What's your best/worst joke? (14 Viewers)

[The_Doc_Man]

I don't remember when it is supposed to start, but there is an incredible short story from Asimov called "Childhood's End" that is supposedly going to cable as a three-part mini-series. It is an interesting viewpoint of what would happen if mankind were to actually "grow up" (hence the title) with regard to things that go bump in the night. The fun part is HOW they grow up, and it presents an interesting alternative take on the origins of our cultural demon images and the "Rapture" concept, too.

I can't wait!

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: At the Gas Station

I was pulling into a gas station one day when I saw a woman drive off
with the nozzle still in her gas tank. She jerked the nozzle right
off the hose. Realizing what she had done, she pulled back in, took
the nozzle out of the tank, and put it back on the pump. Then she
went inside to straighten things out with the management.

While she was inside, a young man pulled up to the pump. He took the
nozzle, with no hose attached, putting it into his tank. He couldn't
seem to figure out why he wasn't getting any gas. He even took the
nozzle out and repositioned it in the tank a couple times.

I thought about pointing out the obvious problem to him but then
decided that he'd be embarrassed enough when he figured it out on his own.

AND THESE PEOPLE VOTE!

----------- Today's saying or thought -------------------------

A business meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
and the hours are lost.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Ice Warning

One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's
Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests
near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made
some of the roads impassable.

Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run
into, we drove on. Sure enough, we had gone only a short
way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign:

ICE 10 MILES

Five miles farther on, there was another sign:

ICE 5 MILES

The next one was

ICE 1/2 MILE

We practically crept that half-mile. Finally we came to the
last sign. It was outside a small grocery, and it read:

ICE 75 CENTS

 

[Dick7Access]

The Italian Man of His House With his Italian wife!

Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled,
You Can Be The Man of Your House .

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, we're going upstairs
And we'll have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His Sicilian wife Nancy replied,
"The local funeral director would be my first guess".

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: On the Scale

When children come in to the doctor's office where I work, it's my
job to weigh and measure them.

After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened
three-year-old on the scale, her mother said: "Honey, Mommy has a
scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it."

Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on
the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, darn!"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Guided Tour

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old
European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she
enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in
some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time
I've been here"

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years......."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Drawbacks of Working in a Cubicle

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing
who's behind you.

* The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When you quit and walk out, there's no door to slam.

* Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box
all day long.

* The carpet has been there since 1976 (or older) and shows more
signs of life than your coworkers.

* If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle
inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say, "What? I didn't
hear you."

* You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by
the time you turn to look they're gone.

* 23 power cords - 1 outlet.

 

[Frothingslosh]

GCF: Drawbacks of Working in a Cubicle

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing
who's behind you.

* The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When you quit and walk out, there's no door to slam.

* Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box
all day long.

* The carpet has been there since 1976 (or older) and shows more
signs of life than your coworkers.

* If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle
inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say, "What? I didn't
hear you."

* You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by
the time you turn to look they're gone.

* 23 power cords - 1 outlet.

Story of my life.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

* The carpet has been there since 1976 (or older) and shows more
signs of life than your coworkers.

Yes, but at least you have some really fresh protein snacks available. (I'd put the emoticon for "gag me with a spoon" but I don't know what that one looks like on this forum.)

 

[Katiecat29]

ha ha ha this thread cheered up my day

 

[Katiecat29]

thanks everyone keep lowering the bar

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Software Engineering

In a recent computer software engineering course, the participants
were given an awkward question to answer:

If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of
programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how
many of you would disembark immediately?

Among the many raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked
what HE would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay
on board. With his team's software, he reasoned, the plane was
unlikely to even taxi as far as the end of the runway, let alone
leave the ground!

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Right now I work for the Federal Government and have to remember that FAA software was written under a contract that was awarded to the lowest bidder.

 

[Galaxiom]

Right now I work for the Federal Government and have to remember that FAA software was written under a contract that was awarded to the lowest bidder.

One of the Apollo astronauts once said something like, "How would you feel going to the moon in a machine made from millions of parts each built by the lowest bidder."

 

[Frothingslosh]

One of the Apollo astronauts once said something like, "How would you feel going to the moon in a machine made from millions of parts each built by the lowest bidder."

And here I thought that quote was just from Armageddon.

 

[Galaxiom]

And here I thought that quote was just from Armageddon.

They would have borrowed it.

The original was from Alan Shepard, the first American in space (1961).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Shepard

According to Gene Kranz in his book Failure Is Not an Option, "When reporters asked Shepard what he thought about as he sat atop the Redstone rocket, waiting for liftoff, he had replied, 'The fact that every part of this ship was built by the lowest bidder.'"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Missing Dog

One overcast evening I passed the principal of our local high school
who was out looking for his missing dog, a Collie and real Lassie look-alike.

He told me the dog often ran away, so he had put a metal tag on its
collar asking that anyone finding the dog send it home in a taxi.

A few days later I again met the principal, and he told me that as he
was trudging home during a downpour that night, his snug and dry dog
had passed him in a taxi.

 

[SQLWayne]

A man is in a high-class hotel nursing a drink at the bar when an amazingly attractive woman walks up to him and gives him a sly look up and down, she is clearly of the 'working' class. She leans forward, revealing a delicious view, and whispers "For $200, I'll do anything you ask, but you have to say it in three words."

The man ponders for a minute, pulls four $50 bills from his wallet, and says "Paint my house."

 

[Alc]

Rick Astley came round to my house, last night. He said he was bored and asked if could borrow some Pixar movies.

"Well," I said "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo, but I'm never gonna give you Up"

 

[SQLWayne]

What do you call a banjo player wearing a suit?
The defendant.

What's the difference between a dead violinist in the road and a dead banjo player in the road?
There's skid marks in front of the violinist.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.