What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[andy_dyer]

McDonalds Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment...and they hired him!

NAME:
Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.

 

[andy_dyer]

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you.

The Management
Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code Number Explanation
---------- -----------
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Bitching About Lousy Job
5601 Bitching About Low Pay
5602 Bitching About Long Hours
5603 Bitching About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Bitching About Boss
5605 Bitching About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls in Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Gal
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use

 

[nobody nowhere]

that is funny!!!! i liked the job application

 

[Hayley Baxter]

A pastor of a church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she"; and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men.

Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 5 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1) They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless.
2) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time, they ARE the problem.
3) As soon as you commit to one, you realize if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5) A big power surge will knock them out for the rest of the night.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1) No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4) Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

[EmmaJane]

Christmas Angel



One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready

for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the

toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the

pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he

found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the

fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards

cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot

of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves

had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he

accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little

pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found

that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He

opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas

tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a

lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?

Where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the tradition of having an angel on top of the Christmas

tree.

 

[emcf]

another rugby related one....

An Australian family of rugby supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England rugby shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for Christmas".

His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother". Off goes the little lad with the white rugby shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father".

Off he goes with the rugby shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you Aussie W*nk*rs"

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Here's a blonde joke for you.

A beautiful blonde woman is walking along the sidewalk on one side of the street. She sees another beautiful blonde woman walking on the other side of the street. She yells to this woman, "Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the other side of the street?"

The woman looks terribly puzzled as she yells back, "But... but... you ARE on the other side of the street!"

 

[Keith]

Prince Charles says to his mum, "what I said to Jeeves was hold my calls and sack my cook."

 

[Rich]

Prince Charles says to his mum, "what I said to Jeeves was hold my calls and sack my cook."

speculative of course

 

[nobody nowhere]

Prince Charles says to his mum, "what I said to Jeeves was hold my calls and sack my cook."

whenever i tell my butler summat he just laughs and says hes not real and im daydreaming....

 

[Rich]

whenever i tell my butler summat he just laughs and says hes not real and im daydreaming....

summat, im, hes, have you thought about suing your primary school teachers for not teaching you to spell? ask Daddy Christmas for a large lettered dictionary you can read, just simple words will suffice for you now Lushy

 

[nobody nowhere]

summat, im, hes, have you thought about suing your primary school teachers for not teaching you to spell? ask Daddy Christmas for a large lettered dictionary you can read, just simple words will suffice for you now Lushy

i would sue um but im scared of one shes a right cow!!!

 

[indesisiv]

What have the hulk and michael jackson got in common?




They both change colour and put the willies up the kids!!

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Q: If U.S. Congress (or Parliament in Europe) wants to legalize marijuana, how will they do it?

A: They will call for a "joint" session

Q : Why did the blonde write TGIF inside her shoes?

A: To remind her 'Toe Goes In First'.

 

[scouser]

Jokes

Guys, just cruising.........some good jokes....do me a favour and send them via: www.laughtershop.com there is a joke email link. I will post an xmas link if I get enough jokes and credit the sender if they so wish so send your name if you want the glory!!
Merry November and all that.............

 

[MattS]

Rugby.........

Johnson, Dallaglio and Wilkinson are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in?"

Addressing Johnno first he asks, "what do you believe?" Johnson looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Rugby to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people - from the grim North to the bright lights of Twickenham. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club and country."

God looks up and offers Johnno the seat to his left.

He then turns to Lawrence, "and you, Lol, what do you believe?" Lol stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Dallaglio the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wilkinson, "and you, Johnny, what do you believe?"

"I believe..." says Wilkinson "...you're sitting in my seat."

 

[Hayley Baxter]

What's this, no jokes from Andy for a whole week? Must be drying up now are they?

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

 

[andy_dyer]

Can't have that kind of abuse from Hales...

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

 

[andy_dyer]

How to Give Your Cat a Pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Ahh that's more like it but we expect more than one joke on a Friday. That'll never do