What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)

[ColinEssex]

That's even worse than my joke, I bow to the master and please don't give up the day job.

Sorry Barry, that is bad I know. Its got to be the worst so far

 

[Cosmos75]

How do you make a drummer play quieter?

Put music in front of him.

How do you make a drummer stop playing?

Ask him to read it.

I don't play the the drums but I do know that there is music notation ( drum notation? ) for playing the drums.

Listen to Dream Theater's Mike Portnoy for a great drummer.

 

[ColinEssex]

Chap goes into Docs and says

"Doc, I think I'm a pair of pliers"

Doc says, "Get a grip mate"

________________________

Oh blimey - they're getting worse don't worry, I'm off home now

 

[ColinEssex]

I don't play the the drums but I do know that there is music notation ( drum notation? ) for playing the drums.

Listen to Dream Theater's Mike Portnoy for a great drummer.

I play drums in a rock n roll band, first heard that drummer joke about 100 years ago!!!

Check out Buddy Rich for a great drummer.
Col

 

[Ally]

There's Robin Hood with an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. They've all been really bad to Robin Hood, so he says to them, "Sorry guys, I'm going to have to shoot you. You've got a choice of one drink before you go and I have 3 arrows each."

The Englishman says, "I'll have a pinta lager please." He's given a pint of lager, knocks it back in one and stands where Robin tells him to. Robin lines up his bow and arrow, and shoots and the Englishman dies.

The Scotsman says "I'll have shot of whiskey please." So he knocks back his whiskey, Robin aims and fires and the Scotsman dies.

The Irishman says, "O'il hava bottla aftershave please." Robin Hood says, "What, aftershave. Are you sure?" "Ah yes, positive", replies the Irishman. Robin can't believe this and says again, "You really want to drink a bottle of aftershave?" "Absolutely shurrr thank you." So Robin finds him a bottle of aftershave, the Irishman swigs it back until it's finished, stands in the appropriate place and Robin Hood aims up his bow and arrow and fires. Whoosh - the arrow goes straight over the Irishman's head. "Wow - that's never happened before" said Robin. He lines up his next arrow and fires. Whoosh, around the Irishman it goes. Totally bemused Robin said to himself, "Golden arrow time", lines up extremely carefully and fires. "Whoosh" it goes round the Irishman the other way. "Well", said Robin, "You've had your 3 arrows. You're free to go ... but can you just tell me your secret." "Ahhh", says the Irishman, "Aramis!!!!."

 

[BarryMK]

I've played bass for the last %******!!! years. I always thought drummers were people who like to spend time with us musicians?

 

[ColinEssex]

Yeah, heard that one too Barry you'd be lost without a drummer

 

[BarryMK]

Agreed Colin. I guess us rythmn sectioners should stick together What good's a band without a motor?

 

[Fizzio]

One of my faves but it does test the profanity filter a bit. Look away all who may be offended ....

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.
'Where's the p*ssing, mother fu*kin manager, you c*cksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-fu*kin manager of this b*stard place?'
'Yes sir I am,' replies the manager,'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.
'Fu*k off' replies the bloke 'and where's the fu*kin piano?'
'Pardon?' say's the manager.
'Fu*kin deaf as well, are we? You sniveling little piece of sh*t, show me your b*stard piano' 'Ah,' replies the manager,'you've come about the pianists job' and shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'
'Of course I can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
'That's superb. What's it called?'
'I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my d*ck,' replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
'Magnificent.' Cries the manager. 'What's it called?'
'I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer.'
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard,
'And what's this called?' asks the manager.
'As I fu*k you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he does not introduce any of his songs or talks to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid eyes on. She is wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out of the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice. 'Where's that b*stard pianist?' He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear,' Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping semen on your shoes?'
The bloke replies. 'Know it? I fu*kin wrote it.'

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Well I can't top that, But this is my favorite "Dirty Joke"

A Man fell in some mud

Should be hidden, spoils the suprise

Could you add a "Hidden" colour?

 

[Mrs.Meeker]

A woman calls the grocer and asks that he deliver 38 qts of milk. He asked; What do you want with so much milk? She tells him; I'm going to take a milk bath. He asks: Do you want it pasteurized? She says no, up to my neck will be fine...

 

[Mrs.Meeker]

A married couple were in bed one night when there was a knock on the door. The man went downstairs to find a man wanting a push. He said forget it and went to bed. When he went back upstairs his wife asked who was at the door. He told her some guy wanting a push and he went back to bed. His wife said, do you mean you didn't give him a push? After all the help strangers have given you over the years? How could you be so callous? You should be ashamed of yourself. Well he realized if he didn't get up and help the guy that he'd never hear the end of it. He went back downstairs and opened the door. It was pitch black outside and he couldn't see a thing. He called out, hey do you still need a push? A voice from the distance answered yes, yes I do. He asked where are you? I'm over here. Well, where's over here??? I'm on the swing.


grooooaaaaan. My 93 year old aunt has a million of these!!

 

[RichMorrison]

Ole was on his death bed. He turned to Lena, his wife of many years, and said:

"Lena, when I'm gone I hope you will remarry".

"All right Ole, I will".

"And Lena, it's all right with me if your new husband lives in our house. And I guess it's all right if you and he sleep in our bed. But please, honor this one wish. Don't let any other man use by golf clubs."

"Don't worry Ole, he's left-handed".

RichM

 

[pcEars]

Courtesy of a friend

John had a terrible accident which mangled his private parts, requiring they be removed. His spirit was broken.

His doctor told him: "John, all is not lost. I can make you better than before. It is possible for us to replace your lost member with a prostetic. However, the procedure is considered cosmetic and would not be paid by your insurance.

The hope of regaining his manly prowess lifted John's heart to ask: "How much would it cost?"

His doctor explained: "You can get the 4 inch model for $6,000.00 (John's frown quickly faded); or the 6 incher for $7,500.00 (John began to smile); or you may have the 9 inch version for $10,000.00." (John grinned as his eyes widened with anticipation)

"But normally I insist that the decision be made only after you've consulted with your wife"

John happily agreed, and set off for home.

Upon his next return, the doctor asked for his decision. John hung his head sadly, replying: "She said for that kind of money, she'd rather remodel the kitchen."

 

[Fizzio]

Here is another in my top 5.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day. "You know I know everyone there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone and I know them." Tired of his boasting his boss called his bluff. "Alright Dave how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to
Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts "Dave, what's happening? Great to
see you, come on in for a beer."
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he
thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else." Dave says. "President Bush"
his boss quickly retorts. "Yes." Dave says: "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over saying, "Dave, what
a surprise was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to
name anyone else. "The Pope!" his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave, "My folks are from Poland, and I've
known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses
in Vatican Square when Dave says. "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these
people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony
with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour
later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has
had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side,
Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, Who the f*ck is that on the balcony with Dave?"

 

[ColinEssex]

I've played bass for the last %******!!! years.

I knock about on bass sometimes, not in the band though.

Here's a pic of mine

Col

 

[BarryMK]

A Ricky - nice! I play mainly a metallic red Fender P Bass Lyte through Peavey gear. Only pic I can find at work is this white one. Oh dear it's Monday again.

 

[ColinEssex]

I also have a Fender Jazz. I use an Ampeg 100w amp and a Zoom bass 701 effects box (just to experiment with different sounds)

I have to say that although the Rick was expensive, its the 4003 model, it really does produce a gorgeous sound. (I got it as a present from me to me!)
I sometimes play bass in a little orchestra which is nice. Mostly I play it at home though. (keeps me off the streets )

Col

 

[BarryMK]

About the only effect I use is a Marshall chorus pedal. I recently invested in radio mikes for my stage basses and they are wonderful, I'm on the streets at present - my last blues rock three piece just folded thanks to a bread head lead player, just as the gigs were starting to roll in. Ho hum a musician's life for me..........perhaps I should form a boy band or maybe an old boy band. Are we straying off topic?? perhaps we should start an Access muso thread.

 

[Ally]

Here's what I play ... beautiful sound. Bought it a couple of years ago after playing a much cheaper model for years. It's not a great picture, but the best I could find.