What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

Q What do you call a handcuffed man?
A Trustworthy.

Q What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q Why do men like smart women?
A Opposites attract.

Q How do men exercise on the beach?
A By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A Make him wear shoes.

Q How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A He buys two cases of beer instead of one

Q How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A ONE. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A Telling you his real name.

Q What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A "My wife says..."

Q Why did God create man before woman?
A Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Q Why do black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
A To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
 
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
 
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.

15. Sadly all men are created equal.

Just a thought for all the women out there... MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause.

Notice how they all start with MEN
 
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Here are seminars for Women (seminars will be given by men only)

1) "Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"

2) Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")

3) Crying and law enforcement

4) You CAN go shopping for less then 4 hours

5) Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast

6) Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water

7) Football: Not a Game--A Sacrament

8) Gift giving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)

9) Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Gravity is on Your Side

10) Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels

11) What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

12) "To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"
 
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
Would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Never mind that why was she out of the house?

A woman walks into a cocktail bar, approaches the barman and says : " Can I have a double-entendre please?"
So he gives her one.........

Q. Why did God create woman?
A. To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is riding her.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it!

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

Q. Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q: How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"?
A: "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
 
Ahh on a roll now I see, I have to go now, leaving early tonight as I'm heading to Glasgow but you've not heard the last of this:p
 
Better get another joke in quickly then before she gets back!!

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
 
Colin's probably heard this one too, but I thought it was great (considering the drummers I knew):

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

5 - One to do it and four to say how much better they could have done it! =)

Sorry if this one was already posted, but I read only through the first 2 pages.
 
The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers...

The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.


Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")


Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is In order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Moo!
f. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
 
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.

How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.

Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.

Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.

Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.

Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.

What is a "successful hunting trip" ?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days

What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.

What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.

Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.

Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.

Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.

Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.

How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.

How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
 
Looks like Hayley was retaliating. :D
 
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
 
I guess she was just getting started. :eek:
 
She loves me really...

Just has a funny way of showing it!!

;)
 
You had enough yet or are you thirsty for more?:D

WOMEN

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.
 
You should know by now that I have stamina to match yours... :eek:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? - None, they just sit in the dark and moan!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer -- and be the butt of every joke on the Internet.

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How do you get 100 old cows into a shed? - Put a 'Bingo' sign out the front.!!

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After getting married the bride and groom jump into a horse driven carriage and bid their families farewell. Ten minutes later the horse suddenly stops causing the newly weds to be thrown forward. The groom calmly jumps out the carriage, walks in front of the horse and shouts:

"THAT’S ONE!!". Then jumps back into the carriage and resumes his journey. Another ten minutes passes and the horse does the same again. The groom jumps out and calmly walks in front of the horse, and shouts:

"THAT’S TWO!!" then hits the horse over the head with a baseball bat. He then jumps back into the carriage and carries on the journey. Another ten minutes later, the horse still not taking the hint suddenly stops, thrusting the unsuspecting newly weds forward once more. Calmly the groom walks in front of the horse and shouts:

"THAT’S THREE!!!" and blows the horses head off with a handgun. Just as he’s about to sit down next to his new wife, she says "That was a bit harsh wasn’t it !!!". Calmly he looks into her eyes and shouts:

"THAT’S ONE!!" ....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? - None, let her do the dishes in the dark.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married"
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not", she giggles.

"Great!", he replies, "Get your own DAMN blanket!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men

Real Men.....put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men...pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Real Men.....claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men...claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men.....know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Most Men...are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men.....really know how to make you relax.
Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men.....read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Most Men...read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Real Men.....make a lot of money before they are 30.
Most Men...make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Real Men.....wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Most Men...wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Real Men.....think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Most Men...think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Real Men.....balance their checkbooks.
Most Men...balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Real Men.....have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.
Most Men...have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.

Real Men.....are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Most Men...are afraid of becoming Real Men.

Real Men.....start their own businesses.
Most Men...quit their jobs.

Real Men.....order wine based on more than the price.
Most Men...bring their own beer.
 
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said to her,"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said. "God, I wish I had your will power."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
 
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