What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[Hayley Baxter]

another lesson learnt there then Brian its pointless bloody trying, better to let them think they've won then they'll be quiet for a while.

That's what you think

 

[ColinEssex]

That's what you think

it usually works

 

[Hayley Baxter]

it usually works

Well it's not working very well today is it? Need to find a new tactic

Man & His Wife
A guy and his wife were speeding down the interstate when a state cop pulls him over. The man says, "What's the problem officer?

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you were going 80." Man gives his wife a dirty look.

Officer: "I will also give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for months." Man gives his wife a dirty look.

Officer: "I will also give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells, "Bitch, shut your damn mouth"

The Officer turns to the woman and says, "Ma'm,does your husband talk to you this way all the time?? Wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

 

[ColinEssex]

When most men are feeling ill they just soldier on and put up with it. Whereas women resort to bleating on about it and popping paracetamols like smarties.

Col

 

[FoFa]

Things Guys Learned From Action Movies
No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
And your point?
To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
Or naked.
If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
Well DAH!

 

[Vassago]

A Little Humor

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[Neo "The One"]

*groan*

A little funny mind. I can imagine the look on her face! LOL!

 

[WayneRyan]

vassago,

Its a good thing that you isolated that in its own thread!

Wayne

 

[Mile-O]

Its a good thing that you isolated that in its own thread!

Whatch'you talkin' 'bout, Willis?

 

[andy_dyer]

Blimey!!

Work hard for a few days and come back to find another few pages of male bashing jokes!!!

Hales you really are surpassing yourself...

Must find myself new source of female bashing jokes!!!

I'll be back...

 

[Mile-O]

Must find myself new source of female bashing jokes!!!

You need a source?

Our Hayley just makes them up with her superior (for a girl) wit.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Well you'll have until the new year to find some more Andy...I've decided to stop bashing the males for a bit (since it's christmas and all) so make the most of the peace Having said that if you start posting some more anti female jokes - I may have to re-consider

 

[KKilfoil]

Hayley, that sounded like a challenge...


... 80,000 women meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Women Are Not Stupid” Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that women are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A woman gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then 80,000 women start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

 

[KKilfoil]

... A blonde steps into an elevator, smiles at the man already on, and says," T-G-I-F."
The man smiles and says," S-H-I-T."
The blonde smiles back and replies," T-G-I-F."
The man again smiles and says," S-H-I-T."
The blonde looks confused. She answers the man, and says, "Thank goodness its Friday."
The man smiles and replies, "Sorry honey, its Thursday."

 

[KKilfoil]

... A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become tangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when.................
...................the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

 

[KKilfoil]

. Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

 

[KKilfoil]

.. It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your chest," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and
pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"

 

[KKilfoil]

... A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

 

[KKilfoil]

... There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,

"Okay... who's phone is this?"

 

[KKilfoil]

How many times do cow's mate a year?
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."