What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[Jacob Mathai]

Did you hear about the flasher who wanted to retire?
He then found out that he had not saved enough money for retirement.
So, he decided to stick it out couple more years.

 

[GSM]

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to
notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't
be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts
depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's
breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to
forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many
kind of weenies are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, a
man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's
weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and
forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Just been camping for the weekend, and, like every camping trip, was very educational. (Actually went to an event called the Southern 80, a water ski race http://www.southern80.com.au/ The boats averaged around 173 km/h - 110 mph on the Saturday and 145 on the Sunday. Bloody quick when you remember they are towing 2 skiers and this is the average speed over 80 km of the twisting Murray river)

Some gems...

Spanner water..
When the water is cold, because it tightens your nuts.

Dingos breakfast..
This come around when we asked one of the guys what he had for breakfast. Looking puzzled, he replied:

A piss and a quick look around.

Coon boots..
Bare feet

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Wife Mart

A store that sells wives opens in Dallas, TX, where a man may go to choose a wife from among MANY women. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the women increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.



There is however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a wife from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building--no stopping on any lower floors.



A man goes to the shopping center to find a wife.



On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These women have jobs.



The man reads the sign and says to himself, "Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up he goes.



The second floor sign reads Floor 2 - These women have jobs, love sports, and drink beer. The man smiles to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"



The third floor sign reads Floor 3 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better!" he says, "But I wonder what's upstairs?"



The fourth floor sign reads Floor 4 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good looking and do all the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the man, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more, much more, further up!" He heads up another flight.



The fifth floor sign reads Floor 5 - These women have jobs, love sports,

drink beer, are extremely good looking, do all the housework and don't bitch and gripe about anything.



"Hot Damn! How close to perfect can you get? But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor he goes.



The sixth floor sign reads Floor 6 - You are visitor 133,956,779,012 to this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that men are impossible to please.



Thank you for shopping Wife Mart, and have a nice day.

 

[Sandre]

A modern fairy tale

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. Kiss me, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am. And then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, the princess chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't f ****** think so" as she dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce.

 

[Newman]

Three vampires get into a bar.
French vampire: "I want a glass of blood."
American vampire: "I want a mug of blood."
British vampire: "I want a cup of boiling water."
Barman: "A cup of boiling water! Why?"
British vampire: "I brang a tampon and want to have some tea."

 

[Rusty]

Three girls worked in an office with the same female boss and
each day they noticed that the boss left work early.

One day the three girls decided that when their boss left, they
would leave shortly after her. After all, she never came back
to work so she would never know that they went home early too.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent time playing with her son and enjoyed her
evening.

The redhead was pleased to be able to get in a quick workout at
the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and suprise her husband
but when she got to her bedroom she heard noises coming from
inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was
mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss. Gently, she
closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and
redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde
is she was going to do likewise.

"No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

 

[lmnop7854]

Okay, I got one!!! I don't think this one has been posted here before, but the way emails get around, you may have seen it already. And while we are on the blonde subject.....

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold." "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day Her boss saw it on her desk.

"What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".

Lisa

 

[Rusty]

When I was working in the Chemist a woman came in and asked me 'Have you got cotton wool balls?'

I said, 'What do I look like, a teddy bear?'

 

[Jacob Mathai]

another blonde joke

This blonde was driving above speed limit and also over the dotted line.
A cop signaled her to stop. The cop was talking to the blonde.

COP : "There are two charges against you. First, high speed. Second, not staying within the lane."

Blonde : "But officer, what I did was perfectly legal."

COP : "How can you say that?"

Blonde : "See this on my car registration card. It is printed 'Tear along dotted line'."

 

[GSM]

Three of the best that I come across this morning

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it
all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual
one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his photo taken."
-------------------------------------------
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".
The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not have curtains...".
And the blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
---------------------------------------------
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

 

[Newman]

A blonde to a brunette:

Blonde - Wanna play for some money? You ask me a question. If I get it wrong I give you 10$. Then I ask you one. If you get it wrong, you give me 100$. And back to you until one of us is broke. OK?

Brunette - OK! But I'll go first. What is the distance between New-York and Los Angeles?

Blonde - I don't know! Here is your 10$. My turn... What has two legs in new-York, but has three in Los Angeles?

Brunette - You got me there, I don't know! Here's your 100$. What is the answer?

Blonde - I don't know, here's your second 10$.

 

[FoFa]

From WELL, DUH, Feb 28th
When President Jimmy Carter's daughter Amy brought home a school assigment about labor history, she got help from several labor experts in her father's cabinet. Together the president's daughter and the government experts got a C on the project.

 

[FoFa]

From WELL, DUH Feb 23rd
Why is "Cruel and unusual punishment" against the law?
Who are we kidding? All punishment is cruel. If they locked you up in a nice hotel suit with room service, cable TV and a swimming pool, that wouldn't be punishment. It would be the Holiday Inn. And, we've been punishing people for so long, it's pretty hard to find an unusual way to do it. "First, we're going to put this bag of gum drops on your foot, the 500 pound bag. Also, you have to watch OPRAH reruns for the next ten years." Now that would be unusual punishment.

 

[Idjit]

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

Col, why are people always impugning the chastity of your local women?

 

[dgoulston]

Col, why are people always impugning the chastity of your local women?

if you dont know the term "essex girl" do a search on google.. ull find just a total list with links to jokes...

from the dictionary of slang: http://www.peevish.co.uk/slang/e.htm

Essex girl Noun. Stereotypically describing a female from the county of Essex, or a female of the style of an 'Essex girl'. Characteristics may include being working class, sexually promiscuous, fashion conscious, heavily drinking, confident and of low morals. Derog.

they are seen as tarty, slutty. wear belts they call skirts (very short) lol , go with anything and anyone..

this of course is not my opinion just the stereotype.

as ive dated a few of the nicer essex girls. the non Stereotypical ones.

Dal

 

[Idjit]

as ive dated a few of the nicer essex girls. the non Stereotypical ones.

Dal

Meaning you didn't get any?

 

[vangogh228]

A woman goes to a doctor because of chest pains. He gives a full physical examination and tells her "You have acute angina." "Thank you." she replies, "But what about my chest pains?"

 

[GSM]

A beautiful actress' long-time agent discovered one day that
she'd been selling her body for a thousand dollars a night.
The agent, who had long lusted after his gorgeous client,
hadn't dreamed that she had been so readily available. He
approached her and, confessing his desire, asked for a date.
She shrugged and agreed to spend the night with him, but
coldly stated that he would have to pay a thousand dollars,
just like the rest of her clients.
Taken somewhat aback because of their relationship, he
reluctantly agreed, then added, "But don't I even get my
agent's ten percent as a discount?"
"No discount," she said curtly. "Take it or leave it."
Her agent wasn't all that happy with her attitude, but lust
won out and he agreed.
When she arrived at his house that evening he took her into
the bedroom and screwed the hell out of her. After the
passionate encounter, he turned out the lights and she fell asleep.
Around midnight, her aroused bedmate awakened her and they
engaged in another steamy bout of s.e x. Towards one a.m. she
was again awakened, and her horny lover engaged her in another
round of pleasure. An hour later, she was again awakened, and,
by now highly impressed at her partner's virility, she
whispered in the darkness, "My God, you're a stud! I had no
idea! I never knew how lucky I was to have you as an agent."
"I'm not your agent, baby," a strange voice answered. "He's at
the door selling tickets."

 

[GSM]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back..or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few women who did...
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story.
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
----------------------------------------------------------
And, to finish, a new twist to an old joke.....
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.Sleeping
Beauty said, I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.Tom
Thumb said, I must be the smallest person in the world. Quasimodo said,
I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims
verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. It's official,
I AM the most beautiful girl in the world. Tom Thumb went next and emerged
triumphant, I am officially the smallest person in the world. Sometime later,
Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated:
Scroll down








Scroll down








Scroll down







Scroll down



"Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"