Dick7Access
Dick S
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McDonald's facing ketchup shortage in Argentina
Obama sends John Heinz Kerry to investigate.
Obama sends John Heinz Kerry to investigate.
What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter Fornatian
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Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Pieces of Pie
Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and
as a result, they seldom had guests. Johnny was eager
to help his mother after his father appeared with two
dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to
the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of
apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to
a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of
pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a
guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's
no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and
as a result, they seldom had guests. Johnny was eager
to help his mother after his father appeared with two
dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to
the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of
apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to
a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of
pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a
guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's
no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Explanation
When my daughter was about 9-years-old I became pregnant again. Of
course, she wanted to know how it happened, so I gave what I
considered an appropriate explanation of the process.
She asked, "Did you do that to get me?"
I said "yes," and she responded, "And you did it again?"
When my daughter was about 9-years-old I became pregnant again. Of
course, she wanted to know how it happened, so I gave what I
considered an appropriate explanation of the process.
She asked, "Did you do that to get me?"
I said "yes," and she responded, "And you did it again?"
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Plane Guilt
I was flying with my husband and two-month-old
daughter to Kansas for a family wedding and met up
with my father on a connecting flight.
He was sitting in business class and felt guilty
because we were in coach. To compensate, Dad made
his way to the back of the plane after take off,
bringing with him some first-class goodies and
taking my fidgety daughter up front with him for
a few minutes.
Just then, a woman behind me, who had seen the whole
thing, leaned forward and asked, "Did you just trade
that baby for a couple of packs of pretzels and
some cookies?"
I was flying with my husband and two-month-old
daughter to Kansas for a family wedding and met up
with my father on a connecting flight.
He was sitting in business class and felt guilty
because we were in coach. To compensate, Dad made
his way to the back of the plane after take off,
bringing with him some first-class goodies and
taking my fidgety daughter up front with him for
a few minutes.
Just then, a woman behind me, who had seen the whole
thing, leaned forward and asked, "Did you just trade
that baby for a couple of packs of pretzels and
some cookies?"
Dick7Access
Dick S
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THE PORCH
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra
money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman"
and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How
much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything
she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave
it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it
to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra
money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman"
and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How
much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything
she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave
it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it
to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Dick7Access
Dick S
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After standing in line at the DMV (Dept of Motor
Vehicles) for what felt like eons, my brother
finally got to the counter.
As the clerk typed his name into the computer,
she said, "That's odd."
"What's wrong?" James asked.
"My computer says you're deceased,"
Surveying his surroundings, James muttered,
"Great. I died and went to hell."
Vehicles) for what felt like eons, my brother
finally got to the counter.
As the clerk typed his name into the computer,
she said, "That's odd."
"What's wrong?" James asked.
"My computer says you're deceased,"
Surveying his surroundings, James muttered,
"Great. I died and went to hell."
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Buying a CD
I walked into the music store to buy a CD of
Rachmaninoff's Second Piano Concerto.
I found the Hiphop, R&B, Country and Jazz sections,
but no area where I might look for Rachmaninoff.
"Excuse me," I said to a young store clerk. "Do you
have a classical section?"
After a brief hesitation, he asked, "You mean...like Elvis?"
I walked into the music store to buy a CD of
Rachmaninoff's Second Piano Concerto.
I found the Hiphop, R&B, Country and Jazz sections,
but no area where I might look for Rachmaninoff.
"Excuse me," I said to a young store clerk. "Do you
have a classical section?"
After a brief hesitation, he asked, "You mean...like Elvis?"
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Speeding Pilot
A sky-diver and the pilot of his plane were driving
to a jump zone when they were pulled over by a police
officer for speeding.
The officer approached the car and jokingly asked for
a pilot's license and flight plan. These were promptly
passed over to him.
His face expressed amazement, then amusement. "I always
knew one day I'd get caught with that line," and he let
them go with a warning.
A sky-diver and the pilot of his plane were driving
to a jump zone when they were pulled over by a police
officer for speeding.
The officer approached the car and jokingly asked for
a pilot's license and flight plan. These were promptly
passed over to him.
His face expressed amazement, then amusement. "I always
knew one day I'd get caught with that line," and he let
them go with a warning.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Doctor Treatment
Suffering with a herniated disk in his back,
my husband told his cousin that a well-respected
doctor was treating him.
His cousin asked the name of the doctor, and on
hearing it, he replied, "I never heard of him,
that's a good sign."
(The cousin is a medical-malpractice attorney.)
Suffering with a herniated disk in his back,
my husband told his cousin that a well-respected
doctor was treating him.
His cousin asked the name of the doctor, and on
hearing it, he replied, "I never heard of him,
that's a good sign."
(The cousin is a medical-malpractice attorney.)
SmallTomato
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Why do crows sit on telephone lines?
They are making long distance caws.
They are making long distance caws.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim. It sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.” The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother — he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says. The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?” The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.” The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother — he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says. The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?” The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
Dick7Access
Dick S
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A new report suggests that being overweight
is not as harmful as is commonly believed,
and actually confers some surprising benefits.
Being five to ten pounds overweight could
protect people from ailments ranging from
tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research
indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds
are better able to recover from adverse conditions
such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various
injuries and infections, states the report.
Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend
off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and
colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the
scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness,
cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight
people are happier, more successful in business,
smarter, and friendlier.
The study was funded by a research grant from
McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box,
Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs,
Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.
is not as harmful as is commonly believed,
and actually confers some surprising benefits.
Being five to ten pounds overweight could
protect people from ailments ranging from
tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research
indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds
are better able to recover from adverse conditions
such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various
injuries and infections, states the report.
Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend
off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and
colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the
scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness,
cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight
people are happier, more successful in business,
smarter, and friendlier.
The study was funded by a research grant from
McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box,
Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs,
Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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Many Chimps have escaped from a Kansas City Zoo. Zoo officials say they have all climbed into a large barrel, and they seem to being having a lot of fun!!
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/04/1...s-city-zoo-authorities-say/?intcmp=latestnews
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/04/1...s-city-zoo-authorities-say/?intcmp=latestnews
kevlray
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Actually the story I heard is that a chimp broke off a 6 foot piece of branch and used it as a ladder. The interesting part of the store. The chimp tried to get other chimps to escape, only two others went with him. FYI: I have been to the KC zoo. The chimps have a large area where they can climb trees and romp through the grass.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Ain't Broke
Most people believe that "if it
ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "if it
ain't broke," it doesn't have
enough features yet.
Most people believe that "if it
ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "if it
ain't broke," it doesn't have
enough features yet.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: What Kind Of Pie?
One outraged college student stomped up to the
lunch line at the cafeteria, holding a plate
with a piece of pie on it."This is disgusting!" he
exclaimed. "What kind of pie do you call this?!"
The lunch lady calmly put down her ladle, looked
him in the eye and snarled, "And just what does
it taste like?"
"It tastes like cardboard and rubber cement!" the
student cried.
Lunch Lady thinks a moment, then replies, "That
must be the apple. The cherry pie tastes like
stale crackers and soap."
One outraged college student stomped up to the
lunch line at the cafeteria, holding a plate
with a piece of pie on it."This is disgusting!" he
exclaimed. "What kind of pie do you call this?!"
The lunch lady calmly put down her ladle, looked
him in the eye and snarled, "And just what does
it taste like?"
"It tastes like cardboard and rubber cement!" the
student cried.
Lunch Lady thinks a moment, then replies, "That
must be the apple. The cherry pie tastes like
stale crackers and soap."
kevlray
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I thought that is what the marketing people did, and of course they want the engineers to put it in.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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I had a course in college, advertising 101, I am supposing it could parallel marketing. One assignment was to take an old product, change it's name, change it's color, put bell where whistle use to be, and whistle were bell use to be and call it new and improved. according to our instructor (stright out of Madison Ave,) it works. His case in point was striped toothpaste. Same ingredients, but in different colors. Big seller.
