What's your best/worst joke?

[andy_dyer]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He says that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. Mystified, she asks: "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers: " Well, it's like this: yesterday, when she went by the store I asked her to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, on account of, she says, it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she...."

 

[saintsman]

woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded,
”Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians.You’re crazy going Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”


“Don’t go any further.” I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s hysterical,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need plenty of it.”

A month later the woman visited the hairdresser again. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.


“It was wonderful,” exclaimed the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked in economy so they bumped us up to first class. “The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.Would you believe that they were overbooked too, apologised and gave us the owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the international visitors and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and kissed his hand and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get that shit hairdo?”

 

[andy_dyer]

It's hard in sales

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

 

[HiArt]

String

Can't resist this one:

A piece of string wearing a Tux walks in to a bar and asks for a beer. 'Certainly', replies the barman,' but, execuse me, are you a piece of string?'

'Yes', replied the string.

A few minutes later another piece of string wearing an Armani suit walks in to a bar and asks for a beer. 'Certainly', replies the barman,' but, execuse me, are you a piece of string?'

'Yes', replied the string, and goes to sit with the first piece of string.

A few minutes later a piece of desheveld, tatered, worn string walks in to a bar and asks for a beer. 'Certainly', replies the barman,' but, execuse me, are you a piece of string?'

'no, I'm afraid not'

 

[andy_dyer]

This is one of my favourites... well we can't let this thread die now can we...

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

 

[andy_dyer]

One for the ladies...

Realising that there are a few female programmers out there (none in my office - more the pity!)

Thought I'd post a joke dedicated to all the women on the forum...

Classes for men at your local adult learning center

Sign up now!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays.
(A step by step guide, with slide presentation.)

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: do they grow on the holders?
(Round table discussion.)

Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub?
(Group practice.)

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor.
(Pictures and explanatory graphics.)

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
(Examples on video.)

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
(Helpline support and support groups.)

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
(Open forum.)

Topic 8 - Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
(Graphics and audio tape.)

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost.
(Real life testimonials.)

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
(Driving simulation.)

Topic 11 - Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
(Online class and role playing.)

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion.
(Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.)

Topic 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
(Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.)

**Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

 

[Fornatian]

short and sweet

A man walks into a fishmongers with a haddock under his arm. "Do you sell fish fingers" he asks. "of course we do" says the fishmonger, we wouldn't be proper fishmongers if we didn't". The man grins with glee and says "Oh good it's his birthday"

 

[Fornatian]

short and sweet

A man walks into a fishmongers with a haddock under his arm. "Do you sell fish fingers" he asks. "of course we do" says the fishmonger, we wouldn't be proper fishmongers if we didn't". The man grins with glee and says "Oh good it's his birthday"

 

[Mile-O]

Fishcakes, not fish fingers.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

The CEO of a company was addressing their top salesmen/women at their annual recognition dinner. The CEO said : "Now we are making a sale every 3 minutes."
One guy in the back shouted : "That is not good enough."
The CEO ignored him and continued : "With our new Sales Promotion Program, we will be making a sale every 2 minutes."
The same guy in the back shouted : "That is not good enough."
The CEO was irritated. The CEO said : " Sir, will you please stand up and tell me why that is not good enough?"
One guy stood up and said : "There is a sucker born evry minute."

 

[dgoulston]

some of the traditional oldies

long time since i been on ere,,,, o well here goes
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Who?
no need to cry its only a joke..................
------------------------------------------------------------------------

doctor doctor i feel like a snooker ball
go to the end of the cue........

------------------------------------------------------------------------

doctor doctor everyone keeps ignoring me
next please.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

man walks into a psychiatrists office wraped in cling film with nothing underneath
psychiatrist says: i can clearly see your nuts
------------------------------------------------------------------------

what do vampires cross the sea in?
blood vessels!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok ok if i think of anymore ill add later.

Dal

 

[Fornatian]

apologies, just recovering from a bout of man-flu (10 x normal flu)

 

[MadMaxx]

Q: What's the difference between a women and a freezer.
A: A freezer doesn't fart when you pull your meat out

 

[andy_dyer]

Ever wondered what your boss puts on your performance appraisal?

These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews:

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neurone short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

 

[Autoeng]

Fishcakes, not fish fingers.

Well, that made a bit more sense.

 

[andy_dyer]

Axis of Evil

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.

Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up...Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics."

Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

 

[andy_dyer]

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making aloud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Lisa is blonde.

 

[andy_dyer]

Just realised exactly how many bad jokes I do have...

Must apologise to the forum!!

 

[Autoeng]

Very funny ones Andy. Keep em coming.

 

[andy_dyer]

Well if you insist...

Australian Tourist Board Web-Site

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.

1.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I wanton contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.