What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[NauticalGent]

Did you hear about the constipated accountants - he worked it out with a pencil...

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Ohh, Gent, that hurts thinking about it. But in the process of working it out with a pencil, did he also get the lead out?

 

[w99t]

A man walks in a bar.
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

 

[nfk]

Whats the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

nfk - it is, indeed, a joke thread. But there seems to be some bitterness here. That joke is more attacking than funny. We chose to disagree with your position on Access; in my case, it was for pragmatic reasons but others have their own reasons. I'll just say that there is no need to be nasty.

 

[nfk]

nfk - it is, indeed, a joke thread. But there seems to be some bitterness here. That joke is more attacking than funny. We chose to disagree with your position on Access; in my case, it was for pragmatic reasons but others have their own reasons. I'll just say that there is no need to be nasty.

Empirical evidence of the witch-hunt I've been denouncing since day 1. Its a good joke, you should try it at a family dinner, for example.

 

[Dick7Access]

Empirical evidence of the witch-hunt I've been denouncing since day 1. Its a good joke, you should try it at a family dinner, for example.

You probable eat with the same mouth?

 

[The_Doc_Man]

nfk, that joke is NFG

 

[scott-atkinson]

Empirical evidence of the witch-hunt I've been denouncing since day 1. Its a good joke, you should try it at a family dinner, for example.

Are you Colin in disguise...

 

[The_Doc_Man]

And just as a side note regarding your signature, nfk...

I'm from south Louisiana. Hurricane Betsy taught me the power of a storm. Hurricanes have taken whole trees down on my property. Hurricane Katrina flooded my house and killed people I knew. Those of us who live here quickly learn that life is too short to let hate become an issue. We learned that life is worth celebrating. So folks who don't understand us wonder why New Orleans seems to be such a party city. It is because we are alive to share another day and some good times with one another.

Therefore, ... and this is JUST a suggestion - don't be a Microsoft Access Hater. Instead, sign yourself with what you LOVE. Be a POSITIVE thinker. Just sayin' ...

 

[NauticalGent]

Are you Colin in disguise...

Gotta agree with Tony on this one, Colin E is much more eloquent and mature with his style of contriteness. The example you're referring to is juvenile and just plain 'ignant.

 

[Dick7Access]

Hey, can we get back to jokes? I am running out of material.

 

[NauticalGent]

So, a horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face...?"

Ba doop-doop....

 

[Rabbie]

A white horse walks into a bar and asks for a whisky The barman say "We have a whisky named after you"
The horse replies " I've never heard of a whisky called Eric"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: First Day of School

My youngest child was thrilled when her turn came to enter
kindergarten. To make sure we had plenty of time to eat breakfast and
get ready on the first day, I woke everybody up early, so early that
it was still dark.

I was getting dressed when my little daughter came into my room
looking troubled. "What's wrong? I asked, mustering as much
cheerfulness as I could at that hour. "This is your big day!"

She blurted, "You didn't tell me I was going to night school."

 

[NauticalGent]

When asked if Harvey Weinstein’s behavior was similar to her husband’s, Hillary Clinton replied “Close, but no cigar...”

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Good, one, Gent. Made ME laugh, and there is very little about HRC that can do that!

 

[Rx_]

Multiple Choice:

I'm reading where the Japanese said that Americans are all stupid and illiterate and lazy. Well, I didn't really read it. I saw it on television. I was lying there on the couch. Well, I would have changed the channel, but I had to get up and walk all the way over. My remote control is broken, and I don't know how to fix it.


Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
A: Their middle names.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.

We're the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting anything done.

Faith of ISIS
You can't deny the faith of these people that we fight: it's absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, they'll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I haven't met one on earth.

I know environmentalists exist, but whenever I see a guy on a bike, I don't think, 'Oh, sweet, there goes an environmentalist.' I'm always like, 'That poor sucker got a DUI.'

 

[Minty]

I won't repeat all of them but;

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.

Made me laugh.
Read more at: https://inews.co.uk/essentials/culture/100-best-jokes-one-liners-edinburgh-fringe/

 

[Rx_]

Overheard conversation at a bar

We may never know the full measure of Human Suffering from the Destructive Path of HARVEY.

Wait... are we talking about the Hurricane or Weinstein?