What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[Hayley Baxter]

10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN
(and what they actually mean)



10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(Who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)

 

[KKilfoil]

The Code of Men!

1. Thou shall not rent the movie 'Chocolate'

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may
be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend,
mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant,
or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any
useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts.
You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate
family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULLSHIT'.
(Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours,
his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for
another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a
girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every
point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe
scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. However, you may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present
for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's
birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot
babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is
your legal duty. Should you get carried away with
your good deed and end up having sex with the beast,
your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your
bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required
to ask his permission and he in return is required
to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must
be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge
of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing
clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem.
You didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help
you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his
girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports
event, you may always ask the score of the game in
progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to
fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give
her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your
buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about
joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink
only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and
it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's
free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively
dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is out-numbered, out-manned, or too
drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions
have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a
good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man
while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the
last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain
mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you
better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a
buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending
your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're
on equal footing: either both urinating or both
waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod
is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

 

[KKilfoil]

Golf

Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?

A: the PGA tour

 

[KKilfoil]

Stages of life

STAGES OF LIFE

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancé is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

DRUG
17 pot
25 coke
35 really good coke
48 power
66 coke, a limousine, the company jet

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 black lab
48 children from her first marriage
66 Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

------------------------------------------

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to need wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

DRUG
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy
the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

 

[KKilfoil]

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN By Dave Barry

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that
amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

 

[andy_dyer]

I see Hayley had far too much spare time last night!!


Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
Her navel.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

Why do women have periods?
They deserve them.

Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

Why was the woman crossing the road?
Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.

Why can't you trust woman?
How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

 

[andy_dyer]

What do you call female Viagra?

Jewelry.

 

[andy_dyer]

10 things only women understand


10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

 

[Hayley Baxter]

FOR WOMEN ONLY

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

[andy_dyer]

This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

I've found a way or two...

 

[Hayley Baxter]

I've found a way or two...

Only two? Must do better Andy

 

[Hayley Baxter]

THE ABC'S OF EX-LOVERS



A is for the automobile which he doesn't own.

B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.

C is for the commitment that was never there.

D is for the dildo he didn't know I had.

E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.

F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do.

G is also for the spot he could never find!

H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door.

I is for impotent which is what I told everyone he was.

J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.

K is for kinky, he always started without me.

L is for love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH and LITTLE DICK.

M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?

N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.

O is for the orgasms he thought he made me have.

P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!

Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.

R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.

S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.

T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.

U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.

V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.

W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.

X is what he is to me now!!!!

Y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.

Z isn't for anything, just like him, he ain't anything either.

 

[andy_dyer]

Always willing to learn....

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Complain because your husband had been eating your gingernut and jaffa cake body wash.

11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

12. Shave armpits and legs.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower onto a floor towel. Dry with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

16. Hang floor towel on side of tub.

17. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.

18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

19. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

14. Pee.

15. Rinse off and get out of shower. (What's a floor towel?)

16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

18. Leave shower curtain open, water on floor, light and fan on.

19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

20. Throw wet towel on bed.

 

[andy_dyer]

What Men Should Never Say After Sex

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"

4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"

11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.

12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"

16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"

17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"

18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

 

[andy_dyer]

The Cost Of Woman

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

 

[Hayley Baxter]

This one for Col and Rich

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BIKER WHEN...
- You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.
- Your girl follows you to the party with the car so you can take more beer.
- Your best friends are named after animals.
- Your best shoes have steel toes.
- You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
- Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.
- You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
- You're only sunburned on the back of your hands.
- You carry around a crushed beer can in the case of soft tar when you park the bike.
- You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off.
- Your girl friend has to climb over the bike to do the laundry in the basement.
- You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
- Any day you ride is a good day.
- Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.
- You get hit by a Taxi in N.Y.C., slide 80 yards and ride the bike home 30 miles with a fractured hip.
- You've been too drunk to Piss but not to drunk to ride your bike home.
- Your three piece suit are Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.
- You don't think its a good party till someone rides his or her bike in and does doughnuts in the living room.
- You think Tequila is a Sex Aide.
- You wake up next to your girl and your first thought is if your bike will start.
- Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk.
- Your garage has more square footage than your house.
- Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines on it.
- You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars.
- Your kids take a motorcycle chain to Show and Tell .
- All your ashtrays are pistons from your last engine rebuild.

 

[ColinEssex]

Thats excellent Hay - thanks a bunch.
Sadly alot of those ring true.

Shelf collapsed in wardrobe with bike mag weight.

'Er indoors won't let me bring the bike into the extension says it'll get carpet dirty as if . . .

Car lives on road - bike is in garage

Leather jacket, trousers and biking boots "always in the bloody way" (unquote)

 

[darksith]

OK this is probably the worst joke but anyway. Here goes...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says to him "What's with the long face?"

It's an , I know.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

SURE FIRE WAYS TO KNOW YOU'RE A WOMAN

1) You're a bitch.
2) When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get pissed off when you are believed.
3) Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
4) Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5) Whine.
6) If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
7) If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8) If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9) Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.
10) Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
11) Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a ***** and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
12) Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

 

[CJBIRKIN]

Have a good Christmas

Chris


It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off.
His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he
owes thousands of pounds to the bank.

Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump,
Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father
Christmas.
The
man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!"
shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three
wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant
me a small favour
in
return!" "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...
Thank you, thank you!"

Father Christmas promises him that :-
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her
sexiest
underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, and
she
will
have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue
with
your work. Your salary will have increased by 50% and nobody will have
any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in
credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for
you?"
Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over.

After a quite brutal Rogering, which made his eyes water a little,
Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't
you!?" chuckled the winner of the Christmas Mardi gras Santa Claus look alike contest.