What's your best/worst joke? (10 Viewers)

[Dick7Access]

Christian Home
After a baby dedication at church one Sunday evening, Jason sat in the back seat of the car and sobbed all the way home. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally Jason replied, "The preacher said that he wanted children to be brought up in Christian homes, but I want to stay with you guys!"

 

[Dick7Access]

IF YOU MARRY AN ALABAMA GIRL……
Three friends married women from different parts of the Southeast.
The first man married a woman from Florida . He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Georgia . He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Alabama . He ordered her to
keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he goes to the bathroom.

 

[NigelShaw]

The Irish Olympic fencing team got all confused.....
The arrived with 50 posts, 300 metres of ship lap timber and 2 tins of creosote!

The Chinese badminton team were finally disqualified.... Chi ting fook and nei to hi are said to be annoyed.

The annual camping and caravaning convention got a bit heated today police reported, its calm now but earlier it was said to be intense...... (think about it lol)

I was sure that my wife was suffering from tourettes so I took her to see the doctor. It turns out that I am a c#nt, and a f#cking w@nker.......

The Heinz factory was broken into by a pack of loose dogs last night and the secret salad cream recipe was stolen. The police say they have a few leads and are currently looking into other sources (sauces)

Cheers



Sent from my OMNIA7 using Board Express

 

[Rabbie]

I received an email today from a young, attractive Russian girl who wants me to fly her over to the UK so that we can get married. I'm not falling for that one though.

She's just after the money I won yesterday on the Ugandan Lottery.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: New Glasses

A woman walks into the optometry store to return a pair of eyeglasses
she had purchased the week before.

"What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" the optometrist inquired.

"Well, I bought these glasses for my husband last week and they're
just not working," the woman complained.

"Perhaps the lab made an error in filling the prescription."

"I'm sure they must have," the woman confirmed. "My husband's still
not seeing things my way."

 

[NigelShaw]

A woman walks into an opticians. "hi, I think these glasses are broken" she says to lady. "me too" said the lady. "I don't work here, and this is the bakers"!

Sent from my OMNIA7 using Board Express

 

[Dick7Access]

A woman walks into an opticians. "hi, I think these glasses are broken" she says to lady. "me too" said the lady. "I don't work here, and this is the bakers"!

Sent from my OMNIA7 using Board Express

that's good

 

[NigelShaw]

The local mining village football team, "Quarry united" won yesterday 2-1 on aggregate!

 

[Jacob Mathai]

I was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my friend. He finally said I don't follow you.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Girl said : I think the poorest people are the happiest. Boy replied : Then marry me, we will the happiest couple.

Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say "Are you gonna drink that?"

What do call two birds in with love? Tweet hearts.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

 

[Big Pat]

Mary comes home to Belfast after years in London and gives her mother a present of a brand new fur coat, a diamond necklace for her sister and some flash designer gear for her brother.
"Mary, you must be doing very well in London", says her mother, "What line of work did you say you were in?"
"Oh, I became a prostitute", says Mary. "It pays very well, but I've decided enough is enough and I'm going to change my ways".
"A prostitute?" roars her father. "We're a good Catholic family and we didn't raise you to be a prostitute. Get out of this house and never come back. You can't just change your ways after being a prostitute."
"But Dad, I have a gift for you too. I made enough money to buy you a brand new Mercedes. It's parked outside."
"I don't care. I'll never drive a .... Wait, what did you say you became in London?"
"A prostitute Dad", admits Mary shamefully.
"Oh thank God for that", says her father. "For a minute there I thought you said 'Protestant'."

 

[Big Pat]

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."

The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll
replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."

They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.

The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

It's WINDOWS. "Close all the WINDOWS...".

 

[Jacob Mathai]

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Webster

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit
down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would
start to say something, his wife would say, "And what's that
supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Cop wants an excuse

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

 

[Lightwave]

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Lets play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting."One … Two. Three"
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square.
He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts. "Ready or not - here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him.
He says, "I found you Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter - You found Pascal!"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal,
its throat is very small.

The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

"Then you can ask him"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Not Hanging Around

O'Reilly was in a bit of a fix. He was filling in an insurance form
and was asked to state how his parents had died. His mother was not a
problem, she had died of a coronary at the age of 71, but his father
had been hanged for murder at the age of 46.

He did not want to say this, though, so after a bit of thought came
up with a solution and filled in the form:

"My father died at the age of 46 when a platform collapsed at a
public occasion."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Magna Carta

A bus full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the
barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Darn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Babysitting

I was not thrilled with the idea of letting my clueless 13-year-old
son babysit his younger brothers, even though he begged me to.

"What about a fire?" I asked, referring to my No. 1 concern.

"Mom," he said, rolling his eyes, "I'm a Boy Scout. I know how to
start a fire."

 

[alibaz]

My fave...

What do you call a spider in the world of forensic medicine?
An incy-wincy-quincy

That always cheers me up

Plus - theres a lift I often travel in that always makes me smile. Its not made by Otis, but by Schindler .... so ... yes, its Schindlers Lift !!!!!