What's your best/worst joke?

[Uncle Gizmo]

Ain't it the truth!

https://twitter.com/x/status/1922410894451212580

 

[CJ_London]

Ain't it the truth!

looks like the truth has been banned....

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

What did you say?

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

https://twitter.com/x/status/1926317696213225529

 

[Isaac]

 

[Cotswold]

Not too bad!

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Not too bad!

I've been known to answer the "how are you" question with "somehow surviving." Not too bad?

 

[NauticalGent]

Not too bad!

Hilarious!

 

[Cotswold]

I've been known to answer the "how are you" question with "somehow surviving." Not too bad?

If you were from Lancashire and parts of Yorkshire, you may get "fair to middlin' " and in some places "yeah........fine"

Of course the answer nobody wants is "well as you asked....." followed by a parade of illnesses, or disasters.
In which case you just stand there shifting from one foot to the other, hoping that the ground beneath you will open and swallow you up. disappear.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

I had a cousin who, before she died, was clearly the wrong person for the "how are you" question. Her health wasn't that good because she smoked and had emphysema - for real... but THEN she was also a hypochondriac. When she answered that question, it was always in a wheezy, whiny voice and she enumerated huge numbers of ailments. It was bad enough that you would wish for something described in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy regarding Vogon poetry. The poetry was SO bad that your entrails would spontaneously burst from your abdomen and strangle you to death as an act of mercy.

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

It's always better to compromise, you never know what the other person knows!

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

you may get "fair to middlin' "

One of the best local expressions I ever heard was 'God Christ Ah'

I asked chatty about it, and chatty said:-

The expression **"God Christ Ah"** is noted as a local exclamation, particularly associated with the Wiltshire dialect in England, as mentioned in sources like Urban Dictionary. It’s typically used to express surprise, frustration, annoyance, or shock, similar to other interjections like "Oh my God!" or "Jesus Christ!" The phrase combines references to "God" and "Christ" with "Ah," which adds an emphatic or emotional tone, often reflecting the speaker’s immediate reaction to a situation.

- **Context and Usage**:
- In Wiltshire, England, this expression is described as a colorful way to convey strong emotions, akin to saying "Fuck me!" or "Shit!" in moments of surprise or irritation. It’s a dialect-specific phrase that carries a sense of local flavor and is likely used informally among speakers familiar with the regional vernacular.
- For example, someone might say "God Christ Ah!" after narrowly avoiding an accident or hearing unexpected news, emphasizing the intensity of the moment.

- **Linguistic Breakdown**:
- **"God" and "Christ"**: These are invocations of divine names, commonly used in English-speaking cultures as exclamations. Using "Christ" in such phrases can be seen as mildly blasphemous in religious contexts, though it’s often secular in casual speech.
- **"Ah"**: This is an interjection that amplifies the expression, adding a drawn-out, emotive sound. As noted in sources like Wiktionary, "Ah" can convey a range of feelings—surprise, relief, or frustration—depending on tone and context. In this case, it likely serves to punctuate the phrase with a dramatic flair.

- **Cultural Notes**:
- The phrase’s inclusion in Wiltshire dialect suggests it’s rooted in local speech patterns, possibly among working-class or rural communities where expressive, unfiltered language is common.
- While not widespread, it’s a vivid example of how regional dialects create unique expressions that blend religious references with emotional outbursts.

- **Comparison to Similar Expressions**:
- It’s similar to "Jesus H. Christ!" in American English, which is used for surprise or frustration, with the "H" adding a humorous or emphatic twist (possibly from the Greek monogram for Jesus, IHS). Likewise, "God Christ Ah" uses "Ah" to achieve a similar effect.
- In British English, you might hear "Bloody hell!" or "Christ Almighty!" in comparable situations, but "God Christ Ah" stands out for its distinct regional character.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

- It’s similar to "Jesus H. Christ!" in American English, which is used for surprise or frustration, with the "H" adding a humorous or emphatic twist (possibly from the Greek monogram for Jesus, IHS).

In the USA, as noted by Uncle G., you WILL sometimes hear "Jesus H. Christ" - said vehemently as an exclamation and swear-word at the same time. But if you ask, it has nothing to do with "IHS" (Latin acronym for Iesus Hominem Salvator). You find out that the "H" stands for "Hallmark - when you care enough to send the very best."

 

[Isaac]

In the USA, as noted by Uncle G., you WILL sometimes hear "Jesus H. Christ" - said vehemently as an exclamation and swear-word at the same time. But if you ask, it has nothing to do with "IHS" (Latin acronym for Iesus Hominem Salvator). You find out that the "H" stands for "Hallmark - when you care enough to send the very best."

Never heard that one before

 

[Cotswold]

warning strong language!

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Now I'm not very good at grammar, but an example like that is worth a thousand words!

 

[The_Doc_Man]

- It’s similar to "Jesus H. Christ!" in American English, which is used for surprise or frustration,

Since this IS in the "joke" forum, I'll mention this old joke from a couple of decades ago:

"What do the New Orleans Saints football team and the Rev. Billy Graham have in common?"

"Both can make a stadium of 70,000 people jump up and scream 'Jesus Christ'."

 

[Cotswold]

Since this IS in the "joke" forum, I'll mention this old joke from a couple of decades ago:.........................

Hey Doc, fortunately the title of this does include for a worst joke. So 10/10 on that

 

[Cotswold]

Whilst everyone tries to keep fit in body, according to new research by the UK Beer & Wine Lobby Group, alcohol fine tunes the brain.
As you drink alcohol it will naturally kill off brain cells. During this process the weakest cells are obviously removed.
Leaving only the strongest and best active brain cells. Thereby improving and fine tuning the brain.

 

[CJ_London]

A 96-year-old woman's note to her bank! Priceless!

The following is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

----------------------------

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.

From now on.., I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course,

I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.

Please press the buttons as follows:

Press 1: To make an appointment to see me.

Press 2: To query a missing payment.

Press 3: To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

Press 4: To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

Press 5: To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

Press 6: To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

Press 7: To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

Press 8: To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.