What's your best/worst joke? (4 Viewers)

[Pete Morris]

a husband and wife are in the bedroom.
The wife is in a state of undress, looks in the mirror and says i'm so fat and ugly, just look at me.

husband remains silent, and the wife indignant says,
well you could at least say something nice about me.

Husband replies,

well there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.

 

[Pete Morris]

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


cause it was dead

 

[FoFa]

They say all sheep are alike - actually they have mutton in common.

 

[indesisiv]

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly
trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.
He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries
everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now
and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.

The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the
back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this
time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies
with sarcasm " Scouse eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He
opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks
what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched
and the f*ckers have managed to nick a motorbike already.

 

[Pete Morris]

why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?




Because it was stapled to the first

 

[MrsGorilla]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . . . whether you're here or not."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Dr. Watson got tired of being put down by Sherlock Holmes every day.
One day Dr. Watson decided to impress Holmes with his Medical Eduaction.
Dr. Watson asked Mr. Holmes : "Do you know what school I attended?"

Sherlock Holmes replied : " That's elementary Watson, that's elementary!"

 

[Pete Morris]

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

It though it was a game.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Sherlock Holmes at IRS audit

The Internal Revenue Service (Income tax tax dept in US) was auditing Sherlock Holmes' tax return.

IRS man told Mr. Holmes, "Amazing deductions, Mr. Holmes! Can we see some detail backup data?"

 

[tiggy]

Sexist Joke season?

Woman are like carpets

Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of their lives

Tig

PS. My girlfriend said I could tell that joke

 

[Lister]

Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of their lives.

PS. My girlfriend said I could tell that joke

Looks like ya did a good job

 

[Rich]

Mind you don't trip over when the edges start to fray though

 

[Groundrush]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.

See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only
say it to D, but I said it to G.

See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,Mommy," she
yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered,all the other girls had
flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair
of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, it's because you're 25."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

poker game

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Francisco Pizarro?
There can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

More on Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping in the forest.
They’d gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke
and shook his companion.
“Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions of stars,” Watson answered.
“And what does that tell you?”
“It tells me that there are countless galaxies and billions of planets.
I see God is all-powerful and I am happy to be a creation of God.
And you Holmes?”
Holmes paused. “What I see, Watson, is that someone has stolen
our tent!”

 

[FoFa]

Why did the Buddhist refuse novocaine during his root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

[andy_dyer]

Two pieces of tarmac were sat in the pub having a pint when in walked a red piece of tarmac and went to the bar .

I'd keep away from him said one piece of tarmac to the other , he's a cyclepath.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Got this lot in an email today

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with ***dreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

 

[andy_dyer]

Hayley,

I got sent that same batch of jokes in one email a few months back but deleted it b4 I remembered to post it on the forum...

Guess it has done the rounds now, and am glad that you had the good sense to post it!!

 

[Hayley Baxter]

I get tons of "joke emails" some people just play all day while I have to work There was actually more on the email, you may have noticed that I left a few out. I'll remember to posts all of them from now on shall I?