What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[andy_dyer]

Ozzie Dingo Joke

An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company.

One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims proudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo."

The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Re: Ozzie Dingo Joke

"Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Knowledge is Power.

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Farmer’s Daughter

Chap working on the farm cut his finger. He went to the farmer and said I need this looked at. The farmer said, Best thing for that you’ is to go an stick it up a cows arse, brilliant disinfectant that! So off the lad went. Well it wasn’t long before he met the farmer’s daughter and she asked him what he was about, He told her what her father had said. No need to go all the way to the cowshed she said, you might as well stick it up my arse, well after a while she said hey, that’s not my arse, the lad said that’s not my finger!

 

[saintsman]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least twenty times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

 

[andy_dyer]

Send me to Prison!!

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things little bit more clear.

IN PRISON. . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON . . you get three meals a day.
AT WORK . . . you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON . . you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK . . . you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
AT WORK . you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON. . you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK. . . you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON. . you get your own toilet.
AT WORK. . . you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON. . they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK. . . you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON. . all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK. . . you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON. . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK. . . you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON . . . you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK . . . they are called managers.

So ....... why is it again that we work?

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Three women went to hospital maternity room to deliver their babies. Their husbands were waiting outside the maternity room.
A little later, a nurse came and said to Mr. Jones: "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
Jones said : "It makes sense. I work for the Minnesota twins."
Then a nurse came and said to Mr. Brown : "Congratulations! your wife had triplets!". Brown said : " I see the connection. I work for the 3M company."
The third man passed out. Everybody helped him. When he was alright, they asked him why he passed out.
He said : "I work for the 7UP company."

 

[billyr]

THis may well be my best

A man sits at the counter of a tavern and says "Give me a beer while I read this menu." The bartender puts a glass of beer on the counter and says "That'l be a penny." "Are you kidding? 1 penny?" "Yep" "Wow" "OK, I'm ready to order. I'll have the large steak, salad, and baked potatoe, and cheese cake." Bartender says "That'l run you into some real money." Customer says "Just fix it; I'm starved."
The food is set on the counter along with the check. The customer idly looks at the check and exclaims "4 cents! Is this a joke?" "I warned you ." says the bartender. Thrilled the customer exclaims "This is incredible. Where's the owner of this place?"
The bartender replies "He's upstairs, in bed with my wife!"

 

[andy_dyer]

The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors' orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he has been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a very real danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."

"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a nubile young nurse was giving patient a blow job.

"Oh my", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem - but he's with BUPA."

 

[Mile-O]

From an email I was sent yesteray:

Bobby Robson has come out and said that "I hope the critics will stop saying that my team has no penetration" and "The players have shown that they can come from behind". He also added, "My players are getting stuck in as a group and are pulling together. I must complement them on their positioning and in probing to find holes to score. All in all they displayed fantastic energy and showed no mercy. I just hope that next time, they can keep a clean sheet."

 

[andy_dyer]

Just stumbled upon this from an old email...

One of my favourites and reduces me to tears of laughter everytime!!!

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The mystery man is revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt,Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt?Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announed the Schitt?Happens wedding. The Schitt?Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them!

 

[andy_dyer]

Last one for now...

Apologies to the easily offended...

THE TOP 10 TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN THE WORD F*CK WAS APPROPRIATE

"What the f*ck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the f*ck did all these Indians come from?"
- General Custer

"But, it's so f*cking simple!!"
- Albert Einstein

"It does SO f*cking look like her!"
- Pablo Picasso

"How the f*ck did you work that out?"
- Pythagorus

"You want me to paint the whole f*cking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo

"I suppose a little f*cking rain would be too much to ask?"
- Joan of Arc

"Who the f*ck is going to know? "
- Bill Clinton

"Scattered f*cking showers...my ass."
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a f*cking hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy

 

[mitchem1]

<<The Doctor replied, "Same problem - but he's with BUPA.">>

What is BUPA?

 

[andy_dyer]

Sorry... they are one of the biggest Private Health Care companies in the UK!

I did actually think as soon as I posted that joke that anyone outside of the UK may not have a clue what I was talking about!!

 

[ed333]

The only joke I know

Well this is the only joke I know, apologies if I offend anyone



What is the smartest thing to ever have come out of a blonde's mouth?

Einstein's c*ck!

 

[balaji]

A train is passing through lush green farmland when suddenly, it leaves the tracks and starts running through the fields. After a while, the train returns to the tracks and continues on, to the utter amazement and shock of everyone on board.

At the next stop, all the passengers get out and confront the engineer. He tells them there was a guy standing on the tracks and he would not get off even though the horn was sounded several times. The passengers became really angry and asked the engineer why he was stupid enough to risk the lives of so many passengers to save one idiot's life.

The engineer immediately started defending himself. He said, "I am not that stupid! Once I realized he was not going to get off the tracks, I had decided that I had no choice but to run him over." The passengers were quite taken aback. "So you made the right decision. Then, how come the train left the tracks?" The engineer replied in all seriousness, "but at the last minute, the idiot leapt off the tracks and started running through the fields!"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A realtor was showing a house to a prospective buyer. The realtor said the house location is great.
On the north side, there is a fish market.
On the south side, there is the city dump.
On the east side, there is a chemical plant.
On the west side, there is a waste treatment plant.

The buyer was not pleased. The buyer asked,"What is good about the location?"
The realtor said, "You always know which way the wind is blowing."

 

[saintsman]

A businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt
off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his
round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself
home and back to work and everything would be fine.
He went to the front of the casino where a cab was waiting. He got in and
explained his situation to the cabbie, promising to send the driver money
from home. He even offered the cabbie his credit card numbers, his drivers
license number, his address, etc.-all to no avail.
"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" the cabbie
yelled. So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was
barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later, the businessman returned to Las Vegas and this time he
won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of
the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Then he recalled the
cabbie who wouldn't help him a year before.
Looking at the line of cabs at the hotel, he spotted the same cabbie at
the end of the line. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and smiled broadly when it
came to him.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, and asked, "How much for a
ride to the airport?"
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me on the way?" asked the businessman.
"What?! Get Out out of my cab, you scum," said the cabbie.
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the line of taxis and
asked the same questions, with the same result-getting kicked out of each
taxi.
When he got to cabbie who had refused to help him a year ago, he got in
and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
"Fifteen bucks," the cabbie replied.
The businessman said, "O.K," and off they went. And, as they drove slowly
past the long line of cabs at the hotel entrance, the businessman gave a big
smile and thumbs up sign to each cab driver.

 

[andy_dyer]

Last night I dreamt I had written 'Lord Of The Rings'. This morning I realised I'd just been Tolkein in my sleep.

 

[andy_dyer]

Running out of the long jokes, so now you get the short ones!!

I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?....

As soon as the currency changeover is complete the phrase "spending a penny" will be replaced by "Euronating"....

After the first design failed what did the man who invented the drawing board go back to ?....

what do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?? sistermatic....

wife looking at herself naked in front of mirror says i look big fat and ugly says to husband pay me a nice complment he says your eyesight is very good.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the screen. It said,'Parking Fine.'So that was nice."

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid,the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Why are hurricaines always named after women? Because when they arrive they're warm & torrid but when they leave they take your house & car!....

Why did the mexican throw his wife off the cliff.......
Tequela (think about it)

That'll keep you going!!

 

[Fornatian]

A man(the same man in the previous jokes, what an unlucky b*****d), phone his doctors emergency line. The doctor answers, the man says "Doctor, you've got to visit me immediately, I think I've punctured my colostomy bag". The doctor, concerned by the man's predicament says "Where are you ringing from?"

"The waist down" the man replies.