What's your best/worst joke?
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Hayley Baxter
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I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F-Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F-Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Mile-O
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- Women's nipples work.
- It's harder for women to splash wee down their trousers - but not impossible.
- Women don't get their genitals stuck in their flies.
- When women buy a vibrator, it's glamorous. When blokes buy blow up dolls, it's sad.
- Women's orgasms last longer
- Women have maternity leave - six months paid holiday (and all they have to do is have a baby).
- Women can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old gits.
- For women, circumcision is not an option.
- Women can make the men in accounts blush by discussing their sex lives in the lift.
- Women don't go bald after their 26th birthdays.
- Women don't grow nose hair.
- If women are going to be gay, they get to be lesbians.
- Women have total control over our eyebrows.
- It's cool for a woman to be a daddy's girl. Mummy's boys, however, are quite strange and probably scary.
- Women don't sulk for a fortnight when caught incorrectly identifying actors from obscure 70s detective programs.
- Women can watch The Fast Show without having to memorize the script to impress work colleagues the following Monday.
- Chili tolerance is not a measure of women's social worth (although that's not to say we don't love a curry).
- Women have these three words: "John", "Wayne" and "Bobbitt"
Mile-O
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An uncle of mine in the RAF fought in the Falklands war, and returned to the UK in a transport plane, along with some female RAF staff. On landing back in Britain, the pilot announced over the intercom; 'Ladies and Gentlemen, we have now landed back in Britain, and Ladies; this means that you are now ugly again.'
R
Rich
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Why is it still practised in some cultures then?
andy_dyer
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Not wanting to remove the fun out of this thread...
Is support of Rich, this links is for those who've never heard of female circumcision...
nhttp://www.religioustolerance.org/fem_cirm.htm
It's not for the faint hearted!!
Is support of Rich, this links is for those who've never heard of female circumcision...
nhttp://www.religioustolerance.org/fem_cirm.htm
It's not for the faint hearted!!
andy_dyer
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Back to the Sexist Jokes!!
Why dogs are better than women:
1. Dogs like it when you leave the seat up
2. Dogs always let you have the remote
3. Dogs don't mind when you fart
4. Dogs never mean "Let's go shopping", when they ask to go out
5. Dogs don't make you throw out your old sweatshirt
6. Dogs don't complain when you leave your clothes on the floor
7. Dogs don't mind when you drop food on the oriental rug
8. Dogs can be trained to get a beer without complaining
9. "Snoop womany woman" sounds stupid
10. Dogs like it when your buddies come over to watch football
11. Dogs don't care if you watch 2 hockey games at once
12. Dogs don't mind when you have another dog or 2 sharing the same bed
13. Dogs don't retain water
14. Dogs don't require you to go to the store for special cravings
15. Dogs will kiss you even if you've ignored them for a while
16. Dogs don't slap you when you say "Fetch"
17. Dogs like it when you rub them in public
18. Bitch is a term of endearment for female dogs
19. Dogs don't require nearly as much primping to go out
Why women are better than dogs:
1. Women moan when you rub the right spot, dogs just knock stuff off the coffee table
2. Women don't have cold noses
3. "Doggy Style" is a lot more fun with a woman
4. Women don't urinate on the floor from excitement when you get home
5. Women smell nice when they're wet
6. Women, wow, I don't think about dogs that way
Funny, but both women and dogs give you that quizzical look when you start talking...........
Why dogs are better than women:
1. Dogs like it when you leave the seat up
2. Dogs always let you have the remote
3. Dogs don't mind when you fart
4. Dogs never mean "Let's go shopping", when they ask to go out
5. Dogs don't make you throw out your old sweatshirt
6. Dogs don't complain when you leave your clothes on the floor
7. Dogs don't mind when you drop food on the oriental rug
8. Dogs can be trained to get a beer without complaining
9. "Snoop womany woman" sounds stupid
10. Dogs like it when your buddies come over to watch football
11. Dogs don't care if you watch 2 hockey games at once
12. Dogs don't mind when you have another dog or 2 sharing the same bed
13. Dogs don't retain water
14. Dogs don't require you to go to the store for special cravings
15. Dogs will kiss you even if you've ignored them for a while
16. Dogs don't slap you when you say "Fetch"
17. Dogs like it when you rub them in public
18. Bitch is a term of endearment for female dogs
19. Dogs don't require nearly as much primping to go out
Why women are better than dogs:
1. Women moan when you rub the right spot, dogs just knock stuff off the coffee table
2. Women don't have cold noses
3. "Doggy Style" is a lot more fun with a woman
4. Women don't urinate on the floor from excitement when you get home
5. Women smell nice when they're wet
6. Women, wow, I don't think about dogs that way
Funny, but both women and dogs give you that quizzical look when you start talking...........
Hayley Baxter
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Why Dogs are better than Men
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs don't care whether or not you shave your legs.
Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Dogs don't weigh down your handbag with their stuff.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs appreciate your cooking.
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs admit it when they're jealous.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs don't care whether or not you shave your legs.
Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Dogs don't weigh down your handbag with their stuff.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs appreciate your cooking.
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs admit it when they're jealous.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
Last edited:
R
Rich
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they're used to eating crap, sorry scraps
Hayley Baxter
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What he says..what he means continued
"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
Jacob Mathai
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Hay, you are doing good on this thread.
Very interesting!!
Very interesting!!
R
Rich
Guest
andy_dyer said:Oi Jacob!!
She's a tricky one this Baxter woman!!
And somewhat misguided
Hayley Baxter
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andy_dyer said:Oi Jacob!!
Stop siding with the women!!
She's a tricky one this Baxter woman!!
If you can't beat us doesn't it make sense to join us?
R
Rich
Guest
Hayley Baxter said:
If you can't beat us doesn't it make sense to join us?
In what exactly
MattS
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Bullforgs & Blowj*bs
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well", said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month", he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your out of here!"
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well", said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month", he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your out of here!"
andy_dyer
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To My Dear Wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.
1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54 times
2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . .49 times
4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20 times
5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times
8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 itmes
9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 times
11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . 17 times
13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . .6 times
14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 times
15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 times
17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19 times
Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To My Dear Husband,
I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.
1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat. . . . . .15 times
2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 times
3. Did not come. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 times
4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times
7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . .29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . 4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . 3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . 3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . .2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . .16 times
15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.
1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54 times
2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . .49 times
4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20 times
5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times
8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 itmes
9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 times
11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . 17 times
13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . .6 times
14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 times
15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 times
17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19 times
Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To My Dear Husband,
I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.
1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat. . . . . .15 times
2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 times
3. Did not come. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 times
4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times
7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . .29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . 4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . 3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . 3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . .2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . .16 times
15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!
