What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[Vassago]

I don't get it. If the letter never arrived how did he know there was a letter?

Col

The same way he wrote the P.S....

 

[Dick7Access]

I don't get it. If the letter never arrived how did he know there was a letter?

Col

I am not biting Col, good try!

 

[ColinEssex]

The same way he wrote the P.S....

Well I'm guessing he got the letter off the postman and quickly wrote the PS. But then to cap it all, the letter got lost in the US postal system anyway, so it didn't arrive.

I still can't see what the joke is though. Mind you, it is one of Dick's posts so could be a bit scrambled.

Col

 

[Dick7Access]

Well I'm guessing he got the letter off the postman and quickly wrote the PS. But then to cap it all, the letter got lost in the US postal system anyway, so it didn't arrive.

I still can't see what the joke is though. Mind you, it is one of Dick's posts so could be a bit scrambled.

Col

that reminds me of the young guy who go married and went on his honeymoon after two weeks he sent a telegraph to his Dad tht said its wonderful here, please send $200.00. His father send a gram back saying its wonderful every where, come on home.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Lost Luggage

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained
professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your
plane arrived yet?"

 

[Knildon]

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied: 30 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, "Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David."
The man turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: New Teacher

A young lady graduated from college and started teaching at an area
school. One day she went with a friend to a nearby restaurant for lunch.

A man seated next to her asks, "Are you a teacher?"

Surprised but happy, she replied, "Why, yes, I certainly am!"

She enjoyed a warm feeling throughout the meal ... she looked like a
teacher, and this made her feel great.

As she was leaving the restaurant, she asked the man, "How did you
know I was a teacher?"

"You have chalk dust on your rear", he replied.

 

[Isskint]

Following on from the horse meat scandal, a national supermarket today announced they were going to sell off all there beef products. Day 1 will see 10% off, Day 2 will be Buy One Get One Free and day 3 will be half price.

It is advertised as the "Great 3 day event"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Elderly Romance

Alex, a widower, went to a senior citizen's dance. There he met Ruth,
a woman also advanced in years. Alex and Ruth danced every dance together.

Afterward, they went out for coffee. As they walked home, Ruth said,
"You remind me of my fourth husband."

Alex said, "Really? How many times have you been married?"

Ruth said, "Three."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Kraft Dinner

Before going off to a conference for work, a wife told her husband to
give their kids Kraft Dinner for supper.

When suppertime came, however, he didn't feel like cooking and
instead took the kids out to a local fast-food restaurant. While
they were eating he told them to tell their mother that they had
Kraft Dinner for supper if she asked, or else Daddy would get into trouble.

Later, at bedtime, the wife called to say goodnight to the kids and
asked the five-year-old daughter what they had eaten for supper.

"Kraft Dinner," was the reply. As the husband took a sigh of relief,
she added brightly, "From Dairy Queen!"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Case Closed

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court,
each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in
the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear
the evidence ... I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

 

[ColinEssex]

What is "GCF:Case closed"?

Oh BTW, deft use of the copy and paste there Dick.

Col

 

[Rx_]

See Attached Cartoon image "New Drone Design When the First Three Laws Of Robotics Were Ignored"

from Business Insider Related Article about Terminator Drones

U.S. policy is to consider "all military-age males in a strike zone as combatants ... unless there is explicit intelligence posthumously proving them innocent." America targets these individuals using a "disposition matrix" that serves to keep track of the ever-evolving procedures and legal justifications for placing suspects on the U.S. "kill list."

And the Obama administration refuses to reveal its methods or justifications for bombing a target, indicated by a recent ruling to deny a FOIA request regarding the targeted killing of the 16-year-old American-born son.

From Judge Colleen McMahon's opinion: I find myself stuck in a paradoxical situation in which I cannot solve a problem because of contradictory constraints and rules.

So the U.S. has the benefit of the doubt, even when it carries out "signature strikes" in which the identities of those killed on the ground is unknown and the decision to strike hinges upon recognition of certain undisclosed behaviors and tendencies.

Category: You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up!!

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Lost the Car

When out shopping at her local supermarket, an elderly woman forgot
where she'd parked. A nearby police officer, noticing her agitation,
asked, "Is something wrong?"

"I can't find my car," she explained.

"What kind is it?" he inquired sympathetically.

The old lady gave him a quizzical look. "Name some"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Honor System

Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was
deserted except for a sleeping German Shepherd. I stepped over the
dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cashbox to pay.
Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."

 

[ColinEssex]

GCF: Honor System

Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was
deserted except for a sleeping German Shepherd. I stepped over the
dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cashbox to pay.
Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."

I don't follow this, is it actually funny in America? There seems to be many faults with this.

If the dog is asleep, how would it know a) how much you put in the till and b) how much change you took. Did you weigh the corn? Does the dog monitor that?

Also, is it normal to help yourself to goods? Why not wait for the stall holder? In the UK, it would be polite to wait a few minutes.

Also, is a smallholder insane enough to leave a stall of veg completely open to robbery?

Col

 

[Vassago]

I don't understand that joke either, although I'm sure it's supposed to be "tongue-in-cheek" humor and only meant for certain individuals to understand. Is this a concept not commonplace in the UK? No wonder why sarcasm seems to elude certain British members on this forum. I'll have to be more careful with phrasing.

 

[ColinEssex]

Is this a concept not commonplace in the UK?

The concept of a joke is to be funny, Dick's copy and paste efforts fail on the basic necessity.

No wonder why sarcasm seems to elude certain British members on this forum. I'll have to be more careful with phrasing.

Yes, sarcasm is a skill yet to be mastered by Americans, personally I prefer satire. Although if you try sarcasm, let me know and I'll see if there is any improvement.

I still don't get the "GCF" bit either.

Col

 

[Brianwarnock]

I still don't get the "GCF" bit either.

Col

God created fools

Brian