What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[Oldsoftboss]

How to treat a Woman



It is not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:



1. A friend



2. A companion



3. A lover



4. A brother



5. A father



6. A master



7. A chef



8. An electrician



9. A carpenter



10. A plumber



11. A mechanic



12. A decorator



13. A stylist



14. A sexologist



15. A gynaecologists



16. A psychologist



17. A pest exterminator



18. A psychiatrist



19. A healer



20. A good listener



21. An organiser



22. A good father



23. Very clean



24. Sympathetic



25. Athletic



26. Warm



27. Attentive



28. Gallant



29. Intelligent



30. Funny



31. Creative



32. Tender



33. Strong



34. Understanding



35. Tolerant



36. Prudent



37. Ambitious



38. Capable



39. Courageous



40. Determined



41. True



42. Dependable



43. Passionate




WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:



44. Give her compliments regularly



45. Love shopping



46. Be honest



47. Be very rich



48. Not stress her out



49. Not look at other girls




IN ADDITION, YOU MUST:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself



51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she
goes



53. It is very important that you never forget:



* Birthdays



* Anniversaries



* Arrangements she makes






HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:



1. Shag him



2. Leave him in peace
************

Dave

 

[Oldsoftboss]

man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to
his wife: "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All $10 million of
it..................Wooooooohooooo !"

"That's great Darling!” she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or for the
mountains?"

"Who cares," he replies, "Just f**k off!"
************

 

[Oldsoftboss]

A middle aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the
road, pushed it up to 150kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his
(thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher
speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind
him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the
man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 250kph to escape
being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing"
and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch
up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in a few minutes and today
is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a
Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
true answer is always either sex, cars, or sports. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and
recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine.Your hair is fine.You look fine.
Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

 

[Oldsoftboss]

An older couple, Sam and Bessie move to Texas. Sam always wanted a
pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and
wears them home, walking proudly. He goes into the house and says to
Bessie, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope!"
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he
asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a
hat.."

 

[stevehooley]

really rubbish one

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

 

[GSM]

Not sure that today is right for religious jokes but here goes...

STAMPS FOR CHRISTMAS CARDS

A BLONDE woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists

 

[skea]

Her Obsession!!!!

A Psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small
children..."You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said: "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's
name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name,
Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her
little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick,
we're leaving

Tell me,
what do you think her Obsession is?

 

[Jacob Mathai]

The Irish Catholic Bishop was driving on a winding road and the Anglican Bishop was coming from the opposite direction. Their cars hit each other. They got out, introduced themselves and shook hands. The Catholic Bishop found the Anglican Bishop was still shaking. So, the Catholic Bishop opened the trunk (boot) of his car, took out a bottle of wine, gave it to Anglican Bishop and said : "Please drink this. This will steady your nerves." The Anglican Bishop drank the wine, felt good and gave the bottle back to the Catholic Bishop and asked if he was going to drink some wine too.
The Catholic Bishop replied : "Not now. I am waiting for the Police."

 

[KenHigg]

Rich & Col got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged four. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the
pilot said the plane could take only two moose. The two Brits objected
strongly. "Last year we shot four and the pilot let us put them all on
board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and
all four were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't
handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of
the wreck Rich asked Col, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yea, I think we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[maxmangion]

Men do remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife,lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."

 

[maxmangion]

Married Couple

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it
was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he
found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.


"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.


"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh,"she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

 

[Rich]

Rich & Col got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged four.

I can assure you that neither myself or Col. would partake in this primeval, barbaric, bloodlust American pastime

 

[ColinEssex]

I can assure you that neither myself or Col. would partake in this primeval, barbaric, bloodlust American pastime

that's very true - the thought is abhorrent and archaic.
Actually,I'm surprised that those on this forum who like killing things for sport arn't up there in the frozen north clubbing baby seals to death with a 6" nail in the club and then skinning them before they die.

Col

 

[maxmangion]

MURPHY goes into the confessional and says to his priest "I had an affair with a woman. . . almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

MURPHY says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped" The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box." MURPHY leaves the confessional, says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to
leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying,

"MURPHY!!! I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!" MURPHY replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.

 

[maxmangion]

Maths

Little David, who was Jewish, was failing maths. His parents tried everything.
Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, and nothing helped.
As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic school.
"Those nuns are tough" they said. David was soon enrolled at St. Mary's.
After school on the very first day David ran through the door and
straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He
started studying furiously, books and papers spread out all over his
room. Right after dinner he ran upstairs without mentioning TV, and
hit the books harder than before.

His parents were amazed. This behavior continued for weeks, until
report card day arrived. David quietly laid the envelope on the table,
and went to his room. With great trepidation, his mother opened the report.
David has been awarded an A in math! She ran up to his room, threw her arms around
him and asked, "David honey, how did this happen? Was it the nuns?
"No!", said David. "On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed
to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"

 

[maxmangion]

24 hrs Left

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife
for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you
know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now
has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife`s
shoulder and asks, "Honey, please .. just one more time before I die?" she
says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however,
worried about his impending death, tosses & turns
until he`s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I
have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to
get up in the morning .. You don`t."
____________________________

 

[Rusty]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What
are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are
called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a
package of 3 and asks,

"Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are
these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12
pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those
are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for
March......."

 

[GSM]

Two men dressed in United Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the
plane, heading for the cockpit. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is
using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin
glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a
little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting
in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at
the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the
plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die."

 

[maxmangion]

Spanish Lecture

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''

''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else;

3. Even ! the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computer''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model!!