What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[GSM]

A man is picking some apples from the fruit counter at the supermarket when a young and attractive woman beside him turns, smiles and says hello.
He can't remember ever having seen her before, but smiles and nods politely. "Err, hello," he says.
The woman can see he doesn't recognise her, and apologises. "I'm sorry," she says. "I mistook you for someone else. When I saw you there I assumed you were the father of one of my children."
She pushes her trolley off and resumes shopping.
The man is confused and stunned. The woman looks smart, she's well-spoken, and yet she can't keep track of the fathers of all her children. What is the world coming to?
But maybe ...
He then starts to wonder if maybe he has met her before. Back years ago when he was at university they all had some pretty wild times. He'd sown a lot of wild oats, and it was perfectly possible that he had fathered some children without knowing about it.
Now he panicked, and ran out of the supermarket and caught up with the woman as she was loading her shopping into her car.
"I realised we might have met years ago," he says. "Are you the girl I met at a party in college. We got really drunk and had sex on the floor while everyone was watching cheering us on?"
"Err no," she says. "I'm your son's primary school teacher."

 

[maxmangion]

split up in the middle

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a
dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few
days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten
old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and
she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a
bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time
I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what
finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking
for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted
to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split
right up the middle."

 

[greaseman]

Quasimoto goes to a doctor for his annual physcal. The doctor tells him he thinks there's a problem with his back. "What makes you say that?" asks Quasimoto. "Oh, I don't know," replies the doctor, "I guess you could call it a hunch."

 

[davidbodhi]

God knows if anyone gets this far down the list.......

This is either the best or the worst, depending.... you decide.


An old man is in the hospital, visiting his wife who is dying. He's very upset, naturally. They're sitting holding hands and reminsicing and the wife hesitantly lets it come out that she'd always wished their sex life had been more adventurous. Well, the old guy was surprised; he'd never thought about it. He asked her what she'd wanted and she blushes and said she'd always wished they'd had anal sex. He was scandalized, but when she asked him to get on the bed and do it to her right then, before she died, he was beside himself. "No! You're SICK!! In the HOSpital!! I can't POSsibly! Are you CRAZY?" But she persists and insists and finally he caves in, checks down the hall, strips and climbs in with her and they do it. When they're done, suddenly the wife LEAPS out of bed! She feels GREAT! Better than she has in decades! Spry and vivacious, a miracle! The husband starts bawling. She's like, "Darling, what's wrong? I feel wonderful! I'm completely cured and well!"

He says, through his sobs, "I could have saved Momma!"

 

[GSM]

No idea if these have previously been posted!

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at
the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this
time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you
found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the
preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again but
this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking
his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk,
"For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you SURE this is where he fell in?
==================================
Jacob, age 81, and Grace, age 80, are all excited about their decision
to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the
way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter. "Are you the owner?" The
pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation? Pharmacist: "All kinds.
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problem, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmacist:
"Yes, a large variety - the works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
poisons, Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely!"
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and
sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "Excellent. We'd like to use this store
as our Registry Office!"

 

[Newman]

This one is for KenHiggs
I've stole it from a professional standup comic, but what the heck.

A Canadian to an American
- "Do you know that, in some other countries, there is people that dislike Americans?"
- "What? Are you serious? There is other countries?"

 

[GSM]

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE
exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their
fifth form GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses from 16 year
olds.

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the
abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O
and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

 

[Ben Scanlan]

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines....



PS. Sorry....

 

[GSM]

Diamonds really are a girls best friend!!!!

A boyfriend, not happy with his girlfriends' mood swings, bought her a mood
ring the other day so he would be able to monitor her moods. When she is in
a good mood it turns green. However, when she is in a bad mood it leaves a big
f*cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy her a diamond

 

[FoFa]

Stupid Style
In 1797, the English haberdasher John Hetherington invented the top hat. The first time he wore his creation on the strets of London, he caused a riot. He was fined by the police for wearing a "tall structure calculated to frighten timid people." Which is probably why the top hat became so popular.
Special Note: Hetherington not only created a new fashion, he also invented the "fashion police".

 

[dan-cat]

Darth Vader Christmas gag

Darth Vader: Luke my son, I know what it is you are getting for Christmas this year.

Luke: How do you know father?

Darth Vader: Because recently I have been feeling your presence.

 

[GSM]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as
long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a
year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no
answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed
an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted
the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to ask everyone: the princess, the
priests, the wise men and even the court jester but no one could give
him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old
witch, for only she might have the answer. However, the price would be
high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant
prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to
the witch. She agreed to answer the question but only if he agreed to
her price which was that she wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most
noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible
burden, but Lancelot, on learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur and
said nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.

Hence , a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus: 'What a woman really wants ....is to be in charge of her
own life.'

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the
neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the
witch were wed with all due ceremony.

The midnight hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited him! The
most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The
astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self
only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would
he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to
show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an
old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day,
but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate
moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. But....make your choice before you scroll
down below. OK?






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Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his
question, said that he would allow her to make the choice herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own
life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....if you don't let a woman have her own way....things are
going to get REALLY ugly.

 

[FoFa]

Everything you always wanted to know, but were to smart to ask
Which is the smarter choice: draft beer or Genuine Draft Beer?
Seems like a question of taste rather than intelligence. But nothing is simple in an age where your share of the advertising cost more than your share of the beer. Genuine Draft Beer is better if you want to marvel at how marketers can make millions by continually lowering the bottom of the barrel we live in.
Draft beer comes from a barrel. You hold the glass up to the tap, and the beer falls out. Makes for better beer, as any English pubster can explain, if you are buying. Genuine Draft Beer comes in bottles or cans, the opposite of draft beer. They can legally call nondraft beer draft beer by the international law that states: If you can make big money out of a lie, go ahead.

 

[GSM]

A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she
becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine
months later, just about the time she is going to give birth,
a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After
I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell
him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby
and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes
in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to
believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a
miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must
tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your
father."


And one more bonus joke...................
Shane Warne's team mates were perplexed one morning to see Shane walk
into the change rooms with a pair of women's panties on his arm.
Somewhat used to Shane's tendencies, they let it go and went about
getting ready. The day wore on; Shane bowled a few overs and the batsman
came and went with a puzzled expression on their faces but no one dared
ask about the panties.


Finally, Ricky Ponting walked up to Shane between overs and gently
whispered to him. "Er Shane," he said, "We've come to expect many
unusual things from you, but we're a bit worried that you seem to be
wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm. Please tell me this
doesn't mean more trouble." "Oh no," Shane grinned. "It's a Patch. I'm
trying to quit."

 

[Groundrush]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing


There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter......

 

[GSM]

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but
everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4
seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Please send all floral tributes to Johnson Funeral Directors.

 

[FoFa]

The Business of Stupidity and Vice Versa
There are students who enroll at the Dunkin' Donuts Training School and don't pass. Yes, America now has people too stupid to work in a doughnut shop.

Rich and Col. Bush is NOT one of them

 

[dgoulston]

no bush failed the interview to get in the training school...

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sorry just couldnt resist that.... - not a bash at americans.
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[FoFa]

Internation Idiocy
The worlds first parking tickets were given out in Nineveh (now Iraq) over 2,000 years ago to people who parked their chariots on the king's road. The fine? Death by impalement.

 

[FoFa]

Dumb Plays in the Face of Fate
A Bible printed in London in 1631 included an embarrassing typo. Instead of "Thou shalt not . . ." it read "Thou shalt commit adultery." There's one commandment that could be followed by people who couldn't follow the other nine.