What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[Oldsoftboss]

Great news.

Just received this email. About time a bit of luck came my way....

Dear Winner,
Winning Notification

This is to notify you that you have won £850,000.00 GBP inour online email lottery in which e-mail addresses are picked randomly by computerised balloting, powered by the Internet. Your email address was amongst those chosen for this period.
Ticket no: 56475600545 188
Serial no: 5368/02
Winning number: 08.11.21.32.35.42. {47}
Draw (#1187)To claim your prize, please contact:
Fiduciary Agent Mr.Brian Adams
Tel: +447031947860 or +447031947861
Email: uknlclaimsdepartmnt@hotmail.co.uk with your Name, Full Address, Country, Gender, Occupation and Phone.

Yours faithfully,
Dr. Pieter H. Blood


Lucky Me

 

[EmmaJane]

Great news.

Just received this email. About time a bit of luck came my way....

Dear Winner,
Winning Notification

This is to notify you that you have won £850,000.00 GBP inour online email lottery in which e-mail addresses are picked randomly by computerised balloting, powered by the Internet. Your email address was amongst those chosen for this period.
Ticket no: 56475600545 188
Serial no: 5368/02
Winning number: 08.11.21.32.35.42. {47}
Draw (#1187)To claim your prize, please contact:
Fiduciary Agent Mr.Brian Adams
Tel: +447031947860 or +447031947861
Email: uknlclaimsdepartmnt@hotmail.co.uk with your Name, Full Address, Country, Gender, Occupation and Phone.

Yours faithfully,
Dr. Pieter H. Blood


Lucky Me

Lucky you… have you decided what to spend it on


I think may luck may also be changing as some bloke from Nigeria wants to put some money in my account and just for that he said I could have 10%

 

[Fifty2One]

Great news.

Just received this email. About time a bit of luck came my way....

Dear Winner,
Winning Notification

This is to notify you that you have won £850,000.00 GBP inour online email lottery in which e-mail addresses are picked randomly by computerised balloting, powered by the Internet. Your email address was amongst those chosen for this period.
Ticket no: 56475600545 188
Serial no: 5368/02
Winning number: 08.11.21.32.35.42. {47}
Draw (#1187)To claim your prize, please contact:
Fiduciary Agent Mr.Brian Adams
Tel: +447031947860 or +447031947861
Email: uknlclaimsdepartmnt@hotmail.co.uk with your Name, Full Address, Country, Gender, Occupation and Phone.

Yours faithfully,
Dr. Pieter H. Blood


Lucky Me

A lucky person comes home in a beyond happy mood and starts yelling at the spouse
START PACKING A SUITCASE - I JUST WON THE LOTTERY
caught up in the moment the spouse answeres back
SHOULD I PACK FOR A TROPICAL PLACE OR FOR ADVENTURE
the lotto winner replies
I DONT GIVE A *$@* JUST PACK AND GET THE HELL OUT

 

[Golfer]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

 

[Oldsoftboss]

My apprentice asked me this morning...

Q. Did you hear about the baker that had smell hands?

A. He kneaded a shit.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

careers

Three women were bragging about the careers of their sons.

First woman: My son is a doctor. He makes 300K dollars an year.

Second woman: My son is a lawyer in LA. He makes 500K an year.

Third woman: My son is a Sports repairman. He makes 1 Million an year.

"What does he do as a Sports repairman?", the other women asked.

"He fixes games like football, basketball etc."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Election politics

Political candidate speaks: "My opponent supports the big drug companies. I only support the small drug dealer."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

'If you elect me, I will solve the unemployment problem."

"How?"

" I will be employed."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

puzzle

Q:"What has 80 feet and 2 teeth?"

A: "Front row of Willie Nelson concert."

 

[scott-atkinson]

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE MARRIED!!

Three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and
decide to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over
their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: 'The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we made love all night long.'

The mistress: 'Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.'

The married woman: 'I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

 

[Call_Me_Sam]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl.
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S
READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'
'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed
council worker.
'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'

...i will be posting more as there seems to be a war on Essex in the office..

 

[Call_Me_Sam]

An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon: 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
Sharon: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'

 

[Call_Me_Sam]

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, 'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz
one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on
it?'
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for
me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'
'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why me knickers 'ave
got C&A on them!'

i had to post this one!!!! (does anyone remember C&A)

 

[Oldsoftboss]

I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends

I get that via SMS, and I think "Hey, whos paying for these messages, and who is profiting?"

Then I say fuck em

 

[namliam]

Idiots!

Users should all be banned !



Oh wait... for whom shall we now solve "problems" ??

 

[Golfer]

Figured it about time we had some blonde jokes !!
Not sure if any of these have beeen posted before but here goes -

Q. How do you make a blondes eyes light up ?

A. Shine a torch in her ear !

Q. How do you drown a blonde ?

A. Glue a diamond to the bottom of a swimming pool !

 

[georgedwilkinson]

Do you think I should tell them that, as I'm a witch, if they each gave me £10 every week they'd be bestowed with excellent fortune, £20 a week would get them fortune and health etc?

Only if you were somehow able to tie computers into it:
"I use a fantastic new program, Witch v. 2.3 and if you'll submit your credit card to my web site..."

And since I've just given you excellent business advice, your payment is to bestow me with excellent fortune and health.

 

[Big Pat]

This was on the Graham Norton show a few weeks back...

A rich man and a poor man are buying presents for their wives. The rich man decides to by a diamond necklace and a sportscar.
"Two presents?", says the poor man, surprised.
"Yeah", replies the rich guy. "This way, if she doesn't like the necklace, at least she'll enjoy the car while she's driving into town to return it.
The poor man can see the sense in this, so he decides to get two gifts as well. He chooses an apron and a dildo.
"This way", he explains, "if she doesn't like the apron, she can go f**k herself."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Fred's Note

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

 

[Golfer]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, I promise!
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such
a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with
him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos - MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
MIDNIGHT... He didn't seem p*ssed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said, " Oh by the way, we need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, said 'Oh shit!', cuckooed four more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

 

[Rich]

Three couples having breakfast at a communal table in a posh hotel.

The American said to his wife, will you pass the honey, honey.

A few minutes later the Scouser said to his wife, will you pass the sugar, sugar.

Finally, after a lot of thought the Aussie not to be outdone, said to his wife, will you pass the milk, you old cow!