What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Fornatian
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nobody nowhere
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in votre rever!!!
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Damegon
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In Dulce Jubilo
An Arsenal Joke
Snow White, Arnold Schwazennegger and Quasimodo are having a conversation. Snow White says "Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful,woman that any man has ever seen , but how do I know?" Arnie says "I know what you mean. Everybody tells me I am the most muscular man that has ever lived, but how do I know?" Quasimodo says "Yes. Everybody tells me I am the most disgusting, despicable, grotesque creature that has ever roamed the earth, but how do I know?" Snow White says "Let's go and see the wise man!". Snow White goes in first and five minutes later she comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most beautiful,woman that any man has ever seen ." Arnie goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most muscular man that has ever lived." Quasimodo goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "Who's this Martin Keown (Arsenal Defender) character then?"
Snow White, Arnold Schwazennegger and Quasimodo are having a conversation. Snow White says "Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful,woman that any man has ever seen , but how do I know?" Arnie says "I know what you mean. Everybody tells me I am the most muscular man that has ever lived, but how do I know?" Quasimodo says "Yes. Everybody tells me I am the most disgusting, despicable, grotesque creature that has ever roamed the earth, but how do I know?" Snow White says "Let's go and see the wise man!". Snow White goes in first and five minutes later she comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most beautiful,woman that any man has ever seen ." Arnie goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most muscular man that has ever lived." Quasimodo goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "Who's this Martin Keown (Arsenal Defender) character then?"
A young blonde woman decided to earn some extra money by doing odd jobs around the neighborhood. She went to one house, a man answered the door, and she asked if he had any jobs for her. "Sure," he said, "how would you like to paint my porch for $25?" "Great, I'd be happy to do that," she said. "Okay, the paint cans and brushes are in the garage." Then he went back in his house and laughed to his wife, "What a dope. She has no idea that the porch wraps around the whole house. She will be out there painting all day. All for a lousy 25 bucks!!" One hour later she appears at the front door. "All done," she said. "May I have my money now?" The man stood there stunned and incredulous. "And by the way," the woman added, "that's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
Groundrush
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Living in 2003
Points 16, 17 & 18 are so true!!!
You know you're living in 2003 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE.....
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9
18. AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOUR OWN STUPIDNESS..
Points 16, 17 & 18 are so true!!!
You know you're living in 2003 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE.....
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9
18. AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOUR OWN STUPIDNESS..
Hayley Baxter
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1st Christmas Joke of the Season
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were
met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honor of this most holy season," Saint Peter said,
"you must each produce something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets
and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out
a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You too, may pass through the Pearly
Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's
panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised
eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols?"
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were
met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honor of this most holy season," Saint Peter said,
"you must each produce something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets
and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out
a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You too, may pass through the Pearly
Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's
panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised
eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols?"
Hayley Baxter
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What Carol's familar? Thought you didn't remember their names
Hayley Baxter
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oops sorry. The thread's getting a bit long winded now and I didn't see the original
Hayley Baxter
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andy_dyer
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We just have to hope and pray that someone who shall remain nameless doesn't find this thread, as they appear to have done yours Mile!!
All I can say is:
I'm not sure whether it is the "lush" green grass that is eaten by the grazing cow or what is left from the other end that reminds me most about what this individual has to say in far too many threads...
I think we all know...
All I can say is:
I'm not sure whether it is the "lush" green grass that is eaten by the grazing cow or what is left from the other end that reminds me most about what this individual has to say in far too many threads...
I think we all know...
andy_dyer
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Anyway... Back to the Jokes!!!
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the Juggler....
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
With Jammin', with Jammin', with Jammin'
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "how the hell do you drive this thing?"
what's pink and handy?
A hand
Whats black and white and eats like an horse?
A Zebra
The toilet was nicked from the local Police Station
They now have nothing to go on!
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the Juggler....
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
With Jammin', with Jammin', with Jammin'
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "how the hell do you drive this thing?"
what's pink and handy?
A hand
Whats black and white and eats like an horse?
A Zebra
The toilet was nicked from the local Police Station
They now have nothing to go on!
gmlwong
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No offense but this is funny...
No offense but if you visualize, you'll be on the floor just as I was when I heard this...
"There's this blonde girl (BG). She's crying, very upset and calls her boyfriend (BF):
BG: <upset making frustrated and stressed out weeping sounds> "Honey, can you come over right now and help me?"
BF: "What wrong? You really sound upset. What is it?"
BG: "Well, I went to the store and bought this puzzle and I've been working on it all day. I've got all the pieces out on the table and even on the floor and I can't even get one piece to fit! Can you please come over and help me with this?"
BF: <relieved that's it's not something critical> "Ohh, okay sweetheart. Whew! I thought it was a big deal or something was really wrong...okay, I'll be right over. Tell you what, why don't you make us some of your famous coffee and we'll sit together and get this thing put together for your wall. What is the puzzle of anyway?"
BG: "Thanks baby. It's a Tiger, anyway, see you soon!"
<Boyfriend arrives at Blonde girl's place>...
<Boyfriend enters room where the puzzle is and blonde girl shows him her puzzle>...
BG: <she runs over to the table> "See honey, not one piece will fit."
BF: <looks up into the air and sighs> "...okay sweety. Tell you what. Let's have some coffee first and then I'll help you put all the Frosted Flakes back into the box"...
...I know, but it is funny!?#?$?$?!
No offense but if you visualize, you'll be on the floor just as I was when I heard this...
"There's this blonde girl (BG). She's crying, very upset and calls her boyfriend (BF):
BG: <upset making frustrated and stressed out weeping sounds> "Honey, can you come over right now and help me?"
BF: "What wrong? You really sound upset. What is it?"
BG: "Well, I went to the store and bought this puzzle and I've been working on it all day. I've got all the pieces out on the table and even on the floor and I can't even get one piece to fit! Can you please come over and help me with this?"
BF: <relieved that's it's not something critical> "Ohh, okay sweetheart. Whew! I thought it was a big deal or something was really wrong...okay, I'll be right over. Tell you what, why don't you make us some of your famous coffee and we'll sit together and get this thing put together for your wall. What is the puzzle of anyway?"
BG: "Thanks baby. It's a Tiger, anyway, see you soon!"
<Boyfriend arrives at Blonde girl's place>...
<Boyfriend enters room where the puzzle is and blonde girl shows him her puzzle>...
BG: <she runs over to the table> "See honey, not one piece will fit."
BF: <looks up into the air and sighs> "...okay sweety. Tell you what. Let's have some coffee first and then I'll help you put all the Frosted Flakes back into the box"...
...I know, but it is funny!?#?$?$?!
andy_dyer
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Using The Toilet At Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked backin our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable.
For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a Poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked backin our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable.
For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a Poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
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