R
Rich
Guest
Somebody else posted this one earlierandy_dyer said:David Beckham at a management seminar says, "I like them because they make my breath fresh."
Stunned silence until someone shouts "TACTICS you thick £$&*"
What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter Fornatian
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indesisiv
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A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a
gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually
examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a
white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same
examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, "These examinations
are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?"
He shrugs and says, "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here
to paint the halls."
gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually
examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a
white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same
examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, "These examinations
are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?"
He shrugs and says, "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here
to paint the halls."
andy_dyer
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You better be aware of Mile-O-Phile....
http://www.access-programmers.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=57838&perpage=15&pagenumber=2
Mile-O-Phile said:
http://www.access-programmers.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=57838&perpage=15&pagenumber=2
andy_dyer
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Girlfriends
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...
A "Don't remind me again" button
Minimize button
Shutdown feature
An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
A Remote control for the these features would be a nice upgrade.
I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
******** Related Experiences *********
Last year a friend upgraded GirlFriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that it soon began spawning child-processes that are consuming valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself in such a way that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. My friend is finding that some applications such as Poker-Night 10.3 and BeerBash 2.5 are no longer able to run, crashing the system whenever selected (even though they always worked fine before).
As a result, I decided to avoid all the problems associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 4.0. Even here, however, I found many headaches. For example, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 4.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Even worse, all versions of GirlFriend constantly pop up little annoying messages -- about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...
A "Don't remind me again" button
Minimize button
Shutdown feature
An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
A Remote control for the these features would be a nice upgrade.
I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
******** Related Experiences *********
Last year a friend upgraded GirlFriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that it soon began spawning child-processes that are consuming valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself in such a way that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. My friend is finding that some applications such as Poker-Night 10.3 and BeerBash 2.5 are no longer able to run, crashing the system whenever selected (even though they always worked fine before).
As a result, I decided to avoid all the problems associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 4.0. Even here, however, I found many headaches. For example, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 4.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Even worse, all versions of GirlFriend constantly pop up little annoying messages -- about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
Captains Red Shirt
Centuries ago when the Seas were ruled by pirates, there was a certain captain. One day this captain was relaxing when the lookout burst into his quarters. "Captain, pirate ship off the port bow!"
The captain then called for his first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The red shirt was brought to him, they went into battle and won.
The next day the lookout again burst into the room and said, "Captain, two pirate ships closing fast!" Once again the captain called for the first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The first mate brought him his red shirt and once again they won the battle.
During the celebration the first-mate asked, "Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we go into battle?"
"The answer is simple. That way, if I'm injured, the crew won't know and they won't lose hope."
Just then the lookout burst through the door, "Captain, ten ships closing fast!"
"First mate, bring me my brown pants!"
Centuries ago when the Seas were ruled by pirates, there was a certain captain. One day this captain was relaxing when the lookout burst into his quarters. "Captain, pirate ship off the port bow!"
The captain then called for his first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The red shirt was brought to him, they went into battle and won.
The next day the lookout again burst into the room and said, "Captain, two pirate ships closing fast!" Once again the captain called for the first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The first mate brought him his red shirt and once again they won the battle.
During the celebration the first-mate asked, "Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we go into battle?"
"The answer is simple. That way, if I'm injured, the crew won't know and they won't lose hope."
Just then the lookout burst through the door, "Captain, ten ships closing fast!"
"First mate, bring me my brown pants!"
andy_dyer
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Boyfriends
This one for Hayley and any other female out there!!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
--Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.
DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. Also, running Nagging 5.3 too often can sometimes cause Husband 1.0 to secretly install Mistress 1.0, which would then require you to run Private Investigator 7.5 utility and possibly even Attorney 9.0, which could lead to a system wide failure and the need to reboot Husband 1.0!
Everybody clear on this now? --Tech support
This one for Hayley and any other female out there!!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
--Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.
DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. Also, running Nagging 5.3 too often can sometimes cause Husband 1.0 to secretly install Mistress 1.0, which would then require you to run Private Investigator 7.5 utility and possibly even Attorney 9.0, which could lead to a system wide failure and the need to reboot Husband 1.0!
Everybody clear on this now? --Tech support
Mile-O
Back once again...
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Re: Girlfriends
Andy, you have really got to get stuck into the archive...this one was covered way back when...at Upgrading to Wife 1.0 by Vassago.
Others of note (excluding the .gif slanging match between Rich and Vassago):
A True Story
A Funny Story
Beer = 0
What's your stress reliever?
andy_dyer said:
Andy, you have really got to get stuck into the archive...this one was covered way back when...at Upgrading to Wife 1.0 by Vassago.
Others of note (excluding the .gif slanging match between Rich and Vassago):
A True Story
A Funny Story
Beer = 0
What's your stress reliever?
..here's a rugby joke just in time for saturday's crunch match (apologies if someone has already posted this - don't have time to look through 16-odd pages of postings!!
"The England rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Coach Clive Woodward immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the TRY line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the England team was unlikely to encounter the substance again"
I must admit i will be supporting the ingerlish even though i'm reffered to down here as a 'sweaty'. reason being is that i've got a spread bet open on them to win!!
"The England rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Coach Clive Woodward immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the TRY line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the England team was unlikely to encounter the substance again"
I must admit i will be supporting the ingerlish even though i'm reffered to down here as a 'sweaty'. reason being is that i've got a spread bet open on them to win!!
How to impress a woman:
compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to impress a man:
Show up naked. Bring beer.
compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to impress a man:
Show up naked. Bring beer.
RichMorrison
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Q: What is the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scot ?
A: Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud". A Scot says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe".
A: Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud". A Scot says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe".
andy_dyer
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Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would like to portray, as long as they were very famous. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano." said Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him." Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" So Arnold said, "I'll be Bach."
andy_dyer
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How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.
Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.
What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.
Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.
What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
N
nobody nowhere
Guest
ive gotta funny one if you imagine it. there are two blondes in a open top car they're driving along when they stop for coffee and they get out and lock the car and when they get back they realise they've left the keys in the car so they pick the lock!! get it??
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