What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[smercer]

Hi all

Here are some funny pictures
enjoy

 

[smercer]

Donations To Bush

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "President Bush is just so depressed about being behind in the polls that he stopped his motorcade
in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says he can't find donators to give him money for his campaign. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"

 

[smercer]

Windows 95 Source Code

Warning: do not compile; unpredictable results
Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_blank_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_blank_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_blank_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows_95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)

dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}


void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

 

[smercer]

A Cheap Train Ride

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

 

[Groundrush]

Famous Sexy Quotes...

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Woody Allen


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

Lynn Lavner


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."

Jerry Seinfeld


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams


" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers


" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."

Steve Martin


" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips


" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde


" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

 

[smercer]

More funny pictures. sorry if I offend anyone.

 

[GSM]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working
under your vehicle...
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have
their car break down in the parking lot.The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the
car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack
of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable
to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything
back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 

[smercer]

This one has swearing so turn your head if it offends you

Italian Vacation

You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work:

One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I
tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you
no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss
on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla
me a sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eata lunch ata drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a
spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me
everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the
table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla
the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet.
So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better
not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.

I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss
on you too, you sonna ma bitch.

I go back to Italy.

 

[smercer]

How Much Is That Barbie In The Window
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?"
She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

 

[smercer]

Sorry goes to the women

Martha Vs. Real Women

Martha Stewart Vs. Real Women:

sent in by Cousin Gene

MARTHA STEWART

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up.

REAL WOMEN

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
-----------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
REAL WOMEN
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
-----------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

REAL WOMEN
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
REAL WOMEN
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for
up to a year.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
REAL WOMEN
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
REAL WOMEN
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
REAL WOMEN
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

And finally the most important tip -
MARTHA STEWART
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
REAL WOMEN
Leftover wine??

 

[smercer]

The Blind And The Dog
John was waiting to cross the street when a blind man approached with his guide-dog. The traffic sign turned green and instead of helping its master to cross, the dog raised its rear leg and peed on the shoes of the blind man.
Observing that, the blind man reached into his pocket and offered the dog a cookie.
John told the blind man in amazement, "If it is my dog I'd have kicked its butt!". The blind man calmly replied, "I'm going to. But I need to find its head first".

 

[smercer]

Right, its pick on Microsoft day ha ha

Microsoft CRAP

REDMOND, Wa -- November 8th, 1995 -- Microsoft announed today a new software package called currently Computer Response Automation Program, or C.R.A.P. This is a system for Win95 in which is automaticly chooses what you do and do not want to do. After watching you use your computer for one day it automaticly "learns" how to do what you do. This includes pressing certain buttons in dialog boxes, opening usual programs and entering in data.
Currently in its beta version, the users it is targetting for (Computer Idiots (All registered users of BOB)) have all had a similar reaction of liking the computer to make all of its decisions for them. "Its great to sit down and find out what my computer ordered me off of America On-Line!". Currently the only bug found in the system is that it will periodically sign you onto the Microsoft Network, and order random Microsoft products using your credit card. Microsoft commented by saying "We plan on making it a full feature by release time, which will be by 1996." Apple was asked for a comment on this new product and simply said "Hahahahaha". IBM refused to comment on the situation, fearing the press may bring up the OS/2 shenanigan. Most users of BOB and all users of Win95 will be eligable for this program, which will be supplied free of charge by Microsoft. It is bundled with a new version of Quicken, the popular money managment software, which is modified to work with C.R.A.P. The Justice Department will be investigating Microsoft on claims that the new Quicken allows Microsoft access to your bank accounts, Bill Gates commented on this with "Most users of [Win95] couldn't balance their checkbook if they tried, we are simply easing their life by controling their finances. Is that a crime?"
Microsoft stock jumped 253 points the same day that their beta versions of C.R.A.P. were installed on all NYSE computer terminals. Microsoft C.R.A.P. updates will soon be released free to all users on the Web or via free CDROM which installs itself. "It's like not having a computer, but having one. Truley amazing revolution in technology," A CNN analyst bought by Microsoft said, "It will revolutionize all of the revolutions in the revolutionary Win95 revolution in technology." Microsoft announced that C.R.A.P. will not be availible for the Macintosh system or WinNT because they are "too smart, we might get caught" said a contact inside Microsoft for the AP.

 

[smercer]

Top 15 Things People Think the '95' in 'Windows 95' Really Stands For

15. The 95 stands for average CPH : Crash Per Hour.
14. Bill Gates' age when it ships.
13. The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.
12. The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.
11. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.
10. The number of floppies it will ship in.
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
7. The number of pages in the EASY-INSTALL version of the manual.
6. The percentage of existing windoze programs that won't run in the new OS.
5. The number of minutes to install.
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
2. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.
1. The year it was due to ship.

 

[smercer]

The Man From Microsoft

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
"Not you again," I said.
"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."
Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"No," I said.
"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."
"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."
"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."
The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.
"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"
"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."
"People without computers?"
"Got 'em."
"Amazonian Indians?"
"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
"The Amish."
"Check."
"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"
"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."
"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"
"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."
"No."
"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.
"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."
"It did."
"Pardon?"
"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."
"So what happened?"
"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
"Go away," I said.
"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
"You have got to be kidding," I said.
"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL."
"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash."
"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident."
"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"
"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."
"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.
"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"
The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.
"'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"
"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.
I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.

 

[smercer]

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
• They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
• Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
• Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
• Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
• Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.

 

[smercer]

The Usenet Oracle responds on Windows 95

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
O great Oracle, the one who sees all and knows all, please accept this humble question from thy grovelling supplicant... Why is Windows 95 Beta so bug-ridden it's not funny?
And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:
THE SCENE: A dark antechamber of the Gates estate, dimly lit by three 20" monitors suspended from the ceiling. In the middle of the room is a Pentium/100Hz, sheathed in a black casing. Three programmers dance around the machine, chanting horribly. Their pale, clammy complexion is cast hideously by the light of the monitors, rendered even more repugnant to the watchful eye bye the 60Hz flicker of the monitors.
FIRST PROGRAMMER: Thrice the brinded net hath mewed.
SECOND PROGRAMMER: Thrice, and once the Warp-pig whined.
THIRD PROGRAMMER: MacHarpier cries. 'Tis time, 'tis time!
FIRST: Round about the terminal go;
In the poisoned upgrade throw.
Code, which by a student done
In minutes numbering sixty-one.
Run-time error, protection fault,
Crash ye first, crash ye shalt.
ALL (as they dance around the Pentium):
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Tempers burn and data bubble.
SECOND: Fillet of a Sound Card bake,
In the Pentium no sound make;
Point of arrow, click of mouse,
Scream of user, frightened spouse,
OS/2's net use appeal,
Steve Jobs' look and Wozniak's feel.
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble;
Tempers burn and data bubble.
THIRD: Click "Start" button, speed of slug,
You would think you forgot the plug.
Multitasking, ha ha ho
If just one worked you'd be good to go.
This should grab those straggling few
Who aren't using DOS 6.22.
Now we shall the Mac eclipse,
While curse words cross our users' lips.
Leave the errors in so we can fix
And sell more...Windows 96!
And so we will release the Beta
For corruption of their data.
ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble;
Users buy, our profits double.
SECOND: Compile it with errors through,
Since the users have no clue.
(Enter Bill Gates to the other three programmers.)
Gates: O, well done! I commend your pains,
And everyone shall share i' the gains.
And now about the program get,
But NEVER use it on OUR net.
Security is scarce put in.
(Beeps of Pong heard in the background.)
(Exit Gates.)
SECOND WITCH: By the usage of my UMBs
Wicked Windows this way comes.
Open locks,
Whoever knocks!
(Fade to black.)

 

[smercer]

Microsoft VS. GM
At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."

 

[smercer]

Helicopter Problem
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

 

[smercer]

Windows
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

 

[smercer]

Meeting Bill
Gates (CEO of Microsoft), Andy Grove(CEO of Intel) and Jerry Sanders (CEO of AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.
Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.
Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere."
The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.
When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?"
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."