What's your best/worst joke?

[KenHigg]

Woman's perfect breakfast

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Drinks
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."

--------------------------------------------------------------
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages

 

[oumahexi]

LOL, Colin, Rich, avert your eyes :

The story goes this was a personal ad:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in
Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after
you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that
evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had
just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas,
and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.
Beautiful pistol, eh?
It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at
your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun
walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge
flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you
also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I
couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try
to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma"
as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
situation.

I also bought myself and four other people in the gas
station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy
with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go
Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.

I threw the wallet
in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the
windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
They'll be on yourbill in case you'd like to know which ones.

Ma Bell just shut down
the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so
I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't
permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening
phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy
was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).
I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead
making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll
reconsider your choice of path in life.

Next time you might not be so lucky..

- Alex​

P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!

 

[Alc]

As jokes go, the post script was hilarious.

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Seeing we are on public notices....

 

[Access_guy49]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Go the Hawaiian good luck sign

 

[Rabbie]

If at first you don't succeed don't try sky-diving

 

[MSAccessRookie]

If at first you don't succeed don't try sky-diving

I heard that same advice on Tuesday Night. The valedictorian of my daughter's school included it in her speech. How strange is that?

 

[statsman]

My mother is 70 years old.
When she turned 65 she started walking 5 miles a day.

Now, we don't know where she is.

 

[alktrigger]

I saw a bloke chatting up a cheetah, i think he was "trying to pull a fast one"

 

[oumahexi]

THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know.. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

 

[Rich]

My five-year old students are learning to read.
> >
> >
> > Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look
> > at
> > this! It's a frickin' elephant!'
> >
> > I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'
> >
> > 'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!' ;
> >
> > And so it does...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ' A f r i c a n Elephant '
> >
> > Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
> >

 

[Rich]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,
'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,
' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

 

[oumahexi]

Once upon a time in a land far away a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond ina verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: “Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am. Then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle, with my mother. You can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, baer my children and forever feel grateful and happy for doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frogs legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: “I don’t fuckin’ think so”

 

[oumahexi]

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches

of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of

the street, so the Snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again,
the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow

today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street,
so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast,when the radio announcer

says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.You must park...."

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with

a worried look on her face she said,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need
to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the fucking car in the garage this time."

 

[Rabbie]

This was sent around from a well known holiday firm - listing some of the guests

complaints during the season. "Some people should not be allowed to go on

holiday!!!!!"


"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."



"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."



"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."



"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."



A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".



A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.



"The beach was too sandy."



"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."



A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.



"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."



"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."



"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."


"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."



"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."



"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"



"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."



"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."



"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."



"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."



"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

 

[oumahexi]

#yiv767644740 .ExternalClass .EC_hmmessage P { PADDING-RIGHT: 0px; PADDING-LEFT: 0px; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0px; PADDING-TOP: 0px}#yiv767644740 .ExternalClass BODY.EC_hmmessage { FONT-SIZE: 10pt; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana}
[FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, Serif]The older we get, the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our
daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain
muscle mass.

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more
repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be[/FONT]
[FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, Serif]too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise



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NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of wine.


[/FONT]

 

[Brianwarnock]

A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Castle Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Scouser lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Scally returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled ..
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car
for two weeks for only £15.41
and expect it to be there when I return'"

 

[Kryst51]

An atheist is walking through the woods admiring everything that evolution has given us. The birds in the sky, the wind through the trees, the squirrels on the ground.

When suddenly a bear starts chasing him.

He starts running, but every time he looks back the bear gains on him. Finally, when he looks back, he trips on a rock. And just as the bar is about to pounce on him he screams out of utter desperaton "Oh God! Help me!."

In that moment everything freezes. The bear freezes in the air, mid-pounce. The birds in the sky freeze. The wind in the trees freeze, and the squirrels on the groun freeze. The clouds part and God appears. He says, " Ya know, it's kind of ludicrous, you avoid giving me any kind of credit all these years, but now, because you are about to lose your life, you call on Me."

The guy replies, "yeah, you're right, But can't you make the bear a Christian?"

God thinks about it a moment and says, "yeah, I can do that, consider it done."

God goes back into heaven, and everything unfreezes. Instead of finishing his pounce the bear drops to his knees, folds his paws and prays, "Dear Lord, Thank you for this food which you have provided. Amen."

...