Jacob Mathai
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- Sep 6, 2001
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airline humor
Only on an American airline...
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking thepassengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope you'll think of US Airways"
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
my lap You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
Only on an American airline...
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking thepassengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope you'll think of US Airways"
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
my lap You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
