What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[indesisiv]

What is the definition of embarasment?
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose first!






These four guys, an accountant, a chemist, an architect,and a govenment employee, are discussing their cats, each claiming to have the best trained. The accountant says "Calculate, do your stuff." and his cat goes into the kitchen, grabs 8 cookies and brings them back to the men, she then seperated them into 2 piles of 4 and then 4 piles of 2.
The chemist says "that's nothing, Measure do your stuff." His cat goes into the kitchen and brings out a litre of milk he then pours four equal glasses of 250 ml. The architect says "That's fuck all, Triangle do your thing." So the third cat drags out a piece of paper, and proceeds to draw a shematic of the room then the building that they are in and then the whole street. All three men are amazed by these smart cats and are surprised when the government employee says "my cat has them all beat. Coffe break, show them how to really work." So the fourth cat cats the cookies, drinks the milk, shits on the paper, fucks the other three cats, hurts himself on the last one, claims disibility files the paperwork and goes home on full gonernment pay

 

[andy_dyer]

Ahh that's more like it but we except more than one joke on a Friday. That'll never do

Well Hales,

If I have to split my jokes between this and your forum in order to keep you happy then the volume will suffer!!

But there are two now for today...

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Is that your excuse? You only posted one on the other forum so you're not getting away with that, nice try though

I suppose 2 is better than none at all

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A We don't know it never happens

Q How can you tell if a man is happy?

A Who cares

Q What do men and beer bottles have in common?

A They're both empty from the neck up

Q How do you save a man from drowning?

A Take your foot off his head

Q What is the thinnest book in the world?

A What men know about women.

Q How do men define a 50-50 relationship?

A She cooks I eat, she cleans I dirty, she irons I wrinkle

Q Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women?

A When it's time to go back to his childhood he's already there

Now you'll need to come up with some anti-women jokes Andy to get your own back

 

[EmmaJane]

Following in Hayley’s theme, next you see a Men at Work sign remember Women work all the time but Men have to put up signs when they work

EmmaJane

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Following in Hayley’s theme, next you see a Men at Work sign remember Women work all the time but Men have to put up signs when they work

EmmaJane

Yes and they always read "Danger, men at work"

 

[Mile-O]

Why do we get signs like "Baby on Board" on cars?

If a baby isn't on board does that mean we can crash into cars? Just a momentary pondering...

 

[ColinEssex]

Why do we get signs like "Baby on Board" on cars?

Two reasons -

1) The owner wants to show the fact that they've managed to fit the baby seat satisfactorily

2) That they can lie effectively by displaying the sign without having a baby on board.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Why do we get signs like "Baby on Board" on cars?

If a baby isn't on board does that mean we can crash into cars? Just a momentary pondering...

To give male drivers a warning to drive sensibly but since you still have to ask what it means it obviously hasn't worked

 

[Mile-O]

To give male drivers a warning to drive sensibly but since you still have to ask what it means it obviously hasn't worked

Let us not forget the driving of Lyns.

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Let us not forget the driving of Lyns.

I thought it was pretty good myself, she knows how to take a corner anyway. You are in no position to talk - at least she has a license (to kill maybe)

 

[Mile-O]

I thought it was pretty good myself, she knows how to take a corner anyway.

...to the brink of death? I thought her surname might have been MacCrae.

at least she has a license

Dog? TV? Off?

Well, I've driven bigger machines than a poxy car...!

 

[Hayley Baxter]

...to the brink of death? I thought her surname might have been MacCrae.



Dog? TV? Off?

Well, I've driven bigger machines than a poxy car...!

And there was me thinking you only knew how to drive people up the wall - maybe there's hope for you after all

 

[emcf]

well, still here at work 2 hours after i was wanting to leave. never mind, saw a good joke on a penguin wrapper -

what happened to the frog that broke down?



he got toad away!!!

genius!!

 

[Rich]

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A What's wrong with the one you've already got?

Q How can you tell if a man is happy?

A He has a satisfied smile on his face

Q What do men and beer bottles have in common?

A They're both have stoppers in their mouths

Q How do you save a man from drowning?

A Repay the Alimony

Q What is the thinnest book in the world?

A Advantages of marriage, from a mans point of view

Q How do men define a 50-50 relationship?

A She cooks I eat, she cleans I dirty, she irons I work 90 hrs a week, she has coffee mornings, 5 days a week, goes to the hairdressers.............................

Q Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women?

A Because they can't find out where to start on women

Now you'll need to come up with some anti-women jokes Andy to get your own back

 

[Rich]

I thought it was pretty good myself, she knows how to take a corner anyway.

I thought she and her Mini ended up in a ditch

 

[DaveO]

How long does it take for a Welshman to make love?

20 Minutes - 1 minute to do the act and 19 to apologise to the farmer

 

[andy_dyer]

Now you'll need to come up with some anti-women jokes Andy to get your own back

Reasons it's great to be a guy:
-------------------------------
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because "this one is just too icky."
Same work ... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress, $5,000; Tux Rental, $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 30 minutes.

There's one back for the boys, Hales!!

 

[Hayley Baxter]

Reason why it's great to be a woman

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on their life insurance.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the point).
Taxis stop for us.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We have an excuse to be a total b*tch at least once a month.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
We're NOT men.

Hows that then Andy? BTW completely unimpressed by #13 you posted on the other forum - you'll live to regret that matey

 

[andy_dyer]

What women say & What they mean...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Say: Can't we just be friends?
Mean: There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

Say: I just need some space
Mean: ...without you in it

Say: Can you help me with the work I've brought home?
Mean: If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.

Say: Do I look fat in this dress?
Mean: We haven't had a fight in a while

Say: No, pizza's fine
Mean: Cheap bastard

Say: I just do not want a boyfriend now
Mean: I just do not want (you as a) boyfriend now

Say: I don't know; what do you want to do?
Mean: I can't believe that you have nothing planned

Say: Come here
Mean: My puppy does this too

Say: I like you but...
Mean: I don't like you

Say: You never listen
Mean: You never listen

Say: We're moving too quickly
Mean: I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at work has a girlfriend

Say: I'll be ready in a minute
Mean: I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

Say: Oh, no, I will pay for myself
Mean: I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch

Say: Oh Yes! Right there
Mean: Well, near there; I just want to get this over with

Say: I'm just going out with the girls
Mean: We are gonna get pissed and make fun of you and your friends

Say: There's no one else
Mean: I am doing your brother

Say: Size doesn't matter
Mean: ...unless I want an orgasm