What's your best/worst joke? (10 Viewers)

[oumahexi]

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written
on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's
details;" or putting it another way....
Who's your Daddy ?

These are allegedly genuine excerpts from the forms.



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am
unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but
I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I
had sex with a man I met that night. I do
remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my
stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW
service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he
informs me that to do so wo uld blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....
well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Gordo Ramsey did a programme
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and
watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56
Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

[Kryst51]

Crap! That's great, I read these to my co-worker and it made us laugh!

 

[Kryst51]

Wow, I wonder if that kind of pick up line had ever really worked...

 

[Freya]

A man once asked me if I wanted to go halfers on a b*stard. That one didn't work for me!

 

[Kryst51]

A man once asked me if I wanted to go halfers on a b*stard. That one didn't work for me!

Wow! He must have been extremely deluded. Or drunk.

 

[Kryst51]

Which ones do work.... ?

Man: Did it hurt?

Woman: Did what hurt?

Man: When you fell from heaven?

Psych!

 

[oumahexi]

Man: Did it hurt?

Woman: Did what hurt?

Man: When you fell from heaven?

Psych!

Man, additional, 'course it did, I can see you hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way down

 

[Freya]

Which ones do work.... ?

None so far, but that was the worst I have ever heard.

 

[Kryst51]

Man, additional, 'course it did, I can see you hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way down

If he said that, then it wouldn't be a pick up line would it?

 

[Vassago]

If he said that, then it wouldn't be a pick up line would it?

It depends on how he said it. If it was in a teasing/joking way, it could work. It's all about his current emotional state and how he presents it.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Re: the 3 Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

The Honeymoon

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Re: Coincidence

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

"I'm curious," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Re: Blonde Shopping

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

 

[TessB]

Re: The Honeymoon

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

I heard a similar joke, maybe even in this thread somewhere.
The punchline was, "He should have said something!"

 

[wazz]

Re: The Honeymoon

"He should have said something!"

wha?

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Blonde at the vending machine

A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine.

She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button. Suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Speed limit

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five blondes - two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver is obviously confused, and says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly - twenty-two miles an hour," the old woman said proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am," the officer says, "I have to ask... Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

 

[oumahexi]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket 5.0, AFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 orBeer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 ;program.These are unsupported applications and will crashHusband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

 

[Oldsoftboss]

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Ha ha, that program is also know as Husbund 2,3, 4, 5 so upgrading is futile

.