What's your best/worst joke?

[Ally]

While walking down the street one day Tony Blair is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says Blair.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says Blair

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club house and standing in front of it
are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is
very happy and in elegant clothing. They run to greet him, hug him, slap him
on the back and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine
on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly
guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realises it, it is time for Blair to go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the Blair joining a group of content ed souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

Blair reflects for a minute, then answers:

"Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers Blair. Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends
look miserable."

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted for us!"

 

[ozlander]

Heaven

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

 

[smercer]

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

I wonder what happens to bachelors.

 

[ozlander]

lol ... they don't collect 200

 

[smercer]

lol ... they don't collect 200

ha ha

Go to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

damm, no get out of hell free card.

 

[ozlander]

someone must "pay" for fun!!!

 

[ozlander]

bachelors and spinsters ... caught between heaven and hell!

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory beingsized up by God.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95 and then Windows 98. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.

Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God."

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment,

"This is awful; this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God said, "That was the screen saver."

[yes, I know ... a similar one has been posted ... but they are not many purgatory jokes around ... lol]

 

[smercer]

someone must "pay" for fun!!!

But they accept visiters, you might be able to come and visit me. lol

 

[ozlander]

not me... lol

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

 

[smercer]

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

A. Because women are too hard to please?
A. because we are affected by Murphy ’s Law?

 

[ozlander]

To err is human, but to really foul-up you need a computer

Murphy's Laws
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
A corollary : After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Murphy's Eight Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch.
Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.

 

[Groundrush]

Code Word For Sex

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

 

[Rusty]

Warning Terrible Joke*

A man moves into an apartment of the fifth floor of a block of flats. He wanders out to the balcony to check out his new view and hasn't been there two seconds when something falls just in front of him. Re-acting quickly he reaches out and catches it. Opening his hand he finds a glass eye in it. Looking up he shes a pretty young lady leaning over the balcony a few floors above him.

He shouts out to her... "Is this yours" and she shouts back "Why yes I dropped it sorry".. He shouts back "Not to worry I'll bring it up".

Thankful, she invites him in for coffee and then they go out for dinner and back to hers, where one thing leads to another and they wake up in bed in the morning.

The man turns to the woman and asks "I hope you don't mind me asking but are you like this with every guy you meet?"

She replies ........"No only those that catch my eye".

Rusty

 

[Jacob Mathai]

American Management

Management Example

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a crew race on the Missouri River.

Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day the Japanese team won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.

A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering while the American team had eight people steering and one person rowing.

So the American management hired consultants and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the American rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to four steering supervisors, three area steering superintendents, and one assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance and productivity system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program with meetings, dinners, PowerPoint presentations and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner in an attempt to give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program.

The next year the four steering supervisors supervised; the three area superintendents superintended; the assistant superintendent steering manager managed and the rower rowed as hard as he could. Nonetheless, the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, hired a Mexican rower replacement, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all rower medical benefits.

The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as a bonus.

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Oh... Sad but how true.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A man in USA had twin sons. Due to financial difficulties, he put them up for adoption. One kid was adopted by a family in South America. They named him Juan. The other kid was adopted by a family in Egypt and they named him Amal.

Years later the biological father had a desire to see his sons. He located the son in South America and visited him. Then he came back home. His relatives asked him if he was going to Egypt to see the other son.

The man replied : "No. You saw Juan, you saw Amal."

 

[Temmu]

a woman has a miniature dog she's readying for the show, but it jumps back in alarm each time she trys to trim it.
her neighbor recommends a pharmacist who makes this wonderful hair removal cream.
at the pharmacy, the woman asks for some.
upon producing a small white glass jar of the stuff, the pharmacist warns, don't do too much exercise for the next day, the perspiration will kill your arm pits.
the woman replies, oh, no, you don't understand, it's for my schnauzer!
the pharmacist, a little taken aback, replies, oh, well, then don't ride your bike!

 

[Sandre]

A vampire couple decided to go on holiday to Venice. They toured around the city (at night, of course) and decided to eat when they got to the Bridge of Sighs. A young couple came along, so the vampires grabbed one each, dined, and chucked the bodies over the bridge. As they were both still hungry, they hung around a bit longer until another couple came along, and after eating, threw the bodies over the bridge. Being still hungry, they did this a third time and were just about to leave when they heard muffled singing coming from under the bridge. Curious, they leaned over, and saw a large crocodile sitting under the bridge, grinning hugely and singing "Drained wops keep falling on my head"

<gets coat>

 

[Lol Owen]

It's a bitterly cold day. A tramp walks along the pavement and stops outside a high class jewellers, puffing and flapping his arms to keep warm. Something in the window attracts him, so he goes into the warmth of the jewellers. He immediately begins somewhat luxuriously scratching his backside, pleasure all over his face. The rather snooty jeweller rushes from the back and demands to know what the hell the tramp is doing!? At this point the tramp points to a sign in the window:
"come in to the warm and pick your own ring in comfort"

 

[Rusty]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mail.

They sent out e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did some genealogy reports.

They made cards.

They did every known job.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! HE cheated! How did he do it??!!"

You'll love the punch line.......

God shrugged and said,

"Jesus Saves."