It is OK to learn from your mistakes, but it is NOT at all OK to beat yourself up over what happens when you work with incomplete information. As you said, you cannot do anything about the past. As we grow older, we grow wiser. If we grow in a way that lets us recognize WHY things happened then perhaps forgiveness of self is within us.

 

[deletedT]

@The_Doc_Man I don't know why I like reading every word you post over and over. And no body can even guess how your and @Micron's comments were comforting. I really appreciate it.

 

[AccessBlaster]

Happy Father's Day 2021

Cheers

 

[conception_native_0123]

you DO need to have a mother involved to make that baby...)

you DO!? happy father's day to all. my father's birthday is also today.

 

[Steve R.]

For Father's day, my wife got a card as if it were from one of my daughters. "Some Psychologists say a Dad can be one of the most important elements in the formation of a child's character. ... In other words I'm mostly your fault,"

The from one of my daughters. "I may not be a perfect child, but look on the bright side .... at least I'm not mailing this from prison."

Happy Father's day to all.

 

[conception_native_0123]

"I may not be a perfect child, but look on the bright side .... at least I'm not mailing this from prison.

now THAT is good! ha ha

are you sure that wasn't supposed to say "old fart" instead of "evil bastard"?

 

[Steve R.]

Quite sure.