What's your best/worst joke? (34 Viewers)

[SQLWayne]

I would have expected it to be 102 grams of falling figs.

I thought a fig newton was the force required to accelerate one kilogram of figs to one meter per second squared. But falling is the same as accelerating, so I guess that works. I just like the thought of a fig newton air gun.


Also, time flies like an arrow -- fruit flies like a banana.

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[Dick7Access]

Animal cruelty!,Animal cruelty!

 

[madEG]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender says "Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's driving me nuts!"

 

[AccessBlaster]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks: "Why the long face?"

 

[SQLWayne]

An older Irishman walks in to a bar in New York City at opening time. Asks for two shots of whiskey in two glasses. He pays, drinks both, wishes the bartender a good day, and leaves.

Comes in the next day at opening, same thing. Two shots, two glasses. The bartender asks him what's up. The Irishman says "Well, you see, my name is Mike and I have a twin brother Pat in Dublin. He goes in to his pub at this same time and orders two shots and every evening since I moved here we drink a shot together." The bartender thinks this is terrific.

This goes on for over a year ago when one day Mike goes in to the bar and the bartender sets up two glasses and starts pouring. Mike holds his hand over the second glass and says "Just one from now on."

The bartender is shocked! "I'm so sorry, was Pat's passing sudden?"

Mike replies, "No, Pat is just fine! I've decided to give up drinkin'."

 

[SQLWayne]

A termite walks in to a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[SQLWayne]

Bright and early one Saturday morning, Ted and Bob go golfing. They're just playing a short nine and expect to be home by lunch. Lunch time comes, and Ted's not home. His wife doesn't think much of it, figuring they stopped for lunch. The afternoon drags on, still no Ted. She figures maybe they are playing a full 18 holes. Dinner comes and goes, still no Ted. Now she's a little concerned, but she thinks maybe they had dinner and drinks after their game.

But it gets dark, and still no Ted. She's getting sick with worry!

FINALLY, it's almost midnight, and a weary Ted stumbles through the door. She embraces him, "Ted! What happened? It's so late! Is everything alright?"

Ted replies, "Oh, honey! I just had the worst day! We're on the second hole, and Bob is getting ready to tee-off, and he dropped dead of a heart attack!"

"Oh, no! Still, I wouldn't have thought it would take take this long to deal with it."

"It took forever! Hit the ball, drag Bob. Hit the ball, drag Bob...."

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Another golfing story:

A young man, perhaps no more than mid-to-late 20's, is playing a solo round very early one morning on the new local golf course. He is doing his best but it is a tough course. He comes to a par 3 hole, sighs, and tees up the ball. He says, to no one in particular, "Oh, what I wouldn't give for a hole-in-one."

There is a loud "poof" and a ball of flame. The Devil has overheard him. Wasting no time, the Devil says, "Make me an offer." The young man thinks for only a moment before he says, "I would give up 15 years of my sexual desire to make a hole-in-one." The devil says, "Done. I'll come to you tonight to collect via my diabolic magic" - and then vanishes in a puff of smoke. The young man takes his swing and watches as the ball bounces twice before rolling into the hole.

A few holes later, another par-3 hole comes up. The young man says, "Oh, what I wouldn't give for another hole in one." The Devil pops up. Same deal, same result. At the 17th hole, ALSO a par-3, the same thing happens. The Devil grants the wish, the young man makes his shot, and starts towards the next hole. The Devil, however, does not vanish this time.

He says, "You know, you owe me 45 years of your sexual desire. Where do you live so I can come there to collect tonight while you sleep?"

The young man says, "I'm Father Frederick from St. Anne's up the road. Come see me any time."

 

[SQLWayne]

I was playing golf last week and I got a hole in one! Then I birdied the windmill.

In golf: if the ball goes right, it's a slice. If it goes left, it's a hook. If it goes straight, it's a miracle.

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Responsible

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything
went wrong, they said I was responsible."

 

[adrianscotter]

GCF: Software Engineering

In a recent computer software engineering course, the participants
were given an awkward question to answer:

If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of
programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how
many of you would disembark immediately?

Among the many raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked
what HE would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay
on board. With his team's software, he reasoned, the plane was
unlikely to even taxi as far as the end of the runway, let alone
leave the ground!

Hm, sounds a bit like my coding sometimes

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Regular or Premium?

When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his
wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for
the engine running so rough."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband.

"It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought the usual
thirty dollars worth."

 

[adrianscotter]

Horse walks into a bar and orders a large scotch, the barman says 'HOLY CRAP!!! A TALKING HORSE" In my defence, it's my grandsons and he's 6. And I told him off for bad words (then laughed).

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[yupstrips01]

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Helmsman

A young man wanted to see the world so he signed on to a tramp
steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He mastered the classroom
instruction and then started his practical training at the helm of the vessel.

In his first lesson, the first mate gave him a heading and he held to
it. Then the mate ordered, "Come starboard."

He left the helm and walked over to his instructor. With an
incredulous look on his face as the helm swung freely, the mate said
politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Movie Memorabilia

We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are
plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about
reserving a table.

When I returned, I found my 10-year-old granddaughter staring at a
poster of Superman standing in a phone booth.

She looked puzzled.

"She doesn't know who Superman is?" I asked my husband.

"Worse," he replied. "She doesn't know what a phone booth is."

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Ouch, Dick7.... I guess that is something that my generation saw; the death of the enclosed phone booth, and then the eventual death of ALL phone booths 'cause everyone has cell phones these days. Talk about "showing off my age" ...