What's your best/worst joke?

[Groundrush]

Why We Love Children

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
""No, you had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice: "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy S%@t! A talking chicken!'" the teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong; she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A little girl asked her mother,
"Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get BREASTS too."

 

[maxmangion]

1.
A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".


2.
A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.

The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied,
"They will in a minute."


3.
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers
and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."


4.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


5.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and
say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
She's dead. "


6.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."


7.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples.

 

[PookaTech]

A chicken and an egg are in a shady motel gettin it on. After 10 minutes the chicken gets off the egg and lights a smoke. The egg then turns to the chicken and says, "well, I guess that answers that question."

Pookatech

 

[smercer]

Y2k My Ass

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

 

[smercer]

Meeting Bill Gates

Gates (CEO of Microsoft), Andy Grove(CEO of Intel) and Jerry Sanders (CEO of AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.
Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.
Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere."
The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.
When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?"
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."

 

[smercer]

More funny pictures (these are clean)

 

[ReAn]

A man walks into a bar.... Ouch.

 

[Idjit]

Once upon a time there was a stork family -- a papa, a mama and a baby. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked, "Papa stork, where were you last night?"

"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa.

Several weeks later mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When she did come in, baby stork asked, "Mama, where were you last night?"

"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.

"Out scaring the college students," replied baby stork.

 

[Newman]

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a vw beetle?
A: Four.[...]

Another stupid one about elephants:
Q: How do you count how many elephants are in a porcelaine store?
A: 4 x number of vw beetles.

 

[fuzzygeek]

New styles

Many of the "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how they should present themselves. There are
unsure about the kind of image they are projecting and whether or not they
are correct as they try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you
may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go
together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when
you shop

 

[Ally]

? Depends ?????

 

[fuzzygeek]

Depends!

Depends -- Definition

 

[fuzzygeek]

One Brave Pig

a city slicker was driving through the country one day and saw a three legged pig standing in front of a farm house. he became interested in what had happened to the pig so he pulled up and knocked on the farm house door. the door opened and out stepped the farmer. the city slicker asked, how did that pig come to have only three legs?

well, the farmer said, one night my son went out to the well for water and was attacked by a bear. the pig came to my son's rescue, fighting tooth and nail with the bear until it was finally driven off. the pig was badly injured but lived to be our hero.

the city slicker said, wow, that's a pretty incredible pig, so that's how it came to have only three legs?

well, no said the farmer, one afternoon we learned that a mine down the road had caved in and several miners were trapped. we ran down the road to help and the pig followed us. when we got to the mine, the pig squeezed through what remained of the entrance and was able to find and free the miners who were trapped under timbers. he escorted them out of the mine. the entrance completed collapsed nearly killing the pig who was the last to leave. the town all agreed that the pig was a true hero.

the city slicker said again, what a smart brave pig, so that's when it lost its leg?

well, no said the farmer, early one morning a fire broke out in the farm house. the pig smelled the smoke and came into the house and led each of us to safety. the porch collapsed in flames around the pig as he led the last of us out. the volunteer fire chief said the pig had done the work of five firemen.

the city slicker was visibly moved by the bravery of the pig but was pretty impatient by this time and declared, so that was when the pig lost his leg!

well, no said the farmer. it's just that this pig is too darn good to eat all at once.

 

[accessimpaired]

best/worsejoke... I thought this was funny may try it someday

> A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying
>home because she's not feeling well.
>
> "What's the matter?", he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she
>says in a weak voice.
>
> "What in the hell is anal glaucoma?"
>
> "I just can't see my ass coming into work today" she replied.
>

 

[fuzzygeek]

A Farmer

A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.”
So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”
“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”
Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

 

[GSM]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have
another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have
a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by
an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you
said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the
path of the ambulance!?"

God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would
just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's
old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since
it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital
organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her
doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on
a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.
==================================================

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem and not London ?

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Dave

 

[GSM]

If Operating systems were airlines

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off...

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty -- only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no plane appears to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.

Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but all of them believe they arrived.

Wings of OS/400: The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your accounting department can call it overhead.

MVS Air Lines: The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet can have more engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers than there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless you personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realize that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

mexican bungee jump

MEXICAN BUNGEE JUMP


One day while they're bungee jumping, Oley says to Sven, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.


" Sven thinks it's a great idea, and so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up their equipment on the town square. As they constructed the tower, a crowd began to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gathered to watch them at work. When the tower was finished, the crowd was so large that Oley and Sven thought it would be smart to give a demonstration.

They climbed the tower together. Oley strapped Sven into the harness -- and Sven jumped. Sven bounced at the end of the cord, but when he came back up, Oley noticed he had a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Oley couldn't grab him before he fell again. When he bounced up a second time, Sven was bruised and bleeding. Again, Oley failed to catch him. Sven went down again and bounced back up. By the time Oley caught him, Sven was nearly unconscious, with a couple of broken bones.


Alarmed, Oley asked, "What happened?!? Was the cord too long?"


Barely able to speak, Sven gasped, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"

 

[GSM]

Johnny, what is your problem?

"Johnny, what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in
third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.

The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times
three?"
"Nine, Sir."
"How much is nine times six?"
"Fifty four."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know.
The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to
third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
"Pockets!"

"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants."

"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin whitish liquid?"
"Coconut."

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Johnny was taking charge.
"Bubblegum!"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?"
"Shake hands, Ma'am."

"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one; You stick
your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before
you do."
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored, the best
man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on
the ball with "Wedding Ring!"

"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you
feel good."
"Nose."

"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a
quiver."
"Arrow."

"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K',
and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Firetruck, Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send
him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"