What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)

[Hayley Baxter]

A Typical Male

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Baseball fan

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had
ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the
plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their
feet screaming "Run, run!" This happened two more times, with a single
and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into
the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire
called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The
Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye
rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing so the
Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next
to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and
explained, "He can't run because he got four balls." The Scotsman
immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man! Walk with
pride!

 

[The_Doc_Man]

A man in the uniform of a Scottish regiment walks into the local apothecary/drugstore. He walks up to the pharmacist and holds up the most disreputable looking condom ever seen. It has tire patches, duct tape, and several stitches in it.

The soldier asks the pharmacist, "How much to repair?" The pharmacist replies, "Twenty pence."

The soldier asks the pharmacist, "How much to replace?" The pharmacist replies, "Twenty-five pence."

The soldier walks out without a word. Fifteen minutes later he returns and confronts the pharmacist, saying "The regiment has voted to replace."

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Now this is a story from South Louisiana, USA, which is my home. It is about the Cajun people, who are inherently storytellers supreme.

Boudreaux (Boo-drow) is sitting on a short pier, obviously sad. His friend Alcide (al-seed) sees him and says, "Boudreaux, what's wrong?"

Boudreaux says, "Life is just not fair. People forget the good t'ings you do and remember the bad t'ings."

Alcide said, "So wha's the problem today?"

Boudreaux says, "You see dem piers up and down the bayou here? I done built most o' dem. But do dey call me Boudreaux the pier builder? No."

After a minute, he continues. "You see dem boat houses all along dis bayou? I done built about two-t'irds of dem, too. But do dey call me Boudreaux the boat-house builder? No."

After another moment of silence, he says, "And you see dem pirogues (pee-rogue) up and down dis bayou? I done built way more dan half o' dem. But do dey call me Boudreaux the pirogue maker? No."

Alcide says, "Well Boudreaux, I know what you built and what you done up and down dis bayou, but I STILL don' know what you so sad about."

Boudreaux says, "Well, I done all dem t'ings and everyone forget about dem. But you let me get drunk ONE night and f*ck ONE goat..."

 

[Pete Morris]

a husband and wife are in the bedroom.
The wife is in a state of undress, looks in the mirror and says i'm so fat and ugly, just look at me.

husband remains silent, and the wife indignant says,
well you could at least say something nice about me.

Husband replies,

well there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.

 

[Pete Morris]

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


cause it was dead

 

[FoFa]

They say all sheep are alike - actually they have mutton in common.

 

[indesisiv]

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly
trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.
He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries
everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now
and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.

The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the
back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this
time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies
with sarcasm " Scouse eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He
opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks
what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched
and the f*ckers have managed to nick a motorbike already.

 

[Pete Morris]

why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?




Because it was stapled to the first

 

[MrsGorilla]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . . . whether you're here or not."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Dr. Watson got tired of being put down by Sherlock Holmes every day.
One day Dr. Watson decided to impress Holmes with his Medical Eduaction.
Dr. Watson asked Mr. Holmes : "Do you know what school I attended?"

Sherlock Holmes replied : " That's elementary Watson, that's elementary!"

 

[Pete Morris]

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

It though it was a game.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Sherlock Holmes at IRS audit

The Internal Revenue Service (Income tax tax dept in US) was auditing Sherlock Holmes' tax return.

IRS man told Mr. Holmes, "Amazing deductions, Mr. Holmes! Can we see some detail backup data?"

 

[tiggy]

Sexist Joke season?

Woman are like carpets

Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of their lives

Tig

PS. My girlfriend said I could tell that joke

 

[Lister]

Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of their lives.

PS. My girlfriend said I could tell that joke

Looks like ya did a good job

 

[Rich]

Mind you don't trip over when the edges start to fray though

 

[Groundrush]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.

See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only
say it to D, but I said it to G.

See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,Mommy," she
yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered,all the other girls had
flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair
of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, it's because you're 25."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

poker game

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Francisco Pizarro?
There can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

More on Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping in the forest.
They’d gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke
and shook his companion.
“Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions of stars,” Watson answered.
“And what does that tell you?”
“It tells me that there are countless galaxies and billions of planets.
I see God is all-powerful and I am happy to be a creation of God.
And you Holmes?”
Holmes paused. “What I see, Watson, is that someone has stolen
our tent!”

 

[FoFa]

Why did the Buddhist refuse novocaine during his root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.