What's your best/worst joke? (45 Viewers)

[Dick7Access]

We vote some of them in to office!

Yes, some of them over and over again. It's been a long time ago but some legislator in the US thought that if we did move some of the people on a certain island it might flip over.

 

[kevlray]

Like the line from the Wizard of Oz. "If I only had a brain".

 

[veraloopy]

What's E.T. short for??


Cause he's got little legs

 

[ConnorGiles]

Well Played Veraloopy, Well Played

 

[Rx_]

New Human Species discovery: slowmosapien

You have already notice them. You are walking down a sidewalk or hallway. Suddenly there is this group (flock) of slow moving individuals. They clump together and prevent the rest of us from walking at normal speed.

Some of them stop to look at something in the narrow walkway parts. They can't walk two meters forward where it widens and stop. It must be the narrowpart or doorway. The others of thier kind then stop to look too.

They are very noticable at the top of of escallators, stairs or elevator entrances. You will notice them on your next lunch break.

For years, we suspected they were just clueless, rude, or Central Bankers. Now we realize it is genetic. It is just part of who they are and what they do.

 

[Steve R.]

XKCD Cartoon. Are you coming to bed?
I can't. Someone is wrong on the internet.

There was a cartoon of a very emaciated unkempt guy at a workstation. His wife was standing by, he looks at her with very tired bloodshot eyes. He tells her: "Did it, I reached the end of the internet!!".
Unfortunately, I was unable to find the cartoon.

 

[Rx_]

These words are useful to know when reading responses (answers) to Access-Programmers Forum Posting:
pontification pontificate (redirected from pontification)
1. to speak or behave in a pompous or dogmatic manner.
Examples: Any question on the best way to... (fill in the blank)

puntification puntificate (redirected from puntification)
1. to unexpectantly be required to authoritatively address a question one has little idea about or absolutely no prior knowledge of.....
Examples:
Access Question: Is it possible to re-write my APL Application into a Access DB?
Forum Answer: No, APL is a Write-Only lanugage.

punticipation
1. The feeling of wanting to take part in the answer using only the brilliance of your pun in response to the question.
Examples:
Access Question: Our Access programmer designing the chemical table died. Can anyone help me understand what is a Primary Key?
Forum Answer: That's sad... Where did they barium?

 

[Dick7Access]

Vice President Biden being interview about the Attorney General nominee “Loretta Lynch”, said he thinks she will make a good Attorney General, and besides she’s such a good singer, I especially like her song a “Coal Miners Daughter”.

 

[pmlee]

A hooker walks into a bar and says, "bartender, gimme a beer". He says, "Anheuser Busch"? She says, "Good and how's your penis?".

 

[ConnorGiles]

Gnome Shortage

 

[Frothingslosh]

Jesus saves. Everyone else takes 10d6 damage.

 

[ConnorGiles]

D&D reference. Nice!

 

[Rx_]

After conducting a brief survey, it was determined that there were not enough jokes about the President of the US. There is a tradition here in the US. We elect the biggest joke so we can laugh at them.
Onward with our great traditions:

What kind of doctor do you need to fix Obamacare?
A URLologist

Q: How did Barack Obama propose to Michelle Robinson?
A: He got down on one knee and said "I don't wanna be Obama self.

Q: Did you hear about the reporter who asked Obama a hard question?
A: Neither have I!

Q: How can Barack Obama get the wealthy to pay their taxes?
A: By nominating them to a cabinent post!

"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation. " —Jay Leno​

"President Obama was very successful in his plans for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the wealthy, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, the Republican thought he was the REpublican candidate." –Jay Leno​

"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." —Jay Leno​

<tax time> "President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, J.P. Morgan Stanley -- all his personal dependents." --Jay Leno​

"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. "Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting and the ones he is starting." –Bill Maher​

 

[Rx_]

Computer Programming formulas and data types matter.
One plus One equals Two - unless it is a very large value of Two.

 

[Rx_]

An Rx_ Fable or Bedtime stories so kids are prepared for the real world

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into an abandon Well.
The farmer should have taken more care to put a fence around that well for safety. But, he had put it off and now the donkey was at the bottom of this deep hole in the ground.

The animal cried piteously for days as The farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, the farmer decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
It just wasn't worth the farmers time or money to retrieve the old donkey. Yes, the old donkey had worked hard. Had made the farmer life better and been a friend. But now, the farmer had to make a choice between the old donkey or spending money.

The farmer bought some beer and invited all his neighbors to come over to a party to help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel a nearby large pile of dried manure into the well.
At first, the old donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly at the though of being buried alive.
Then, to everyone's amazement the donkey quieted down.

Many shovel loads later, the farmer finally sat his beer down and looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of manure that hit the old donkey's back, the donkey was doing something amazing. he would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel the manure on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! The farmer of course took credit for this success.

Remember: Life is going to shovel manure on you, all kinds of manure. It doesn't matter how hard you worked or how dedicated you were. The trick to getting out of the hole is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest holes just by not stopping,
Never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. And, don't worry if someone else gets the credit.

Plan your Options:
After eating, the donkey went that night to wash his mouth in the septic tank. The donkey later came back that night now that every one else had gone, and bit the farmer who had neglected to keep him safe and then tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually slowly died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S STORY:

When you do something wrong, or neglect to do what is right and try to cover your ass, or write-off those who were dedicated to you:
It will usually comes back to bite you.

 

[Rx_]

My favorite brand of Bacon Bits:

Bill and Hillery Clinton go to Dinner: Image

I will never need a watch again

 

[Rx_]

A guy texts his neighbor:
Dear Keith : I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you.
I know it’s no excuse, but I don't get it at home.
I can't live with the guilt any longer.
I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again.

The neighbor, feeling outrage and betrayed, goes in to confront his wife.
She denies everything, he persist with the confrontation.

During the confrontation, the guy gets a second text:

Damn, I really should see what spell check auto-corrects before sending! That should be "wifi" not "wife" ... Sorry!

 

[Rx_]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a
bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It's really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not
hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the
younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she
burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped
her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The
older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor
was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.

"Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[Dick7Access]

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

 

[Dick7Access]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?


Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.



At this point the husband started choking up and sniffing
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.