What's your best/worst joke? (5 Viewers)

[scott-atkinson]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed
the tube & Mick came on the bus!!


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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The
stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen ****** than let
liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'


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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people
are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'


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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.


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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of
amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'


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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses &
lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'


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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a
dodgy one!


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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!


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Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts
tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a
light switch away!


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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which
point Paddy said 'I dont think thats her, she wasnt that tall!'


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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad
in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'


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An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very
tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'


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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'


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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say
'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'


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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &
stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like
you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k
out of you if I could swim!'


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Rich]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[Rich]

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained,


'The egg timer's broken.'.............

 

[Rich]

Sean Connery
was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,


and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says,

'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.

Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable



After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good,

let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.

But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.
Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand

and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,



but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet !'​

 

[Rich]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court reporters who
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:
No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing
law.

 

[Brianwarnock]

Sean Connery
was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,


but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet !

A tradition going back to Maggie May.

Brian

 

[Rich]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...


======================================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...


====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....


====================================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
===========================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed
and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

================================================================?
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a.
toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as
well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

[Rich]

 

[Rich]

Beware the Older Woman

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit and had a bit of a snuggle and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was 'my lucky night', so we went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

 

[Rich]

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
> can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
> looking for work in six weeks. '
>
> A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
> person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
>
> An American doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that
> we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
> have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
>
> A British doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind.
> We took a man with no brains out of Scotland, put him in No 10 Downing
> Street and now half the country is looking for work.'

 

[Rich]

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration "Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it."

​

 

[Rabbie]

Women will never be equal to men..

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

[JANR]

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
-------------------------------------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

---------------------------------------------------
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

 

[Rich]

Job at the FBI



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews

and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

the men to a large metal door and handed

him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your

instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

Quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

after another. They heard screaming, crashing,

banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

beat him to death with the chair.'

 

[scott-atkinson]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment . For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and report you".

'For reading a book?' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and report you.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.


'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think

 

[Rich]

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter
work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down
house siding,would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail,and either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why
are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about
half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those
nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house.

==========================================

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly," the blonde said, "first I put the gun to my chest, and
then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm
not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00
to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger.

===========================================

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took
it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,and all the
dents would pop out.
So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder,
and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first."

==========================================

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a
drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the winter'.

=========================================

A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it
to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot,
and cold things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing ...I'm going to buy it!" So
she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied .. "Two popsicles and some coffee."

==========================================

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone
call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you
go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep
my mind off it,and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A
couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks
out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
"What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?" he asks.
"No," exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too.

 

[TessB]

LOVED the blonde jokes.
(This is going to make a loud noise..... had me rolling!)

Thank you to everyone who regularly contributes to this thread.
It's my first and favorite stop when I pop in.

 

[Rich]

A Cow's Tail
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey , this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

 

[jenny_adams]

Haha some great jokes there...

 

[Rich]

Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a
get acquainted
with a tour of the White House.


After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill
Clinton if he
could use his personal bathroom.


When he entered Clinton 's personal bathroom, he was
astonished to see
that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the
urinal. 'Just
think,' he said, 'when I am president, I could have
a gold urinal too.


But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!'

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the
White House,
she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his
discovery of the
fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the
President had a gold
urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for
bed, Hillary
smiled, and said to Bill . . . "I found out who pissed
in your Saxophone".