What's your best/worst joke? (14 Viewers)

[Rich]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'



Poof!...God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.



After witnessing that, the second man prayed: ' God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river '



Poof! … God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.



Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: ' God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river '



Poof! . He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!​

 

[redneckgeek2]

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?
Cooter's wife gave it to me, Ronnie replies.
That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?

Well, not exactly, Donnie says. When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow.
She said, you must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.
Then I said, I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

 

[oumahexi]

Dear Abbey,



I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.'


I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.



Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.


Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

 

[namliam]

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

hehehe *chuckle*

 

[Alisa]

Has anyone posted this one yet?

Clever Newfie

A Newfie was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests
Full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man,
'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the Newfie. 'I ain't got none of dem dere
Licenses. I don't need one . You must understand, by, dese here is
My pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Dat's de trut' bye. Every night, I take dese fish down to de
Cove and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Den, when I whistles, dey Jump right back into dese here ice chests and I takes 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The Newfie looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's de
Trut Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O.K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The Newfie stood on a rock and poured the fish into the cove.
Then he stood and looked out to sea.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the Newf.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the Newfie.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers on
de mainland but by the lard tundering jaysus we ain't as dumb as some
Government employees.

 

[namliam]

hehe, but whats a Newfie??

A local person of... ??? Newfoundland? New York? no thats Yankee... LOL

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Boudreaux the Cajun duck hunter was known to be near-fanatic about duck hunting. From the first day of duck season until the last day of the season, and every day in between, he's on the pond hunting ducks. If the season were extended, he would hunt on those days, too.

So after the election of the new parish (read "county" if not in Louisiana) president, Boudreaux makes an appointment with him. On the appointed day, Boudreaux walks in to president Thibault's office. Thibault says, "What can I do for you, Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux says, "I love hunting ducks, I need another month added to duck hunting season so I can hunt them some more."

Thibault says, "OK, I'll see what I can do. What do you want to call it?"

Boudreaux says, "What do I want to call WHAT?"

Thibault says, "If you want to add a new month to duck hunting season, you got to name that month. Otherwise, what they going to print on the calendars for that 13th month, huh?"



(Which might be why no Cajun parishes are on the list of those voting places that are monitored as "So goes the precinct, so goes the nation...")

 

[wazz]

hehe, but whats a Newfie??

A local person of... ??? Newfoundland? New York? no thats Yankee... LOL

Newfoundland. and the written accent in the joke is accurate!

 

[scott-atkinson]

Men are just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

[scott-atkinson]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

 

[TessB]

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

Oh how I hope I've read that wrong.

 

[Final Score]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

[statsman]

Overheard at lunch today.

I have 2 problems with Beyonce's new song "If I Were A Boy".

1. If I released a song called "If I Were A Girl" the radio stations would be inundated with protests that "We're not girls, we're WOMEN!!!".

2. The song should never have been released. Men just don't whine about the things she is complaining about in her song.

 

[Rich]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

 

[Rich]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

‘I don't want to know,’ the child said, bursting into tears. ‘Promise me you won't tell me.’
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, ‘When I was six, I got the “There's no Easter Bunny speech.”’
At seven, I got the ‘There's no Tooth Fairy’ speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There's no Santa’ speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!!!

 

[Rich]

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's ****** with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters..

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ the other 15% haven't been to prison yet

Bastards! Just been thrown out & barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I didn't know was the 'S' had come off the logo!!

Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on .. .My face

I've just been 2 my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but f*ck me, pass the parcel was lightening fast!

I dunno what all the fuss is about this shark coming to Cornwall . It's the first thing in ages that's tried to get in this country that's f*cking white !!

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that's the best shag I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?

If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day, lovers celebrate valentines day, do wankers celebrate palm sunday?

Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 5lbs.' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st. 'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day.' 'What from hunger said the doc?'..'No from the f........g skipping!'

THE BBC HAVE SAID THAT BLACK AND ASIANS ARE NOT REPRESENTED ENOUGH ON TV SO THEY'RE PUTTING CRIMEWATCH ON TWICE A WEEK.

Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients they just need a tosser.

 

[Alisa]

Dear Fellow Constituent:

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations. The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.

The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.

The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.

The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.

The library will also include many famous Quotes by George W. Bush:

The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared.

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.

The future will be better tomorrow.

We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. (during an education photo-op)

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made....George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson

PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!
Sincerely,
Jack Abramoff, Co-Chair
G.W. Bush Library Board of Directors

 

[wazz]

Jack Abramoff, Co-Chair

hahaha. great finish.

 

[HiArt]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

I had a differnt punchline: "grandma what are you doing to that TV?",

"Well, I also find that if i twiddled his knobs and hit him occasionally my Boyfriend works just fine".

erm......

I'll get my coat

 

[scott-atkinson]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed
the tube & Mick came on the bus!!


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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The
stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen ****** than let
liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'


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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people
are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'


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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.


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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of
amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'


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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses &
lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'


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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a
dodgy one!


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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!


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Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts
tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a
light switch away!


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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which
point Paddy said 'I dont think thats her, she wasnt that tall!'


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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad
in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'


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An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very
tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'


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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'


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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say
'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'


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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &
stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like
you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k
out of you if I could swim!'


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