What's your best/worst joke?

[SQLWayne]

A man gets in to a taxi in New York City and tells the driver to take him to Grand Central Station. As they're driving along, the man thinks they passed Radio City Music Hall, so he taps the driver's shoulder to get his attention to ask him.

The driver SCREAMS, the vehicle swerves, almost hits an on-coming car, and finally comes to a stop half-up on the curb.

The passenger says "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to startle you!"

The driver replies "That's OK. Today's my first day on the job, for the last twenty years I drove a hearse."

 

[Alc]

Among ocean creatures, the swordfish has few natural predators. Its only real opponent being the penfish, which many marine biologists claim to be mightier.

 

[Galaxiom]

Welcome to Heaven. Here is your harp.

------------

Welcome to Hell. Here is your piano accordion.

 

[Rx_]

Its important to know what to do when you die.
1.) Do not drive a Car
2.) Do not operate heavy equipment
3.) Do not talk

http://www.quotes.net/mquote/50498

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Welcome to Hell. Here is your piano accordion.

And your teacher is Mr. Al Yankovic.


Actually, I used to play the "German Aggravator" instrument. However, my mother was a teacher at a local music school and she left our accordion locked up in the music store. One night, an enterprising - and probably somewhat skinny - burglar knocked out two cinder blocks in the back of the building to gain entrance. He stole several band instruments and the accordion. If he had a big enough truck, there were two spinet pianos available, but that would have been a bit harder to manipulate by a single burglar.

I can freely admit that I used to play accordion. These days, though, I'm an organist.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

With thanks (I think...) to my old friend Gretchen...

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a cup of mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and hitting the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite-year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
13. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
15. 1000 cc's of wet socks = 1 literhosen
16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

Groan if you must. (I did.)

 

[arnelgp]

a woman was weeping besides three graves.
a man approached her and asked, "how are you related to him (pointing on the first tomb)?

woman: my husband.
man: how did he died?
woman: he ate potato and just died!

man: how about the other one?
woman: my husband also.
man: how did he died?
woman: he also ate potato and just died!

man: and the other?
woman: my husband also!
man: don't tell me he ate potato also and died!
woman: no, he busted his head
man: how come?
woman: because he would'nt ate the potato.


'============

three chinese went to america.
they are bu, lu, and fu.
they decided to americanized their name.

bu became buck
lu became luck

...

fu just went back to china.


'============
a young lady is yelling on her maid.
lady: tell me 3 reasons why i would'nt fire you?
maid: im better cook than you!
lady: ok, i agree, another one.
maid: im better doing the laundry than you.
lady: ok, fine. last reason
maid: im, better in bed than you.

the lady got really mad.
lady: is that what my husband told you.
maid: no, that was your driver who told me.

the worst, joke:

woman, in tears and trembling.
woman: nurse how is my husband? be gentle i have heart condition.
nurse: i'm sorry maam, he has 3 days to live!
woman: (disbelief) no, this can't be please tell me the truth.
nurse: im, only joking maam... he's already dead.


'==
how would 71 person get inside a mini car?
... two in front.
... 69 at the back!

 

[Alc]

My wife gave me a sweater for Christmas but it gathers static like crazy. Luckily, I was able to take it back to the shop and exchange it for a new one, free of charge.

 

[Alc]

My wife is upset at the moment. She thinks I should quit my job now that we've started testing on rabbits.

She's probably right, I do work at a hammer factory.

 

[Galaxiom]

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

I would have expected it to be 102 grams of falling figs.

 

[AccessBlaster]

Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits, sips his beer and says,

"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Health Secret

An old lady is asked the secret to a long and healthy life.

"For better digestion I drink beer. If I have appetite loss I drink
white wine. In case of low blood pressure I drink red wine. For high
blood pressure I drink Scotch. And when I have a cold I drink schnapps."

"When do you drink water?"

"I've never been that sick."

 

[SQLWayne]

(Sung to the Do-Re-Mi song from The Sound of Music)

Dough - I use to buy my beer.
Ray - the guy who sells me beer.
Me - the guy who drinks my beer.
Far - a long way to the bar!
So - I'll have another beer!
La - I'll have another beer!
Tea - No thanks, I'm drinking beer!
That brings us back to Dough!

 

[Knildon]

A priest walked into the common area of the church and saw little Billy standing there staring at a plaque on the wall. The plaque had the American flag in the corners and a list of names on it.
The priest asked Billy what he was staring at. Billy replied, what is that?
The priest told him that it was a list of parishioner's names who died while in the service.
Little Billy thought a minute and then asked, which service was it the 7:30, 9:00 or 11:30.

 

[Rx_]

Hillary Clinton was sworn in as the 2016 President.
On her return to live in the White House, she was visited by three ghost of President's Past to give advice on how she could become a famous president throughout time.
George Washington visited and advised her "Do not lie".
Hillary frowned and said, "I am kind of beyond that, nope, its just not going to happen".
Next Thomas Jefferson visited and advised her "Listen to the people".
"about that", she said, "we were bought and paid for by bankers back in my husband's time, we can't bite the hand that feeds us"
Next Abe Lincoln visited and advised
"Go see a play at the theater..."

 

[Dick7Access]

SMILE AWHILE

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's dead.

Brother 1: He's dead! What do you mean he's dead?! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me?! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I called you from the airport you could of told me that the fire department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

 

[Dick7Access]

ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE

A blonde walks into a store and is immediately curious about a shiny
object on sale. He asks the shop assistant, "What is that?"

The assistant responds, "It's a thermos."

"What does it do?"

"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So the blonde buys one.

The next day she brings the thermos to work with him. Her boss, also an
air head, asks, "What's the shiny object?"

"It's a thermos."

"What does it do?"

"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Her boss then asks, "What do you have in there?"

The blonde replies, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

 

[pike]

Copper Wire Network

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British , in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia 's Northern Territory Times , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory , Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

 

[AccessBlaster]